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Can living in the wrong environment make you depressed?

Posted , 6 users are following.

Ahsoka23
Ahsoka23

I know that I am in the wrong environment. I have been living in the wrong country. I have been living in Poland since late 2011 and I cannot seem to get the hell out of this horrible country. I came here because I thought I was going to start a new life with my ex. But that never happened. And now I feel like I am stuck here for the rest of my life, even though I am not even Polish. This place is awful. 

The past 2 weeks all I have thought about is suicide. I dont want to live, and I feel very lost, I have no idea how to find myself or if there is anyone listening, or if there is anyone who can help me. I owe so much money to people, my landlady being one, and work is not helping. I am not living my passion nor am I happy when I wake up because I know the day will be filled with disappointment and loneliness. 

I wish I was in Canada. I wish I was doing what I love which is acting, I wish I had someone to share my life with and not be so alone, I wish I didnt have to constantly worry about money and have new and exciting experiences. 

But I am stuck in this place and I do not knwo why. Why am I being punished? What did I do wrong and what am I doing wrong? I just want things to work out for me. But really I just want to end this pain in my life. Is anyon listening? 

3 likes, 18 replies

18 Replies

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  • lorraine52317
    lorraine52317 Ahsoka23

    Posted

    Hi ahsoka

    I'm listening ♥

    Do you have family in Canada? Could they not lend you some money for a ticket, until you get back on your feet?

    It sounds like you are really depressed with your situation. It's time for a plan of action! Is there anything you can do to get back home? Even if it's saving a tiny bit of money each week. You mention you owe money, is there any debt help centres that can offer advice?

    You have a lifetime in front of you, the right person will come along for you. Best to wait for the right person, rather than tolerate someone whose actions don't match their words. You will not be stuck there for the rest of your life. You need to get creative in your thinking and planning of getting back home.

    Suicidal thoughts need to be pushed right out of your head! It's time for positive action. There must be places in Poland where you can get some good advice and help???

    Stay focused, positive and determined! God bless ♥

    • Ahsoka23
      Ahsoka23 lorraine52317

      Posted

      I have no family. My family died in 2004 and I have been on my own ever since. I would love to have a family of my own, a real support system, but I cannot seem to find one. Poland is not a place where people help others who have mental illness. I hate this country, I wish I never came here. 

      The only debt center is taking out a loan, which according to the people here is mafia run. I dont know, I just want out. I want out of this so called reality I want out of this place for good. I have no reason why I get out of bed everyday. 

      This is what is like when you are completely alone. There is nothing. And I hate life so much that I would give anything to not come back to this horrible place. Why wont God kill me? He is punishing me, I know that. 

    • DawnDedee
      DawnDedee Ahsoka23

      Posted

      The thought that someone higher than me is punishing me causes me to lose power.  You do have more power than you realize.  Set out to seek it.  

      I too have no family and it is terrible.

  • DawnDedee
    DawnDedee Ahsoka23

    Posted

    Yes, I am listening and you are singing my song.  I too am stuck in a place where I wish I was not, in debt over my head which prevents me from even having the money to move, and I believe fully that our environment can make us feel down and depressed.  True depression is organic and can attack even when one is living with passion and not stuck in pergatory.  What I wonder is if there is a correlation between living in unhappy circumstances for too long and developing true organic depression.  Most likely that much constant stress could tip the scales of the chemicals in the brain.

    I wish I were in Canada also.  Ironic.  I wish for other places here in the USA also.  I do not think that we are being punished as much as we made choices that landed us where we are, and we have to live with the consequences.  The thought that there is some supreme being just waiting to punish me and keep me from happiness, encourages me to not hold myself accountable for my own choices.

    Part of me just wants to GO, leave, run, but I always talk myself out of it with "sensible" conclusions.  But really, why can I not just pick up and go to make my dreams come true?  I have even thought that I would be willing to live in a homeless shelter just to start my life over into a new direction.  

    Clearing debt in and of itself would make me feel lighter and happier.  Debt is a killer of passion.  There is a good book by Dave Ramsey that I have begun to use to help me out of debt.  I reached some of the goals but then things happened that caused me to slide back into the debt pit.  BUT, when I did reach some of the goals, my city began to seem less horrid.  

    Debt is a killer.  Consider it.  Hope you reach your dreams.

    Dawn, USA

    • Ahsoka23
      Ahsoka23 DawnDedee

      Posted

      I wish I never took out a loan nor came to this place. I feel like everyone around me just wants money from me. These people do not care about me. They dont even care if I die. They will just keep going and forget about me. I have no one in my life, and my poor decisions in life have caused me to be in this situation. 

      I spend most of my free time sleeping and drinking, I even have this desire to gt some pills tomorrow and finally OD. Then maybe then I will finally get some peace. 

      In order for me to get to Canada, I will need money and money or the lact there of, has practically ruined my life. What is the point of living? All these pro-lifers talking about the santity of life well they are really not pro-life because they dont care about the life of people who are really struggling. I hope I dont wake up tomorrow. I just want to sleep forever. I am tired and done. 

    • DawnDedee
      DawnDedee Ahsoka23

      Posted

      Consider the book. "Total Money Makeover".  Ingest new thoughts into your head.  Perhaps new thoughts of hope will crowd out the bad thoughts.  Just imagine yourself in Canada and be willing to do whatever it takes to get there.  You do realize that alcohol is a depressant?  That is one aspect you could work on right away.  Forget adding the pills to the mix.  

      Just encountering someone who is in my similar boat, you, has encouraged me to re-read the book.  It sure feels good to have that loan money at first does'nt it?  But then it hangs over us like an oppressive death sentence seemingly forever.

