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Depressed partner of 4 years has left me

Posted , 17 users are following.

sian63173
sian63173

Hi All,

I am writing as I have been left completely heart broken and confused about what has happened to me and i need some help trying to understand or comprehend why this has happened.

When i met my partner 4 years ago he told me very early on that he had suffered from depression. Having had a mother and a sister both fighting the the disease, i had had some experience of depression and it didn't bother me. For the first year it didn't really affect our relationship and everything was great. As things got more serious and responsibilities started to arrive (moving in together) symptoms began to show. First he really struggled to hold down a job. He would start and very quickly hate it, leaving a few weeks or months later. Each time he would swear that he had just picked the wrong job- but the problems were always with the same thing- meeting new people and feeling paranoid about what people were saying about him. 

He also began becoming extremely resistant to socialising. We often argued for weeks leading up to the event only for him to refuse to go on the day. The times I won the arguement and he came he would always turn round half way through the evening and thank me for dragging him out, because he was having such a good time and he had pictured that it would be awful. 

A year ago we bought a house- he had aspiration to be a property developer and so we bought a really run down house. He loved it. We then got a dog. I  was so nervous as i was scared about what would happen if we might break up, but he was brilliant telling me that we never would break up and that he loved me and that I was the best thing in his life. 

We always communicated in the relationship- he would tell me if he had had a bad day and any problems we sat down and discussed. We told each other we loved each other everyday and i would often ask him if he was happy with us, to which he would reply that our relationship was the only good thing in his life and the thing that got him through everything else.

2 weeks before Christmas we had an arguement. I thought it would be like every other arguement we had- it wasnt particularly big but instead he rung me to tell me he didn;t want a relationship anymore. The day before he had said that he loved me and was so happy with us. The same day he quit his job. moved back to his parents and booked a trip to Sweden. He spent christmas and our anniversary in Sweden- posting all his pictures on facebook for me and my family to see of him chatting up girls.

I don't understand he was depressed had social anxiety- but now hes broken up with me he is able to go out speak to girls go travelling, things i encouraged him to do, begged him to do when we were together, but that he refused to do. Nothing changed in the relationship just one day he decided to give up our whole lives. He now says he loves me but that he needs time and he cant guarentee that after that time he will be back.

Is this behaviour his depression? If it is as the person that loves him the most in the world, I should be there for him and forgive him for all of this? Will he come back? Please any help... I don't know what to do

2 likes, 37 replies

37 Replies

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  • nick34171
    nick34171 sian63173

    Posted

    I'd say kick his ar*e. I'm ill, have social problems too but i'd never sap the life out of someone and do that. You should be in a relationship where someone respects you, not because you are playing shrink to their needs but for who you are, you sound like a nice, kind woman, i hope you find a way forward through it all.
  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 sian63173

    Posted

    Hi sian, I am so sorry to hear what has happened...

    As you don't know the reason why your partner left, it is possible ( if you. Feel able to ) leave the friendship open, then maybe he will explain, he might even want to return....

    Quite often people do things out of character, out of sheer and utter panic, ....believe me I have many a time ( because of an alcohol problem ) and I was lucky my husband always understood.... anyway if he changes his mind it would help if he knew that you would be willing to listen..

    I hope that things work out for you, keep your chin up, kind regards to you, Deirdre xxx

  • sian63173
    sian63173

    Posted

    Hi All,

    Thank you so much for replying it means a lot. Sarah812 he was doing a job he particularly hated at the time. He started CBT and then stopped going and I was struggling to keep the bills up myself. So the pressure was on for him to find another job to quit the last. Before he had always quit his job and we could afford to live in the interim, but this time we were reliant on the money. I know this put the pressure on him, and he was resisting hard- saying he was looking for jobs but not proactively doing it and I know why but it was so hard as I couldnt do anything, and i couldnt take the pressure away because we had a house.

