Coping with my partners depression-any advice?

Hi Adldiane,

Many thanks for your reply (and thank you for the lovely compliment on my name!) 

I think I say it’s understandable why he uses alcohol as a crutch as he’s going through a lot of pain and I can understand (not necessarily agree) why he sees alcohol as his friend. I guess I’m his whipping post as I tell myself he’s ill and struggling with life and I cannot just desert him when he needs me the most if that makes sense?  I keep making the mistake of believing him when he tells me he’s sorry about his behaviour,he really cares about me and will try and get better. I should tell myself even if he does truly believe those things the fact is that in reality he is unable to see thru on those things he tells me even though I have a tiny bit of hope that he will and depression won’t drag him further and further away .

Hey Grace which one of his behaviors tells you that he cares for you? Grace I'm not trying to be mean or to hurt you I think he's beating you down enough it just hurts my heart to see you allow this grown man to hurt you over and over again in the name of anxiety and depression. I suffer from those too but I have to hold myself accountable for my actions. I love the people in my life they aren't responsible because I have issues. I am! Diane

Hi Diane, I’m really not sure which of his behaviours shows me he cares for me maybe I’m kidding myself that he does care? He apologised at Christmas said he knows he doesn’t show it but he does care a lot about me and he’s sorry he’s like he is. I think I just find it heartbreaking to think that all the lovely caring things he used to do/say before his depression got bad might of all been a lie. I think I find his behaviour so upsetting as I suffer from depression and anxiety I am on meds and have counselling yet I still manage to be there for him and try to help in any way I can yet I just don’t seem to be good enough for him anymore. It just feels like he hates me and I don’t understand what I’ve done so wrong,

Hi Grace,

It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place. 

It is so difficult to know what to do. If he will get better? 

I've been in a similar situation with coping with being with my boyfriend with OCD, anxiety, being an alcoholic etc. He apologises and says it's going to get better but things are up and down all the time and it's been 3 years. 

It's been very tough. 

I feel like I've wasted a lot of time feeling upset about it all. 

I still can't say for sure if he is going to get back to his old self. 

I guess it depends if you can see an end to things. It's so hard as you love them but it does drag you down. 

Shutting you out is probably his way of not wanting to deal with things. Not that that's an excuse.

I hope you resolve the issue soon. I really do. 

Grace & Beck All I can say is if your both unhappy it’s time for a change. If the roles where  reversed would they be there for you. Men can be very selfish. It’s not you’s it’s them. And your both strong women putting up with s**t you don’t have to take from a boyfriend!!!!  I’m And old soul hear who’s been married for 40 yrs.  I’ve been with an  alcoholic , OCD, with  Etchberger‘s disease ! It’s not been a picnic. He drink. Case a beer a night for 40 years! It finally took his hips. Only now since his total hip replacements does he not drink. He’s paying the price for that now. And I’ve told him many times I’m better for him then he ever was for me! Now we’ve started a new life together, but I don’t want to see either of you go though what I’ve been through. And only because it’s 40 years you can’t get back. There are great focus groups for this, but you have to find your happiness. Forget changing them. Change you even if it means  separation , life is too short. Find that happiness even if it means being alone. Good luck to both of you. I’m praying for your happiness.

Hi Becki

Thank you so much for your message, could I ask you if your bf ever shuts you out like not speaking,not getting in touch etc?  I know a few people who shut their loved ones out during a bad spell and am just curious to know if ur bf does that. Do you have any coping strategies?

Sorry for all the questions, I’m just trying to get a better understanding. 

Hi Yuki, thanks for the advice. 

I know I definitely wouldn't be able to cope with it for 40 years. I already feel like I've wasted 3 years of my life. 

It's hard as he wasn't like this before. 

I've told him that going on like this is silly. 

Thanks for your kind words  

Hi Grace, 

He doesn't anymore. He did used to but that was when he had had a lot to drink and his head was very messed up and often he was either down the pub trying to drown his sorrows or occasionally running away and wanting to commit suicide. 

He never shut me out and let other people he knew in, but those people all knew what was going on. 

