Dating someone with depression

Posted , 6 users are following.

im currently in a good relationship with a man who has depression. We have been together nearly 4 month now. He was honest about depression from the very start but didn't really go into details. Up to now luckily it hasn't effected us at all. He had said it was improving and has seemed ok so I assumed it was ok. Today he mentioned he needs another sick note to stay on esa money from doctor. This led to me asking if he feels he would be able to work now if he had chance. He said he doesn't know but is trying to get on some course to help him get job if he feels up to it. He said he has days where he can't face doing anything every few days. Now I only see him once or twice a week due to us living far apart but he always seems fine. He said he hasn't had bad day when seeing me yet which could be partly luck and partly because it is something he looks forward to. I asked if he would still be able to meet as planned if he was having bad day when we had planned it. He said no.

Now I have never had depression or known anyone with it but I do know it's an illness that people don't understand if they haven't had it. I do not for one minute understand how someone feeling down would effect them going somewhere. But for the sake of this relationship I'm willing to at least act understanding. My next question indicated pretty much what I guessed was the case. We are planning to have a night away next month just to have time together. It will be in a premier inn near me therefore we will need to pay in advance and go or lose money. So I asked him what would happen if we had paid for room then he felt down on the day he said he would still make effort to come. So he can make effort if he chooses to. I'm thinking it's going to be a matter of both of us being understanding to the other. Like once or twice him not meeting because of being down me not trying to push him to and being understanding and if it does happen more often him making effort to still meet sometimes.

up to now he's only once not met when planned and he kept being sick that day so totally understandable he has met twice when he probably didn't feel like it as much once he wasn't feeling too well and once he had bad headache which he'd warned me puts him in bad mood but he seemed fine both times.

 

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  • Posted

    At the moment I'm not frustrated but I know if his depression does start effecting us meeting and stuff I will find it very hard not to get frustrated. From sounds of it he seems willing to make extra effort to meet even if he does feel depressed at times such as if we plan to go away for night and if he's had to not meet once because of it so would only ever be once not meeting at a time. Going to talk to him about it at weekend and just confirm that then it is fair because we will both be thinking of the other. As for Valentine's day that is the day and night we plan to spend together. He says he thinks he will be ok because he will be with me. He's also said for that time because we have to book and pay in front he will make effort to still come. As for date he lost his wife that is one date he doesn't know if he will want to meet but I definately do because it's the same date a year earlier I lost my nan. Sad but would be nice to be there for each other. I know I will be ok on that date so it is mainly me wanting to use it to be there for him.
    • Posted

      If you make it clear you want to be there for him I think he will appreciate it a lot
  • Posted

    I will be brutally honest here. I agree with most of whats been but there is a simple point to consider while its early days in your relationship. Being in a commitited relationship with some suffering from depression is ver hard going. It can be tiering and emotionally draining. And it can become very frustrating when you realise your can't just 'cheer them up'. I tell you this from the exoeriance of my wife who is a long term suffer of depression. There will be good days, week or months when they may go into remission but on the whole depression is a long term illness and often never fully goes away. Please think about what you want long term from a relationship and strongly consider if you can get fullfillment caring for someone in this situation. I say that becuase when a depressive becomes low functioning you will in effect become their carer. If its love you have this may or may not matter. I just want to make sure your eyes are open before fully inveting in a long term relationship.

    I do not mean to offend people by this. I just think its important to talk about the elephant in the room which often gets ignored. Depression does have a hugh impact on loved ones to the point it can also adversly affect their mental health.

    • Posted

      Thanks for that and I think up to now I have been lucky with it not effecting us yet. But I know it could just be matter of time before it does. Next month will show better how it's likely to effect us with Valentine's day which we will spend together then what would of been his wife's birthday. He wants that day and few days before and after alone which is fine but will be hard if he struggles to move on. Going to talk to him at weekend and see what he says. 

      He he does think Valentine's day will be ok for him and if his mind can be taken off his depression it should be.

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