Coping with my partners depression-any advice?

Adldiane, you nailed it. They are being sucked in, and  smothered , with that bull crap, they need to find happiness, and it’s not with who they are with right now. A boyfriend doesn’t make you cry, or feel worthless. If your not happy time for a big change! 

Hi Yuki I 100% agree! It feels like you're in quick sand and you're never going to get out I think. But they are so young and precious with their whole lives ahead of them and there are men that will cherish them. But first you have to find yourself get comfortable within you and then that right relationship will come along. Diane 

I keep thinking I must of done something wrong for him to be so unkind to me, although I realise in reality I most likely have done nothing wrong it’s just him feeling as though I have. I just feel like he expects  me to walk out on him like others have in the past.

Maybe I’m just not what he thinks he needs right now or maybe he’s just going through one of his dark periods,he is totally ignoring me still so I cannot even speak to him about things.

You haven’t done anything wrong Grace. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. He probably just thinks you’ll be there when he does need you. Which is nice for him, but not for you.

And sorry, I have written a reply to your previous questions to me Grace. It is waiting to be moderated. 

Ok thanks becki no probs 👍

May I ask if that’s what your bf does to you aswell? X

No, he doesn’t block me out.

He used to and I used to try and contact him (this was when he was drunk and I knew he was probably in trouble). I drove round the pubs and caught him out lying as he’d tell me he was at our house. 

I now just ignore him when he’s drunk as I know things can’t be fixed when he’s in that state and it upsets me. That’s made him want to contact me more! 

Things have got so much better, but not good enough. 

Grace stop worrying about him and his wants and needs.  Think about your own.  x

Carmela and remember it’s not you. Men always turn it around to make us feel guilty. What I say is BS. Work on you, if he wants to get better, he will. Don’t be a door mat for him. Life is way too short. Back off, and find you. Then let him come to you, if you see no changes, slowly back out of it till he gets it’s together! Like I’ve said before, you can’t change them. Change you. Don’t let them ruin your life, go out and live it! Yuki50 

Yes the kids mother gives him a really hard time-she doesn’t collect the kids when she’s meant to, goes missing for days on end etc.  He definitely needs to start on some antidepressants ASAP he’s still seeing his councillor regularly but I agree he needs more help. He’s under a massive amount of pressure and I have now taken a step back and not contacted him for 3 days now. He knows I’m there for him but I’ve realised (through talking to all you guys) that I have to take care of me now-I’ve spent the best part of a year spending all my energy on him and I’m exhausted. So now I’m focusing on me, he’ll speak to me when he’s ready I guess.

I’m trying to do exactly that Yuki-I’m looking after myself for once,I’m trying to distract my thoughts from being all about him and instead I’m focusing on me-what I need vs what I’m getting!

Hi carmela did you get my reply? I have just posted it but it seems to of disappeared 😩  

Grace, Awesome. I’m glad your seeing though all the BS. It’s time to take care of you. You can’t heal him , he’s got to want that himself. And I’ve said it a 1000 times, when The roles are turned around men leave, they say too much drama, and bail. Well guess what , there not your kids, and he’s making no effort to want a relationship. No more time be wasted on him. Put your self first. Which he should be doing is putting you first. Go out and have fun, and try new things. And if you have something planned and he calls, put him on the back burner. Make him crawl, your a great catch, believe me raising someone else’s kids, oh hell no. That man should be worshiping you. I’m proud of you. Keep up the good work. Remember to make you happy. Your new life has started go live it!

Thank you for your reply Yuki, I got a bit emotional reading it!  Every day that I don’t hear from him the less I’m starting to care, if I matter that much to him he should of contacted me,just made a small effort to keep me in the loop. But if he wants to play it out like this then bring it on I’m going to go out with my friends,laugh and smile without a tear in sight because he obviously doesn’t appreciate a single thing I have done for him and I am worth so much more than that. It’s feels like my rose tinted glasses have fallen off and I’m seeing things for what they are for the first time. And when he does contact me he’s in for the shock of his life cos like you say Yuki I will not be rushing to his side I will not drop everything for him-even if I’m not busy I won’t let him know that-it’s about time he gets a wake up call from me: I’m not his doormat I’m a strong woman with so much to give and it’s his loss! 

Hi Grace,

I’m really glad that you are feeling more positive and have a good plan in place. 

Go you! 

Way to go Grace! Way to go! I am so happy for you. Diane. 

It’s I did receive your reply and thank you. You are doing the right thing by letting him come to you. Keep it up. Keep yourself happy? Take care of yourself first at all times.

Thank you so much Diane x

Hi Carmela 

I’ve done exactly that-it’s now time for some well overdue selfishness from me! How are you? X

Hey Becki 

Thank you for your lovely message-we have decided to split up and although I’m really hurting I know it’s for the best. How are you doing with your boyfriend? X

Thank you for all your support and advice Diane. How’s things with you? X

Hi Grace,

I’m really proud of you to make that decision and see the positives. 

I really hope that you find a nice guy that will treat you right and deserves you. 

I’m not really sure what’s going on at the moment. 

I’ve told him that he needs to get every bit of help possible for there to be any chance. I’ve been trying to keep my distance as much as possible in the mean time. X

Hiya Becki 

Thank you so much for your lovely message, I’m managing okay although I do miss him like hell but I’m mourning the ‘old’ him-tbh I barely recognise him as he is now. We’ve spoken a little about him repaying the money he owes me etc but the conversation quickly turned back into him-all the problems he’s been having etc etc so I kinda cut our text conversation short as I cannot cope with his self pity act anymore,I feel mean saying it but it’s true.

How’s your situation? Any progress? X

Hi Grace, 

I think that’s my problem, he used to be my perfect man! I just can’t get my head round how he can change into this person who thinks he needs drink to function but it makes everything worse for him-his ocd, anxiety, debt, not going to work. I just don’t understand!!!!

I have now told him he can choose to give up the drink or me and I’m not talking to him or seeing him for a while as we had an agreement that he wouldn’t drink when he was with me. He’s already broken this agreement at least once and I’ve hardly seen him! This weekend he asked if I wanted to go out with some friends in the morning (he never usually wants to go anywhere or gets up that early as he says he feels ill) I said yes, as long as he didn’t drink. He said he wouldn’t. I got ready and when I was ready to go he said he’d had a drink!!! So I didn’t go. He said well at least I told you!!! 

That’s not the point is it. 

So yea, not great. 

I feel like I want not ever find anyone who will accept me for me like he did. But I know that I don’t want this. 

I think it’s really good that you are/have been so strong. I really wish I could do the same!!!

Keep up the positivity x

Hey Becki

You can be strong you just have to dig deeper and find the strength/resilience that you never knew you had! I totally understand about you missing the ‘old’ him as that’s the man you fell in love with but it sounds like the new him isn’t going anywhere soon and you certainly sound heartbroken to me and only you can change that because he’s certainly not making the effort to change his lifestyle? I know if you guys did split they’d be loads to sort out like the house etc but you deserve happiness and I think you know that means finishing the relationship. Sending you lots of love Hun x

Hi Grace,

Thank you for your reply. 

I hope that you are feeling better now that a week or so has past. 

I still feel in limbo but I know that it’s going to come to an end either way. I’m keeping my distance and both me and his mum have told him that he’s got to be serious about getting the help he needs and try to get better or he will lose everything and will have to sell the house. 

We will see. But I know that this is not going to be my life and talking to you guys has helped me realise that. 

Thanks.