Can someone knock some sense into me?
Posted , 11 users are following.
I'm a 32 year old female... I've posted here before as I know for sure I have a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol but lately I'm trapped in that vicious circle again of daily drinking and constant fear I'm killing myself...
In a nutshell.. I started drinking when I was 14 I'm ashamed to admit with friends or sneaking into the pub to get served.... I then got a job with a local pub and was exposed to drinking from an early age and despite a strict homelife it was unhappy a lot of the time due to older sibling issues so I always escaped to friends or the pub where I worked and met an older man... I was involved in a very emotionally abusuve relationship from 15-20 with a man who lived in the pub.. Drinking just became a way of life back then..
At 21 I finally got rid of the scumbag and met a decent man... To this day we are still married.... But at 21 drinking became even more acceptable and so binge drinking 4/5 nights a week seemed the norm....
At 25 I developed some really tiny blood vessels burst on my upper arms. Knowing I was still drinking too much I went to the doctors and I believe had a blood test all ok... But by googling I was convinced they were spider Neavis....
Cut a long story shorter.... A few more years of heavy drinking pasted I curbed it down to 3 days a week out of sheer fear around the time of my wedding at 28, we then tried for a baby and I went super clean maybe one two nights a week turned out we had male problems and ended up having IVF so for a whole 12 months I barely had more than 3 glasses of wine... We were so blessed with a beautiful daughter in 2014.... 2 months after she was born I found myself drinking in the evenings again more than I would like to admit....
When my daughter was 11 months old we found out we fell pregnant naturally and I was over the moon and only had the odd glass of bubble during my pregnancy...
My son arrived Dec 2015 and I very quickly fell back into heavy drinking in the evenings I like to think due to a stressful time but he's 7 months now and although it's been the hardest time ever dealing sure two under two it's gradually getting easier but my drinking is getting worse...
My reason for posting is I'm getting more tiny blood vessels pop up all over my body. Im constantly bruising but otherwise look and feel really healthy!!!
I'm smoking like a trooper whenever the kids are asleep, I generally feel exhausted all the time prob from lack of sleep but I know alcohol too but I can't stop the cycle and I'm so worried I'm killing myself but to stupid to see it?
I would say I average 60 units a week with two nights free every two weeks of occasionally a few days in a row.
Can someone help me see sense?
Do my symptoms mean something serious?!
Thanks for listening
1 like, 34 replies
deirdre._03652 gb201408
Posted
Hi gb....I was an alcoholic for very many years....and i drank a huge amount more than you....I know just how easy it is to get hooked and how hard it it to stop.....
First things first....your physical health....please see your GP...be very honest about your drinking habits, request some blood tests ( although I am sure you won't need to ask....
You are obviously worried both for yourself and your little ones...I totally understand that ( i had four ) although older than yours.
I know the self loathing, the feeling of being weak. The utter sense of fear and self loathing, and not knowing which way to turn,...not
But decide one day, maybe next week to visit your GP and explain all of your worries, both emotionally and physically...you will find them a great....NON...JUDGEMENTAL HELP.....
I got past it...but I ended up getting sectioned four times !!!! And weighing 5st 10lbs....two weeks away from death....
Don't think of it as ,.NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ....rather
Think of it as...I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY....
Some people find A A very helpful, they are excellent, but a little too intense for me....
Please see your GP...they are on your side !!!!! I wish you so much luck...love....and big WARM HUGS also.....you are worth it....never ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever forget that....xxx dee .
nicole36330 gb201408
Posted
You need help and soon.Alcolism is progressive and at 31 I wansnt drinking as much as you(I'm 48 now) but ended up drinking up to up 200 units a week(yikes) so if you don't get it under controle now you are really in trouble.
Google the Sinclair method and I'm sure people will be along soon to give more advice
Just be careful with your gp though as you have very young children
Misssy2 gb201408
Posted
Unfortunetly, No one can "knock" the cravings out of you either.
I also started young...and I'm now 52, alcohol has been a life long struggle
They say that something really bad can eventually happen...and then a person will not want to drink. Something bad did happen to me...I eventually got very sick..and my job was at stake...and I quit for 8 years. But, when I quit the job...I started drinking again.
Another example: A young girl in a group I went to...killed 2 people drunk driving...she didn't remember it...she was in a black out....
SO...because she didn't remember it...she didn't "feel" anything about it...and she kept drinking...while she awaited trial.
She ended up being sentenced for those deaths...for 8 years....and she came out and drank.
But, alot of times...people get drunk driving charges..and quit...(when they remember the charges)...some people lose jobs....some people p*ss off family members so much that families seperate...some peoples kids turn away from them...on and on and SOME of these people quit.
I think it is very rare for someone to quit for "someone" else (your kids). I could never stop for my kids....AND I wanted to.
I was asked one day to think seriously...to think about my kids standing behind my car and how bad I wanted liquor....to be honest with myself..I would have to say at times of heavy drinking..I unfortunately would run them over for a drink...(and hope they wouldn't DIE)....very "sick".
