Currently Detoxing!!!

I had a relapse two months ago.

I went right back to my old patterns after SIX past detoxes.

It was so fast and insidious- Started out slow then built up but I was even drinking less than I used to .... apparently my body wasn't having it despite my damaged mind wanting the substance.

I will articulate the embarrassment and shame for when I'm detoxed and safe since I am just emotional and scared currently and wanting to get through this (again)!

Tried to ween slightly and then quit Wed at 9pm - and had my last drink.

Took a left over Klonopin I had been prescribed for anxiety (only had 7 prescribed and I didn't take them as don't like benzos). The Klonopin .5mg was NOT helping my symptoms.

Needless to say I started having detox symptoms as I was under medicating.

Went to the ER the next morning at 9am Thursday after not sleeping for 3 days. Chest pain palpitations shakes etc.

Was given 10mg Valium and a prescription for 25 .5 mg pills as well as naltrexone and trazadone. I was also Hypokalemic in the ER and given potassium and a saline IV but nothing else.

I was to take 1-2 Valium every 6 hours for the first 48 hours then every 8 hours for one day then then every 12 hours 1 day then daily for 1-2days.

I have been taking as prescribed- however still having really bad symptoms of shaking, sweating not sleeping, hearing and seeing my "dreams" when I close my eyes but I'm not asleep. Panic and agitation. Vomiting.

It's now on 53 hours since the last drink and STILL no sleep.

I fell asleep at 12 and woke up at two suddenly.

The Valium does not make me tired. I haven't slept now for about 5 days.

However I don't feel comfortable taking the trazadone with the Valium and I just woke up - my last .5mg of Valium was at 8pm.

This is by far the longest - worst withdrawal I've had (I know they get worse the more you do them) and the most I haven't slept. I really don't understand how and why I am completely not tired, completely awake all day and night and when I fell asleep tonight at 12 I woke up SUDDENLY WIDE AWAKE 2 hours later when I haven't slept in 5 days!!!

You know - as horrible as this all is it is a HUGE help to have you guys to talk to. This is really scary and lonely ... And I really need to work out why it is I have done this to myself so many times - knowing the pain of detox and genuinely wanting to stay sober.

Treatment options are far too expensive for me but I'm trying to get into a free womens study program by me that's from a really well respected treatment center.

I have a therapist.

I have a GP - but it's a county hospital and I haven't had luck getting much of any help from them.

Sorry I'm just wide awake and needed to share with someone.

I do appreciate all of you.

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