Depressed husband doesn't love me anymore and wants to leave.

Posted , 15 users are following.

Over the past couple of months it's come to light that my husband is suffering from depression rooted from things that happened in his childhood. He's got a lot of deep rooted problems he needs to deal with and I'm ready and willing to be there for him and hold his hand the whole way! However, he's recently started to tell me he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't think he ever has. He feels like he's just put on a front and has been 'pretending' with me for our whole relationship because that's what he felt he 'should do'. We've been together 9 years and married for 2 so I'm obviously finding it very difficult to believe our whole relationship has been a lie. My question is, is this the Depression? Do I stick it out and help or do I just walk away?? I don't feel like I should walk I feel like I should fight for my marriage and fight for the husband I had but he just pushes me away!! I don't know what to do... any advice? Xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Hannah.

    I feel your husband's comments & feelings are his depression talking! As depressives we feel selfish & incapable of returning love &; affection, you obviously still love the 'real him' & deep down he will still love you but when down depressives down even love themselves so bear with him & please try to keep supporting him.

    Kindest Regards

    Bon

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply Bon, that's what I am most frightened of, that it's the illness talking and not the way he feels. I don't want to walk away from him when he needs help the most. But he's telling me he wants to leave Cause he doesn't love me anymore. I want to fight to keep him but that's the wrong thing to do if these are his true feelings but how will I ever know for sure! What a mess! Xx

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  • Posted

    Oh Hannah.

    I'm going through the same thing .My partner left me in January, after 20 years .

    He claims he's depressed and anxious

    I took him back 2 weeks ago. I asked him to leave 2 nights ago. I tried to help him but his hard work and refuses to go to the doctor.

    Drinking is not helping him neither it just makes him worse.

    I've been suffering from depression I took myself to the Doctors and got help, but he's to selfish to go.

    Maybe you both need a break, you can still be there and support him.

    I phone my one and check on him and still tell him I love him. Hoping one day I will get back the man I fell in love with

    There is hope but if you love him fight for him. Make sure you put yourself first . It's not easy

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply sandy

      I know this all really is not easy is it! My husband has sought help though he's on meds and on a waiting list for therapy but he's now decided that's it and he wants to leave. I'm devastated to put it lightly I'm just terrified that this isn't his true feelings and it's all stemming from the way he feels. I don't want him to have to go through all this on his own when he has a wife who loves him! All this and being burgled on Saturday night is certainly tipping me over the edge! Hope your okay! Xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Hannah - so sorry to read of your situation and extend sympathies to you in this troubled time. It certainly sounds like the dpression talking - especially since you both have been together for 9 years and married for the last two. I am wondering if your hubby has consulted any doctor, psychiatrist or psychologist about his depressive disorder? If not, that is the place to start. First they might well be meds prescribed to help even out his mood. This is used in conjunction with therapy with a psychologist in a safe place where he can dig out the multiple issues that are the core of his depression. It will take time and will be painful, but it is well worth the effort as he will gather the strength to take control of his life and relegate the past to where it belongs. 

    You can support his efforts. Be prepared for some confronting and emotional aspects that will have you questioning whether you should continue that support. If you cannot handle this, it is not a crime to excuse yourself from the process. If that is the case make it clear to him you are always there and just  phone call away if he needs you. Ultimately the process is up to him and, unfortunately, if he will not avail himself of medical help, his condition and quality of life will not improve.

    I am writing this to you as a survivor of childhood abuse that had me drowning in a life-long depression. I sought help at 45. Now, in my fifties, I found the real breakthrough came when I forgave my abusers, accepted that the abuse was part of my life story, and that those abusers no longer had my permission to poison my life. It has been difficult, but the the most valuable lessons always are. Good luck to you and your husband, Hannah. There is a way out if the sufferer looks for it.

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply Wayne, he has been seeking help he's on medication and on the waiting list for therapy. He's decided now that he wants to leave. There doesn't seem any way to talk him out of this now so it's something I need to accept. All this along with being burgled on Saturday night is certainly pushing me over the edge now too! Thank you and I'm glad your in a good place now x

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  • Posted

    Hi Hannah,

    I feel your pain.  And I can relate to both sides of it to a degree.  I love my wife (I'm the one with the depression issues), but it gets deep sometimes when I feel like I'm drowning.  She is not very supportive, when I get down, she does the "tough love" angle and tells me to suck it up.  I have felt many times like your husband must feel, like I need to just get out and affirm the sadness in my soul, but I do love her. 

    Is there a chance that is what he is doing?  He is so down that he is "lashing out" so that he can validate his sadness with a failed relationship?

    I hope you find a workable solution.  Love should be real and warm, not riddled with pain and not knowing.

