Chaos

Posted , 8 users are following.

I sit here in panic.

I don't drink right now..so in the past couple of months I decided to smoke pot. And the past 2 years I have hated my living situation, I have hated that the boyfriend I loved is not the same, I have hated that I am not the same.  I have asked him to leave multiple times thru the last 1.5 years.. . I had finally made up my mind the past week that he needs to find somewhere to go and I am having a nervous/anxiety breakdown.

Recently, my son has come to live here because HE had a seizure which led to a bunch of bad stuff....losing his apartment...staying with me for medical reasons.

THEN..I smoke this stupid joint today (INSTEAD OF DRINK) and everything comes crashing down on me and no one is home...the peace i thought I wanted is deadinging to me...AND at the same time..my brain is going to all bad places.  A drink would be really good right now.

I know that I post and try to help people and I try to share what has worked for me in the past. I am positing this "truth" about myself so no one thinks that being sober is too easy...its NOT (F-ing) easy at all...

I really do not need "help" or "replies" I really just wanted to vent and try to come down from this high. I understand WHY I turn to alcohol to cope.  I would love to escape this feeling right now..but I think it thru...I get better everyday with getting PAST the drink.

Things are not a whole bunch better..most things are worse..but I hold on to the fresh shower I am taking vs. being in whatever for days and days.  I appreciate I can go to the store and get a SALAD vs. alcohol...which will eventually ruin my night more and not only that but carry on possibly for days and end me back in the hospital or worse dead..and saying worse dead is REAL for me.  I've almost been there at least a solid 3 times out of the approx hospital stays of 15 times in the last 2 years.

So...my title was Chaos..I think I do better without the drink when I am active or involved in chaos...too much time on my hands is a very bad thing.

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  • Posted

    Seriously, the only advice I have for "Missy" right now and it worked for me just now..is BREATHE thru it...deep breaths and redirection curb cravings.

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  • Posted

    Do you know what you want from Life? Have you ever hought about what would be "ideal" and make you Happy?

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    • Posted

      just peace..but my anxiety problem doesn't allow that EVER.

      I had my ideal life and job before i quit and went on Disability.

      I can not work in that line of work and it doesn't behove me to work because the SSDI would be more lucrative for me....

      So, I am in the process of figuring out my new normal and this is the big reason why I am struggling so much MORE with anxiety.

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  • Posted

    So sorry that things are not good for you right now. I have done similar things to you to be honest. Substituting one thing for the other... Basically i think you have to remember and keep reminding yourself that YOU are worth more and that drink is not the answer, we both know it isnt and that you will feel worse tm.Does your boyfriend smoke pot as well? Maybe thats effecting your relationship? Pot does alter the brain too especially if its very strong.

    Just try to be there for your son as much as you can as i know must love him loads... but dont be too hard on yourself. You should tell people on this site how your feeling... its really helped me over the last few days. Yes i know its hard right now for you (things are still not anywhere near there for me either) but there has to be hope for all of us. If you can find the energy go walking, a jog something that improves the mind in a good way. Have you any friends you can talk to for support?

    Keep in touch and dont ever be afraid to say how you feel xx

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  • Posted

    Also maybe if you focused on something else, maybe working from home? There are lots of ways to work from home online right now... it might allow you to focus on something completely different apart from all the things that maybe just are not right at the minute. Just another wee thought x
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    • Posted

      Hi sharon..I have thought of working from home but because my disability benefits were just approved..I find it to be conterproductive to everything I have worked for (getting approved for disability).

      And I don't know if I would be succesful..and all the online sites I am interested in doing work from home are legit because they ask for you to fill out tax forms which means they report the income they pay you to the IRS...and therefore Social Security (my disability) would get record of the earnings...showing them I AM working when I say I can't.

      I will think about this further in the future but it is not something I can d o right now.

      The pot..no my boyfriend does not smoke pot..he smokes crack/cocaine. I wanted to try the pot as I feel it is the lesser of all drugs especially alcohol for me. I do think sometimes smoking pot makes my day worse...like yesterday and sometimes it makes it better like the day before...I never know until I smoke...and YES>..its absolutely an escape mechanisim that i should work toward avoiding.

      When the weather breaks...I am hoping to take walks and possibly illiminate the pot too...maybe even cigs!

      Thank you and I'm glad I was able to help you or anyone else that reads here..it helps me to help people and myself.

      Congratulations on your 3 days...keep going....things have to feel better than they did 3 days ago?

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    • Posted

      Misssy you won't like me saying this, but please don't swop one addiction for another, you'll end up with two. I know cannabis is supposed to not be addictive, but it alters your mind. I'm not surprised you use substances living with a crack addict

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    • Posted

      Misssy, I do apologise for my post, it's not my place to comment on your boyfriend. I copy and paste everything on this forum and that post was my initial response. Reading it again made me write another one, but i posted the wrong one. It's not my business if you choose to smoke pot. Many apologies

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    • Posted

      I have to be honest with you and say that your situation must me massively difficult trying to stay sober with some one who smokes what you said he does. From your point of view the unless someone is smoking a large quantity of joints (as in cannabis) in the day it is not going to be the end of the world in my opinion. Yes its prob better to not do it but its still more natural that what alcohol is.  You sound like you only maybe smoke a few a day or less and beat yourself up too much about it. However if you really believe in yourself that it is not making you feel good then its prob better to give it a miss as much as you can. Your boyfriend however does sound like he very much has his own set of problems which he needs to deal with, which therefore is making it very, very hard fot you to deal with your own. From the sounds of what you have said to me and to yourself i am sure you know this. It is not for any of us here to judge at all i am sure he has his own set of reasons for doing this also... Is there no way that you could suggest that you and him could maybe have a break from each other? This way it doesnt sound so permenant from yours or his point of view and will give you both a breather. Maybe im pointing out the obvious so sorry if i am. I dont know if you honestly do want to break up with him for good as i know in myself that there are times when we all know its better to walk away but something keeps us there....We both know that drink and drugs change people and honestly your OWN recovery must be your first priority.I know that you were venting so to speak but i just felt i had to say a few words to you for support if anything

      It must be so hard for you right now and i really feel for you. I hope your son is getting better too.

