Can depression/anxiety make me doubt my (perfect) relationship?
Posted , 83 users are following.
Hi everyone. I'm posting this because I have been going crazy the past couple of days. I am 20 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years. I can't tell you how wonderful he is. He is kind, smart, funny, and comes from an amazing family that I love so much. Our love has always been stable and strong; he is my rock and my very best friend in life. We have the same goals and values, and I know that I want to have a family and future with him. We don't have giant arguments - we are really good at communicating and working out any problems we might have had. I've never once questioned us.
Until about a few days ago, when I literally woke up and felt nothing. This is the scariest feeling in the world. I went from absolutely ADORING him, to feeling nothing. It has given me such bad anxiety the past few days to where I can't eat or sleep really. I pace around my house obsessively, thinking about every little thing about us. I feel pangs of guilt anytime that he does anything sweet because he loves me SO much and I feel like suddenly, I can't reciprocate that. I've struggled with the question, "Am I still in love with him?" and it has broken my heart to even ask myself that. I feel so guilty, like I am keeping a secret from him and he's living in this blissful ignorance. I don't want to leave him, and I don't ever think about what it would be like to be with anyone else. It makes me anxious to be around him because I'm constantly overanalyzing everything to see if I feel the same way, and to not be around him because I just keep overthinking.
Some background: Starting just after Christmas this year, I have really struggled with health anxiety stemming from problems that did not really exist. I thought I had a brain tumor and spent every moment trying to convince myself I didn't. I took two trips to the ER during that period, where they told me that I had a pinched nerve and on the other trip, an anxiety induced migraine. Things have calmed down since I have been to a doctor and she told me I don't have a tumor. Then recently, I had a sensitive tooth and I couldn't help but think it was infected and I HAD to go to the dentist that day - or else the infection would reach my blood and I would die. I know this sounds nuts, but I'm just trying to give you a picture of my life.
I'm a college student, and lately I don't have the motivation to do my work. I used to be outgoing and ambitious, but now I feel like doing the bare minimum to graduate. I am so anxious that I won't actually get into law school and will embarrass myself because of that. I kind of feel like I'm always waiting for the next thing to come along and that I'm just sort of... existing.
Do you think this could be me projecting my feelings on to my boyfriend? How could it be that one day I literally just don't feel the same way? I'm constanly battling between "you're projecting your anxiety on to him" and "you think you have anxiety/depression, but you actually just don't love him" and it is driving me CRAZY. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Help please!
7 likes, 100 replies
pragya94509 carli80797
Edited
hey .. can you please tell me how you feel now..i'm dealing with the exact same thing..i'm in a long-term relationship of 4 years and was blessed to have him everything was perfect..we use to fight a lot but never really thought of leaving each other.. i blindly trust him like I used to..but idk why I feel like I don't love him..i am dealing with it from 5 days ..sometimes when I imagine my future without him I feel like nothing and sometimes I feel like shouting crying I feel like my feelings are blocked its making me restless. i was a person who loved makeup doing things for my skincare but from past few days I don't feel like doing anything...i've tried keeping myself busy but thoughts of living a life without him makes me feel uncomfortable. I've dated people earlier too but breaking up or thoughts of leaving dosen't bothered me before...i feel like I can live without him and this thought makes me feel like I want to yell cry i feel totally empty. All I know is I want myself back the way i used to feel before. I don't want to live like this idk but i just don't want to leave him because I know what I'm gonna loose. sometimes my heart says everything will be okay i miss the days when I was happy.. I want to love him till my last breath..i was proud of my love for him I was proud of being with a man who is man of my dreams .. i've always been loyal and now too I know I don't want anyone else but i just don't want to feel like I don't love him..it makes me little happy and relaxed realizing that he'll be there it feels better when I feel there's a hope. Also i'm an anxious person. This is 2021 and i've been anxious thinking he would die suddenly and it ago I felt literally scared because I felt he is going to die suddenly and it terrified me alot I always use to feel like I want marry him or else i don't want to live. there was a time when I use to pray for him cry to god for his well being . this anxiety of his sudden death kept on killing me for almost a year but i was happy and proud that I fell for a guy like him. but now i feel i can live without him I don't love him and at the very next moment it scares me. he never worked before never had a job and now he is working and we talk less. he is a busy person now ( what he never use to be ) . Feeling empty for him now bothering me alot. i don't want to groom myself like I used to be I feel empty I feel like I hate myself for not being able to feel the way I used to feel before. I feel better when someone says i still love him...I feel a lot better when I feel there's a hope. All I know is I don't want to loose him...and if I did it would be a worst mistake of my life... I just want him back I want my feelings back 😔 now I pray to god for getting my feelings back cz I want to love him more passionately like I use to love before
brisa2121 carli80797
Posted
Hey Carli!