I think to completely shut you out and act like it's all ok when he speaks to you next is wrong, but I think it could be his way of "coping" by not having to face the truth.

One thing that has come out of our group therapy is the question- Is he spending his time worrying and trying to fix other people's lives so that he doesn't have to face his own problems? Often, facing your own problems is more scary. 

I'm not sure, but this may also apply with your boyfriend? 

My coping strategy was to try and be by his side and pull him out of the mess he was in.

Now, I prefer to just not speak or hear from him until I think that he's trying to make his life better. I'm not living with him now. I own a house with him, I also put all my savings into it and he didn't put any, so it is harder to leave him. 

Have you looked into doing a counciling session with you and him to see if it helps? You can talk about your feelings in a controlled environment and it's interesting what the counsillor/s say. 

You can ask away if you want more answers if it helps. 

I'm not sure I'll give the best answers as if I'd known what I did now, I would have left at the start and I'm not saying that how I deal with things are the best either! 

Kind wishes. 

Grace you have not laid down emotional boundaries with this man and he knows he can say and do anything to you and you will still be there.  This is what you have done wrong though with the best of intentions.  He doesn't value you as he should and is treating you as a mug.  The more you try the more he will treat you with such a lack of care and respect.

I think you need to be 'unavailable' when he is needy and let him know that you are not going to be his  whipping boy  any longer.  It's not easy but he has to learn some respect for you.  x

Hi Becki, Grace I married my husband when I was very young,I was only21. Boy did we fight. But very early in our marriage I told him 4 things would make me leave, if he cheated on me, hit me, lied to me ,and didn’t go to work, I’d walk out! And to make matters worse, he’s not great at  communicating his feelings . That’s when I sought out a marriage  counselor , who was great. We went for years . Now I could never make him stop drinking, but I put down  boundaries when he could drink and where he could drink . That was the best I was going to get. He got into a car accident drunk, he passed out, so they didn’t do blood work. I remember going to the hospital with my mother in law, the advice she gave me saved me from walking out that night. She said he made a mistake, make him pay the rest of his life. And I did. That’s where the where he could drink was  established . If he was going to drink, it would be at home, not driving anywhere. Get your case of beer at the store, and drink at home. And even if he had a hangover too bad go to work! I can’t tell you in life what we’ve missed, the parties, picnics, family gatherings, but I knew someday he’d give it up. Also if I wanted to do something and he didn’t, or go on a vacation and he didn’t, I’d go without him. I made my own life without him. I never missed out on anything, I’d always ask you want to come, and if he didn’t, or we’ll. After many years of fighting and  communicating , we did learn to become best friends. And that’s what you want, but you must ask yourself how long do you want to work at it? I used to say to my hubby all the time it takes 2 in a marriage and I’m the only one working at it. Looking back at what I know now , honestly I would not go though it again. But I do  cherish what I have now, but your both young, I’m 60 now, and I’m looking forward to retirement, and of course my doctors as my hubby health is not good, but he did that to himself. I’m going on living, and not looking back. I found my inter peace, and I’m happy with me. This last year in half, and 2 back to back hip replacements for him has proved to me that I don’t need him. As I said I’m very strong, I had to be. So to both of you, look down that road, where do you want to be, and are you happy? Are these  relationships worth it? Or should you cut and run. Nobody hear can answer that but you both.  Keep fighting for your happiness. And don’t ever think it’s you. 

Amen Yuki!! What an awesome lady you are! Diane. 

Diane thanks, it took 20yrs , but now I’m in at 40, so watch out. P/s when someone you know is hurting don’t let them take you with them. Don’t loose you! 

Wow Yuki, you’ve been through a lot. It is good hearing from your perspective how things are in the long run. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that you can’t mske people want to help themselves. 

I’ve told him that if he isn’t helping himself then he can’t expect me to stay with him. 

He’s not going into work regularly, he’s missing appointments, he keeps on going up and down with his drink and yes I don’t go out with him much at all as he always says he’s feeling ill. 

Thank you for your advice Yuki.

I’m glad that you have at least found peace with things.

