Depressed Girlfriend asked for Space, says she Can't Trust me...?

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Hello there,

I have been together with my girlfriend just under a year now. With our anniversary coming up soon. We both had some stress the last few months, I have moved house. She is switching jobs. During the past year when she was feeling down, she sometimes wanted her space, and sometimes wanted me to stay and keep her company.

It all started a couple weeks ago, as I was moving into my new home...the last time we saw each other was during Christmas. She didn't fell well after and a little me time (which was partly the job switching and a cold). I may have made too many suggestions trying to see her, and see my new house and that may have added to the stress. But then a week ago, after a pleasant chat on the weekend, she tells me she isn't

feeling to well. When I ask her if I can help; she tells me, that she is under a lot of stress because of me. She wants to take a break because she feels she can't trust me anymore. (The issue in question is that I've told her that I suffered from depression in that past myself). I found ways to accept that part of me, but she thinks I was lying to her and questions my honesty.

That was the last thing I heard from, as well as her wanting to be on a break. I am so confused and lost, I love her so much and want to help, but after sending her message about the issue in question and letting her know I'm there for her with occasional messages. I haven't heard from her since, I am worried this might be end of our relationship.'

I love her, she loves me too. But how can I help her, if she doesn't want my help?

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  • Posted

    It may be better to let her have space, and explore other dating options (or give it a break entirely), but I've found when you don't back off when a girlfriend "needs a break" it drives them straight to someone else / cheating on you.

    This is my experience with 5+ long term relationships, need space/take a break generally means they want out of the relationship, and you don't want to cling at something that isn't there.

    It may not be touchy feely advice for someone with depression, but I've been through it and see it in other relationships today, go find some else who wants and deserves your time.

    Dragging out a break up will only lead to cheating, more pain, no thank you.

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    • Posted

      Thanks for the advice, and part of me has come to except the end of our relationship. But I must say "Thanks but no thanks". I do feel I know her well enough that there is still hope. I am strong enough to let her go, but I do hope there is an alternative. And if she genuinely decides to break up with me, I trust her to do it in a more meaningful way,

      Besides I would never cheat on her, and know she wouldn't either, as this something we both despise, depression or not.

      Thanks for the advice, and it will be noted.

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    • Posted

      People break up maybe not specifically for another, but to explore those options, and to drag out the break up "knowing" her intentions is setting yourself up for some painful lessons in life. Good luck.

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  • Posted

    I think it's open to question just how much help one partner can give another when it comes to depression.

    My personal opinion is not too much. It's only natural that some of the issues of a depressed person who is in a relationship have to do with that relationship so a third party would be necessary, a therapist.

    Is it possible for you to withdraw your concern and allow this thing to play out however it's going to go without trying to obtain satisfaction for yourself?

    I know we're only human and unable to give up our attachment to getting the results we want, but it would be so much more comfortable for you to withdraw a little if you can.

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    • Posted

      It is a double edged sword I have found, my girlfriend can make me feel better if I am having a full blown panic attack, but if she is feeling vindictive she knows my depression is a button available for her to press on to mentally terrorize me.

      She lives with me though and also has depression I believe, sometimes she wants to drive 3 hours away to buy an ice cream cone from some hipster place, and most of the time at home she is borderline terrified to answer the door for a delivery person dropping off food.

      However that being said I also press her buttons back as well at times if she gets under my skin with the mental terrorism, I let her know how shallow and disgusting of a trait that is to be so mentally cruel to any human being, which makes her go hide under a blanket.

      Its not a very healthy relationship, I've honestly been considering "taking a break" and living alone for awhile now, I am not sure I was meant to have a live in girlfriend or wife.

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    • Posted

      I've had thoughts similar, difference is knowing her she'll hate me for it. We don't live together yet, but this is my best chance to show her I understand. in case we move together in the future.

      But thanks for the help, not sure is the best option for me tho.

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    • Posted

      It is difficult and I've accepted the fact I'm the last thing she needs right now. But she has contacted me back since, but after a couple messages back and forth. she's pushed me away again. It is bringing me down slightly, but I hope she can pull through, and hope I haven't annoyed here too much, by messaging here again. 😔

      It doesn't help that I am now on a family holiday I think, and she just told me she still needs space, and enjoy my Holiday. Which is kinda difficult.

      But I think the next time I'll contact her is when I am back home safely.. or is it better for her to reply to me?

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    • Posted

      I'm sorry but I can't answer your question about who should communicate first.

      With all due respect I just need to say again that I feel this is a toxic relationship for you which is draining you dry and, if you're like I was, you're using this relationship as a way of avoiding self-care and self-development.

      You will so thank yourself later in life if you can find the strength and courage to break away.

