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Day 5

Posted , 5 users are following.

tina89895
tina89895

Sorry everyone its me yet again. Woke after a horrible night feeling like i've got a hangover, withdrawal I assume. Morning ok at work then started feeling as if i was on the inside looking out, wanting to run away just drive to anywhere not let anyone know where. ended up going for a walk tried phoning my cpn typical she's off sick so hung up. Cut a long story short attended new exercise class visited a friend then came home. It now feels surreal like a year ago, I'm watching Tv and my terminally ill husband is alseep in bed. Is this me beginning to come to terms with his death, I'm crying and wanting to get p***** to make this go away. When he died i know that was the end and he wasn;t comeing back i'd accepted that but I haven;t till now been able to talk about him or visualise him and now he's sleeping in the other room. I just don't know what to do. Run or talk to someone sorry folks I am finding this so difficult. Has cit been hiding this all away and now hit me between the eyes. 

I'm so so sorry to dump this on you all. 

1 like, 17 replies

17 Replies

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  • Chik07
    Chik07 tina89895

    Posted

    Grieving is so hard :-( some mornings I wake up thinking my dad is still here then I realise with a BANG... Still don't accept I will never see him again.... It's soooooooo hard I hate it... Arrrgggghhhhhh lets scream!!!  All I can do is send hugs xxxxxxx. 
    • Chik07
      Chik07

      Posted

      And now  the alcohol has kicked in I am going to sleep! Never drank a drop until 18 months ago so luckily it does not take much 😉 good night xx
    • tina89895
      tina89895 Chik07

      Posted

      Hi chik Good to hear from you not necessarily in these circumstances. I just don't know how to cope with this. this morning i wasn't feeling too bad after the groggy head disappeared I was even thinking not starting the new meds, and yes your right BANG it hits you between the eyes.This is the first time this has happended to me since his death and I am finding it really hard. i can't even go into the bedroom and yes i am now having another glass ofred wine so hopefully I'll end up passing out. I know alcohol isn't the answer but f it who cars. I DON'T xxx
  • jim48507
    jim48507 tina89895

    Posted

    i don't grieve like a normal person.  that's my problem.  It sneaks up on me years later.
    • Chik07
      Chik07 jim48507

      Posted

      I don't think there is any normal, we all just grieve different. I sunk into whatever this is straight away and am still down there, but my mum and brother keep busy and do things, maybe they will sink later, who knows... I know nothing anymore :-( apart from all these crappy feelings will still be here tomorrow :-( 
    • jim48507
      jim48507 Chik07

      Posted

      I felt nothing when close ones died for years.  Then years later I felt really awful and really wished I could speak to them again.
    • tina89895
      tina89895 Chik07

      Posted

      Your right everyone keeps telling me your get through this, I know a lot of people do through worse situations than mine as you say everyone is different. Some people cope with it really well or give the impression they are but no one really knows what happens when they are on their own. I am getting use to speaking out about my feelings it doens't make it go away but does sometimes help.vEven if is is just screaming....
    • tina89895
      tina89895 jim48507

      Posted

      I was lucky in one way i knew my husband was dying from terminal illness. We talked a lot about things organised a living will so i didn't have to make difficult decisions near the end and a do not resuscitate procedure in place. It still doesn't make it any easier. And this is the first time I have actually really thought about him I haven;t been able to look at photos either and it has been over 9 months ago. Wow it only feels like yesterday.
    • Chik07
      Chik07 tina89895

      Posted

      Hiya, how are you today? 

      I felt crap this morning... Too much alcahol and my dreams were all muddled... I could not take it in, it was all jumbled, my dad had arthritis and my horse was killed and sister in law had cancer... It was like they all swapped what happened in real life... So wierd, guess it was my way of wishing my dad was the one still here.....My mind worries me sometimes 😚 hope your a bit better today xxx

    • tina89895
      tina89895 Chik07

      Posted

      Muddled dreams are a pain, do you have a drink or two every night? I find when I drink I actually sleep most of the night and no dreams. It is really weird how your sub concious makes dreams out of what you were thinking, seeing or talking about but doesn't necessary make sense. Do you write yours down, I started doing that when I wake up in the night so I don't froget but they still don't make much sense. 

