Day 5
Posted , 5 users are following.
Sorry everyone its me yet again. Woke after a horrible night feeling like i've got a hangover, withdrawal I assume. Morning ok at work then started feeling as if i was on the inside looking out, wanting to run away just drive to anywhere not let anyone know where. ended up going for a walk tried phoning my cpn typical she's off sick so hung up. Cut a long story short attended new exercise class visited a friend then came home. It now feels surreal like a year ago, I'm watching Tv and my terminally ill husband is alseep in bed. Is this me beginning to come to terms with his death, I'm crying and wanting to get p***** to make this go away. When he died i know that was the end and he wasn;t comeing back i'd accepted that but I haven;t till now been able to talk about him or visualise him and now he's sleeping in the other room. I just don't know what to do. Run or talk to someone sorry folks I am finding this so difficult. Has cit been hiding this all away and now hit me between the eyes.
I'm so so sorry to dump this on you all.
1 like, 17 replies
KarenNY tina89895
Posted
i went in Citalopram a long time ago after my Dad died....like in 2003.
He was an absolutely beautiful man?...just the best....I am sure so many of you feel the same about your family and loved ones....you know what I am talking about. He was only 62........ He had just retired after working very hard as an engineer for an aerospace company. He was a genius.....so strong.....and then 9 months later....he was gone........watching him get so ill and so thin and everything was more then we could handle. My Mom, my brother and I never left his side.
i could not stop crying after he died.....for a whole year......every day I cried...sobbed. I had to do something. The Cit helped me very much. Numbed my severe melancholy and my ruminating, my overwhelming sadness, .....just numbed me..... I did not have to feel very much at all.
I also lost my uncle and my older brother.......they were way too young to die. Heart-wrenching.
i went through a lot more stress with a family member that got involved with drugs....I got custody of her 3 year old son. It was absolutely devastating to go through that....watching a beautiful child suffer.....it just floored me. I also had a very, very stressful job.
i am retired now and so many years have passed.....the 3 year old is now 13 and doing amazingly well.....just a gem of a boy.
i feel so much better now that my stressful career is behind me.
i just recently decided to come off the Cit after like 12 years of 40mg.
i don't know if I will be able to do it. So far.....I am doing ok. I am irritable....but......not too bad. I know that it will take a while for the withdrawals to really hit me.
I am frightened as I have tried to come off this medication so many times. The crying starts all over. Deep sorrow overcomes me.......the sobbing is uncontrollable. The melancholy hits my gut like a knife. There is absolutely nothing anyone can say to me to make the depression....the extreme despair go away. I don't know if it is chemical or if it is the withdrawal or what.
it has been a week off the Cit. So, I am being cautious and hopeful. We shall see what happens this time. The longest I went was 3 months and I could not take it anymore. I always wonder if I could ride it out just a little longer...what would happen on the other side.
i feel for everyone here that suffers from sadness......it is in my nature to be very sensitive to life, to people, to feelings. I empathize greatly with other people...and especially children. If I hear of a child suffering....it just guts me.
i am so sorry for everyone that feels the harsh pain that life brings when a loved one is gone. I dream a lot too. I dream that my of my Dad all the time. A lot of times I dream that he left us on purpose .....that he didn't like us anymore and that is why he is not here. It is terrible to dream this.
he loved us so much.
thanks to everyone that shares here. It does help me knowing that there are others out there who feel similar to me.
wish I could drink....but alcohol makes me sadder.
exercise is the best for me..but......I have to get motivated to do it.
thanks for listening and good luck to you all out there.
David_21660 KarenNY
Posted
Firstly, I have to ask, are you going cold turkey with cita? Brave if you are as, this side of the pond it is a gradual reduction to prevent any withdrawls etc., or are you a week off after reducing?
Anyway, yes there is alot of sadness in the world and we don't need to turn on the TV or radio to know about it. It can be in the next country, the next town, the next street, even next door, Personally without my 12 year old daughter, the love of a good woman (we were both single when she volunteered in the main office), a great Doc and all these wonderful people here I would be a great deal sadder too! I have come to realise, through being here amongst other things, that there is also a lot more goodness out there than we think, we know or we are told. After all, good news doesn't sell!
I have been reading about hormones and chemical inbalances after a suggestion from a lovely person here and also 5-HTTP (natural stuff to help the old seratonine levels) for when I am ready to come off. My Doc says (after being on cita since beginning of Dec (as I am doing well)) she will look to reduce me in about 3 months time - IF, I am still doing fine. She says the natural stuff does appear to help some, so, I shall give it a go. (This, of course, is a personal decision and without research I would not suggest it otherwise and of course report back here when I do begin). However, there is no way I shall just stop without reducing. Just trying to keep everything positive at the moment, but we'll see.
Personally, I think there should be some kind of special Congressional Medal of Honour for unsung heros such as yourself that side. To go through such tragedy, keep working and raise a family member's child is just amazing, a better 13 year old young man due to your care we are sure.
Through all the heart ache that we as humans have to suffer I hold on to every little piece of joy through the bad times. Sometimes it is difficult and, like everyone, I have to vent my feelings and I do fall by the wayside from time to time. I accept this as being human. I also accept the frailties of being a man and wish more men (especially those in power) would do so!
We hope your retirement is the way you want it, if not make it so!
Due to being here for work related stress I am now (fortunately) in the process of removing that which brought me here in the first place from my life. As some here know I was in a dark place on the edge of something, I don't know, from which I may not have returned. Every evening I drank and smoked (and occassionally "smoked") to get over the day and sedate me for the one to come. I worked (still do as I write, yet still off on sick leave) managing and coordinating community transport for a non metropolitan area in the region of a 450km sq on me own, with expectations from the overall manager and board to do more, I did and kept doing, until, I broke. They have decided they have to terminate my contract now as I am obviuously not getting well quick enough and the four, sometimes five, that are trying to do my job are under too much stress!!! We used to have rights in this country you know!
So, I am going to retire too! At 58 I think it is about time after everything now and including the public, military and private careers, I thought it would be nice to go out working for a charity (give something back) WRONG!
My (now) fiancee Ann and I are just about able (fortunately) to do so although, there has been a complete life style change in the meantime for me. Ann and I can manage. The life style change is saving me so much money, I didn't realise how much I was wasting trying to survive. In doing so it was killing me!
Well, I have rabbited on long enough - thank you for listeniing too! The rain has stopped, I have just checked the water butt as I made another cuppa coffee and there is a couple of inches in it and the plants in our front and back (yard) gardens have been watered free too - YIPEE!
Have a great weekend and retirement! We are all welcome here at this forum and keep us up to date with your progress (in either direction!), but we do wish and pray it is the right direction.
All the best,
David