Hi Becki your welcome.  Wise words from my late mother, take to your heart , NEVER DEPEND ON A MAN! Have your own savings account, and never quit your job, always have an exit plan just in case it doesn’t work out. And take control of the finances, know where the paper trail is., that why no surprises.  It’s the real world out there ladies. Take it from an older woman. 

You really sound like you’ve been to hell and back, but if you truly love someone I guess that’s what you’ll do for them. And you must truly love your husband. I’m just so torn he’s still refusing to speak to me, I messaged him today (as he won’t answer my calls) basically asking if he wants us to split up as he obviously hates me but we do need to talk so I can arrange to collect my belongings from his place plus he needs to start paying me some money back I’ve leant him-I’m aware I may never see that cash again though. He still hasn’t had the basic respect to reply I imagine he’s thinking best keep me hanging a bit longer incase he needs a favour or more cash etc etc. You know the saddest part is I’d be made up if he contacted me even if it was to use me-and I hate myself for feeling that way!

Hi hypercat. Thank you for replying- I totally agree with everything you said, he’s treating me like a mug as I allow him to do so! I’m very aware of that but so far I’ve allowed him to hurt me emotionally and always jumped to his every need and request regardless of my own feelings. I’m going to leave him now no more texts or calls-just wait for him to contact me and I may just be busy! 

Grace what your going through is, Typical of abuse. It’s time to find happiness.  Remember it was never you, so get that out of your head now. Men can be brutal when it comes to our feelings. Look it took me 40yrs and 2 total hip replacements for him to wake up and smell the roses. And I’ll give some advice, it’s free. Find your happiness, be it alone, or with someone, work on you. It took me years of hard work to get it into his head , that I’m a great catch. And he knows that now. I never depended on him. I work, take care of the house, pay the bills, cut the grass go food shopping, and make it a point to know where everything is. My mother raised me that way. She preached it to me, never ever depend on a man, if you do shame on you. You see when you need them there not there for you. I had 4 surgery’s, he was always drunk, and went to work, never did he help me when I needed it. So payback is s b***h. He just had 2 back to back total hip replacements, you think I sat home, oh hell no, he should have went to physical therapy, but didn’t, now he’s the one paying, because he’s not getting around like he should. Oh well. And I didn’t baby him. You want something, get it yourself, you need to walk. It sounds harsh but hey, he set himself for it. I gave him the same thing he gave me. I love him dearly but when it come to letting him treat me like a door mat, oh hell no. Not once did he say thank you.. but like I said I won’t give up my job, I love what I do, and it keep me sane.  Be that person you always wanted to be. Find your happiness, it well worth it and when the next guy comes along have fun. Remember your not his door mat!  Keep us posted. I know you can do it!!!!

Grace when you were growing up did your mother or father block you out like your bf does? My mother did if I did something that she didn't like she could walk around me for days or weeks like I was invisible or a piece of furniture until I would go crawling on my hands and knees and beg forgiveness even though I had done nothing wrong or as a child how bad could I have been? I worked through all that in therapy. So I did not have to go out and pick people or a husband that would treat me like that over and over again. 

I was just thinking the same Diane!  Yuki I salute you Bev xx

Hi Yuki, today is the first day I have not woken up hoping he has text me,hoping he’s okay and I’ve woke with a new determination not to contact him. I know it’s not much of an achievement in the grand scheme of things but it feels great! I think the hardest thing will be trying to resist the need to try contact him later on but I’m going to try to distract my mind if it does start to fill with thoughts of him! 

I am truly amazed at your strength though-after everything you have been through you sound so incredibly positive and basically bulletproof! Does your husband ever have periods of reflection when he admits to how bad things got? 

Hi Diane, my Mum never blocked me out when I was a child although she was an alcoholic and I spent many years adopting the parent role during my childhood-cooking,cleaning and caring for my young brother. My ex partner would shut me out often-silent treatment only broken by him to shout at me about how useless/ugly etc I was and how I never made him happy. I’m wondering if those things have made me how I am in the relationship I’m in now?

It is a great achievement Grace. Every little thing adds up and it is a great start to trying to put things right in your life.

If you can, you could go and see friends or go and do something for the day, take your mind off of things and have a bit of fun. 

