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I am 21 years old and over the past month my depression and anxiety have developed to the point where I am no longer coping. Every morning I wake up and my heart pounds and my entire body burns at the thought of climbing the huge mountain that is the day ahead of me.
Before it got so bad I had to drop out of college and move home because of acute depression and I thought having nothing to do and being at home with my parents and girlfriend would make life easier and I would be happier. This kind of worked for a while but the novelty quickley wore off and I found myself completely bored everyday with no motivation or desire to do any of the things I used to love doing. As if I abused all the nice things in life to make myself happy and ended up over doing it. My girlfriend also recently moved away for good which effected everything. Thoughts such as the fact that I will never enjoy life again constantly roam around in my head leading to frequent panic attacks. This panic has made it impossible to even think about functioning like a normal human, such as getting a job and new hobbies and getting my life back seems so overwhelming and the depression makes me not want to anyway. I dont see the point and I cant see it making me any happier.
If im this anxious doing nothing at all what would I be like with responsibilities ? But at the same time without any responsibilites its like I invite my mental illness into my head to stay there from when I wake up to when I go to sleep. It is the scariest thing I have ever experienced because there is no cause for it as I am literally doing nothing, and without a cause I cant control it.
I have no life plan and no idea what lies ahead of me and I feel like im stuck in a rut, Im going crazy at home with nothing to do but being trapped in my own head all day and I dont enjoy any of the distractions I used to, but at the same time whenever I try to move out and start a new life, or even think about getting a job, I feel lonely, depressed and pressured. It feels like its not possible for me to get back on my own two feet because I cant even cope in the current position I'm in at home.
It feels like I have run out of options and nowhere left to turn, which has made the anxiety and depression impossible to cope with. Like I have no escape and the rest of my life will be empty.
I have been on 10mg of citalopram for about 5 weeks and I'm seeing a psychologist weekly.
Has anyone had any simular experiences? Any advice or help at all would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for reading- Luke.
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