Depressed husband doesn't love me anymore and wants to leave.

Hi Hannah.

I feel your husband's comments & feelings are his depression talking! As depressives we feel selfish & incapable of returning love &; affection, you obviously still love the 'real him' & deep down he will still love you but when down depressives down even love themselves so bear with him & please try to keep supporting him.

Kindest Regards

Bon

Oh Hannah.

I'm going through the same thing .My partner left me in January, after 20 years .

He claims he's depressed and anxious

I took him back 2 weeks ago. I asked him to leave 2 nights ago. I tried to help him but his hard work and refuses to go to the doctor.

Drinking is not helping him neither it just makes him worse.

I've been suffering from depression I took myself to the Doctors and got help, but he's to selfish to go.

Maybe you both need a break, you can still be there and support him.

I phone my one and check on him and still tell him I love him. Hoping one day I will get back the man I fell in love with

There is hope but if you love him fight for him. Make sure you put yourself first . It's not easy

Hi Hannah - so sorry to read of your situation and extend sympathies to you in this troubled time. It certainly sounds like the dpression talking - especially since you both have been together for 9 years and married for the last two. I am wondering if your hubby has consulted any doctor, psychiatrist or psychologist about his depressive disorder? If not, that is the place to start. First they might well be meds prescribed to help even out his mood. This is used in conjunction with therapy with a psychologist in a safe place where he can dig out the multiple issues that are the core of his depression. It will take time and will be painful, but it is well worth the effort as he will gather the strength to take control of his life and relegate the past to where it belongs. 

You can support his efforts. Be prepared for some confronting and emotional aspects that will have you questioning whether you should continue that support. If you cannot handle this, it is not a crime to excuse yourself from the process. If that is the case make it clear to him you are always there and just  phone call away if he needs you. Ultimately the process is up to him and, unfortunately, if he will not avail himself of medical help, his condition and quality of life will not improve.

I am writing this to you as a survivor of childhood abuse that had me drowning in a life-long depression. I sought help at 45. Now, in my fifties, I found the real breakthrough came when I forgave my abusers, accepted that the abuse was part of my life story, and that those abusers no longer had my permission to poison my life. It has been difficult, but the the most valuable lessons always are. Good luck to you and your husband, Hannah. There is a way out if the sufferer looks for it.

Hi Hannah,

I feel your pain.  And I can relate to both sides of it to a degree.  I love my wife (I'm the one with the depression issues), but it gets deep sometimes when I feel like I'm drowning.  She is not very supportive, when I get down, she does the "tough love" angle and tells me to suck it up.  I have felt many times like your husband must feel, like I need to just get out and affirm the sadness in my soul, but I do love her. 

Is there a chance that is what he is doing?  He is so down that he is "lashing out" so that he can validate his sadness with a failed relationship?

I hope you find a workable solution.  Love should be real and warm, not riddled with pain and not knowing.

Many blessings to you

Hey Hannah. I know you posted this sometime ago but I'm going through the exact same situation right now ...minus the fact that we are married... and I'm really struggling. I wanted to know how you are going ?

My partner has severe depression and anxiety. He's tried to end his life several times . I even called the police once as I was so desperate to save his life and ended up getting him arrested in the process as he unfortunately had substances on him . We have been through hell and back and I've done my best to support him .. therapy .. meds ... he has no relationship with his family. I am his family. He does drink and use substances occasionally .. I guess you would say he doesn't really help himself and now I'm being dumped out of the blue. We have arguments .. He's extremely emotional sometimes.. but we always make up. He now tells me relationships shouldnt be that hard. I want to scream and tell him it's hard because you have a mental illness and will be hard no matter who you're with. But I don't. I hate he tried to make out it's just us not suiting. We were moving to Australia together in a few months and now he's decided he's going alone .. he was going to live with me for another few months until his flight left because we have a family together ..not kids but animals..dont laugh but it really did feel like a family. He also said he would get some space in Sydney and said I should move over any way despite the beak up and see where we are at. He said we would probably end up back together.. he always gives me hope .. and takes it away ...few months back he broke up with me then told me a few hours later he would be stupid to give me up because I'm incredible and he loves me. I re read the messages when he says horrible things because they give me hope . I can't keep up and I feel totally and utterly broken and confused. He's decided to cut all ties with me as of right now and is leaving the country this week . I'm incredibly heartbroken as I feel as though I have invested so much into this relationship and wanted him to be my future. We were starting a business together.. live together .. He's my best friend and my love. ..its hard to believe it's someone's depression talking when they get so cruel. He's being pretty awful .. but it feels like it's just to get me to move on as he still slots in the old you will find someone else better line. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be with out him. I spend every day with him and planned my future with him . It's like they are dieing ... any support is greatly appreciated... I don't want to get out of bed