      Hang in there ahsoka!  

    • Ahsoka23
      Ahsoka23 DawnDedee

      Posted

      Sometimes I feel like I am running out of time. I find comfort in alcohol. The loan is basically money I borrowed from someone and I stil have past rent to pay and this month's rent to pay. If I dont pay I will be homeless. Because  I have no where else to live. That is why I want to leave this country and it's depressive culture. Canada seems to be the light at the end of the tunnel. There is a support system there, there is a suicide hotline there and people who are willing to help. I know that if I was there I would not have to support myself, barely support myself by being a teacher and if I was there I would be getting work in commercials and movies. 

      I am tired of struggling and tired of living in this prison. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy, truly alive. Poland is a horrible country, if anyone tries to tell you that: "hey you should visit Poland" Dont, it is not a good country at all. I feel like an alien here, and I have lived in France, UK, Australia, and Germany and I have never felt this out of place before. 

      I have wasted so much time here. I wonder if there are any angels up there that will take me away from this place. 

      But pills seem to be the only answer. What other way out of this is there. I cant spend another year here, nothing will happen and I will never progress. I wish I was given a second chance at life. 

    • DawnDedee
      DawnDedee Ahsoka23

      Posted

      I lived in Canada when I was young, for three years.  The people were so wonderful.  Well, except for the neighbor boy who wanted to beat me up.  I fought him like a girl...told my mom who told his mom and he was forced to apologize to me.  Off track.  

      Just buy a plane ticket and go.  There are times when I just want to pack only my basic needs and travel to where I wish I was and stay in a homeless shelter until I can pull together a place to live and find a job.  I wish I was not so hesitant.  Having three children complicates things.

      I find comfort in Cheez-It crackers.  Lots of them!  I understand the need for comfort. They make me fat and constipated.  Your alcohol makes you more depressed because it is a depressant.  When I am munching on my crackers I hate myself for doing it.  But I cannot stop.  Because I cannot face life head on right now.  I do not like what I see in me.  I cannot even stand silence, so the television is always on.  What am I afraid of?  I long to strip all of my comforts away from me and figure out what I am so afraid of.

      I can promise that I will never visit Poland.  You have convinced me!  Take your next pay check and leave.  JUST LEAVE.  That place is going to kill you.  Think outside of your prison.  You can tell me the same.  

       

    • Ahsoka23
      Ahsoka23 DawnDedee

      Posted

      All I need... All I want is money. Enough money to buy a one way ticket to Toronto, get a place to stay there and get a visa so I can work there legally and eventually get Canadian citizenship. 
    • DawnDedee
      DawnDedee Ahsoka23

      Posted

      I sure hope you get what you want. It has been a while since your original post, has anything become better for you yet?  Was just thinking of you.
    • Ahsoka23
      Ahsoka23 DawnDedee

      Posted

      I want to get what I want so badly. Last week was a nightmare. All I can think about is getting out of here. Moving on. I am trying everyday, everyday. I just want to get out of this damn depression and be happy. I hate feeling this way and I really want to get out of this phase of my life. 
    • DawnDedee
      DawnDedee Ahsoka23

      Posted

      Then you will because you want to.  Keep your dream forefront in your mind.  Do everything possible to gain control over the depression.  
  • tanya73074
    tanya73074 Ahsoka23

    Posted

    We're all listening ahsoka23.

    Firstly, you are not being punished, you are not doing anything wrong, you are not a bad person. I see a man who is in a bad place- and that's OK, we all have chapters in our life that are not the greatest. But I can see you are strong, despite the hard times. After all the sh*t, you ahsoka23 are still here! Please, celebrate and recognise your strength.

    Please allow me to give you a coping tactic I use... your dreams, ambition, everything can be your drive? Allow yourself to set goals, work that plan of action and tick off each box as you achieve it. Maybe then you will see just how much you can achieve? Hopefully you will see how strong you really are and gain some confidence.

    Ahsoka, you are not alone on here. Feel free to contact me whenever, even if it's just for a chat. Have you thought about going to see a doctor?

    I hope to hear from you soon. Tanya smile

    • Ahsoka23
      Ahsoka23 tanya73074

      Posted

      Thank you for the reply. Everyday I think to myself: "How can I get out of this place". And the only thing I need is money. I do work but it does not pay enough and I am always looking for new work and ways to make more money. Seeing a doctor cost money, everything on this planet cost money and I hate it. I am tired of survivng. 
    • DawnDedee
      DawnDedee Ahsoka23

      Posted

      I too become tired of surviving.  It is over whelming to me that EVERYTHING costs money, the one thing I do not have.  Then I wonder how people with money do it?  Then I tell myself that I am just not smart enough and a failure for not being rich.  Even when I had money I did not save it.  I hate this inner battle.
    • Ahsoka23
      Ahsoka23 DawnDedee

      Posted

      I am trying to save money but most of it goes to bills. And right now I am just tired of struggling to earn money and to keep it. There seems to always be something in my way. And I want to know why. 
    • DawnDedee
      DawnDedee Ahsoka23

      Posted

      I hear you.  I wish I were somewhere else but have the exact same struggle.  Last year I actually got some debts paid off and actually had extra money and soon after my car broke down twice.  There went the extra money, plus I am in the hole again.

      What I have noticed though about life, is that when something is supposed to happen, it does.  Everything comes together amazingly.  In the meantime, I try to examine my current situation to find out why I am there.  Why am I here in this place I loathe?  There must be a reason why road blocks are put in front of me.  Perhaps I just need to observe what I am supposed to learn in my situation.  This is all I can figure out to answer the question "why".

       

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