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Hi, since I was about 14 I've noticed asymmetry in my face, starting with my nose and then as I grew older I realised it's actually my whole body - the right side, the whole right side, looks less developed than the left. For instance, the right side of my nose is slightly larger, with more cartilage, my right ear is thinner, my right ankle is weaker, basically all the bones and muscle on the right side of my body is weaker and less defined than my left side, which is defined well and is very strong. Even my cheekbones are different.
I've managed so far to deal with this, even though it's been with me for ever, it's my body! But now it's starting to grab hold of me again. I start thinking that I am not 'whole', that I am not a human being, that I'm deformed and look like a monster. That my genes are flawed and that people are looking at me from everywhere. I am horribly self-conscious, and I try to avoid looking people in the eye. I sometimes look at them only to see if they can detect my asymmetric features and will suddenly look frightened or scared. I feel that I can never be genuinely loved because of my flawed body, lack of symmetry. It has led me to self-harm and suicidal thoughts enter my head every day. In fact, I constantly wish I was dead, and imagine myself hanging from a tree.
I don't know how long i can live with this anymore. It's like a curse. When I sit down, I slump to the right a bit because my body is weaker on that side. I often cannot breathe in my right nostril, the side of my nose that is wider than the left side. I know there is a problem running through my whole body, as just recently I had a Xray scan of my gums. The left wisdom tooth is coming up in a perfect vertical direction. The right one is still buried below, and angled about 45 degrees into the root of my other tooth. It will never come up. Similarly, oh I could go on. I really hate this, I hate it so much but I just live every day and try to forget about it.
I want to know if you met me in real life, would this bother you? I know some people are more obsessed with appearance than others, and some may notice flaws in appearances more than others. I want to know if it will bother you, if it will cause you to dislike me even if you like my character and personality. Sometimes I feel I am different from my family, my mum and brother, who have no asymmetric deviation to the extent I have. I feel sometimes that they think of me as a monster, that they hate me for my inability to grow properly. Please help me.
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