Depressed husband doesn't love me anymore and wants to leave.
Posted , 20 users are following.
Over the past couple of months it's come to light that my husband is suffering from depression rooted from things that happened in his childhood. He's got a lot of deep rooted problems he needs to deal with and I'm ready and willing to be there for him and hold his hand the whole way! However, he's recently started to tell me he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't think he ever has. He feels like he's just put on a front and has been 'pretending' with me for our whole relationship because that's what he felt he 'should do'. We've been together 9 years and married for 2 so I'm obviously finding it very difficult to believe our whole relationship has been a lie. My question is, is this the Depression? Do I stick it out and help or do I just walk away?? I don't feel like I should walk I feel like I should fight for my marriage and fight for the husband I had but he just pushes me away!! I don't know what to do... any advice? Xx
1 like, 20 replies
emma25582 hannah88278
Posted
hi all....its comforting to a degree to know there are others out there experiencing something similar. a little update as to where I am at now 8 months later...
we found our way back together. my stability and persistence showed him how lucky he was to have me. we made plans to move to the Cayman islands together, he was still going alone initially in April. and I would follow in September. despite the break up in Feb we really reconnected and by time he left in April we were in a good place. however as soon as he was away the distance took its toll and his paranoia and passive aggressiveness set in. and two months into him being gone my mother found out she had cancer and she told me she had known for some time but thought I had too much on my plate with him so didn't tell me immediately. I was devastated. and it hit me like a tonne of bricks that things were never going to get better. we were in a constant vicious cycle of being okay until his next break down. I wanted us to work desperately but he wasn't even trying. he was running away from his problems to another country where we would have no support..he wasn't seeing a psychologist..he was still drinking and taking drugs... so I told him I needed a break to focus on family and when he was finally taking his mental health seriously I would be there for him. he flew home instantly and cancelled the move. but I needed more than just the gesture, I need him to prove himself, and make positive changes, so I stood my ground. however instead of making those changes he just got progressively worse. he ran away and claimed he was going to end it so I had to go find him because no one else would. I kept dropping everything for him even though he knew my mum was really sick and I really needed to be there for her. we stayed in limbo for sometime until he begged me to block him on everything so he could focus on himself. I agreed. but this did not stop him from attacking me if he saw that I was moving on with my life. he would send me horrible messages and even threaten my life. then would take it all back a day later. then things got worse ... he made several very serious attempts at his life last month. he left notes and a will.. everything to me surprisingly even though I would be the first person he would attack in moments of distress. the second one was so bad that he was committed into a psychiatric ward and after two days of being there after he hadn't spoken a word to anyone and refused to eat or get out of bed they called me down. sure enough, I was the only one who could snap him out of it. seeing him there is probably one of the most heart breaking things I've ever seen. I'll never forget it. I spent several days cooking him food and simply just being with him. encouraging him to find a way forward. we even said if we could find a way to have a functional and healthy relationship we would do that once he was out of there. I also made sure he understood the damage that this year has had on me. hes not the only one whose had to live through this, so have I. I need time to heal. I thought we were making progress. he was diagnosed with boarderline personality disorder. things were finally starting to make more sense. however two weeks later, he had already been released and was back living with a friend, he snapped again. he saw a minor comment from someone on my social media and thought I was seeing someone else.he lost it and sent all kinds of unimaginable threats. I told him never to speak to me again. it's been a couple of weeks now. hes been uploading pictures of his wrists slashed and saying it would be all my fault if he died. hes like a different person. hes completely lost his mind and the person I knew is well and truly gone. it's the most horrible feeling wanting someone who doesn't exist anymore. I've been doing my best to get through each day and not look back but I miss him so much. I often torture myself with old videos, photos and memories. sometimes love isn't enough. and I would love to be able to write on here that there was a happy ending but mental illnesses are so incredibly tough for everyone involved. if only we knew sooner what we were dealing with. he had been wrongly diagnosed with depression and anxiety for 27 years, when really he had BPD. all I can say is get professional help. and get a second opinions. don't try and deal with it on your own 😦
sam18386 hannah88278
Posted
Hi Hannah, it sounds like your poor husband has lost his spark, you could try to speak to your doctor and say how concerned you are for him, you may need support to whilst you help him! I would do that, he may hate you initially but he will eventually realise why you did that.
barb06049 hannah88278
Posted
My husband of 4 years (together for 10) just sat me down tonight and we had this talk. he said he loves me but he's not sure I'm his person and it breaks his heart. he's definitely been struggling with depression lately and can't pinpoint where the "romantical" connection went. I've been up for hours sobbing. I pray you all have found some peace.
helen67294 hannah88278
Posted
Hi I appreciate that this thread was a long time ago but wondering what the outcome was - my partner of 13 years/husband of 4 has recently told me he doesnt love me or find me attractive and hes left and cut off all contact with me
hes been depressed throughout our relationship, he has childhood issues. i'm floored by the situation, he was only telling me that he still loved me a couple of months ago
just wondering whether theres any hope of his love returning
stefan26325 helen67294
Posted
Hi Helen, I am not sure if your husbands actions came from depression or other issues and I don't know your husband but I am a man and hopefully can give some insight and help. Most of us are usually very stable emotionally and do suppress a lot of experiences and emotions, not necessarily due to society but because it doesn't fit with our internal drive to provide and protect. Being lost in emotion doesn't really help with protecting and rational thinking which we prize as vital. Thus we are able to slowly process traumas and events in our lives over a long period of time. However, judging by your husband irrational actions, I think your husband's trauma was too big to be processed with time and it has grown to a level where he has to face it at this time. As I said we are very emotionally stable so if a period of instability occurs and we can't use rational thinking or protect and provide it flips our whole world. Think of your core strengths being taken away, you will be left searching for something outside of your comfort zone and might even blame your current situation for what is happening. If he is able to heal himself, the good news is that with time he might incorporate a lot of his previous life into the new healed self, the bad news is that things will definitely not be the same. I cannot give you any suggestions on what to do, he will have to contact for some things in life, taxes, kids, not sure if you have any, legal issues, car registration . .. etc. At that contact point, I would suggest, don't try to fix him, just let him know, " I am still here waiting on you to come back, let me know what you need", let him feel that his former life is a safe place to come back and is not filled with emotion, arguments and anger, and if you can handle that communication without much emotion I think that would help. If and when he is back there will be plenty of time to relay your emotions and for him to open up, but there is no use to be angry at him he might be in a much more difficult emotional situation then you are right now and anger will not bring him back.