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Craziness!

Posted , 10 users are following.

Misssy2
Misssy2

I didn't drink for a month.

​I stopped because it was literally killing me.

​One time I had 8 years sober.  Started drinking again 2 years ago and it has been down hilll and hard to stop for any good length of time.

​I can blame so many things...but the bottom line is I don't COPE with stress.  The last week...my body has been in "fight or flight" mode with the anxiety level so high...that my heart races all day long and I feel like I'm in a constant panic attack.  I never started my antidepressents like I should have after a short period of not drinking (I usually take them a week after I stop drinking)...and WHEN I do that...I DO feel better.

​However, this past month being sober...I have had constant "bathroom" issues.  So the antidepressent bothers my stomach usually the first week. So, I put off taking it until the bathroom issues stopped. But they haven't stopped...even with an antibiotic.

​There are family and relationship problems going on that I can't handle...and yesterday I couldn't take the heart pounding feeling anymore and my anxiety medication was not helping me.

​SO...I decided to drink.  And drink I did...and DRANK alot.

While I was drinking...I was so relieved of all the pressure...the heart racing did not totally stop...because then I was upset and scared that I was drinking again...but after about drink 4..I was completely calm.

​I feel kind of awful today in 2 ways...in my mind...cause I am down on myself for drinking and physically ill...just a general ill feeling since i had 11 drinks total.

The craziness is...I know I will drink again today...even thou I SHOULDNT.

​This drinking IS going to kill me and I KNOW it.  I just can't deal with life...period and drinking takes me out of life for a time.

​I called people I shouldn't have called.  I said things I shouldn't have said...and I'm just disgusted...but the crazy thing is...I'm willing to do it AGAIN.  When I know it is going to lead me nowhere but feeling really ill.

2 likes, 40 replies

40 Replies

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  • emma84640
    emma84640 Misssy2

    Posted

    Totally get what your going through. The inability to cope with life and then drinking to oblivion every time even though you know it never helps anything. And then feeling so low the next day you drink to take away the pain.

    I'd love to be like my friends. Enjoy one or two glasses and that's it. Me, I have a bottle and then race to get more.

    Addiction is a biatch lol x

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 emma84640

      Posted

      yea..emma..I was going to wait to go to the liquor store today..and of course it was the first stop instead of the last...I haven't drank it yet..I have to go to a store..and give my b/f a ride somewhere....and I wanted to eat...but my eyes are tired...I'm tired..and drinking later will ease those symptoms for tonight...but tommorow they probably will be AMPLIFIED.

      ​I SHOULD NOT drink today and then tommorow I would feel "better"...but that's not going to happen.

      ​I TOO am upset I can't just have a few.  My mother has ONE drink nightly...that is it....I wish!

    • emma84640
      emma84640 Misssy2

      Posted

      My mom never drank much til she had problems with my stepdad. Even now she drinks regular she doesn't pass out like I do. I drink and drink and feel fine then must pass out and not wake till morning.

      Each week I think, right you ain't having any til the weekend. A day off is a miracle 😢

    • jacqueline85124
      jacqueline85124 Misssy2

      Posted

      Hi again Missy,

      I've been reading this chain tonight;  Yes, it's Saturday evening, but you don't have to drink the bottle you bought!  I totally identify with your feelings;  I am also an alcoholic, but tonight I'm saying 'no'.  Everyday I think of a drink but I try to think of how much better I'll feel not having one.  I am so much more able to cope with my hardships, confrontations, loneliness, anger, etc;, without the booze.  I do often wish to shut it all off, but booze is not the answer anymore;  I hate the guilt and the shane that follows.  I've chosen tonight not to be that sorrowfull person full of self-loath. It's hard, but when you weigh out your choices, well... sorry if I sound like I'm preaching, that's not my intention.  I am truly supportive of eveyone on this forum.  It helps me to read your dilemmas and achievements as well. I just wanted to share te fact that this Saturday I'm not having a drink.  I hope you can manage to do the same or at least not do yourself any harm.

    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 jacqueline85124

      Posted

      If only we all had your strength and your will power.  I am sure I won't be the only one on this forum who envies you.

      We have much to gain from your posts, it gives us hope, knowing that someone has beat the demon.

      Pat

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 emma84640

      Posted

      I LOVE that..A DAY OFF IS A MIRACLE...so true!

       

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 Paper_fairy

      Posted

      Your so right paper....people that accept us and understand ROCK
    • jacqueline85124
      jacqueline85124 patricia44773

      Posted

      Oh, thanks Pat.  That demon still lingers within.  I have to constantly beat him down, and keep myself up. All the people on this forum help me do that, especially at the weekend!
    • vickylou
      vickylou Misssy2

      Posted

      OOOooh misssy

      so sorry to hear you're not too good. Not been online for a couple of days. Email me any time and we can talk about stuff you've not spoken about.

      i feel really guilty in saying Ive reached week 6 without drinking. Have to say my family have been so supportive, and I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them. I had my six week old grandson for two hours today on my own, something I never ever thought I'd get. Ive been where you are and know just how you're feeling. Start again, new day. I don't need to say anymore as you know it already, only that you're not alone, were are all here for you and email or pm me anytime and I'll get straight back to you.

    • Paper_fairy
      Paper_fairy

      Posted

      Here for you everyone ( and misssy) . Not sure what to say. Drinking..
    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 jacqueline85124

      Posted

      Hi jacqueline. What a great Saturday you had and we all support you. Waking up all fresh and no hangover or shaking is great. May you carry on! We support you and do not misjudge you whatever your problems are. Best of luck. Robin

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