I'm currently going through the same thing in my life right now. It started 9 months into ny depo provera shot where one week I was completly inlove with my bf of 4 years to nothing the next week and I freaked out becasue I didnt want to lose him so I decided that I was going to come off the shot but its been one month since I got off depo and things are even worse. my mind cant stop all these negative thoughts about everyone in my life or any stranger but mostly with my boyfriend. i know that in my heart i love him and we have gotten so close to each other this year I have never been so inlove until now. I feel nothing and its even worse in the mornings i get so anxious I can't even eat or workout like I used to and even the people around me notice im not my bubbly self i have always been. I cant stop crying at the fact that I feel nothing and even more when i look at my bf ! i just want to be normal again it feels like i had the happiness sucked out of me ! someone please help
ellie920 carli80797
Posted
Hi Carli i understand this has been a while now but i am going through the exact same thing as you also with the brain tumor part as well , and i was wondering if things have cleared up for you . im already on anti depression tablets but stopped taking them a few times and wonder if this could be causing it
please could you help me because its freaking me out and i'm afraid i wont be able to deal with it any longer
stranger17 carli80797
Edited
I have been feeling like this for the past 2 days. It happened so suddenly. I just woke up and felt nothing. I feel quite empty and emotionally tired i guess. It's my first ever relationship and we started dating not too long ago. I know I love him because he's exactly what I was looking for in someone. He has all the traits I wanted my future partner to have and it's still unbelievable to me that he exists and that we met. I don't know why I'm feeling like this all of a sudden and it's scaring me and making me doubt my feelings for him. Just thinking about breaking up with him makes me genuinely sad because he's perfect. I trust him and I don't doubt his love for me because he truly makes me feel loved and appreciated and supported. He motivates me and inspires me. I don't go into relationships easily since I don't want to date just to break up and I'm not really the playful type. Maybe it's just my depression and anxiety since I've been feeling depressed and anxious for quite some time, maybe 2-3 years. I haven't really gotten any help since I didn't think it would affect my life badly but I'll go see a psychologist next month so hopefully it will help me.
Els824668 carli80797
Posted
I am interested to know from anyone who can give me a bit of advice. I am the partner of someone going through this and she has ended our perfect relationship and is saying her feelings have changed and there must be something wrong with our relationship due to her pushing me away on a few occasions. She struggles with bad anxiety, panic attacks and depression and has always been able to talk to me but this time she has shut down and doesn't want any contact. Everything she has said and done during our relationship has left me with no doubt at all about how she feels about me and our future, but she claims that has changed in just under 2 weeks and she has to stand by her decision to end our relationship. She has done this twice before and then said she didn't want to lose me and doesn't know why she pushes me away.
I have told her i will not give up on her, or us, but she has dismissed all hope for us in the two weeks we have been apart. She's in a really bad place just now and has tried many counsellors and types of therapy in the past. She is on medication, although she doesn't like taking this and i cannot find out if she has stopped taking it or cut the dosage - this is quite likely as she's done it before.
I'd be really grateful if anyone could give me a bit of advice from the perspective of someone going through this themselves. I dont want our relationship to be over at all and i don't want to lose her, but she has shut down and doesn't want me to contact her now.
Our relationship is (or was) perfect and I don't believe that her feelings have changed so drastically (she's said the same before and not meant it).
I don't know whether to continue believing that this is likely to be her anxiety and depression making her think her feelings have changed in only 2 weeks and to keep hoping she will come back to me......or to maybe accept that she has now convinced herself that she doesn't feel the same and wants me to walk away.
I know she needs space at the moment but i'm scared that when she feels a bit calmer and less anxious, she'll associate that with the fact that it must be our relationship.
I'd be grateful for any advice please.
Murdok Els824668
Posted
Hello friend,
I am in the same situation that everyone here has described. For a little background, I am 29 and I have had a girlfriend for almost 4 months now and she is the perfect woman and I love her. About 2 months ago, i noticed a physical flaw on her that turned me off and even though she has fixed that flaw, i still feel so anxious about our relationship. She is beautiful and she is the smartest person that i know. We are very similar and we share the same values in life (family, respect, equality, etc). Ever since that episode, i have been doubting everything about our relationship, i know that i love her but something always make me doubt my feelings for her.
About a month ago, I started seeing a therapist so i could stop doubting myself so much. He has come across multiple causes for my situation : High-functionning autism, fear of abandonment and fear of engagement (the last 2 ones could be in the same category). I recently came across this website and i am 100% sure that i have a Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Behaviour. I thought that knowing this would calm down my anxiety but not really so far. I try to meditate, read philosophy, i run everyday and i eat relatively healthy. These intrusive thoughts really affect the way i think. I have trouble concentrating at work and enjoying the moments i spend alone or with other people. The best way to deal with these thoughts is to acknowledge them and let them go because that's all they are : thoughts that everyone have at a certain point in their relationship. I do realize that that's really easier said than done.
