Days are full of nothing

Sleeping is escapism sometimes but then you wake up to reality.  I believe life is what you make it sometimes.  Not all the good in life costs money either.  I've been poor and comfortable too.  It's good to have enough money to do what you like but you can find happiness other ways too.  You just have to be creative. 

To be honest I just don't have the whole "I want to live as long as I possibly can" mindset that everyone seems to have nowadays, why does everyone want to live forever? What's wrong with knowing when enough is enough? I'm not necessarily saying that is right now but the point still stands. 

Sleep is great, you get a break - if only we could hibernate properly! 

You talk like people who want to live their life long and to the fullest have something wrong with them.  What would be your ideal alternative to this?  You do understand that death is permanent and suicide is a permanent solution to a TEMPORARY problem. 

No, of course not. That is in no way what I meant to insinuate. I would never think less of somebody who lives a long and happy life or somebody who strives for that, that is silly. 

I always used to firmly believe that suicide was selfish, cowardly and made no sense. When three members of my family attempted suicide and my own mother told me she wanted to I said, why on earth would you want that? I thought that surely, being on the earth, alive with the chance (however slight) of things getting better was better than being dead. 

And logically, that is a very reasonable opinion to have. 

Unfortunately, 10 months ago something terrible happened that changed my life and my mindset. I fell into a depression and only then realised how desperate people are when they consider suicide because, it is in fact better than living in turmoil every day. 

I would obviously never encourage anyone to take their life. I wouldn't take my own unless I had tried every possible solution to fix it. But I have wanted to try, and come very close to trying a number of times with the only thing putting me off being the idea that the attempt may fail. 

Personally, of course I want the future that I wanted not long ago. Of course I want to live a full life and be happy it is hardwired into us to want those things. But, it simply just does not get better for everyone, maths tells us that. It's sad, but true. 

I'm not saying it won't get better for me, I don't know what my outcome will be. I may feel so much better this time next year after working on myself. 

My post, originally, was a general 'vent' for the feeling I get when I wake up every morning, a complete lack of feelings and a frustration with that. That's my fault, I feel like this because of my actions and my mindset. I feel this way because I waited so long to go and receive help and because I stopped trying, stopped caring. I know that. I'm not intending to be whiny, I just needed to get that off my chest and sometimes though it may not appear productive but, yes - writing things that may appear negative but are just true thoughts others can relate to (such as; 'I wish I could just sleep for a year' etc.) does actually feel better once written down and sent to somebody who also understands how you feel (as Orange could relate) making us both feel less alone, less isolated. 

I'm sorry if it seems selfish or silly or came across wrong.

No need to apologize.  You have to understand my mindset too, however, and that of others.  Perhaps you should talk about that thing that happened to you that you feel sent things off on the wrong course for you.  If it's not too personal perhaps someone here can relate and help you through.  Bad things happen to everyone, some worse than others.  But you get through it and move on as best you can.  Easier said than done I know.  The worst thing that could ever happen to me did and I'm still here.  Didn't think I could make it and it hasn't been a year yet but I keep plodding along still. 

Of course, everybody has different opinions/views mainly as a result of their own situations. Yes, I'm sure there are people on here who could relate and help me with this specific issue but, I couldn't even say with certainty that I could ever actually properly speak about what happened. I'm sorry to hear about your son definitely the absolute worse thing a parent could ever go through, you're obviously an incredibly strong person! 

I have days that are not so good and days that are just a day that's not bad.  I'll take happiness in bouts of moments from here on out since the main reason for my happiness is no longer here.  That's all I can hope for right now.  I still go to his Facebook page and look at his photos and read his comments.  I feel like the only thing I had going for me in this life has been taken away and I didn't have really all that much to begin with but I always could look at my son and feel pride.  There is no God that would do this to a person.  I have no faith in anything like that anymore.  I was never a religious person nor was he, but I know for a fact that anyone who says things happen for a higher reason are fooling themselves.  There is no plan, no reason, just happenchance.  I will trudge through the rest of days in a numbed out stupor even though I may laugh at a joke or enjoy ice cream.  I'll keep feeding my animals and writing my stories but my joy is gone for good.  I used to think I was so lucky to have had a son even though I only had one child.  He was my rock.  He was handsome, strong and smart.  We didn't always see eye to eye but that was OK.  I lit up when he entered a room.  I was always his biggest supporter and he  mine.  My sister never had any kids nor my brother in law and there are no nieces or nephews.  My son was it and he never had a child of his own so no grand kids.  Strangly two days before he died we had that very discussion and he said he regretted not having kids.  I told him he still had plenty of time.  I didn't want kids but I had one happy "accident" and was greatful to God for that.  But I learned never to thank God or count my blessings because they can just get taken away.  I'm tainted, yes.  Hearing people complain about feeling too bad to live and I get angry.  I have a right to be depressed and it would be understandable if I jumped off a cliff, but I won't.  What's the purpose in that?  I know my son wouldn't want that.  He'd want me to be happy.  And if it sounds weird to anyone, I'd rather my son haunt me as a ghost, so frightening and scary that it would keep me awake at night but as long as I knew it was my son, even in this cruel, frightening form, I'd feel some comfort and joy.  I am a spiritual person.  I believe that it's possible those who have passed on linger around us in some sort of afterlife.  I try not to be too sad and cry a lot because if he is here, in spirit form, I don't want him to feel helpless and sad that he's the cause of my pain now.  I hope if all of that's true, he realizes how much I loved him and if he had any doubts about anything, he can rest in peace.  Life is not fair and can be cruel but that's life.  We're not promised anything or any outcome and we have to make the best of what we have.  You can't curl up in to the fetal position and let it pass you by.  You can't crawl in to a bottle either and drink yourself blind.  That IS the coward's way out and allows the grief and darkness of life to win. 