    I've tried talking to him recently but he just shuts off, goes into robot mode and just says over and over again that he needs to do this with him. That he loves me, hes not sure that he is in love with me and that he needs 6 months to a years time before he knows what he will what, and he cant guarentee that at the end of it it will be me that he wants.

    I get that he cant give me more than that and that is how he feels but I have been put in this impossible limbo. Icant move on because i think there might be a chance. I cant grieve because there is nothing to grieve about yet. The pain of all of this is impossible and its never ending. Just when I think ive started going through the process Im right back at square 1.

    He was my best friend, I was his. It what made us work. And overnight Ive lost that- we barely speak, only speak for us to sort out the bills and the finances. I for the first time in 4 years no nothing about what he is thinking, feeling and in his greatest hour of need I am not there because he wont let me be.

    I go through being upset, devasted, angry, embarrassed (i begin to think its because of the way i look or am, that stopped finding me attractive, that caused all this). I saw him the other day and he was on cloud nne having just got back from Sweden, therefore I have cut all contact for a week or two because I know right now is not the best time for us to talk.

    • loxie
      loxie sian63173

      Posted

      Sian, sorry if this sounds harsh but - 'move on'.  He's got his own issues and they aren't going away anytime soon.  He's unsettled and being in a stable relationship just isn't something he can manage.  He's hurt you but he's probably going to hurt himself more in the long term.  No matter how hard it is, get over him and find someone much more stable if you really want a settled and happy partnership, because that's something you'll never have with him unfortunately.  
    • UK-Ven-medicate
      UK-Ven-medicate loxie

      Posted

      Unless he can categorical answer why he did it and that is acceptable to you then I am sorry i would move on. I have been left by ex wife with kids and we weren't getting on and my depression was partly due to her so whilst it hurt me to agree it did make sense for the family not to be in such a stressful atmosphere.

      I hate being divorced in one sense nut in another its what was perhaps best, it takes time thou to accept and come to terms with it

    • KezzaNoon
      KezzaNoon sian63173

      Posted

      Hi sian I was going to suggest he suffered with low self esteem as he flits from job to job and gets paranoid etc that people are talking about him. I suffer badly from this you see so I can relate to it. I was also going to suggest maybe he felt inferior to you , depressed people often feel weak compared to others. Also another thing might be that he doesn't feel in control of his life; not being able to hold s job down etc....the list is endless!

      I read the paragraph regarding waiting for him and I have to admit, if you were a friend of mine, I would say move on but easier said than done. Until he opens up and tells you the deaper stuff and be honest with you, you don't stand a chance of guessing what's going on in his head.

      Surround yourself with people you love, people that care for you.

      I feel for you - you must be devastated. X

    • Sarah812
      Sarah812 sian63173

      Posted

      I am so sorry to hear this. The fact that he is telling you he needs 6-12 months is odd and kind of suspicious. I am starting to wonder if he met someone online and that's why he went to Sweden. He probably thinks he found someone who is perfect who can make him happy forever. Of course if and when he ever gets into another real relationship with someone he will discover she is human and nowhere near as good as you. But it will be too late. Sian, I am sorry but he is not coming back. I am very sorry. I read Tarot cards and they confirmed my feeling on this (twice). I am very, very sorry for you. I agree with Ioxie, he is too unstable for a real relationship. Please take some time and allow yourself to grieve. It is not because of you or how you look -- it is how he feels, that he cannot deal with real issues and has run away to fantasy. 
    • deirdre._03652
      deirdre._03652 Sarah812

      Posted

      Hi Sarah, I am sure that you mean well, but your comment on the tarot cards reading is not really helpful..... I can never understand how anyone can possibly believe that anyone's future is shown in a pack of cards... you cannot take hope away from someone because you read a ( pack of cards )...nobody knows the future, but we can and should always hope for the best.... sincere regards, Deirdre..
  • UK-Ven-medicate
    UK-Ven-medicate sian63173

    Posted

    ian how are things panning out after a few days?
    • sian63173
      sian63173 UK-Ven-medicate

      Posted

      Hey Jimmy,

      I'm struggling quite hard. Lots of people who know us both have told me of how shocked they are that we are no longer together. We used to go everywhere together and I think people believed we were for life.

