1. Community
  2. Mental health
  3. Alcohol Consumption

Depressed and need help

Posted , 12 users are following.

jennie3838
jennie3838

Hi

Sorry I found this forum because I need to hear some advice from people who have perhaps gone through the same thing and can understand how I feel.

My husband is an alcoholic. We have been together 5 years and I have tried everything I can to support him and be there for him. I have gone to the AA with him, left him, stayed with him and supported him, stopped his access to money, stayed off work to help him and nothing helped. I was so depressed and didn't know where to turn any more. We had suffered 3 pregnancy losses and each time my husband just got more depressed and drank even more. I blamed myself. I felt like I couldn't make him happy. At times he blamed me for his drinking. His parents blamed me as they believed him and that he had stopped drinking.

I lived 2 years feeling empty. The alcohol destroyed my sole. I did everything for him. Looked after the house, controlled the money, cleaned him up and stayed up most nights to check he didn't knock himself out. He has been to the hospital 3 times in a year and had numerous ambulances out to see him too. I couldn't live like that any longer. I had sunk into depression myself. I couldn't stop him drinking. We had a great life, good jobs and money and a great relationship and he just drank it all away. So 6 months ago I decided to leave. I couldn't cope anymore. My counsellor advised me to leave for my own well being. I was sick. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I felt like I had turned my back on him when he needed me. But I realised I couldn't cure him. He had to do it for himself. Well last week his heart stopped and he passed away. I cant believe chronic alcholism actually killed him. He was only 30 years old. His parents and friends won't talk to me. I fear they blame me. They think it is my fault because I left him. And now I am living with this terrible guilt. If I had stayed he would probably still be alive right now? They obviously blame me. They think it is my fault he drank. They think i should have been able to make him stop. They couldn't make him stop though so why did they expect me too? I really don't know what to think or do right now. I guess that is why I am reaching out on here. I need some advice. I need something right now....

0 likes, 32 replies

32 Replies

Prev
  • Amberleehansen
    Amberleehansen jennie3838

    Posted

    Jennie, it's not your fault. His parents know it's also not yours. They were simply hopeful you would be his saving grace and of course in reality nobody could be. I am so sorry he passed away. I'm going to be 37 and I also am a chronic alcoholic. I recently quit drinking. I have always been an addiction since I was 18. If it wasn't drugs it was smoking. (I quit both years ago) I was a full blown alcoholic for 6 years. I'm talking drinking a 12 pack of beer a night or sometimes a 5th of tequila etc. nobody could stop me. No matter what was done or said, I would sneak it or just get mad and do it. Point being, he didn't want t to quit. He wasn't ready. Unfortunately his body quit before his mind could. You did everything you could have done and I'm proud of you. Stay strong and it's not your fault. I suggest you cut the rest of his family out of your life because they are toxic and they are enablers. He might have drank due to the fact he knew he always had an out with them if times got too tough. That's why I drank, I always knew I could move home. For once in my life, before I hit bottom I'm going to be a big girl and pull myself up and quit being a drunk spoiled princess. I hope me speaking from the other side of the fence helped

    • helen20833
      helen20833 Amberleehansen

      Posted

      One of the best responses I've ever read. Wonderful, moving, informative narrative without one trace of self-pity, only the fats related in an inspiring manner

      Respect to you

      And best wishes for your future!

      Hang in there girl. You can do it!

      Hugs Helen

    • gwen45436
      gwen45436 Amberleehansen

      Posted

      Thank you Amber for this, this is exactly what this site needs, down right straightforward talking of total positivity.  You nailed the word "enabler" whether they realilsed it or not.

      When I read these posts they make my cry - I have never ever come across such honesty - I am on another forum - but jeez - they don't bare soul like you guys.  Soo commendable and long may it continue.

      jennie, please stay on here - you have found exactly what you need.

      God bless....................G x

  • Misssy2
    Misssy2 jennie3838

    Posted

    Families need someone to blame.

    You are the perfect victim.

    During your loss you should not have to put up with this extra crap!

     

    • gwen45436
      gwen45436 Misssy2

      Posted

      Yes, families can be very cruel for their own interests.  As you get older and wiser you see this. 
  • jennie3838
    jennie3838

    Posted

    I am overwhelmed by the amount of responses I have had on here that I don't even know where I would begin thanking you all. You all have no idea how much you have helped me the past couple of days. It has been so much support to have you all through this time in my life. I just wish I would have posted on here sooner.

