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Depressed after major life change

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Daniel999
Daniel999

Please read my story and I would be so grateful of some advice and support. I've recently slipped into depression after a major life transition. I hope I don't sound too ungrateful, because my situation may sound absolutely idyllic. I realise that people have far, far worse problems in life. But I still feel depressed.

I had it all - I was in an extremely well paid job at the top of my career, with a short commute and reasonable hours, excellent working conditions, a gorgeous little house in London. But I wasn't happy. I was constantly stressed by office politics that left me drained all the time. And I have always struggled to feel engaged at work. I had no energy left to do the things I really enjoy - photography, the outdoors and travel. It didn't help that the people I worked with weren't sociable, our neighbours downright unfriendly. We had no relatives nearby, and my wife and I have no kids. Almost all my old friends moved away from London long ago, and London demographics have changed so much in the past few years, I feel like a stranger there now despite living there over 20 years.

I am fortunate that, having been in a well paid job, with simple needs and no kids, I had enough money to retire in my late 40's. I also had built up a decent little business selling my photos online, and I could find consultancy work if the wheel came off.

So this year I quit my job with no regrets. We thought we would move out of London to a lovely house somewhere near Henley, work on the photography, and lead the "good life." Bliss!

Then it all went pear shaped. My wife's father died and she decided she wanted her mum to come live with us. My wife was adamant we needed a huge place to accommodate us. That limited our options but I went along with it. We ended up buying an old farmhouse further out in a very rural area. It's not the sort of thing I would have even considered, but again, I went along with it.

The house is certainly "impressive", but it's a complete fixer-upper and as soon as we moved in I regretted it. It needs much, much more work than I anticipated, it's very isolated apart from a few houses nearby, yet the road is much busier than I realised, and every lorry that thunders past just feet from our windows, shatters any illusion I had of an "idyllic" country lifestyle. I miss pavements and street lights, and having coffee shops and restaurants at the end of the road. And I think we actually enjoyed nicer countryside living on the edge of the green belt in London. 

I quickly became utterly depressed. If ever there was proof that money can't buy happiness, then I am it. I struggle to face every day. I am desperately homesick and I've thought of moving back to London, but in truth I can't replace our little house that I loved so much. I renovated it all myself and it really was the perfect house and even the estate agents said so.  I even want to go back to work for sanity's sake. But we're now so far from London it would be a really tough commute. I thought if I regretted leaving work I could do consulting work from home. But that doesn't get me out of the house so I'm not sure it will help.

And my wife and her mum both love it here. The neighbours are very friendly. My wife and her mum aren't bothered by the passing cars so for them it is really peaceful here. For me, it feels like my old life has ended and I am doomed to spending the next twenty years in a house I hate, miles from anywhere that inspires me, and with no job to get away from it all.

I really don't know what to do, how to settle, how to get into a routine. I am not productive and struggling to work on the house because every time we sink money into it, it feels like one more nail in the coffin.  I'm just getting more and more down. Haven't done any photography either. London awash with things to photograph. Now I'm surrounded by fields. I know that both London and Oxford are reachable but I feel so disconnected.

After quitting my job and moving house I don't know who I am anymore, or what I am doing here. I practically had an anxiety attack when I had to answer the "occupation" question on a form. I struggle to get out of bed every morning and waste half the day procrastinating. It's putting a real strain on our marriage too as my wife is left picking up the pieces.

I guess I'm just looking for some advice... please help!

 

6 likes, 49 replies

49 Replies

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  • jeff93733
    jeff93733 Daniel999

    Posted

    Hi Daniel,

    I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Now that it has been a while, I am curious to see where things are right now.

    If it were me, I would begin by having an honest conversation with my wife. Let her know how you feel and that you are unhappy with the major changes that have been made. Your problem to me doesn't sound like clinical depression; it sounds like a situational kind of depression that most people feel from time-to-time with varying levels of intensity. I think it makes sense that you are not feeling very upbeat with life, given your circumstances.

    I would recommend seeing a certified therapist with your wife to talk about this situation and how you feel. It may not go very well if you try to have the conversation by yourself. A good therapist can help you two navigate the conversation in a productive way. Also to note: not all therapists are the same. Some may be a better fit for you as a couple than others. I would try one, and after 3 or 4 visits if you guys haven't been able to connect, consider a different one. You don't want to jump around from therapist to therapist, but at the same time you need a good fit.

    Hope things improve for you.

    • dawn60288
      dawn60288 jeff93733

      Posted

      This is good advice.  Situational is absolutely right.  I'm depressed because of a move which appears to be perfect.  Yes perfect for my partner but not me.  So if I can change things for me I will feel better.  Guess Daniel with need the same action.

