Day One
Posted , 16 users are following.
After many tries at stopping, today I decided enough is enough. I've felt very alone dealing with this issue, but obviously trying to stop on my own hasn't worked. I also don't want to go to my doctor because I don't want it on my health record. I'm hoping talking about it with other people will help this time stick. So, here's my story. This is my first time being totally honest and telling it. I'm a 42 year old woman. I've worked up to drinking about 4-5 shots of vodka almost every day. My liver hurts, my face is getting an overall red tone and I've almost really messed up my marriage by picking nasty fights with my husband while drunk and flirting with a friend of his once also while drunk which thank God the friend never told my husband. I drink when making dinner or when doing art (I"m an artist). The buzz puts me in a good mood to face the doldrums of housework and gets my creativity flowing, so I'm going to have to figure out how to not do that. The reason today is hopefully the day is that last night I woke up to find my husband not in the bed. I thought he was up playing video games. But in the morning he came back into the bedroom with his pillow and blanket. I'd forgotten that I got so drunk the previous night that I'd picked a fight with him so bad that he went and slept on the couch. On so many levels, that about sums up the things that terrify me about what alcohol does. So, today I'm doing two things I've never done - talking to others about my problem and making a contract with myself. Here's what my contract says:
" I, __________, have decided to stop drinking alcohol as of today, July 1, 2015. I have chosen this goal because, today, I am afraid of alcohol. I am afraid of the damage it has already caused to my body, marriage, friendships and life, of my inability to stop, and of the potential it has to make things much worse.
If I don’t stop drinking, I WILL lose the things that I treasure most - the love, admiration and friendship of my husband, the roof over my head and the food that he provides, my memory and ability to think clearly, the healthy functioning of my body, my physical beauty, and the ability and motivation to live life to the fullest.
If I stop drinking, I will be vibrantly strong, beautiful and active! I will be proud of myself and able to fulfill my life’s purpose. Not one more drink.
My husband wants me to be able to drink like a normal person like he does (a few on the weekends) but he doesn't understand that what I really need is to not be around alcohol. He loves me (well, not so much after last night) but isn't supportive in that way, so that's something else I have to deal with. He thinks I should be able to just decide not to drink and refuses to not have his bottle of Scotch in the kitchen when I've asked repeatedly not to have any alcohol in the house. In order not to drink his Scotch and to hide how much I drink, I've been keeping a bottle of vodka in my art studio. Both sides of my family are full of alcoholics. My mother has turned into the family pariah and my dad hates her because of her drinking. I don't want to turn into her or their dead marriage!
I think I'll stop here. Such a long post already! But it feels good to get it out, even if no one reads it all or responds. I might post here every day 
1 like, 72 replies
richard7429 ArtGrl
Posted
I read it to the last word. You want to stop. Which is the same as I did. I was around musicians and atrists a lot whilst drinking and I lived that life and emulated the lifestyle and romanticised the drink when really the drinking was as you described with loss of respect, family and friends.
You've written a littel about what's happening when you drink; flirting with your husband's mate, not remembering your husband leaving the room after a drunk argument to sleep downstairs, hiding a bottle of Vodka, etc.
What is your behaviour like before the drink, during the drink, after? What problems do you have? You mentioned a bit about your family and your Mum's alcoholism. Anything else about your background? This doesn't have to be particularly about role of alcohol. How serious is your drinking? Any DTs, hospitals, terrors, arrests, fights, anxiety, depression, happiness, elation, control, etc.? I used to research a lot into the spiritual when I had those lucid moments and ask for help. Any spiritual leanings you toy around with?
Do you want to quit drinking for good and are you willing to go to any extreme to do so?
Kind regards
Richard
I'm an alcoholic and 10 months 19 days sober.
roger15081 richard7429
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richard7429 roger15081
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roger15081 richard7429
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ArtGrl richard7429
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I do have chronic pain from multiple car accidents 20-25 years ago, which in the beginning was why I probably started drinking. But I realize alcohol creates inflammation so makes pain worse in the long run.
Yes, ideally I'd like to stop drinking for good. No, not willing to go to any extreme to do that, lol.
ArtGrl roger15081
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roger15081 ArtGrl
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susiepie richard7429
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Susan
vickylou ArtGrl
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well done for taking the first step in admitting you have a problem with alcohol.
