Depressed husband doesn't love me anymore and wants to leave.

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Over the past couple of months it's come to light that my husband is suffering from depression rooted from things that happened in his childhood. He's got a lot of deep rooted problems he needs to deal with and I'm ready and willing to be there for him and hold his hand the whole way! However, he's recently started to tell me he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't think he ever has. He feels like he's just put on a front and has been 'pretending' with me for our whole relationship because that's what he felt he 'should do'. We've been together 9 years and married for 2 so I'm obviously finding it very difficult to believe our whole relationship has been a lie. My question is, is this the Depression? Do I stick it out and help or do I just walk away?? I don't feel like I should walk I feel like I should fight for my marriage and fight for the husband I had but he just pushes me away!! I don't know what to do... any advice? Xx

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  • Posted

    i know this is an old thread but i can see there have been recent discussions

    my husband of 5 years (partner of 10) recently told me he didn't love me anymore, didn't find me attractive and that he didn't want to be with me anymore. This obviously left me heartbroken. he served in iraq and afghan and has been out of the army for 6 years. we have been trying to conceive for the last 4 years and have unexplained infertility.

    he recently decided on a new career claiming that being on civvy street wasnt exciting enough for him and with my support, despite wanting to start a family, agreed that he would retrain in close protection work meaning he would be away for 2-3 months at a time in middle eastern countries.

    During his month long training course he cheated on me - i found out only once he got back and he told me only by text message. he claims that he did this because he was unhappy and has been for sometime. he slept with a woman twice, unprotected, the second time just 2 days before coming home and sleeping with me unprotected too.

    whilst we don't have the family we long for, i consider us to both have a good life - good health, good jobs, nice house, good families, no money worries, nice holidays.

    he is a very closed book kind of person. i suggested he might have PTSD but he's in denial and feel that he cheated on me to push me away, as a coping mechanism. i'm meanwhile left in complete shock and disbelief that the person whom i thought i would spend the rest of my life with could treat me with such little respect and could be so cowardly in not even telling me to my face.

    it has been 6 weeks and i'm still in shock. some days i'm so hurt about whats happened and others i miss him and want to be there for him as i think he has clearly got some sort of mental issue as this behavior is so out of character for him.

    he has told me that he doesnt love me, want to be with me, doesnt find me attractive and wants to sell the house and get a divorce. i have obviously spoken at great length to my family and close friends about this which he will know i have done so fear that now even if he did change his mind, and or seek the help he needs, that he would be too proud to come back and be ashamed of his behavior.

    I am therefore in the process of selling our home and trying to get over such a trauma but what if this is PTSD - i feel so helpless and heartless that i am not helping but feel so hurt that he pushed me away in such a hurtful and disrespectful way.

    sorry for the long one! its all so raw and painful! 😢

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    • Posted

      Hi Laura - so sorry to read you are suffering like this. I would suggest that if he isn't prepared to tackle his PTSD then there's not much you can do for him. Sleeping with another woman - twice, and unprotected - is a behaviour not to be excused just because he chose the profession that he has. Sounds like he likes the risk and danger. Looks like he's made his position clear. Follow through with what has been decided. If he comes back later, you can reassess things then. Meanwhile, try not to diminish or suspend your life. Keep talking about it with family and friends - their support is what will help you through. War has consequences off the battlefield too - glorifying it to the young is unconscionable.

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  • Posted

    hi all....its comforting to a degree to know there are others out there experiencing something similar. a little update as to where I am at now 8 months later...

    we found our way back together. my stability and persistence showed him how lucky he was to have me. we made plans to move to the Cayman islands together, he was still going alone initially in April. and I would follow in September. despite the break up in Feb we really reconnected and by time he left in April we were in a good place. however as soon as he was away the distance took its toll and his paranoia and passive aggressiveness set in. and two months into him being gone my mother found out she had cancer and she told me she had known for some time but thought I had too much on my plate with him so didn't tell me immediately. I was devastated. and it hit me like a tonne of bricks that things were never going to get better. we were in a constant vicious cycle of being okay until his next break down. I wanted us to work desperately but he wasn't even trying. he was running away from his problems to another country where we would have no support..he wasn't seeing a psychologist..he was still drinking and taking drugs... so I told him I needed a break to focus on family and when he was finally taking his mental health seriously I would be there for him. he flew home instantly and cancelled the move. but I needed more than just the gesture, I need him to prove himself, and make positive changes, so I stood my ground. however instead of making those changes he just got progressively worse. he ran away and claimed he was going to end it so I had to go find him because no one else would. I kept dropping everything for him even though he knew my mum was really sick and I really needed to be there for her. we stayed in limbo for sometime until he begged me to block him on everything so he could focus on himself. I agreed. but this did not stop him from attacking me if he saw that I was moving on with my life. he would send me horrible messages and even threaten my life. then would take it all back a day later. then things got worse ... he made several very serious attempts at his life last month. he left notes and a will.. everything to me surprisingly even though I would be the first person he would attack in moments of distress. the second one was so bad that he was committed into a psychiatric ward and after two days of being there after he hadn't spoken a word to anyone and refused to eat or get out of bed they called me down. sure enough, I was the only one who could snap him out of it. seeing him there is probably one of the most heart breaking things I've ever seen. I'll never forget it. I spent several days cooking him food and simply just being with him. encouraging him to find a way forward. we even said if we could find a way to have a functional and healthy relationship we would do that once he was out of there. I also made sure he understood the damage that this year has had on me. hes not the only one whose had to live through this, so have I. I need time to heal. I thought we were making progress. he was diagnosed with boarderline personality disorder. things were finally starting to make more sense. however two weeks later, he had already been released and was back living with a friend, he snapped again. he saw a minor comment from someone on my social media and thought I was seeing someone else.he lost it and sent all kinds of unimaginable threats. I told him never to speak to me again. it's been a couple of weeks now. hes been uploading pictures of his wrists slashed and saying it would be all my fault if he died. hes like a different person. hes completely lost his mind and the person I knew is well and truly gone. it's the most horrible feeling wanting someone who doesn't exist anymore. I've been doing my best to get through each day and not look back but I miss him so much. I often torture myself with old videos, photos and memories. sometimes love isn't enough. and I would love to be able to write on here that there was a happy ending but mental illnesses are so incredibly tough for everyone involved. if only we knew sooner what we were dealing with. he had been wrongly diagnosed with depression and anxiety for 27 years, when really he had BPD. all I can say is get professional help. and get a second opinions. don't try and deal with it on your own 😦

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  • Posted

    Hi Hannah, it sounds like your poor husband has lost his spark, you could try to speak to your doctor and say how concerned you are for him, you may need support to whilst you help him! I would do that, he may hate you initially but he will eventually realise why you did that.

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