Can depression/anxiety make me doubt my (perfect) relationship?

Hi all, @carli80797, @beth30360, @jack42034, @jaylene85326 and everyone else

I literally just made an account on this so I could reply to you all! I stumbled upon this post tonight after doing what my anxiety-ridden brain does when having a crisis, which is to Google the s**t out of something. I just wanted to say that I'm going through the exact same thing and that I know Carli's original post was 2 years ago but for anyone who like me, falls down a rabbit hole and finds this thread - YOU ARE NOT ALONE ❤️ Reading this tonight and realising it's not just me and that other people's mental health issues lead them to have similar thoughts has actually already lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and has helped my brain breathe a little.

I also just wanted to write a little something about medication for anyone wondering whether to go on it or not, and to also maybe answer some questions and share some insight that I WISH someone had told me - and that includes doctors!

Anxiety and depression have been a big part of my life for about 4/5 years now (I'm 25) and bits and bobs in childhood and my teenage years, although I didn't really know what it was then. About 4 years ago I started taking 20mg of Fluoxetine (basically Prozac without the brand name). The doctor said there might be some side effects but nothing too bad, but my first week or two of taking it was absolutely horrible. It made all my intrusive thoughts worse, I felt sick and was barely eating. In hindsight, I would tell anyone to let their school/employer know that they may need to take the first week off. If I'd have done this it would've really helped me, but I didn't know and tried to struggle through. Maybe I was just more susceptible or something, but I would seriously recommend just taking some time off in that first week while your body is getting used to it. But this leads me to my first real bit of advice re mental health medication:

1. STICK WITH IT!! You may feel awful the first few weeks, you may feel like it hasn't had an affect even after the first month or more, but you just have to KEEP GOING. I too had been through that thing of thinking "Oh god this is making me worse, I should stop taking them" or "I don't feel any different" but trust me, all you need is time. The best way I can describe the feeling of when I finally felt they had settled into my system, was imagine you're on a picnic but the weather is all stormy. Slowly across the space of a few hours, the clouds start to clear and little bits of sun start to peak through. Then, you suddenly realise hours later that the sky is mostly sunny and calm, with a few white fluffy clouds. The meds won't make you feel high or super amazing or anything, it just helps the clouds to gradually clear and get you more in the headspace to be able to help yourself.

2. DO NOT COME OFF MEDICATION COLD TURKEY!! This is SO SO IMPORTANT. I would really recommend staying on whatever you choose to take for longer than you think you need to. It's not a case of taking them for a few months and then feeling better and deciding to stop - they don't work like antibiotics or paracetamol or anything like that. If you're like me and you've been through years of struggles, then it takes years of recovery. When you do feel like you've had a long long period of feeling better and you have stability in life to maintain good self care, then talk to a doctor about reducing your dosage GRADUALLY. This could be halfing it, taking a tablet every other day, see what they recommend. But it is such a bad thing for your body to just randomly stop taking them one day. This can have really extreme side effects and make you do the worst things - trust me. Gradual is also better.

3. And the final thing I wanted to say about taking meds for anxiety/depression is that there is absolutely NO SHAME in it at all. If you were Type 1 Diabetic, would you not take your insulin because you wanted your body to get better on its own? This almost sounds laughable when we think of physical health like this, and yet our whole societal thinking around taking medication for mental health is so screwed. If your body and mind need a little help, then give it to them. I know it can be difficult to get your head around first that you're struggling, but honestly I believe taking medication saved my life. It gave me the ability I needed to help myself, and pull myself out of the dark place. But even so I still let myself be pill-shamed a little bit by people, and last year I decided I'd been on my current dosage long enough, I went to the doctor and agreed to half my dosage. This did not go well for me. I struggled through for a while but then took what was an incredibly painful decision to not only go back on my original dosage , but go up some more. I still had bad side effects, at the beginning, but this was 100% the right decision for me.

Please don't let anybody pill-shame you, they may have your best interests at heart but only you know how you're feeling. I have no plans to come off my current medication levels because my mood still can be up and down (hence the reason for me finding this post!), but they have made me feel so much better. I would hate for anyone to deny themselves something that could help them for fear of judgement or uncertainty. I wish I had known some of the things I've written above, so I really hope this can help some people with their own journeys.

