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Am nearly at the end of the road........

Posted , 8 users are following.

InDespair
InDespair

I have suffered with depression for over 15 years now. I have gone through the periods of being in a better place and being back in the room with my black dog. Until, around April 2017 I guess it became familiar to me and I had fight in me to keep coming back. But since then the fight has all but left me.

Each day all  I read about is the impending wars with Syria, or North Korea or Iran and the stories that go with them pointing to World War 3. Then you have all the predicitons from the bible, the mystics etc etc. Then with my own eyes I can see the precarious state the world is presently in and cannot see how it cannot end in War. 

Quite literally all of this has knocked the last bit of fight out of me as I can see no reason why I should fight the depression cause its all going to end anyway. If I had the courage I would end it myself, right now. But I keep thinking of what it would do to my better half and parents, THAT is the ONLY reason am still here. But even that thought is wearing thin, cause I know my moods are making them unhappy and has nearly caused a break up with my other half, who I love with all my heart. So now am now on the scale of "not wanting to hurt them by committing suicide" VS "they are better off without me so do it".

Am so incapacitated with the War thing I cannot think straight. I sometimes wish it would happen and get it over with. But then again I also wish I got some terminal disease that would satisfy the argument in my head about suicide.

I look at people around me who are reading and watching the same news as I do yet nobody else seems to be worried about it. That too makes me wonder if I am losing it totally, being over dramatic or whatever.

In way of example of how much I believe the war is coming and that it will happen before the end of this month or beginning of next month am supposed to be going away to play in a competition for a club I belong to. There is nobody else to go, so despite the fact I dont want to play I dont want to not go as it would let everyone else down and make there trip pointless. Anyway, its taking place in the last 12 days of September and so I dont want to go just in case war does break out whilst am away. If it did I know I would never get back home and be with my other half. I want to be with her when everything kicks off, I want to die with her.

That in itself also makes me want to take the suicide route cause it would answer the problem.

I know this will all sound mixed up, confusing and maybe even contradictory.... It wouldnt surprise me cause I know in myself that it is all of those things, but that just makes it all worse cause I can make no sense of it really either.

In all my years of suffering from depression, I have never written on a group thing like this. As I am typing it I dont even know why I am, as I believe it is pointless. BUt writing it I am, I think its maybe a case of trying one last thing..... TO put it out there and see if anything happens. I dont know.

who knows...... The world is such a nasty place just now ruled by people who just want to destroy us all OR have no care about doing so.

I feel sooooooooooo sad and sooooooooooo down, I just wish I could think straight enough to get the courage to end all of these thoughts and worries for good.

3 likes, 20 replies

20 Replies

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  • brenda69464
    brenda69464 InDespair

    Posted

    Please, don't despair.

    You are not alone.

    I too went through the same feelings you are experiencing now.

    I found some age old words to give me comfort.......God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , Courage to change the things I can , and the wisdom to know the difference.

    I would repeat these words to myself slowly and think about them many times throughout the day. It helped me.

    I also stopped following the news for a period of time as I knew that it would trigger my negative thinking.

    Please know you are never alone . You are a very compassionate and caring person.

    Take care of YOU, so you can take of those who love you.

    God bless

    • InDespair
      InDespair brenda69464

      Posted

      Brenda69464,

      Thanks for your reply. I have heard those words before BUT until I read them again in your reply AND really thought about them AND been in the situation I am now I have never seen the true, deep wisdom in them. I will print them off and read them every day and do as you suggest. 

      Thanks

      Take care

       

  • abby80210
    abby80210 InDespair

    Posted

    Hi there"" 

    How do i tell you that you are special and you are better than you think right now. 

    Please love yourself, keep working to heal your pain from within yourself. 

    You are the most important person that you know......be kind to you!

    It will take time, however one day by loving yourself you will find peace and strength to share that love .

    It worked for me..

    Maybe you might like to try*

    In your own time, baby steps....

    Dimiss the outside influences that don’t serve you well,  

    If we are all alone" we are in it together.......so are we ever alone

    • InDespair
      InDespair abby80210

      Posted

      Thanks for your reply.

      Because of your reply and that of all the others I see some reason to try for another day. Maybe that day will bring me another day to try for.

      ​Thanks

  • wayne1962
    wayne1962 InDespair

    Posted

    Hi InDespair - if you look at human history, there has always been conflict, scare-mongering, predictions of armageddon. There have always been war nations, religious conflict, despots and governments who confect fear and bogey-men in order to control the masses. It's one of the tools of psychopaths - make the people scared, devise an enemy, divide and conquer, and while all that's going on, benefit from the chaos. This world will always have these issues. The only power we have is to create our own world with work and family, create our own dreams and goals, and do these things realising we only have power over how we achieve that and how we react to the endless contradiction around us. This is world of duality - we will always have the negative because without it, we wouldn't have the positive.

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