    Many blessings to you

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  • Posted

    Hey Hannah. I know you posted this sometime ago but I'm going through the exact same situation right now ...minus the fact that we are married... and I'm really struggling. I wanted to know how you are going ?

    My partner has severe depression and anxiety. He's tried to end his life several times . I even called the police once as I was so desperate to save his life and ended up getting him arrested in the process as he unfortunately had substances on him . We have been through hell and back and I've done my best to support him .. therapy .. meds ... he has no relationship with his family. I am his family. He does drink and use substances occasionally .. I guess you would say he doesn't really help himself and now I'm being dumped out of the blue. We have arguments .. He's extremely emotional sometimes.. but we always make up. He now tells me relationships shouldnt be that hard. I want to scream and tell him it's hard because you have a mental illness and will be hard no matter who you're with. But I don't. I hate he tried to make out it's just us not suiting. We were moving to Australia together in a few months and now he's decided he's going alone .. he was going to live with me for another few months until his flight left because we have a family together ..not kids but animals..dont laugh but it really did feel like a family. He also said he would get some space in Sydney and said I should move over any way despite the beak up and see where we are at. He said we would probably end up back together.. he always gives me hope .. and takes it away ...few months back he broke up with me then told me a few hours later he would be stupid to give me up because I'm incredible and he loves me. I re read the messages when he says horrible things because they give me hope . I can't keep up and I feel totally and utterly broken and confused. He's decided to cut all ties with me as of right now and is leaving the country this week . I'm incredibly heartbroken as I feel as though I have invested so much into this relationship and wanted him to be my future. We were starting a business together.. live together .. He's my best friend and my love. ..its hard to believe it's someone's depression talking when they get so cruel. He's being pretty awful .. but it feels like it's just to get me to move on as he still slots in the old you will find someone else better line. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be with out him. I spend every day with him and planned my future with him . It's like they are dieing ... any support is greatly appreciated... I don't want to get out of bed sad

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  • Posted

    This is something I too am experiencing, the love of my life for two and a half years has left and won't be coming back. He says he loves me but doesn't feel anything and doesn't want me hanging around because he doesn't know if he'll get through it. He has had so many external stress factors and has expressed a wish to die. He says he wouldn't do it but that he dreams of dying and is upset when he wakes up alive. At first he said he loves me very much but now he says speaking with me confuses him and he's cut me out. I've had my own issues with anxiety and insecurities and he claims that this is partly down to him and his mental health. He then told me he couldn't deal with issues in his relationship and I feel guilt and shame for my own mental health affecting him. Depression affects everyone around the person suffering and it takes us all down with it. We can't see why they want to leave and probably we can't admit they've checked out. We had plans to marry and have a family, we were looking for a house to buy and set up our life together. Now it's all gone and he is cold and saying hurtful things. He won't accept help as he's suffered this for years and counselling and cbt haven't worked in the past. He's on Meds but I don't think they are right for him. Ive asked him to go to the Drs but so far he hasn't. I feel humiliated and hurt beyond belief and I've tried so hard to be understanding, reading everything I can about the illness and how to deal with it. I've offered support and encouragement, engaged him in walks and activities which he always thanks me for. We were speaking every day and spending time together, being intimate and talking openly. The darkness has however taken grip and he just wants isolation. I'm taking a step back to give him space but I'm completely lost without him. I need to give up but somehow I can't do it. I hope you all stay strong because this is a cold and lonely place to be x

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    • Posted

      There's a really good website called storied mind which may help you. I wish I'd found it a year ago as it's helped me understand so much of what goes thru a depressed persons mind. My ex is gone from me forever, I have to accept that now as much as it hurts. I didn't understand and I couldn't cope with the stress. I pushed him away when he needed me because I was too stressed and too exhausted to give him what he needed. I got lost in the sense that I could never do enough, they need so much love and tenderness that I found myself drained. It's hard to be tender with someone who shouts in your face and tells you they don't feel anything. I wish you well and really hope your husband gets the help he needs. If you can get thru to him and get him to seek professional help it may make all the difference. I'd also recommend getting counselling yourself as it really does help to talk to someone impartial and be truly honest about your own feelings. Take good care of yourself x

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  • Posted

    Hi, I know this was posted a year ago. I hope you’re doing ok. My husband is depressed and angry. He tells me he hates everything and doesn’t want to do anything. That life is a joke.  Some days he’ll feel better but it’s rough to hear these things. I’m trying to do everything I can to be supportive. I just want my husband back.  I’m scared and alone and just don’t know what to do anymore. 
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    • Posted

      Hi gl1112 - sorry to read you are suffering. Has your husband consulted a doctor about his depression? If not, that's the place to start. The rage will not solve anything and may result in serious health conditions. If he is being medicated for depression, a tweak of the dosage or a change in meds may be required. 

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