  • Cardenas.5
    Cardenas.5 Daniel999

    Posted

    Daniel, you are not alone. Depression can affect any person no matter their age, gender, race, ect. A big part of it is trying to sort out what caused it and seeing if you can counteract it. If the location of your home is something you are not comfortable with and you don't feel you will ever adjust you need to talk to your wife about maybe fixing it up a bit and selling it for a profit. I had a home that many negative things happened in and I was unhappy every time I walked in the door. One day my husband brought in a brochure to move to an apartment that was super nice and surrounded by fun things to do and I said, "let's do it!".. Let's fix up a few things and list the house for sale. During the "fixing up process" I was happy in the house because I knew I was preparing it so I could leave. We ended up making a very large profit from it for all of the fixing we did and it ended up being a very large blessing in our life. Sometimes we make a wrong turn in life and end up unhappy for different reasons and we may not be able to always pin point it, but if you KNOW your house is causing you to be unhappy, then make the choice to move. Life is too short to be unhappy over something that is easily fixed. People get so wrapped up in what society protrays as "happiness" so we may panic when we feel we have made a bad decision as far as our jobs, life choices, home purchases, ect, but it's never too late as long as you're alive. Always move forward and make positive adjustments until you feel happy. Even stepping forward to make plans to make adjustments will make you feel better. For me, living far from my family is hard, so I drive 2 hours an evening to go visit them once a week and on the weekend. If I can't move to be with them then I am going to travel to see them as much as I can. There are no limits to which you can do to be happy. After all, that's what life is all about, right? God bless you and anyone struggling with this illness. It WILL get better. It's all about positive thinking and getting out making positive steps in your life!
    • dawn60288
      dawn60288 Cardenas.5

      Posted

      great advice.  my depression is due to location and over 4 hours journey to family.

       

  • maggieO
    maggieO Daniel999

    Posted

    Would love to hear how everything is going for you Daniel??
  • kelvin32440
    kelvin32440 Daniel999

    Posted

    Hi

    You have it alot better than the majority of people Daniel. So many people are in worse positions than you.You have money, which is one of the biggest factors in good mental health. You have been able to pursue your dreams and retire at an age most can only dream off. I struggle to feel as much sympthy, compared to other people's situations .. However, i still understand how it must make you feel trapped. Which can be very stressful. It sounds like you lack the resiliance and emotional skills to MAKE yourself feel better. Which is no easy task btw. I think seeing a therapist would benefit someone like you enourmously and get you to see the bigger picture. I hope you feel better soon and are able to pursue all your dreams.I am sorry, i know i probabaly sound mean, but it's just hpw i feel. Please don't take it to heart.Lots of love. K

    • DeborahH58
      DeborahH58 kelvin32440

      Posted

      Found this post because going through similar feelings.  Kelvin, I think you need to sympathize, depression hits anyone no matter what the finances or lifestyle.  Your suggestion of a therapist is a good idea. 
    • kelvin32440
      kelvin32440 DeborahH58

      Posted

      I sympathize to an extent, which i feel i've expressed in my message. I know mental illness can affect anyone. However, it is alot more prevalant and hits harder among people who are disadvantaged especially economically. Daniel has the finanaces, hence enough freedom, to buy another flat to escape to, go on holidays, pay an expensive therapist, pursue his hobbies, escape his situation enough to reduce the feelings and help dissolve his deprresion, join a luxery gym which will help lift his moods etc so many options, compared to the finanacially restricted. I am not saying it's easy for him as it sounds like he has 'trapped' himself in his mind and created a negative ruminating habit. Which is why i suggested a therapist.
  • Nicolajo
    Nicolajo Daniel999

    Posted

    Hi , I don't know if this thread is still active. I hope so.

    I empathise entirely with your situation.

    9 years ago ( a long time I know )

    I had what I now know was a fantastic life, I just didn't know it at the time.

    I lived in the countryside in a beautiful house with my husband of 29 years and our wonderful 3 children.

    But things had got stale, I was bored.

    I thought that I had stopped loving my husband and that the house was too big, I felt trapped.

    And so as the menopause was in full swing I made some seriously stupid descisions.

    I had an affair ( I know this situation is entirely my fault so please if you want to tell me what a horrible/ungrateful witch I am, don't bother , I already know !)

    Any way the outcome of this was inevitably for me to leave my husband , the kids had long moved out as the were 28,27 and 25 by then, and start a new life with the 'new man'

    Now all these years on I have plunged into a devastating depression ( lasting 2 years so far)

    The darkness I feel is unrelenting, I drag my self out of bed and cannot see the joy in anything.

    I am not a weak person, I was active and outgoing, great social life and a few truly dear friends.

    Now I see no one at all.

    I have moved away and I don't recognise myself anymore, I don't feel like me, I don't feel like anyone at all to be honest.

