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I tell myself I am in control. Yet the next thought is, which pharmacy was I at last? What did the person serving me look like? Can I go there again or shall I visit the one I was at a week ago and hope they too don't recognise me?
Currently I alternate within a chain of pharmacies who allow me to obtain codeine under a false name, as my ID has been recorded too many times. (I am in Australia, where our drivers license is required to be presented and then recorded in a database).
These pharmacies are currently supporting my codeine addiction.
I have been addicted to 15/500, 16 a day - 8 morning, 8 afternoon) for the last 12 months.
This morning I woke up and the first thing I did was google codeine addiction.. and I came across this forum and I couldnt believe the outcries from others who have been in the same situation as myself.
The last time I visited my local pharmacist (who knows my face) I purchased 40 15/500 at one time. He gave me a look of what I perceived as judgement.. but later I realised this was most likely concern. So this morning, instead of driving 30km to find a pharmacy to support my addiction... I saw my local concerned pharmacist.
I opened up. I told him of my addiction. I thanked him for giving me that look as it had created the thoughts in my mind - what on earth am I doing with this toxic stuff? Why do I hide this addiction - why do I constantly try to find trash cans not within my home to dispose of the empty-packeted evidence - why the f am I actually addicted??
My pharmacist (let's call him Steve) was more than understanding. I asked for the name of a non judgemental doctor nearby... and he referred me to my very lovely GP (I have hidden this from her too). I have now made an appointment for the soonest available 3 VERY LONG DAYS AWAY.
So for the next few days at least, I'm on my own.
I resist the urge (currently) to drive the 30km and figure out from the few empty packets I have left, which pharmacy I was at last and how long ago.
I know they will sell it to me.
I need them not to.
I need to keep busy.
I snap at my family without this stuff (I shout) yet I cannot take a break from them during the withdrawals and recovery.. and this will be very difficult as the ONLY person who knows about this is Pharmacist Steve... my husband does not know. No one knows.
I don't know what to expect during these next few days, weeks, months as I come off codeine and go back to living a 'normal' life. Although I do look forward to my thoughts not being consumed by where I can get my next codeine fix.
Any replies are anticipated and appreciated. Like you wouldn't believe.
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