Hi becki 

Thank you for the positive encouragement, that’s exactly what I’m doing later I’m going for tea with a few friends so looking forward to that. I’m hoping my mind will be distracted! How are things with you?

Hi Grace,

I’m glad you are feeling more possitive and trying to get on and enjoy you life. 

I’ve told my boyfriend that he needs to stop drinking, take every bit of help he can get, do things to make himself better and stop moping about it, or I will have no choice but to leave him and get on with my life. 

I’ve got to the point where I know that if he doesn’t change his mind set on life now then I’ve had enough of waiting for what once was. I think that’s a positive thing? 

Hi Becki

I think that your mindset is definitely a positive thing, well done 👌😃 the most difficult part now is sticking with that decision and not allowing your heart to rule your head which I know is so much easier said than done. Do you live with your bf? 

Thanks Grace. 

Yes it is definitely easier said than done. 

We own a house together but I’ve been staying with my parents a few mo this now. 

Hey Becki, are you in daily contact with your bf? I can only imagine how gutted you are about living apart from him, although I appreciate the need to put some space between you both.  

Yea I do talk to him daily via text or phone. I do see him a few times a week usually but at the moment I am trying to keep more distance so he can see that what I’ve said, I actually mean. He can say all the right things but I needs to see him do them. 

Are you staying with your family or at your own place? I find that having people around me distracts me, which is good.

Hi Grace,  we’ll looking  back on all our years, there was I time a did pick up and leave with our son for about a year. I didn’t come back until we sought marriage counseling. He agreed to go and we did this for 2 years.  But what I learned was I couldn’t change him. I had to change me. When I realized that , I was ok. I couldn’t chase his demons away, he had to do it.  Was it easy, no it was hell. But he was a good father and I kept thinking, don’t punish our son. So  I stayed.  Now once I established the drinking, and going to work everyday things just kind of fell into place. Like I said, I never set myself up for disappointments, if I wanted to do something I did it. He stayed home, and I had fun. Now he’s much older now as I’m. There are just some things I’m not willing to put up with, and he knows that now. He also  recognizes my strengths .  He’s knows he put me though he’ll when he had his total hip replacements.  Try working 10 to12 hours a day, in  Brutal  110° heat , have to start your day at 500 am get him washed, breakfast, make his lunch, go to work, come home wash him again get dinner ready, maybe cut the grass, or pressure clean the house, clean gutters, go grocery shopping, pay the bills, make doctors appointments for recheck. This has been going on  since 2016, and I haven’t stopped. I run  when I get up till I go to bed. And doing it all myself. No help from his family.  He’s not one to say thank you. It’s not in him, but I’ve learned I don’t need him or any man. I learned how to use a pressure cleaner, law mower,  edger , how to clean air conditioner, paint, trim bushes. So it only made me stronger. Would I depend on him, oh hell no. I’d of went to rehab for my hip replacements. But he saw it as my duty’s a wife’s duty. And I lit into  him one day and told him I’m not  obligated  To kiss his ass. I layout what he’d better due to get healthy or when I retire he’s staying home while I go travel with my girlfriends. Yes I’ve been though hell and back. I wouldn’t have it any other way. When men screw up, it only makes us stronger, and wiser. But this is your boyfriend, your not married to him, there for expect nothing. If you go into as friends, and not depend on him your gonna find life gets a whole lot easier. And setting your  boundaries  Is nothing more then protecting yourself. Never set your up for disappointment.  I’m proud of you, let him  crawl . The ball is in your court. Work it girlfriend.  Let’s us know how it’s working out.  P/S go do something for yourselve , go shopping, get a  pedicure , or go have your nails done. Go  celebrate your new freedom !

