Day One

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After many tries at stopping, today I decided enough is enough.  I've felt very alone dealing with this issue, but obviously trying to stop on my own hasn't worked.  I also don't want to go to my doctor because I don't want it on my health record.  I'm hoping talking about it with other people will help this time stick.  So, here's my story.  This is my first time being totally honest and telling it. I'm a 42 year old woman. I've worked up to drinking about 4-5 shots of vodka almost every day. My liver hurts, my face is getting an overall red tone and I've almost really messed up my marriage by picking nasty fights with my husband while drunk and flirting with a friend of his once also while drunk which thank God the friend never told my husband.  I drink when making dinner or when doing art (I"m an artist).  The buzz puts me in a good mood to face the doldrums of housework and gets my creativity flowing, so I'm going to have to figure out how to not do that.  The reason today is hopefully the day is that last night I woke up to find my husband not in the bed.  I thought he was up playing video games.  But in the morning he came back into the bedroom with his pillow and blanket.  I'd forgotten that I got so drunk the previous night that I'd picked a fight with him so bad that he went and slept on the couch.  On so many levels, that about sums up the things that terrify me about what alcohol does.  So, today I'm doing two things I've never done - talking to others about my problem and making a contract with myself.  Here's what my contract says:  

" I, __________, have decided to stop drinking alcohol as of today, July 1, 2015.  I have chosen this goal because, today, I am afraid of alcohol. I am afraid of the damage it has already caused to my body, marriage, friendships and life, of my inability to stop, and of the potential it has to make things much worse. 

If I don’t stop drinking, I WILL lose the things that I treasure most - the love, admiration and friendship of my husband, the roof over my head and the food that he provides, my memory and ability to think clearly, the healthy functioning of my body, my physical beauty, and the ability and motivation to live life to the fullest.

If I stop drinking, I will be vibrantly strong, beautiful and active! I will be proud of myself and able to fulfill my life’s purpose.  Not one more drink.

My husband wants me to be able to drink like a normal person like he does (a few on the weekends) but he doesn't understand that what I really need is to not be around alcohol.  He loves me (well, not so much after last night) but isn't supportive in that way, so that's something else I have to deal with. He thinks I should be able to just decide not to drink and refuses to not have his bottle of Scotch in the kitchen when I've asked repeatedly not to have any alcohol in the house.  In order not to drink his Scotch and to hide how much I drink, I've been keeping a bottle of vodka in my art studio.  Both sides of my family are full of alcoholics.  My mother has turned into the family pariah and my dad hates her because of her drinking.  I don't want to turn into her or their dead marriage!

I think I'll stop here.  Such a long post already!  But it feels good to get it out, even if no one reads it all or responds.  I might post here every day smile

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  • Posted

    Good luck and keep posting👍 I'm 4 weeks dry on Friday 😃
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    • Posted

      Thank you smile  and congrats!! I can't imagine what it'll be like to be at 4 weeks.  I haven't gone more than 3 days without alcohol for probably 25 years. (wow, it sucks to admit that, even to myself)
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    • Posted

      You'll be fine if you have Librium, if you haven't, I'd postone your detox until you can get some. I was drinking for about 20 years everyday before my first detox. Luckily I was in a private clinic. I'm sure someone will be along shortly to advise better as I'm not a doctor 😃 expect 2-3 days of feeling like crap, after that you should be ok?? 👍😃
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    • Posted

      ArtGirl, Roger is right. You can TRY to stop drinking but if you get withdrawal symptoms (shakiness, sweating, agitation or other very uncomfortable symptoms) then you must have a drink and seek medical advice, when you would be likely to need Librium. You must not try to go cold turkey if you are getting strong withdrawal symptoms. Alcohol withdrawal can make you seriously ill and can even kill.

      There are ways in which you can become a controlled drinker, but it is best to stop first. Alcohol dependence is a physiological illness and NOT a behaviour problem. It is scandalous that people have been made to stand up and admit their shame. Imagine if that was done with cancer sufferers? Clearly, the predisposition to alcohol addiction runs in your family and this is very common.

      Do some reading about The Sinclair Method. It is the most effective treatment for alcohol problems that has ever been available with a 78% success rate in Finland. For various reasons it is not well known, not least because there is a multi-billion dollar industry that prefers it not to be known about.

      Keep us all informed. There are lots of people here to support you and they are all great people. I see people getting better advice here than they get from so-called experts who work in the field of addiction.

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    • Posted

      Paul & Roger, thanks so much for that advice. I hadn't thought it might be dangerous!  I will monitor how I'm feeling and do as you suggested, Paul. If I do go for treatement I'll ask if I can do the Sinclair Method (read about it a little) I love your description of it being a physiological illness, not a lack of personal character.  I wish my husband understood that! :p
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  • Posted

    There's nothing wrong with having this on your medical record, nobody but doctors see it and if you do go talk to your doctor about it s/he will be understanding and happy you've come for help and have a wish to get better.

    It might also be good to get some medical advice about the detox, 25 years of heavy drinking is a long time and it could be dangerous for you to just stop cold turkey, so I strongly suggest you go talk to your GP (it’ll be ok I promise).

    Also a huge congrats on the decision, keep that contract close and re-read it when it gets tough.

    Good luck X

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  • Posted

    Nothing useful to add to the above other than to use the talent you've been gifted with to fight your demon. Paint, sculpt or whatever you do best but use it somehow to occupy yourself and find some peace. Take a walk in your favourite places, sketch, listen to the birds and use your third eye. I'm sure nature won't mind helping. Buena suerte.
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  • Posted

    Husband's response when I emailed him that I'm trying to figure out a solution to my alcohol problem.

    "If you haven't figured it out at 42, you are unlikely to have a solution, ever."

    Ouch, but understandable

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    • Posted

      Please don't give in to that last statement. I understand this perfectly, my ex is living back with me right now (after 25 yrs) and we are doing amazingly well considering.  I have said "decided enough is enough", several times and the alcohol is most often to blame for my problems. Yes, it usually wins although Naltrexone has helped immensily. 

      We figured it out (booze) in our mid 30's and split unfortunatly. It took a long time to figure what went wrong. Several years later in fact.

      Call him please. With all the info here you only need to convince him to read this forum to understand what  a lot of couples need to know. 

      I'm still trying to explain to my ex what happened over the last several years.

      You mention YOUR family but what about his family? Are they social drinkers? And his Scotch habit - how bad is that? Is this why you can't let your passtime of Art leave you stress free?

      So many scenarios to think of, please keep us posted ArtGrl.

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your kind words, Tim. smile  Emailed him while he's at work.  He doesn't drink the Scotch, the bottle just sits there half full for months.  His family is an unknown, they're not close at all, I don't really know them.  So happy you and your ex are happy now.  I feel so bad what I've put my poor hubby through.  Made him a nice home made dinner and leaving to go to a movie to give him a nice space to relax in after work tonight.  Will stay out until he's asleep
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    • Posted

      While your intentions are to stay out late, doesn't mean he will trust you to stay sober. Better to stay home so he can see you are trying. (only my impressions if you will). I'm sure there is a whole lot more going on from my experiences. 

      I would like to express to you my personal life but would be a long story for on here. Let's just say, be honest, trust, give and take,

      I'm 20 yrs older than you and have "been there - done that".

      Good wishes to you both.

      Welcome to this forum where you will get LOTS of support I'm sure.

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