I used to tell everything to my girlfriend about how i feel but she told me that it's making her doubt our relationship as well and she told me that it's hard for her to help me when i'm doubting everything. That just means that i need to communicate the way i see things with her better, which is hard to do. What helps me though is when she confronts me and tell me that i need to control the thoughts in my head because as much as she wants to help me, there isn't much that she can do to convince me that my feelings are still there. These moments make me go into panic attacks and make me realize that i fear deeply that she will leave me. I also feel better when she tells me that she will be here for me and that she will wait until i am ready. What makes me feel bad is when she tells me that i'm perfect and she would be ready to move in with me. That makes me fear that if my feelings don't come back, i will have to break her heart and that kills me inside. I don't think i could live without her.
My advice to you would be to let her know that you are there for her and that she can take her time and when she will be ready, you will be there, waiting patiently. If your girlfriend can relate to what i have just written, then the best you can do is support her as there is no magical cure that i'm aware of that can make her feel better.
I hope that i have been a little bit of help to you. If i was your girlfriend, i know that i would be around my phone waiting for you to text me or call me so don't be shy.
If anyone here is willing to talk, please let me know. I know on my part that talking with other people who have the same problems makes me feel better.
Don't give up, there is light ahead.
roxanne95743 carli80797
Posted
Hellooo everyone,
I see myself in every of your comments. Check out on internet for ROCD (relationship ocd). A lot of messages here look like a ocd thing... unfortunatly, too much people don't even know that it's a thing. I have been diagnosed with this illness and i started to see a therapist. It helps a lot.
abi32073 carli80797
Posted
Hey everyone,
I hope all those who have posted on here is doing okay and that you have found a way not to suffer. In some ways its been an awful relief to see that I am not the only one who is going through this. I thought I'd share my experience since its been a while since people have posted on here. My situation is pretty much the same. I am 20, I adore my partner, we have been together for 2 years, he is so wonderful in every way and I knew we'd have a future together. We don't argue, we have had disagreements but our clear communication has always made me feel so secure in our relationship. But as ever, I woke up one day and I felt numb and panicked. I had this thought that I didn't love him any more. This absolutely crushed me and I didn't understand why it was happening. I've struggled with intrusive thoughts before so I was able to explain it to him and he was incredibly supportive. But when we spent time together, there would be moments when I forgot about it but then the thought would come back and the amount of guilt I felt was so painful. It got really difficult because I didn't want him to know how constant this feeling was in fear of making him worried. I don't want to lose him, I want him in my life and I don't want to feel like this. I love him but I can't feel it and it is so distressing.
My background: I have always been a very confident, sociable person with a strong mind and life goals. However, this past year at university has completely knocked me. I am studying a creative course but it is practical and incredibly stressful - I didn't realise just how stressful it would be. My grades are really good, I've made great connections and realistically I'm on the right track. But working so hard has completely exhausted me, I wasn't enjoying it any more and I didn't know what the point was because it was effecting my mental health so badly. I wanted to quit but I stuck to it. By the end of the year my stress levels had reached boiling point, I fell into a depressive state and as always, my boyfriend was so supportive. I became dependant on him. I was either working really hard or spending time with him because he was my happy place. But I didn't go out and see my friends and I became incredibly isolated. There were a lot of other things effecting my anxiety but I'll go on forever haha.
So it will be 4 weeks tomorrow since I woke up and had the feeling. I have cried every day, had awful anxiety stomach pains and my head can feel so spaced out. It's been overwhelming and lead to panic attacks. I felt like I was going insane. I still have to wait over two weeks before I can get therapy and my doctor has put me on a small dose of sertraline. I've quit smoking, I don't touch alcohol any more, I don't drink caffeine, I exercise (this one is something I never thought I'd do as I am not a very athletic person) I've read books and watched videos on anxiety. I feel like there is hope and the only thing that has helped me get through is by knowing that they are just thoughts, I don't have to believe them. Of course they feel incredibly real and I have believed them. My partner and I are taking some time apart until I feel better mentally. I really don't want to be without him. I just want to say that anyone else feeling like this, you are not alone. I hope we can all find a way out of it.
lilihanna16279 carli80797
Posted
Hey! i know this post was written years ago but i just found it and maybe you will see my comment. i am 17 years old and has been with my bf for almost 9 months. i love him more than anything. i am the clingy and obsessed type. one week ago i woke up and my brain started questioning my feelings, while i knew that i am deeply in love with him. i can't help these thought and it makes me really anxious. i talked about it with him and he thought i just fell out of love but i know it's not that. i really love him, i just feel like i can't experience and express my feelings. i also have derealization since last week. i can't focus on anything, i feel numb and anxious almost all day. i don't know what to do.