This is something I too am experiencing, the love of my life for two and a half years has left and won't be coming back. He says he loves me but doesn't feel anything and doesn't want me hanging around because he doesn't know if he'll get through it. He has had so many external stress factors and has expressed a wish to die. He says he wouldn't do it but that he dreams of dying and is upset when he wakes up alive. At first he said he loves me very much but now he says speaking with me confuses him and he's cut me out. I've had my own issues with anxiety and insecurities and he claims that this is partly down to him and his mental health. He then told me he couldn't deal with issues in his relationship and I feel guilt and shame for my own mental health affecting him. Depression affects everyone around the person suffering and it takes us all down with it. We can't see why they want to leave and probably we can't admit they've checked out. We had plans to marry and have a family, we were looking for a house to buy and set up our life together. Now it's all gone and he is cold and saying hurtful things. He won't accept help as he's suffered this for years and counselling and cbt haven't worked in the past. He's on Meds but I don't think they are right for him. Ive asked him to go to the Drs but so far he hasn't. I feel humiliated and hurt beyond belief and I've tried so hard to be understanding, reading everything I can about the illness and how to deal with it. I've offered support and encouragement, engaged him in walks and activities which he always thanks me for. We were speaking every day and spending time together, being intimate and talking openly. The darkness has however taken grip and he just wants isolation. I'm taking a step back to give him space but I'm completely lost without him. I need to give up but somehow I can't do it. I hope you all stay strong because this is a cold and lonely place to be x

Hi, I know this was posted a year ago. I hope you’re doing ok. My husband is depressed and angry. He tells me he hates everything and doesn’t want to do anything. That life is a joke.  Some days he’ll feel better but it’s rough to hear these things. I’m trying to do everything I can to be supportive. I just want my husband back.  I’m scared and alone and just don’t know what to do anymore. 

i know this is an old thread but i can see there have been recent discussions

my husband of 5 years (partner of 10) recently told me he didn't love me anymore, didn't find me attractive and that he didn't want to be with me anymore. This obviously left me heartbroken. he served in iraq and afghan and has been out of the army for 6 years. we have been trying to conceive for the last 4 years and have unexplained infertility.

he recently decided on a new career claiming that being on civvy street wasnt exciting enough for him and with my support, despite wanting to start a family, agreed that he would retrain in close protection work meaning he would be away for 2-3 months at a time in middle eastern countries.

During his month long training course he cheated on me - i found out only once he got back and he told me only by text message. he claims that he did this because he was unhappy and has been for sometime. he slept with a woman twice, unprotected, the second time just 2 days before coming home and sleeping with me unprotected too.

whilst we don't have the family we long for, i consider us to both have a good life - good health, good jobs, nice house, good families, no money worries, nice holidays.

he is a very closed book kind of person. i suggested he might have PTSD but he's in denial and feel that he cheated on me to push me away, as a coping mechanism. i'm meanwhile left in complete shock and disbelief that the person whom i thought i would spend the rest of my life with could treat me with such little respect and could be so cowardly in not even telling me to my face.

it has been 6 weeks and i'm still in shock. some days i'm so hurt about whats happened and others i miss him and want to be there for him as i think he has clearly got some sort of mental issue as this behavior is so out of character for him.

he has told me that he doesnt love me, want to be with me, doesnt find me attractive and wants to sell the house and get a divorce. i have obviously spoken at great length to my family and close friends about this which he will know i have done so fear that now even if he did change his mind, and or seek the help he needs, that he would be too proud to come back and be ashamed of his behavior.

I am therefore in the process of selling our home and trying to get over such a trauma but what if this is PTSD - i feel so helpless and heartless that i am not helping but feel so hurt that he pushed me away in such a hurtful and disrespectful way.

sorry for the long one! its all so raw and painful! 😢