    Every day is a struggle right now, his parents didn't even tell me he had passed away. They had his funeral and didnt even tell me, they barely told anybody apart from the family. Now I have to find a way to say goodbye to him in my own way. I know i left him but it doesn't mean I didn't still love him and care for him though. I am not sure why they don't understand that. They told me so many times to leave him when we were together but after I did that they have treat me like scum, like this is all my fault for leaving him. I am sure they think he has died because I left him and he drank himself to death for the last few months, but I like to think it was because I was keeping him alive. I lost track of how many times I stopped him bleeding to death, sleeping outside in the cold or falling out of bed and banging his head. I think I slept with one eye open and one eye shut for the years we were together.

    It has really helped to hear everybody's stories on here, I cannot thank you all enough.

    Lots of love

    Jennie

    • gwen45436
      gwen45436 jennie3838

      Posted

      My god girl, you deserve a medal.  You were his carer personified.  What a truly lovely person you are.  I wonder if they feel guilt - as his parents they probably do and are lashing out at you.  Don't heed this - a mother who feels she did not do enough will lash out - only natural - but at the wrong person. 

      I remember, years ago, when my hubs drank 18 pints of beer 4 times a week with his mates and I hated him and wanted to leave him, but was scared to do so as I was a bit of a shy girl with no confidence, and for various reasons I should have left him.  He wacked me one night and I did not do anything in return.  The next time he did (after 18 pints) I wacked him back (never hit anyone in my life before and still would not) - but I told his Mum (not mine obvs) and she was horrified and begged me to not tell his Dad as it would kill him.  So I never did.  I still carry this grudge to this day. 

      You are very young and are such a caring gentle person, you have a new life to lead, only when  you are ready, the inlaws are grieving and that will slowly ease and then they will realise what an Angel you have been to their boy.  Trust me it will come.

      Now, taken slowly, your steps will go forward and this will be in the past eventually, however long it takes you, you are a pretty special lady, don't forget it.

      G x

    • angela26170
      angela26170 gwen45436

      Posted

      Totally agree with you Gwen,Jennie did more than anyone can be expected to do,and deserves a lot of happiness in the future,no way should she feel guilt not attall,and be proud what she did do for a man who would have went down much sooner without her.I feel part of a wee family of lovely people who have problems they want to overcome.Feel blessed.xx
  • Misssy2
    Misssy2 jennie3838

    Posted

    Oh jennie.

    Im an alcoholic.

    If I die from this...it is not anyones fault.

    There is NOTHING anyone can do to help me.

    Simply..alcohol is more powerful than you...or me...or my kids..or my parents..or my grandchildren..or anything that SHOULD mean anything to me.

    The BEST thing you did for him..was to leave...then he had to find his own way. He couldnt..but that had nothing to do with you leaving him...it had all to do with the alcohol

    If I were to die in my sleep tonight...it is not because someone didn't love me enough..it is not because of all the "problems" I have...it would  be because I drank too much.  And that is what happened to your sweet husband.

    He knew you tried....to love him unconditionally...he knew more than anyone else that you cared.  Don't let these people make YOU feel guilty...all you did was love him.....when possibly they all turned away.

    Don't beat yourself up...you tried...and he died..not due to you..but to a very significant problem that HE had.

    xo

    • angela26170
      angela26170 Misssy2

      Posted

      Oh Missy,what a lovely message,but horrible for you,I feel very emotional reading it,and I know you have struggled so much,I,ve read your ups and downs,wish I could help you,but you are always there to help others,always.Bless! X
    • Amberleehansen
      Amberleehansen angela26170

      Posted

      Thank you. I have bipolar disorder and if I don't take care of myself, the side effect is substance abuse. It runs both sides of my family. I'm doing very well right now and feel wonderful. Thanks for your support smile blessings!

    • Amberleehansen
      Amberleehansen

      Posted

      Sorry this was on the wrong comment string smile

    • helen20833
      helen20833 Misssy2

      Posted

      Aw honey

      You just made my eyes fill with tears!

      such a brave, moving resonse!

      I wish you well, I truly do

  • Robin2015
    Robin2015 jennie3838

    Posted

    HI Jennie. RHGB does a great reply and NO you are not to blame and did what you could and MORE than most. If they blame you it is simply because you are and easy target and this is obviously wrong. We all agree that 30 is a young age but nobody could have stopped him..you did what you could. It will take time to get over his death but you will gradually feel better.....my heart goes out to you...Robin
Back to top
Prev

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.