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Craziness!

Posted , 10 users are following.

Misssy2
Misssy2

I didn't drink for a month.

​I stopped because it was literally killing me.

​One time I had 8 years sober.  Started drinking again 2 years ago and it has been down hilll and hard to stop for any good length of time.

​I can blame so many things...but the bottom line is I don't COPE with stress.  The last week...my body has been in "fight or flight" mode with the anxiety level so high...that my heart races all day long and I feel like I'm in a constant panic attack.  I never started my antidepressents like I should have after a short period of not drinking (I usually take them a week after I stop drinking)...and WHEN I do that...I DO feel better.

​However, this past month being sober...I have had constant "bathroom" issues.  So the antidepressent bothers my stomach usually the first week. So, I put off taking it until the bathroom issues stopped. But they haven't stopped...even with an antibiotic.

​There are family and relationship problems going on that I can't handle...and yesterday I couldn't take the heart pounding feeling anymore and my anxiety medication was not helping me.

​SO...I decided to drink.  And drink I did...and DRANK alot.

While I was drinking...I was so relieved of all the pressure...the heart racing did not totally stop...because then I was upset and scared that I was drinking again...but after about drink 4..I was completely calm.

​I feel kind of awful today in 2 ways...in my mind...cause I am down on myself for drinking and physically ill...just a general ill feeling since i had 11 drinks total.

The craziness is...I know I will drink again today...even thou I SHOULDNT.

​This drinking IS going to kill me and I KNOW it.  I just can't deal with life...period and drinking takes me out of life for a time.

​I called people I shouldn't have called.  I said things I shouldn't have said...and I'm just disgusted...but the crazy thing is...I'm willing to do it AGAIN.  When I know it is going to lead me nowhere but feeling really ill.

2 likes, 40 replies

40 Replies

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  • Robin2015
    Robin2015 Misssy2

    Posted

    Tough one Missy!! You have so many issues and problems in your life right now that we do understand and you felt so anxious and physically sick..how about those anti drepressants? Can you take them or are you ready to take them or too sick?? WOuld they help if you stop drinking again which is my advice.....all the best to you since it so tricky to give sound advice but ONE..yesterday was yesterday...let us move on SINCE YOU CAN DO IT......all the best to you Robin
    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 Robin2015

      Posted

      Robin..you are spot on...but I don't know how..lol.

      ​How does one know about my problems? LOL..

      ​I need to go to bed...you guys are all probably sleeping..thank you for caring.  I'm so BURNT out..and this is not the page to go into details as of WHY..but your right...too much..but no excuse for killing myself.

    • vickylou
      vickylou Misssy2

      Posted

      Misssy Robin has wise words. He is spot on about how many issues and problems you've got. I don't know what to say to you as you yourself have said it all. I just want to stress that no one here is alone, although we've all felt or feel alone. Why do we do it, we all know that each day we drink the worse we will feel? Logic goes out of the window and drink becomes the main focus of our lives. How long until the next one, will I drink today or not, yes I will even though I will feel worse tomorrow, no I won't drink it won't make me feel better, yes it will no it won't. It goes on and on, as does the guilt, self loathing and shame. Just because I'm in a good place at the moment, I know one slip and everything will come tumbling down and then there's the withdrawal, so many times I've wanted to stop, but the thought of what's to come next makes me drink more. We need each other to keep going, to stop the next drink.,why is it easier some days than others, I don't know. Please let's all try and stay in touch, I know that is easier said than done, no one should ever feel they're alone and have nobody who understands. I hope tomorrow is better for everyone.
    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 vickylou

      Posted

      I definitely want to drink right now on day one not drinking and I do notice as we get better we are on the computer less. Thank You Vicki and Lake paper ferias said earlier I can't type that much because I'm so ill
    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 Misssy2

      Posted

      My thoughts are with you.  I couldn't make tonight without a drink and I admire you more that you could ever know if you have made it.  If you haven't.....try again another time.

      I wish I had your strength.

      Pat xxxx

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 Misssy2

      Posted

      you can do it!! keep trying...our thoughts are with you most certainly
  • jacqueline85124
    jacqueline85124 Misssy2

    Posted

    Hi Missy,

    Hang in there.  Saturday night is almost behind us.  You will sleep better without that drink, and you'll be in a better place tomorrow.  I feel for you right now, and hope you can pull through your recent setback.  

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