    I lost my job, because I couldn't function and I ache, physically for my previous life, my house,my husband, my life.

    Most of our joint friends sided ( quite rightly )

    with my husband as I was the bad person, it was all down to me.

    2 years is too long to feel so dead inside.

    I will never get back what I had. I believe that the menopause triggered my 'madness' and dissatisfaction and now I have returned to a balanced view.

    I screwed up and the price is too high .

    Depression sucks the joy from my soul and I am just a shell wading through each day.

    Stay close to your wife, talk honestly to her and take time to decide if it's going to get better where you are or if going back is the route to all of your happiness. Good luck, I hope it works out well for you .

    • DeborahH58
      DeborahH58 Nicolajo

      Posted

      Dear Nicola, I can relate to you in a lot of ways, you aren't alone. 

      I did did not have an affair However I had a friend go through similar with menopause and had an affair and is now on her own going through similar feelings.  

      I too was was going through menopause, empty nest, husband working away and I was in a big house by myself.  I had anxiety and didn't want to face the day.  Spent a lot of time in my bed which became a sanctuary.  Stopped wanting to go out, to paint, to take part in things that were fun for me in the past.  I went through post partum years ago, this was similar and yet also different.

      We decided to sell the house, and I would move from the tranquil small town to the big bustling city to a condo.  It's tiny, we want to get a larger condo, but market went sky high and can't afford a larger place.  Went from a house to a studio.  I am sad, depressed and agoraphobic .  I freeze and don't want to go out.  I lost my safe place, my sanctuary.  I have also been grieving loss of my father.  

      So here I am this Mom of two adult children , wife and was a business owner, sitting afraid to go out and struggling to just function.  My anxiety was so bad.  I sought help from a naturopath and yoga got me somewhat back on track.  It's baby steps.  I went home for a week , where we moved from, stayed with my mom.  It was a lovely peaceful time,  So now we know where I can breath, and afterward  much crazy move and much headaches, we will be moving me back and I will be commuting to see my husband,  not ideal but health is important.  I heard that REM or Cognitive Behavioural therapy will work wonders too.  

      It's hard when you are on your own struggling.  You are not alone.  If you can find a holistic natural Doctor there are things you can take/ eat to get your brain health on the right track, it's helped me, it's not overnight, but it will help.  I've been almost 8 months, I'm feeling better slowly but I can say it's an improvement. 

      Hope,this helps, I was just like Daniel, but reverse, country to city.  I felt like a fish out of water.  Also felt foolish, lost , a failure in so many ways, which is ridiculous, but the brain and body is so complex, and menopause /depression/ anxiety Sucks! I wish you peace & the happiness you deserve. 

      💛

    • Nicolajo
      Nicolajo DeborahH58

      Posted

      Thankyou for your lovely reply.

      It means a lot when people reach out .

      You have made my day a bit easier . Thankyou

    • dawn60288
      dawn60288 DeborahH58

      Posted

      Hi How are things now?  I'm in a similar situation but have had to move with my husband's job several times.  I gave up my job and now I'm struggling with depression.  I can apply for jobs and have been invited for two job interviews within a couple of weeks but I panic and cancel.  Hope I can eventually get to an interview and get a job so I meet people as I don't no anyone here and I'm suffering with stress, anxiety and depression.  I'm trying to help myself and not go to GP.  Thanks

       

    • dawn60288
      dawn60288 Nicolajo

      Posted

      Hope you are feeling happy now.  You have suffered long enough. x
    • DeborahH58
      DeborahH58 dawn60288

      Posted

      I am slowly on the mend. Coming to terms with our mistake has been the most difficult. My husband has changed jobs three times and that is stressful too. For both of us and I don't help him by reminiscing about my judgement. I know in my heart what is best it's just getting my head around it that is tough one. I've been seeing a counsellor and massage therapy is good. Walking my dog and trying to seek yoga . I go whenever I can. The largest hurdle is guilt , and not feeling guilty while dealing with the pain. I am not going to to seek work , that will be added stress and not help my anxiety . I'm trying to take one day at a time , it's hard . Not to think about the past and concentrate on future . On a scale of one to ten though I was a two and now I'm probably a 7. My counsellor said it won't go away like it came . Instead of a flick of s switch it will be more like a dimmer switch for healing. It's been a year since starting out but the anxiety is the tough one and now back to commuting and not being with my husband every day. Thank you for your concern, we must keep in touch. It's tough to let go and take care of yourself . It's baby steps. My naturopath put me on supplements that seem to be helping too. Vitamin B 12 is important when stressed and I have been researching what is good for anxiety and nervousness.

    • dawn60288
      dawn60288 DeborahH58

      Posted

      I will keep in touch x  yes B12 can really help and I used to take it along general multivitamin but not had it lately I must start again 
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