Craziness!

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I didn't drink for a month.

​I stopped because it was literally killing me.

​One time I had 8 years sober.  Started drinking again 2 years ago and it has been down hilll and hard to stop for any good length of time.

​I can blame so many things...but the bottom line is I don't COPE with stress.  The last week...my body has been in "fight or flight" mode with the anxiety level so high...that my heart races all day long and I feel like I'm in a constant panic attack.  I never started my antidepressents like I should have after a short period of not drinking (I usually take them a week after I stop drinking)...and WHEN I do that...I DO feel better.

​However, this past month being sober...I have had constant "bathroom" issues.  So the antidepressent bothers my stomach usually the first week. So, I put off taking it until the bathroom issues stopped. But they haven't stopped...even with an antibiotic.

​There are family and relationship problems going on that I can't handle...and yesterday I couldn't take the heart pounding feeling anymore and my anxiety medication was not helping me.

​SO...I decided to drink.  And drink I did...and DRANK alot.

While I was drinking...I was so relieved of all the pressure...the heart racing did not totally stop...because then I was upset and scared that I was drinking again...but after about drink 4..I was completely calm.

​I feel kind of awful today in 2 ways...in my mind...cause I am down on myself for drinking and physically ill...just a general ill feeling since i had 11 drinks total.

The craziness is...I know I will drink again today...even thou I SHOULDNT.

​This drinking IS going to kill me and I KNOW it.  I just can't deal with life...period and drinking takes me out of life for a time.

​I called people I shouldn't have called.  I said things I shouldn't have said...and I'm just disgusted...but the crazy thing is...I'm willing to do it AGAIN.  When I know it is going to lead me nowhere but feeling really ill.

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  • Posted

    I just wanted to say that I totally understand.  I don't have any words of wisdom, but I hope you find the answers you need, you have my total sympathy.

    Pat xxx

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    • Posted

      Thank you for reading my vent and understanding.

      ​I don't have any words of wisdom for myself either...and finding the answer? 

      ​I think I know the answers...like RHG said...I need to eliminate things in my life that I feel are making me get to the point where I want to drink myself to oblivion...the problem is...eliminating those things is causing me MUCH stress as well.

      ​Again, thanks Pat smile

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  • Posted

    There are two issues to alcohol dependency.

    One, the physical depedency and two psychological dependency.

    The first can be broken with a proper medical detox. The latter is somewhat harder to deal with. You have to learn coping mechanisms and also take yourself away from the issues that cause the problems.

    For me, it was shutting myself away from my friends for a year, because seeing them was always a social occasion and that meant a trip to the pub.

    The are certain ground rules you can put in place to help even if you relapse. Like never touching spirits (that's liquor to you), never drinking before lunch, or never drinking before 5:00pm and trying to normalise your drinking, as it then becomes much easier to come off of it.

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    • Posted

      Yes, my sick brain is telling me..just get in the shower and don't drink RIGHT NOW...its still morning here (1030)...and later you can drink.

      ​I hate it....once I put it in my body (last night)....it consumes every thought thereafter.  It was consuming quite a bit of my thoughts for the past month not drinking...but not the first thing in the morning like today.

      I woke up feeling like CRAP...and the first thing I thought was - don't drink NOW...drink later.

      ​When I woke up sober for the last month..my first thought was THANK GOD I didn't drink last night and I don't feel crappy.

      ​I'm starving too...I didn't eat after noon time yesterday...and its very improtant for my health that I eat something today...especailly if I am going to decide to drink again. 

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    • Posted

      Alcohol causes loss of appetite due to the fact that it has easy carbs and your body will grab those and use them first, before food. This is something that my doctor explained. So you have a double whammy, not only are you drinking, but you are not providing you body with the nutrients it needs.

      Make sure you take thiamine (b1) all the time, otherwise the alcohol and not eating will cause memory problems, which it not sorted, long term will be irreversible.