You are not alone, we are all in this together. ❤️

hi carli, just give yourself a chance, physical health can make your mental health much worse. if your boyfriend loves you as much as you say tell him what's happening and i'm sure he'll then understand more. just don"t keep quiet it won't be as easy then. i have been married 11 years and don't keep secrets especially about health. good luck. give your self some time and tell the truth

anxiety seems to have gripped, you may need a bit of support outside you and your boyfriend, but ask and don't be frightened.

so its now 2020 and i just created an account to contribute to this conversation because everyone has made me feel not alone and it made me feel at ease with how i am feeling currently. I am still however... a mess... i want this comment help others but omg do i need help as well so if anyone has some advice i would love to hear it.

My name is Sarah and i am 18 and i have been with my gorgeous boyfriend for just over a year. He is thoughtful, loving, affectionate and kind and other people envy the relationship i have with him. We have a very good sex life and we see each other at least 3 times a week. I have struggled with mental health throughout my final years of highschool. I have always been one to worry about everything and this kind of thing is in my blood as my mum has the same struggles. I was recently diagnosed with PCOS and i have struggled with birth control over the past 6 months so my hormones are completely out of whack. i never ever thought i would be having these thoughts about my boyfriend. Over the past few weeks i have had this terrible voice in my head questioning whether i really do love him or if my feelings are truly real or not. Whenever these feelings come over me its like this toxic wave of emotion that just paralyses my body with fear and dread and doubt. It is the worst feeling in the world because even just imagining ending things with my boyfriend breaks my heart completely.

I have been on Lexapro for 2 weeks and nothing seems to have changed, i have noticed that i am more anxious than depressed - is this something other people can relate to?

My feelings are always the worst at the start of the day. It just rushes over me the minute the thought comes into my head. It makes me want to cry and it causes me to have insane panic attacks. It's all a bit of a mess.

Sometimes i worry that maybe he will get sick of me or that he will want to eventually be with another girl and then other times i worry that maybe i don't love him anymore which just kills me to say because it's just come out of nowhere and im pretty sure that i do love him, i adore him. My thought processes are just completely messed up and i am just asking for a friend here. Are my thoughts and feelings a side effect coming from anxiety and depression or am i actually feelings these things because theyre true. I hope they're not true i really do.

I am just filled with so much doubt and dread and fear right now it is eating me on the inside. My medication hasn't seemed to work, does it take a longer amount of time for lexapro to kick in? SOMEONE HELP PLZZZZZZZZZZ ❤️

Oh my god Carli thank you so much for posting this! I'm 22 and have been going through the exact same thing for the past 5 days. This is the first time this has ever happened to me and just like you I feel like I've been going insane. I've been crying non-stop because everything feels so uncertain and unlike my usual self. He is also perfect and loves me so much it hurts when I think about not being with him. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Makes me feel like I'm not alone or going crazy.

Hi carli, and eveyrone else on this forum, I know this is a super late reply but ive been dealing with this for a few weeks now. it was like one morning i woke up and my feelings just werent there anymore. me and my boyfriend have been together now for little over a year and he is fhe best thing that i could ever ask for. He is incredibly supportive, we havee the same life goals, he is my absolute best friend and i want to spend the rest of my life with him. But ever since that morning, i havent been able to look at it the same and its driving me absolutely crazy. i want to get back to how i was, he has been so loving during all thus confusion and i honestly dont deserve him. im trying to figure out the source of this. i dont have depression or anxiety struggles. this is my first instance with it. im not sure if any of you on here are from a Christian background, but my boyfriend and i are, and we look to God in everything. He had always Been our center. So i am struggling with these feelings of if this is God trying to tell me that i need to break up with him. Even though he is the most perfect boyfriend and mate i could ask for in life. or is it just all in my mind. its a constant battle. none of this started until the Corona Virus outbreak and the quarantines. me and my boyfriend had to spend some time apart from eachother and it was during that time that all these thoughts started flooding my head. im sick and tired of living with this ball of anxiety and i just want things to be good again. Thank you all for sharing your stories, its been good to hear that im not the only one who has felt this!