I guess what I'm trying to say is...no matter how bad you WANT to quit..it is unlikely you will...until something bad happens
.
Now I hope you would take that as a challenge and quit...some people do work well when challenged..but alcohol is powerful....and it would be a blessing....for YOU and your children, if you proved this theroy incorrect .
Just keep posting....maybe someday, something will "click" before something bad happens.
Robin2015 gb201408
Posted
vic67405 gb201408
Posted
Oh my gosh, that could have been myself writing that history. Almost identical.
I am now 38, have been sectioned twice because the alchohol abuse made my pre existing MH problems worse.
I very rapidly went from a loving mum with a great husband and a fantastic job to being dependant on alchohol, a terrible mother and unemployed with a criminal record.
I thought I could handle the drink and believe me it escalates very very quickly to when you need to morning drink to function.
I've been through withdrawal hell countless times.
Thankfully I am now in recovery, it's early days but I had to stop drinking which at the stage I was is very difficult. I also have the red face, red marks etc.
It gets worse PLEASE, seek help to cut down or stop.
Robin2015 vic67405
Posted
ADEfree gb201408
Posted
You're way outside the low risk range for drinking, I'd suggest you check in with your doctor to make sure your liver isn't being affected and see what they can do for you wrt cutting back or quitting.
Nicole mentioned The Sinclair Method, which can be one option for you:
https://patient.info/health/sinclair-method-for-alcohol-use-disorder
Sounds like you had some luck with willpower before, perhaps just try tapering down at the rate of 1 drink per night or every other night. Start a drinks diary, your doctor will want to see it and you'll need it if you're to get medication for AUD on NHS. I think the best thing for you to do is to see your doc and explore your options for getting back to a more sober relationship with alcohol (sobriey includes moderation, btw) and regaining your health.
gb201408
Posted
Thank you all for the words and support I hope it's what I needed to hear to kick start a change.
I have never driven after drinking and easily manage nights out driving without a drink and yes whilst pregnant both times I wouldn't even consider having more than one glass on the odd occasion and actually liked being drink free and the better person I was. This shows I can do it and clearly put my children first so why can't I see that now?
I do worry about going to the GP as a mother of two young children but I also know I'm probably not the only housewife in this position managing a family successfully and relying heavily on alcohol.
Whilst pregnant I did discuss the red marks with the doctor who assured it was not liver related but just one of those things that happen, deep down I'm convinced they are related although tests many years ago showed liver function fine when I first expressed a worry over the spots.
Last night I said to hubby I think I am drinking too much again and he agreed we should but try and abstain so from today I will aim to stop drinking in the evenings and perhaps just drink on social occasions outside the home and hope I can get a handle on things!
ADEfree gb201408
Posted
If you can do it without meds, so much the better. Maybe check out Moderation Management's online forums.
"This shows I can do it and clearly put my children first so why can't I see that now?"
The compulsion to drink can originate from an unconscious part of the brain called the Striatum. Every day you drink it reinforces the unconscious notion that alcohol = pleasure in one part of the Striatum, while the other part remembers how to motivate you to obtain the drink and get it past your lips. This part of the brain does not respond to logic or reason, it simply isn't wired for that. That's why you hear of so many with addictions going down the tubes with their eyes wide open, seemingly against their own will. In these cases, Medication Assisted Treatment is often able to erase those urges and give control back over to the conscious processes.
Well, have at it and see what you find. If Plan A doesn't work, there's a very viable Plan B.
Best luck and let us know how you get on!
vic67405 gb201408
Posted
I still think you should go to your GP.
They will not judge, they have heard it hundreds of times before.
Do not be worried about anything you say to the GP or about having young children. They would only ever refer to social services if they felt your children were at risk.
At this stage I very much doubt they are.
The GP can order blood tests and refer you to an alchohol treatment centre if needed. There is so much support out there, you do not have to do this alone.
I hate to be harsh but it's a slippery slope and very very hard to get yourself back in control on your own.
I am not suggesting that you need medical intervention, but your story rings so true to mine I strongly suggest you see what support is there.
Good luck. Keep posting x
RHGB gb201408
Posted
In order -
When people have a real need to give up alcohol, as with children in your case, they can actually do it. You've returned to alcohol because there is something missing in your life, a hole, and currently alcohol is filling that hole.
Feeling lethargic will be down to the fact that you don't eat properly. Alcohol washes vitamins out of your system and by not eating properly, you are not replacing them.
Bruising will most likely be down to a low platelet count. There are many reasons that could be the cause of it, but, this CAN (note, not is) either down to the first warning sign of liver disease approaching or a lack of vitamin K which is also a first warning sign. It may something completely different, but given your drinking history, I would want it checked out.