Yuki you just rock!! Diane

Good for you Becki, you sound  like your getting it together. Like I said putting  boundaries down is nothing more then protecting yourself.  And remember you can’t change him or chase his demons away. He has to want to do it.  You need to go do something for yourself, like shop, or go get a pedicure, or go see a good movie. Don’t wait for him, go due for you. I never wait for my hubby, I went and did what I wanted. He sat home and drank. I missed nothing, if I want to do something, I go due it. I’ve also told him because you chose not to go to rehab or physical therapy, after your hip surgery live with your pain, I’m going and doing what I want. That was his choice not mine. You see he wants me to retire, oh hell no, to sit in a house and watch him in pain doing nothing about it, tough love baby.  Like I said still love him , but I’m not one to sit, when I get ready to retire, I’m going traveling, with or without him. Ok keep me posted, and go for it girlfriend the ball is in your court!!!! Make him pay!

Diane it took 40 years. Believe me when I tell you, I’ve become so strong after his total hip replacements , that nothing can surprise me. Everything I went though made me stronger! I’ve learned I don’t need a man. I proved it to myself. And for an old 60 year old, you can learn new tricks. Lol but take it from me I found my happiness with in. Every once in a while he try’s to bring me down, but I don’t let him. I’m a new woman, with a good job and good retirement. And trust me when I tell you, I laughed so hard cutting the grass for first time, and edger, pressure cleaner, you should have seen me after doing some of those thing for the first time. I laughed my ass off, I had more grass on me then I cut. Lol life is fun if you make fun. Love ya Diane 

I am so happy for you Yuki. Though my path has been different I too have found that inner peace. I left a 28 year marriage 22 years ago and never thought I could leave what a woman once told me "I would kill for your life!" I so wanted to tell her, you can have it it's  killing me. Guess she found out. I am strong Yuki and I am happy. Laughter is my middle name. I have strong boundaries but not rigid I have special people in my life and some of them now are on this site..like you Yuki. Diane 

Diane thank you for your kind words, you an Becki are my newest friends. And I enjoy reading about your life’s adventures. I don’t know if I’ve been helpful, but it good therapy for me, and some hear are so young, I don’t want to see them look back 20 , 30 years and say I wasted my time. I didn’t have this when I was young. Boy I could’ve used it. Lol anytime Diane and Becki I’m hearfor ya.

Hi Becki 

Just read your reply now it’s been approved,  you absolutely hit the nail on the head by saying that he busies himself with other people’s problems so he doesn’t have to confront/deal with his own. Although when it came to my problems he clearly couldn’t deal with them he told me they were too close to home! I think your answers and advice you are giving me is great-it’s just good to talk to someone who’s still going through this hell. I had thought about suggesting going to councilling together but not sure how he’d react to that one. He’s still ignoring me so I’m still completely in the dark about things 😢 how are things with you?

Hi Yuki,

You are really strong to go out there and do things for yourself. I think that part of the problem is that I really want a guy I can share my life with. 

Hi Grace, 

It sounds like he’s in a tough head space but completely shutting you out and not helping you when you wanted it isn’t being supportive to you. 

I think that maybe the way I would go about things is to let him come to me. When he does, tell him that you want to be with him but he needs to get help and at some point in the near future you need to go to counciling with him to learn how to support and communicate with each other in a positive way. That way, you are not blaming him. Also, you will see if he does value you in his life? 

It’s up to you but I have given my boyfriend space now and told him that he needs to get every bit of help he can as I can’t keep on like this. I realise that I may have to end things if he doesn’t, but at the same time I don’t want to be with someone like that. I had depression and I stayed in bed for a week and then I got help and realised that I wanted more for myself! I made myself go out, stopped myself from feeling sorry for myself. It wasn’t easy, but I feel like there is more to life than unhappiness. I’m not going to let myself feel unhappy for much longer because of him.

It took me a while to figure this out. 

My nurse told me that to have a good happy relationship, you both need to give as much as each other. I guess that makes sense? 

You do deserve someone who puts as much time, effort and love as you do into a relationship Grace. 

Hey Becki hows things? X

Hi Grace,

That’s sweet of you to ask.

I’m not sure that I can ever be as happy with him as what I was at the start. I think there will be a lot of trust issues and thinking it may happen again. I’m not sure that he is the one for me. He gets me and loves me but I just want to have a nice life after 3 years of rubbish. 

He says he’s going to get as much help as possible now, but after all this time I don’t believe him. 

I feel happier after not seeing him for around a week now because there’s no hassle in my life. 

How’s things going for you?