Wow you've gone through such a lot and I am so very sorry for you.

You make a lot of good points, and I know your son would be proud to know you are being so strong and determined in this awful situation you've sadly found yourself in.

However I can't agree with the notion that suicide and/or acts that cause yourself harm (such as excessive drinking/not doing anything) are a "cowards" way out.

They are desperate measures taken at desperate times. Everybody grieves/heals/deals differently, admittedly some are much more healthy than others, but if one is just going along with the motions of such an act its not really all that helpful. You have to feel it and want it, and that can't really be forced upon someone just as much as they can't force it on themselves.

I hope nobody on here, or in life in general, feels the darkest low and ends their life; but if they did I wouldn't think they were a coward, I'd just feel desperately sorry for them and their families, and I'd wish and hope and pray that one day everyone can get the help and support they need to keep on living.

All the best to you and you have my sincerest sympathies.

xxx

I won't sit here and reassure you that "it will fade in time" or that "it will get easier" ..it may have some truth but, nothing will ever fill that void. I don't mean to sound negative there, just that though you will learn to live with your loss it is the biggest loss anyone can endure. I suppose what you can take away is that he lives on in your memories. This may sound stupid, but there is a film entitled, 'The Fountain' it focuses on loss, death and the meaning of 'living forever'. The final sentiment explains how when we die though we are not here physically, our bodies - as they are buried or when our ashes are scattered become part of the earth, we grow into the wood of the trees and when those trees and flowers bloom they feed the birds, which allows us to fly along with them. People may die, but nobody is ever truly gone. And even though what I just wrote looking back may not really make sense and may sound like a load of silly nonsense, it's one thing I can offer that I do believe to be of some comfort myself when thinking of loss. (Maybe watch the film it explains it much more beautifully and stars Hugh Jackman!) :P

You have the ability and the strength to enable yourself to 'get up and get on with it' and that's really great and I am sure that your son would be very proud. I would suppose that if I died I would want those closest to me to mourn, then live every day for me. 

Again, at one point I would have agreed with you that turning to alcohol, drugs and suicide was cowardly but now I do have to disagree. People do not choose to have those thoughts in their heads, they do not want them there, I can tell you 100% that those voices telling you to go to that dark place are not a part of your usual stream of conscience, they are separate - they are nasty but, they are loud and simply ignoring them and getting on with it is unfortunately, not an option for everyone.

Don't forget that depression is an illness - you obviously feel this way because a life that was so precious was taken away when it should not have been and you would do anything to bring that life back I'm sure, and people who are willing to, "throw it away" seem as though they just do not understand the loss. It makes total sense. I wouldn't expect you to feel any other way. 

But, life is complex and so are the circumstances of others, depression affects everyone differently. As somebody who can truly appreciate how precious life is I am sure that of everyone, you must understand just how desperate somebody must be if they are willing to take it away.  

I hope you find some well deserved peace and continue to stay strong.

been their myself, awefull place to be, being creative is not like magic, in order to be creative u needs  tools, what u have thats possitive in ur life, n then sadly needs dicipline as well as maybe the right meds to spur it on,

i wonder how much of the population would exist if everyone had an option to die peacefully in sleep,

If you're not creative especially, volunteer some of your time to those less fortunate.  If you like animals, volunteer to walk dogs at your local shelter.  They'll love you for it because they ask so little, you'll get out and some much needed exericise and you'll get much more positive from it than you realize. 

 

Sitting in bed all day does not mean you are depressed no, but being diagnosed with it certainly does. 

I have spent time with people, I have sat amongst 8 friends and felt alone, I sit amongst family and feel alone - the issues are not simple and shallow I can assure you.