My advice is to visit your GP and ask for a LFT that has FBC and when the results come through, make sure they tell you your GGT score and any elevated enzymes (plus platelet count).
richard89308 gb201408
Posted
keep going like that you will not see your grand children and you will probably die suddenly from the combination of heavy drinking and smoking. Now prove me wrong and do something about it. It's your life.
gb201408
Posted
Thanks all, I forgot to mention in my first hasty post that Dec 2014 I also went to the doctors and expressed my concern about the red marks and liver then, the doctor did a physical examination of the liver and thought it was fine and seemed convinced there was no damage based on what I discussed about my drinking habits over the years, to put my mind at rest he did redo my bloods, the results of these were normal then and he was adamant the red marks weren't related.
Since then I've had a full 9 months off the booze from March 2015-Dec 2015 and really started back up after life got tough after my second was born.
I think deep down I know how much I drink and why isn't normal....
I'm so lucky to have such a great life I don't understand what's making me do it?!
Certainly time to reassess and I'm hoping it's not stupid of me to one day hope I'll have a balanced relationship with alcohol.
Nothing to drink this evening and nothing in the good shop for 2mor!!
Feeling positive!!!
gb201408
Posted
Hi all,
Can I ask some advice around the generall cutting down stopping alcohol to a dangerous level?
Is it naive of me to think I can one day get a grip on this and learn to moderate my drinking?!
I'm day two of no drinking and although I did buy some alcohol free beers to sit and relax with this evening I do wonder if that's helping the situation at all?!
In the back of my mind I'm looking forward to a drink already but looking forward to actually enjoying it at a big social event in a few weeks rather than feeling guilty it's just another night of drinking as it used to be.
Is it normal to think about having a drink before you have one?! I guess it using willpower to not drink now and although I know the first few days are fine as I'm actually enjoying not drinking and feeling better about myself already I worry I will slip too easily into thinking I'm ok and can be a slippery slope.
Thanks
RHGB gb201408
Posted
gb201408 RHGB
Posted
ADEfree gb201408
Posted
It's a bit of an odd situation, as you seem to be able to go dry for quite a time without a problem. You could look up Moderation Management, they have online forums where you might get some tips.
If you try and just can't stop, that's another thing and you can use certain meds to change that. But who wants to use meds if it can be addressed without them?
gb201408 ADEfree
Posted
You are right, I seem to be able to do it when I've had to but even now 3 days in I've had to exercise a lot of willpower to not buy a bottle of wine for tonight.
A tough day with two kids makes me feel like I need something as some kind of release at the end of the day but then two hours gardening has kept me busy instead but in the back of my mind I feel like I'm just holding out as long as possible rather than changing my mindset....
It should normal to go a week or two weeks without a drink at home without being tempted every day surely?!
Robin2015 gb201408
Posted
lizzie67 gb201408
Posted
Hello
I totally understand how difficult it is to stop drinking especially once the kids have gone to bed!
I drank for 20 years - wine.
I stopped at Christmas and have not had a drop since. I dont miss it but feel so guitly about what I have missed out on being in a drunken stupor.
I found I still needed to treat myself when the kids went to bed. I started having a coffee and cream cakes.
I personally wouldnt be able to drink non-acholic beer.
As the school holidays are coming up, could you change your routine and maybe have an early dinner and then go out for a walk with the kids?
I found it difficult to relax and so would pop out to Lidl or Aldi just to see the bargains they had that week or popped to the supermarket to get just one item, just to break the habit of kids in bed, sit down, wine o'clock and relax.
All this has passed now, I sit down in the evening with a bottle of mineral water!
Good luck xx
Misssy2 lizzie67
Posted
I know how good it is to be sober for a long time! I'm glad you have been successful and it gives me a goal to be succesful as well (this time)..
Congratulations on your new freedom from alcohol!
lizzie67 Misssy2
Posted
My hubbie cannot believe i gave up. Everything revolved around my drinking. EVen when we would come home after a day out, late - maybe 10pm, I would still have to drink. It controlled me.
Also, I would like to mention that I have no will power at all.
I tried many times to give up smoking - I would hide a couple for when hubby was at work, etc.
I also gave this up, unfortunately, I smoked throughout my pregnancy and gave up the day my daughter was born.
An old GP sent me to an alcohol place. I was so upset that i had to be breathalysed. I didnt drink during the day, it was my reward when the kids went to bed.
I really must say I dont miss it at all but I could not take the risk of havng one sip. I do love the smell of cigarette smoke though.
Regards, Liz xx
Misssy2 lizzie67
Posted
Do not EVER take the risk with either one.
I had 8 years sober and took the risk to drink...and the last 2 years...many hospital visits..almost died at least 2 x.
Smoking I gave up for one year...but when I started drinking that went out the window too!
You are doing wonderful..and I'm sure you have no idea how many people you are a role model for....I didn't KNOW until I started again...and lost all the respect I earned.
I don't care about the RESPECT thou....don't lose that feeling you have right now...nothing is EVER worth it.