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    • Posted

      hi...unfortunately...I have never taken the B1 with all these 30 years of drinking and I do have memory loss...I am being asked to go to the hospital for a memory review on Jan 20th.  I will do that...Thx. RHGB
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    • Posted

      Thiamine (b1) is available without prescription in the UK, so I think it would be the same in the US, it is only a vitamine, but a very important one if drinking and not eating.

      When I was in hospital last year, in a separate room on the other side of the corridor from us, there was a woman in a room that had effectively gone mad. The four of us though she was a fruitloop, but having read up on alcoholism, I have learnt that there are a number of serious brain disorders that you can get from it. I don't mean sounding like an old soak, I mean serious mental issues.

      Don't wait for the doctor/hospital, get some thiamine and start taking it.

      Read it, read it all.

      http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/arh27-2/134-142.htm

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    • Posted

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    • Posted

      Hi RHGB, I hope you don't mind if I ask you a question, I don't want to deviate from the subject of this thread, but I am interested to know what your background knowlege is.  I can see that you are a reformed drinker, but I wondered if you had any medical training or something of the sort.  Just curious.

      Pat.

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  • Posted

    Hi babes try to go for antidepressant, am sure they can help have been there before.
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  • Posted

    Hi Missy,

    Don't give up!  I understand the anxiety and the desire to escape your problems.  Take the antidepressants instead of the booze.  You will cope much better, physically too.  You are on the right path despite your setbacks.  You know what you want.   Stick to it!  You're worth it!!!

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    • Posted

      Hi jacqueline..thank you for responding.  Alcoholism can be a lonely condition.  And it is refreshing to know that there are people that are responding and caring....Thanks again.
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  • Posted

    Hello Misssy

    I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough time of it . I really can empathise with your situation .Having high levels of anxiety can be the worst thing ever and stress with family and alsorts ontop can make life almost impossible. The strongest people would reach for something, anything!! to relieve those unbearable sensations and feelings !! Of course in our case, its the bottle. I know that feeling too well ......If we had a bad migrane for example, we would take pills wouldnt we and would be silly not to !! 

    I had a good week but last night drank too much and yet again woke up with feelings of guilt and self hatred.

    I feel better now but know that I will have a drink tonight also. I feel that if we can just accept this is not our fault and just simply do our best and know that we are not alone in our battle

    I really would recommend meditation everyday.

    You know you can get back on track as youve done it before . You CAN do it again and will Misssy. I'm definitely will you on that one and am trying my very best from this day on. 

    Stay strong and dont beat yourself up 

    Take good care xx  

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  • Posted

    Hi  Misssy. So sorry to hear that you're struggling. I totally identify with you and am a serial relapser!! It's so flipping hard when that's the way we deal with our stress for 25 plus years(me). I've gone 10 days but feel like a drink tonight. Will probably just get a bottle of red wine, rather than white which I drink like pop. See how I get on . No doubt will regret it tomorrow. Just miss that calm feeling too. 

    But you'll know when enough is enough and don't give up on giving up ever. Try to taper down tonight if you have to drink. 

    Good luck and best wishes to you ..pf xx

     

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    • Posted

      OMG..I replied to you and its not here.

      I would love to tell you don't drink if you have gone 10 days!  But I know that won't work (wouldn't work with me).

      I am eating today...which is very unusual after I start a binge.

      ​I went and bought stuff to make sausage and meatballs, sauce and sandwich torpedos.  I learned a secret on a CHEF website to put 1-2 cups of "real" parmassaen cheese in the sauce while cooking. 

      ​I didn't have the "real" cheese..so I used one cup of grated cheese in the plastic container.  It DID come out better.

      ​I feel better today than I did yesterday with that anxiety riddled mind and body...but I am hungover.

      I did buy more beer...sad...but I am trying to drink healthy...so I've had 3 bottles of water..and I just finished my sandwich.

      I'm sorry you feel like drinking too....vs...feeling like being sober. Sober is so much better for us!

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