Depressed,Alone and A Phobia of Doctors

Hi,

I have been depressed and lonely ever since my dad died on Friday 13th, best way I have got around it is smoking marijuana, intense exercise sessions, music and friends.

If any of the 4 I would say the intense exercise is the best, I do MMA, Jiu Jitsu & Muy Thai and it's great!

Hope this could help

I also don't like dr's or hospitals, makes me feel closer to death, but once you have changed your mind frame through weed / excercise it should be better.

dont go via the weed method Rachel, depression is one big side effect of drugs! Not worth going down that route but the exercise would stimulate your endorphines (happy hormones in your brain) so do as much of this as you feel up to - sometimes takes more energy than we can muster up though

yh coggy, I agree about the exercise!! just doing breathing exercises at the moment!! I actually got some sleep today

Coggy i dont have husband and my family dont know andthin about my ilness wots happend in past or my suicide atempts and been in hospital or wot happend 2 my friend i manage 2 hide it all and hide behin the smiles but atm though it imposible 2 do. All people i ever cared 4 or talk 2 no longer with me.

Anywa all take care.x

Shadow, I too have hidden behind smiles and yes I agree, easy to do most of the time until the going gets bad. Its thenm u need help. If you have had suicide attempts, dont you have some support to help you through this time? Do you work? How would u feel if a collegue killed themselves? Might u blame yourself for not being there for them?

I DO understand where u are at the moment , I really do, but I also know how things can improve, even can imrprove just a little bit so u can see light from the darkness you are in.

Tell me who you have in your family - even if they dont knwo your past, they are still people you know and who know you.

Keep talkign to us , we are here for you. What are u plannign on doing tomorrow- going out? seeing someone? dont sit in and dwell. Come and talk to us- I will be here and I will wait your emails to me xxx

Hey Rachel, breathing exercises are great (and fairly handy for life !!). Glad you got soem sleep - it makes all the difference to what the day looks like. Is its odd how one day you can wake up and feel ok (not nec happy but ok !) and other days we can wake up and know its goig to be a bad day. I am still trying to work out HOW to attack those bad days - not sorted ti yet but I will do . Have a nice rain walk tomorrow (dependnign on where you live !) Multitasking - breathing and walking at same time Hope u get some sleep tongiht xx

I agree with everything you just said coggy! today has been a better day, first in a while...Hope youre ok Shadow,... thinking of you xxx

I live with the guilt and pain every day i live, my friend called me 4 help i was 2 late she died in my arms i do no wot it feels like she was 1the 1 i turned 2 her family blame me aswel i should done more i was passed about as child and abussed so i lernt 2 shut down turn of and lived as a loaner not tell or talk 2 family about things feeling or anyting so they not no me or understand me. I c a phycologist 2 hours a week but on the outside im alone, i have crissis teams and samaritan nos but i not one 4 talkin on phone 2 any1.

Shadow, I hear what u r saying, there is a lot of sadness in your life, do u have anything going on which you feel is positive at all? Do you work? Do you have anyone who u call a friend?

Are you on medication shadow?

You can not take all the guilt for your friends actions. We are all responsible for ourselves- if she had wanted help, she woudl she/he have contacted you sooner. You cant be responsible for another human beings actions. Ending a life is the easy bit, I was told its the cheats way out, and

its carry on when the going is tough thats the hardest and bravest thing to do as you are finding.

I hope today brings you some kind of peace

x

Hi Shadow, I've just read what you said. Please try not to blame yourself for getting there too late. I doubt your friend would want you to be feeling all this guilt. .. I had a very abusive childhood as well, I turned myself off from everyone and everything, I overdosed at 12 because I couldn't face it anymore and I'm still very much a loner, keeping myself to myself. I don't tell anyone about how I'm feeling. It feels easier that way. Its only lately that I've realised I have to 'talk', although only on here, about how I am. I'm like you, I can't talk on a phone or face to face. Its too hard. Please don't that you're alone. People are thinking of you, especially today, xxx

i just thought id say that i felt so bad last night that ive now emailed the samaritans. i really hope they can help me because im really struggling. that was huge for me and i really hope ive done the right thing

HiRachel

I;m sorry you are feeling bad today Well done for emailing though. They will replywrot adn just being able to offload stuff ontop someone helped me enormously. I was like you, no way I coudl actually talk to anyone. I read back the emails I wrote to them and even on my worst days now, the emaisl are from someone so low its hard to imagine I was there and it makes me realise how far I have come (however woudl be even nicer not to have any bad days at all!).

You did the right thing and I hope you get some reassurance from them - did u have a bad night again last ngiht? DO you think your moods are related to being tired? Taken me months to work out mine are !! I must be a very slow learner !!

Take care Rachel, try and maybe get out for a little fresh air today - I must admit when I was at my worst, I coudnt think straight enough to do anything sensible like walking but even a 20 min walk, will benefit you and u can use it as your goal for today. Small goals (even though they seem big at the time ) is the way forward xx

applogies for my typing Rachel !!! its rubish today !!!

thanks coggy, you sound like such a lovely person. i hope i can look back on my emails like that, because im someone i dont even know at the moment. I am tired, very tired, but its all the memories coming back to me as well. and not being able to have someone to physically talk to. i dont think i could go out today, id fall to pieces.. how long do you think they will be before they get back to me?