      Honestly thanks also for your support.

      Considering the place i was in mentally last week (one of the absolute lowest times in my life and trust me there have been many over the last few years). I thought about my life and who i am as a person in so many ways throughout this last few years and still i always found it comes back to drinking or being obsessed with something like not eating. It has not been easy but some how i am managing to battle through the tough thoughts in my head. I am genuinely amazed that i am even writing this to you. In some ways i feel worried that it is all going to come crashing down on me again.I literally am taking it day or hour by hour at a time. I am no where near there at all and i have a lot of work to do with my family if things are ever going to be better than this, although we are in a better place now than what it has been. Wanted to drink this afternoon but didnt. 

      Please take any help that you can...you sound like a lovely person who deserves so much more from life. Even if you try to do one thing a day that makes you feel good, no matter how small it is. My thoughts are with you xxx

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  • Posted

    Missy2,

    We all want to go back to who we once were before XYZ... it's a part of grieving who and what the good part of who we used to be. Under circumstances out of our control  our lives have changed physically, emotionally and financially. 

    You have a great way of expressing yourself understanding the past and realizing that "today" means it will always bring more of life's challenges. You have been thru all the "YETS" that's done and over. Your honesty with yourself & your truths that you have shared with so many here and your acceptance of your limitations helped us all & we all have kept  you in a our thoughts, hearts and prayers.

    You intellengence and problem solving has always impressed me and I follow your posts every day. You have a lot to offer so many on this forum. So when you need a little extra help you have many who love you here when you need help!

    It's not always easy to do what you do every day your struggles and challenges has been an inspiration to so many. Theres no better way to spend your days than knowing how hard you fought for your sobriety and will not give it up under any circumstances. Not for any one or anything ! Be strong and keep both feet in today! 

    I wish too that I could go back to things I loved in my life and things with my family  I used to love to do. Everyday is an adjustment for me with many personal health issues . I can hardly walk some days as my health is failing. You are young and have regained your health a opportunity many never get to have a second chance in life. Never take what you have accomplished for granted.

    I am sorry to hear that your son is sick that is very hard to cope with. I really get that more than you imagine! Our children are our hearts and souls. I understand how much your family means to you and how hard you have stayed in a place where your family can trust you again. You have come a long way. I am so proud of you! 

    Have you thought about getting a restraining order to remove your boyfriend. It seems that he is a persistant stress in your life and you need to eliminate as much stress as possible. 

    The pot pot thing is that really helping or another way to sweep feelings under the rug! Stay with counseling get back into group or whatever works if scooping out the barn works get the adrenaline going hey whatever works. Get out and run / walk blame this on cabin fever.  This winter has been excruciatingly cold & rainy.

    You  mentioned coloring months ago get back into concentrating on creativity! Paint a few rooms in your home or wallpaper. Distraction and creativity really works! 

    Hey I'll fly you out here and you can help me redecorate! LOL

    Most of all keep your sense of humor and remember you are dearly loved by many!

    HOPE4CURE 

     

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    • Posted

      Hi hope4cure..your post made me cry..in a good way..Thank you for all your loving support and care. I totally have lack of expression at this moment as I think about all the things that seem monumental to me today.

      I have seen in the last couple days my b/f making an effort to move on. He is meeting someone today to discuss renting a room.  I'm in shock that he is moving forward with this. I just hope he continues to do so...

      I will be honest and say...this is all part of a bigger plan in my head right now. My son that is staying here hates his guts...and my son does not want me to drink for ANY reason. But, I can see ME saying to my son after my b/f leaves (if he actually does) that this is cause for celebration. I envision myself telling my son that I don't care if he gets p*ssed if I have some wine...that I am doing it!  OMG...

      Hope how is your son? I still hope for his recovery....just as I do for anyone that is suffering..but for you..I want this....as well as for him.

      I know it took a while to post what you posted to me...it touched me deeply this a.m....and I will cherish it all day...another thing to keep me sober today!

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    • Posted

      wtf! I don't know why my post would get moderated!

      It was long too...

      Hope...your message touched me deeply this morning...it made me cry.

      I will definetly cherish the message all day today (another tool to keep me from drinking today).

      My boyfriend seems to be moving forward with moving on. He is meeting someone today to talk about a room for rent. I'm just not sure if this is a smoke screen for him to get me to say "No, don't go". I did hear him on the phone and he did make sure I HEARD the conversation. Its exhausting.

      I will be honest and say there is a BIG pan in my head to have some wine when he leaves. My son is totally opposed to me drinking at all for any reason but he hates my boyfriends guts so much that I think if I said to him...I'm having wine as this is a good reason to celebrate...he would not say much...but that is a pipe dream on my part.

      When I see your name daily...since I have come back in the last couple of weeks I wonder about your struggles with your son. You can PM me if you want to talk about it...if you don't want to share here.

      I want so badly for YOU for him to get well sad...This post is much shorter..and I speak for whatever is in my brain at the time and it is hard for me to remember everything I said...I really thank you for the time you took to write that very long, very kind reply to me.

       

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