Day One

After many tries at stopping, today I decided enough is enough.  I've felt very alone dealing with this issue, but obviously trying to stop on my own hasn't worked.  I also don't want to go to my doctor because I don't want it on my health record.  I'm hoping talking about it with other people will help this time stick.  So, here's my story.  This is my first time being totally honest and telling it. I'm a 42 year old woman. I've worked up to drinking about 4-5 shots of vodka almost every day. My liver hurts, my face is getting an overall red tone and I've almost really messed up my marriage by picking nasty fights with my husband while drunk and flirting with a friend of his once also while drunk which thank God the friend never told my husband.  I drink when making dinner or when doing art (I"m an artist).  The buzz puts me in a good mood to face the doldrums of housework and gets my creativity flowing, so I'm going to have to figure out how to not do that.  The reason today is hopefully the day is that last night I woke up to find my husband not in the bed.  I thought he was up playing video games.  But in the morning he came back into the bedroom with his pillow and blanket.  I'd forgotten that I got so drunk the previous night that I'd picked a fight with him so bad that he went and slept on the couch.  On so many levels, that about sums up the things that terrify me about what alcohol does.  So, today I'm doing two things I've never done - talking to others about my problem and making a contract with myself.  Here's what my contract says:  

" I, __________, have decided to stop drinking alcohol as of today, July 1, 2015.  I have chosen this goal because, today, I am afraid of alcohol. I am afraid of the damage it has already caused to my body, marriage, friendships and life, of my inability to stop, and of the potential it has to make things much worse. 

If I don’t stop drinking, I WILL lose the things that I treasure most - the love, admiration and friendship of my husband, the roof over my head and the food that he provides, my memory and ability to think clearly, the healthy functioning of my body, my physical beauty, and the ability and motivation to live life to the fullest.

If I stop drinking, I will be vibrantly strong, beautiful and active! I will be proud of myself and able to fulfill my life’s purpose.  Not one more drink.

My husband wants me to be able to drink like a normal person like he does (a few on the weekends) but he doesn't understand that what I really need is to not be around alcohol.  He loves me (well, not so much after last night) but isn't supportive in that way, so that's something else I have to deal with. He thinks I should be able to just decide not to drink and refuses to not have his bottle of Scotch in the kitchen when I've asked repeatedly not to have any alcohol in the house.  In order not to drink his Scotch and to hide how much I drink, I've been keeping a bottle of vodka in my art studio.  Both sides of my family are full of alcoholics.  My mother has turned into the family pariah and my dad hates her because of her drinking.  I don't want to turn into her or their dead marriage!

I think I'll stop here.  Such a long post already!  But it feels good to get it out, even if no one reads it all or responds.  I might post here every day

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