      My morning was ok, then went downhill don't know what triggered it, treid phoning the cpn still off sick but the guy who did my assessment phoned me back, the conclusion wss go into the mental hospital to keep an eye on me or take diazapram my decsion, didn't want to do either, my boss wouldn't let me go home as he was quite concerned as he hadn't ever seen me in full melt down. He ended phoning my GP and arranged an immediate appointment for me. Anyway had a good talk with him refused being admitted to hospital, sausage supper and chilling out in front of tv, finished the red wine and will now have to stay of f the alcohol. Phew quite a tiring day. 

      Do you see anyone to help you sort out your thoughts and concerns? xxx

    • Chik07
      Chik07 tina89895

      Posted

      Sounds exhausting but get you sill did not sleep. Sausage supper sounds yummy, nice food helps. I have alcahol every night except twice a week I have zopiclone instead as a treat.... Wow it's sad when that's what a treat is :-( may have one tonight as can take early then sleep, alcahol still keeps me awake till all hours, then drowsy in the morning. I was seeing a councillor but cannot be bothered anymore! Nothing will take away the pain and suffering I saw my dad go through and nobody can say anything to make me understand what life is about when things are just taken away and nothing is left of everything he worked for! I don't think being admitted will help you, it will just be more depressing I reckon. Hope you did feel bit better today xxx
    • tina89895
      tina89895 Chik07

      Posted

      Not sure that zopiclone is a treat. I do feel for you as I know where your coming from it does make you question life and what is the point at times.

      My day ways better than yesterday, just back from aqua aerobics, treating myself to some cider as I'm going to start the new medication tomorrow night and it is written in big letters avoid alcohol. At least I survived a week with no citalopram, heads a bit spiky, hot flushes, head feeling as if it's not there and my meltdown yesterday. Still worried about this new stuff though.

      I just hope that you manage to see some good in your life. The gp i saw yesterday was very good and understanding I hadn't seen him for years and for an elderly gentleman he did talk sense and made me feel that he did really care.

      Maybe later you might want to talk things through again I for one was never for really opening up but being on my own it was a case of having to otherwise I don't think I would be here.

      Better shut up for now. Hope you have a restful sleep. Xx

    • Chik07
      Chik07 tina89895

      Posted

      I talk to my boss at work a lot, she is great and understanding. Better than my counsellor.... It's more personal as she is genuinly concerned about me. Glad you were better today and cider is a nice treat 😄 well done on your Aqua aerobics too. Not seeing much good at moment. Sister in law body now been released so funeral will be soon... Oh joy :-( chocolate for me now and sleeping pill and hopefully a full night sleep.Have a good.. (Ish) evening xxx
    • tina89895
      tina89895 Chik07

      Posted

      I an so glad you ahve someone to talk to who is understanding. I suppose it depends on how good the councillor is, I really like the lady i see, it took a while obviously to get to know each other but now I don't get too embarresed crying infront of people anymore as a lot of the time I can't control it. Sorry you are going to have to face yet another funeral. I've moved onto a pimms I thought it better than vodka. Have a good dreamless sleep or if you dream make them really nice and peaceful. i expect I will get maudlin late due to drink. Night night xx
  • David_21660
    David_21660 tina89895

    Posted

    I guess none of us truly needs to apologise, but we do. None of us need to feel, but we do. None of us need cry, but we do. Emotions are all part of being human and we don't come with the answers we have to experience and learn how to deal with them, it is difficult, but we do.

    I was with my Dad when he dropped in the street and I could'nt save him, even though I had more first aid training due to being in the services. After the funeral and sorting everything out, I returned to where I was living at the time and found it very difficult to come to terms with (still do to be honest!). However the next morning and several after that I used to ring his number only to get "this number is no longer available". At least, I suppose, I got to kiss him goodbye at the hospital, whereas my Mum I didn't and that hurts too.

    Sometimes we're up, sometimes we're down, sometimes we need a little something to help us cope, sometimes we don't. One thing we all need, is here and now, without you guys, the world would be a far worse place.

    David x

     

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