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Chaos

Posted , 8 users are following.

Misssy2
Misssy2

I sit here in panic.

I don't drink right now..so in the past couple of months I decided to smoke pot. And the past 2 years I have hated my living situation, I have hated that the boyfriend I loved is not the same, I have hated that I am not the same.  I have asked him to leave multiple times thru the last 1.5 years.. . I had finally made up my mind the past week that he needs to find somewhere to go and I am having a nervous/anxiety breakdown.

Recently, my son has come to live here because HE had a seizure which led to a bunch of bad stuff....losing his apartment...staying with me for medical reasons.

THEN..I smoke this stupid joint today (INSTEAD OF DRINK) and everything comes crashing down on me and no one is home...the peace i thought I wanted is deadinging to me...AND at the same time..my brain is going to all bad places.  A drink would be really good right now.

I know that I post and try to help people and I try to share what has worked for me in the past. I am positing this "truth" about myself so no one thinks that being sober is too easy...its NOT (F-ing) easy at all...

I really do not need "help" or "replies" I really just wanted to vent and try to come down from this high. I understand WHY I turn to alcohol to cope.  I would love to escape this feeling right now..but I think it thru...I get better everyday with getting PAST the drink.

Things are not a whole bunch better..most things are worse..but I hold on to the fresh shower I am taking vs. being in whatever for days and days.  I appreciate I can go to the store and get a SALAD vs. alcohol...which will eventually ruin my night more and not only that but carry on possibly for days and end me back in the hospital or worse dead..and saying worse dead is REAL for me.  I've almost been there at least a solid 3 times out of the approx hospital stays of 15 times in the last 2 years.

So...my title was Chaos..I think I do better without the drink when I am active or involved in chaos...too much time on my hands is a very bad thing.

3 likes, 21 replies

21 Replies

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  • hope4cure
    hope4cure Misssy2

    Posted

    No more Chaos in your life. I realize there's only so much one do to eliminate stresss. The blue book talks about AUD are children of chaos. That you have eliminated a lot of from your life. No need to blame yourself for wanting a better life with your son. He needs this too! 

    I truely hope the b/f moves out. The tension with he and your son must be unbearable. your son is with you, you see him every day a luxury I have not had for many years. Give himself hugs and encouragementi that you love him every day no matter what! He needs your support and it's a responsibility you need to have a full heart right now.  I wish I could just hug my son. I have not seen him in a long time and he is in the stages of very serious illness so beat up from alcohol. His body is giving out, as alcohol takes a toll on the body brain heart and soul. Thank you for asking about him  I appreciate your thoughtfulness. 

    He has been In and out of hospitals who don't give him the treatment he needs. The medical community still has the belief that AUD is his own doing his choice . They have every excuse in the book to put him back out on the streets. 

    Missy be strong stay busy keep what you need today in your heart and leave the rest for another day. One day at a time. It makes my heart cry to read of any celebration thoughts you have involving wine. Temptation is not a celebration  to be honest with you. The triggers are talking.

    Take today and make one person in you life a priority yourself first ! Then and only then can your son be who he needs to be thru his struggles . No more stress it creates cortisol in the brain causes depression and the beat goes on...

    Contine to do your best for your family who needs your strength and gives you their love and trust freely. Family is what is important our children own a piece of our heart and soul forever! 

    Have a great day and make it all about being productive, busy and smile  thru it all, 

    studies have shown if you smile it makes us feel better and music can chase the blues away!

    Itwill all work out stay positive.

    HOPE4CURE

     

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 hope4cure

      Posted

      And the news about your son breaks my heart..I want so bad for him to get better...he sounds TOO much like me...Does he have anything in his life that could possibly reel him in? Like you have him and I have my son and niece? 

      You have been such a great support for me and many others...so I know that you have tried your very hardest with your son. My heart breaks for you..and I know his heart breaks for you too...when we drink...it just looks like we don't care...we really do....care hope...he loves you very much..how could he not....

      Love unfortunately doesn't help "us" get better....I'm saying a special prayer for him tonight...and of course for you...I'm always deeply touched by your words and your heartbreak.

  • gwen45436
    gwen45436 Misssy2

    Posted

    Hi my lovely, what brutal honesty you speak.  I can give you absolutely no advice. Never experienced the smokes but even if I had, I would not comment.  The power for relaxation and escape is strong.  You give out the very best of advice on here and are a valued member of the fam.  We are always around to hear your honesty and to take your valuable advice always.

    Love ya girl.

    G. xx

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 gwen45436

      Posted

      hi gwen...I keep forgeting I posted this...thank you for your comments...smile as always YOU are so kind to me and I love you.

      I feel like dog sh*t today...I am pale..I have a headache..my stomach is twisted..very similar to a hangover and I haven't touched a drop.

    • gwen45436
      gwen45436 Misssy2

      Posted

      Well so do I today - my tolerance for my wine weekends is lowering obvs.

      But hey ho I did sleep. 

      What a crap place life is when an addiction takes over - I would rather get addicted to chocolate and get fat.  Or just pig out on jam doughuts until my sugar levels burst out through my ears and I get high as a blooming kite.

      All I can say is, we are in it sister - and we still we keep fighting.

      Keep strong hunni bunni..................G xxxxx

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