As others have said it can be dangerous to suddenly stop drinking without either medication or drinking less. Many people say they won't go to their Dr because they don't want Dr to know and don't want it on they're medical records (which to me is a bit of an excuse and a reason to carry on drinking)
when alcohol is affecting your health, your work, your relationship and basically taking over your life, does it really matter who knows. If you need librium so you can detox, then your gp would need to know.
please don't think I'm preaching, or being too hard, but I've been where you are now and know how difficult it is. The people who matter to me, family and friends, know, anyone else can just do one!
i certainly don't think your husband is helping you. Years ago mine did exactly the same. First and last thing I saw daily in my kitchen were his special malt whisky bottles. He also would order cases of wine "as they were on offer!". He wasn't prepared to alter his drinking habits, particularly over the weekend and would encourage me to drink socially.
I knew how bad my drinking had become, when after a party one Sunday night, I drove to pick my kids up from school at 4pm the next day and was caught drink driving. I had absolutely no idea I would be over the limit, or even have any alcohol in my system, otherwise no way would I have driven. That was my rock bottom when it was reported in the local newspaper.
at the end of the day, it's down to you, no-one is forcing you to drink, your life, your choice and what the hell does it matter who knows what. I do know exactly how you feel and you should be proud you've shared and spoken deeply about your drinking. Good luck and keep on posting on this forum
ArtGrl vickylou
Posted
We're a military family, so unfortunately the government does have access to our health records and they do affect where you're able to be stationed. That's why many do not seek help for PTSD, substance abuse, etc. I'm feeling really good today, so I'm glad I didn't call my doctor
Yes, exactly about the bottles of special malt! I did put it in a cupboard so it wouldn't just be sitting on the counter, but still I have to get food in and out of that cupboard. And my husband is still wanting us to "go out" on the weekends, which means bar hopping or meeting friends for beers. Wow, I had no idea BAC could still be high the next afternoon! Sorry that happened to you, but glad no one got hurt.
rainbow2014 ArtGrl
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Well done ! How are you feeling on day 2 ? Im going to write more after work as have to dash now but just wanted to say that your story and newfound determination really touched me and brought a few tears to my eyes.I totaly emphathise with your situation and feel that we are so similar. Im artistic musically and the combination of the drink and music/art is a real buzz BUT...... so is alot more when youve managed to step out of that zone that you were in !
You are so very brave , keep going ArtGirl and remember there is help and support all around you
Take care today
xx
ArtGrl rainbow2014
Posted
Physically I feel good. Last night I was out with new friends to watch a movie. When they headed to a bar for cocktails afterward I came home. I'm sad to have missed getting to know them better, I'm glad I took care of myself. During the night I did have some strange muscle twitching and itching sensations. Thanks to people's suggestions yesterday I researched what symptoms to look out for in case I was having a bad reaction, and I took a sleeping pill to counteract insomnia, so I got a fairly solid night's sleep. So far all seems well.
Things are bad between hubby and I, including him calling me bad names in his sleep, getting up walking around the house, through every room of the house and standing over me in the middle of the night (those were pretty creepy and not things he's ever done before) and not eating the breakfast I cooked him this morning. He is so, so angry. To be expected.
I've gone two days before, I've never gone 4. Looking forward to day 5
I hear ya about the art thing! I've done some of my best work while buzzed, it helps me get to a creative place where I really loosen up and take it to another level! Will have to figure out how to get there now. Of course, it also led to some really bad art, since you need good decision making to make a strong piece, too.
rainbow2014 ArtGrl
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Well done for going home and being kind to yourself
Im not sure of your hubbys personality and dont know the real issues youve been facing between you both concerning drink but I do feel you maybe put yourself down a little ?
All I would advise for now is to recognise that you will be seeing things in a very different light from now on perhaps ! He maybe standing over you at night on occasions as he is worried , not only from your withdrawels but also because of your relationship as you will become different . Can you speak to him about this ? You have mentioned that his behaviour is understandable ? I really hope that in a few days you can sit down and discuss things . Sorry , not meaning to interfer
I wish you all the luck in the world
Keep posting and creating your art
xx
vickylou ArtGrl
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Ive just re-read my previous post and it seems to be a bit unsympathetic. It certainly wasn't my intention. I think it's great you've opened up and shared your alcohol problems on this forum which is a huge step and you should be proud of yourself.
I really needed to accept I needed help and drink driving was the final straw.
however that was many years ago and now just drink at weekends with my OH or with friends. When I'm anxious I do hit the wine bottle from time to time.
Hubby and I eventually went for counselling with relate which worked wonders, but I needed to lay off drink for a good few months before addressing any other problems. For now I would suggest you focus on just taking a day at a time and would certainly advise you to visit your Dr.
ArtGrl vickylou
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vickylou ArtGrl
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ArtGrl vickylou
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PaulJTurner1964 ArtGrl
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It's time that the truth was out there and that those who have victimised people suffering this awful illness took on the shame they have been inflicting on others for decades.
ArtGrl PaulJTurner1964
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