      I never did break away from my unhealthy relationships and I can tell you that, as a result, I've ruined my whole life.

      Please don't do what I did. Break away and spend some time alone dealing with yourself and your own issues. The results will be a wonderful future for you.

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    • Posted

      Romman I just think that people with depression need time alone to deal with it once and for all and achieve some kind of stability. Then and only then will they be ready for a relationship that's healthy and ready to pick a partner who's not going to sabotage their growth and development.

      I'm sorry but your relationship doesn't sound like healthy one. The reason I know this is because every single partner I've ever had has been very, very unhealthy for me and I used relationships to avoid being alone and dealing with my problems.

      I regret this more than I can tell you.

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  • Posted

    I would say your best option is to give her space and wait for her to contact you and then she might realize how lucky she is to have a man that understands her and is willing to be there to help her through this. As a person who suffers with major depression I would give anything to have my husband be there for me in that way unfortunately for me he has no interest in how I feel and thinks it’s just an excuse I use. In the end it will be her loss and try not to rack your head about why she’s pushing you away too much as it could bring you down yourself it sounds like you’ve tried to do everything you can for her

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    • Posted

      Yes the closest people in my life scoff at my depression, even though they have been present for life medically crushing me into the ground, though everyone who is still alive in my family drinks like fish daily to mask their own depression.

      I've come to accept that no matter what mental health awareness campaigns there are, in my lifetime depression will never be recognized and treated as a serious medical issue, and confiding in some to tell them I have bouts of crippling depression just alienates me. Makes me the butt of a jokes, cause I don't go out drinking constantly, which just snowballs into worsening depression that I'll probably take to my grave.

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  • Posted

    Thanks for the insight, she has contacted me back since, but after a couple messages back and forth. she's pushed me away again. It is bringing me down slightly, but I hope she can pull through, and hope I haven't annoyed here too much, by messaging here again. 😔

    It doesn't help that I am now on a family holiday I think, and she just told me she still needs space, and enjoy my Holiday. Which is kinda difficult.

    But I think the next time I'll contact her is when I am back home safely.. or is it better for her to reply to me?

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    • Posted

      i have the exact same with my ex...

      its like he cant see pass feeling low constantly but he isnt helping himself.

      He constantly is saying he needs to figure out whats going on and he needs to realise what he wants.

      ive tried space, then he gets in contact or i do and we have a few messages and boom, stops dead!

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    • Posted

      Well, we've gone with out texting for a couple days in the past, but not while she was feeling down, and knowing that I just wish there is more I could do. But I hope giving her the space she needs is the best I can do right now, and not lose her in the process.

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    • Posted

      ive gone 2 weeks total but it doesnt seem to change.

      i want to help but i dont know how.

      many i should try the space thing, dont wanna lose him and worried i will completely

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    • Posted

      Mhmm...I've thought about it and I am strong enough to do what needs to be done, but I also know the result will be hard.

      All I can do is wait for now, it may be a toxic relationship atm. I know how it can be, having been through it myself, but I don't want her to suffer like I did.

      She will come back and be her old self, I'm sure. As selfish as it sounds, hopefully she'll still want me by then.

      I also know if I contact her now, it could jeopardize things.

      This is all helping really well, and I know its hard sharing feelings. But right now I appreciate all the help I can get. Guess she might be doing the same.

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    • Posted

      i find it really hard to hold the contact back, even though it is probably best it really scares me that he'll forget how good it can be!

      I am the same, waiting for him to realise once his head is in a better place and come back.

      Its extremely hard to give someone so much love and have them not realise what we had!

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    • Posted

      That's the trouble I'm having, last year I was even thinking of planning a proposal date this year. But sometimes silence is louder than words. The fact that she needs her space and asks for it shows, she doesn't want to hurt me. So I'm sure she still loves me 😊

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    • Posted

      Well I try to keep positive thoughts. I think she we all take help from each other. I've even got her some souvenirs from my Holiday. If we end up breaking up...I have a cute t-shirt up for grabs. 😂

      I was thinking of sending her a postcard. does that count as contacting her, or is it a sweet gesture that might cheer her up?

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    • Posted

      awww bless you.

      i also do stuff like sending cards and whatever...

      im not sure it a postcard would be classed as contacting her, i would imagine it is

      staying positive is so hard at times

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    • Posted

      Well as I mentioned before, Despite our current silence, I realized how much I care for her. We have actually got couple rings (promise rings). I do wish to marry her one day, depression and all. 😊

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    • Posted

      What's the aaaaaargh for, but I guess that best explains some feelings. Hahaha

      I just tend to over worry a bit, and think she may have lost her love towards me. On the other hand we do always love cuddling before we sleep. thats good sign right? 🤔

      Can I help you in return for any advice?

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