Posted , 8 users are following.
I sit here in panic.
I don't drink right now..so in the past couple of months I decided to smoke pot. And the past 2 years I have hated my living situation, I have hated that the boyfriend I loved is not the same, I have hated that I am not the same. I have asked him to leave multiple times thru the last 1.5 years.. . I had finally made up my mind the past week that he needs to find somewhere to go and I am having a nervous/anxiety breakdown.
Recently, my son has come to live here because HE had a seizure which led to a bunch of bad stuff....losing his apartment...staying with me for medical reasons.
THEN..I smoke this stupid joint today (INSTEAD OF DRINK) and everything comes crashing down on me and no one is home...the peace i thought I wanted is deadinging to me...AND at the same time..my brain is going to all bad places. A drink would be really good right now.
I know that I post and try to help people and I try to share what has worked for me in the past. I am positing this "truth" about myself so no one thinks that being sober is too easy...its NOT (F-ing) easy at all...
I really do not need "help" or "replies" I really just wanted to vent and try to come down from this high. I understand WHY I turn to alcohol to cope. I would love to escape this feeling right now..but I think it thru...I get better everyday with getting PAST the drink.
Things are not a whole bunch better..most things are worse..but I hold on to the fresh shower I am taking vs. being in whatever for days and days. I appreciate I can go to the store and get a SALAD vs. alcohol...which will eventually ruin my night more and not only that but carry on possibly for days and end me back in the hospital or worse dead..and saying worse dead is REAL for me. I've almost been there at least a solid 3 times out of the approx hospital stays of 15 times in the last 2 years.
So...my title was Chaos..I think I do better without the drink when I am active or involved in chaos...too much time on my hands is a very bad thing.
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