      The hardest thing is that apparently he is still in love with me but has told people he just had to get away? Does that mean I pushed him too hard? I don't know how to cope with knowing he is sad that this is over. He ended it and hasn't tried to get me back so how can he be upset. If we both love each other why can we not be together? I don't understand

    • UK-Ven-medicate
      UK-Ven-medicate sian63173

      Posted

      I hear what your saying and I agree he saying  what he saying as he is feeling guilty, if he felt that he still loved you he be trying to sort it out. I think Sian you need to just take a deep breath and I am sure what ever life throws at you you will decide best on merit what to do
    • sian63173
      sian63173 UK-Ven-medicate

      Posted

      Hi Jimmy,

      Thank you. You right. I'm trying my best to just live each moment and try and not look forward as the minute I do I get so panicky and anxious.

      When I was at uni I had some counselling because I was struggling to cope with my mothers depression. I learnt about mindfulness and I am trying my best to use this but I was never very good at it and now things are even more confusing I'm finding it hard not to get overwhelmed.

      I somehow feel that what I do now is detrimental to what happens next and that scares me as I have no idea what to say or do. I haven't spoken to him for 2 weeks now and it physically aches as I miss having him around. He was my best mate and I literally feel like I'm dealing with a bereavement.

  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 sian63173

    Posted

    Dear sian, never give up hope xx he may well just be going through a phase that he needs to get out of his system.... let him know that you are still there to support him and you still care for him... in the meantime do something nice for you xx maybe, buy a new outfit or have a new hairstyle, but pamper yourself, and try to eat and sleep well... I truly wish you all the best, take care, big hugs Deirdre xx
  • sarah12391
    sarah12391 sian63173

    Posted

    Hi Sian, I am so sorry to hear wot you have been thro, I know it is extremely heartbreaking! I am suffering on the other perspective whereby I am the one whom wos diagnosed with having a nervous breakdown nearly 2 years ago now. This went into severe depression and diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Lots of meds tried etc etc. just all so so awful. My husband after 18years married and 25 years being together said he cannot cope with my depressions and has now left me with my 2 children whom are amazing aged 14 and 18. Each day is a real struggle and just find myself crying all the time and panicking when everyone says time for new beginnings.. I have gone from a bubbly professional person, to a very sad single mum of 2. Still just cannot believe this is happening to me. 

    I do hope everything works out for you, dare I say time for new beginnings.. Take care. You are not on your own by any means x

    • UK-Ven-medicate
      UK-Ven-medicate sarah12391

      Posted

      Sarah12391, Whilst ists hard and you do need to fully grieve for the breakdown of your marriage ( hell it took me long enough last year ), its key to try to move on and do it with out any hatred. You need to be able to move on in the sense that it becomes a closed book. You deal with everything and then put the book on the shelf as memories of 25 good years. So many people focus on the bad thing after a divorce/seperation as it the easiest solution. But at some point you just need to say why is this my problem now, we are apart and thats not going to change so what is there to argue or be upset about.

      Someone else is just as capable of making you happy ( if you want that ) and your ex doesn't have any mutual exclusivity to your happiness. The are plenty of other men out there when your ready

    • sarah12391
      sarah12391 UK-Ven-medicate

      Posted

      Hi Jimmy, thank you so much for your post.. I know it is time.. Thing is Indont hate him even after everything he has done to me, lies, mental, physical abuse which doctors believe is not helping my severe depression etc.

      I do hope with time it gets better. In front of my children try extremely hard not to be emotional etc. just sometimes my mask cracks!!

      When I do start to feel a bit better I will take your quote about we are now apart and to stop getting upset by it!

      thank you so much means a great deal!

      glad you came out the other side xx

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