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I didn't drink for a month.
I stopped because it was literally killing me.
One time I had 8 years sober. Started drinking again 2 years ago and it has been down hilll and hard to stop for any good length of time.
I can blame so many things...but the bottom line is I don't COPE with stress. The last week...my body has been in "fight or flight" mode with the anxiety level so high...that my heart races all day long and I feel like I'm in a constant panic attack. I never started my antidepressents like I should have after a short period of not drinking (I usually take them a week after I stop drinking)...and WHEN I do that...I DO feel better.
However, this past month being sober...I have had constant "bathroom" issues. So the antidepressent bothers my stomach usually the first week. So, I put off taking it until the bathroom issues stopped. But they haven't stopped...even with an antibiotic.
There are family and relationship problems going on that I can't handle...and yesterday I couldn't take the heart pounding feeling anymore and my anxiety medication was not helping me.
SO...I decided to drink. And drink I did...and DRANK alot.
While I was drinking...I was so relieved of all the pressure...the heart racing did not totally stop...because then I was upset and scared that I was drinking again...but after about drink 4..I was completely calm.
I feel kind of awful today in 2 ways...in my mind...cause I am down on myself for drinking and physically ill...just a general ill feeling since i had 11 drinks total.
The craziness is...I know I will drink again today...even thou I SHOULDNT.
This drinking IS going to kill me and I KNOW it. I just can't deal with life...period and drinking takes me out of life for a time.
I called people I shouldn't have called. I said things I shouldn't have said...and I'm just disgusted...but the crazy thing is...I'm willing to do it AGAIN. When I know it is going to lead me nowhere but feeling really ill.
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