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Depression, can't go on much longer

Posted , 7 users are following.

jake12070
jake12070

20 years old, struggling with depression for my whole childhood starting off from being bullied and has just totally ruined my life for 6 years. Depression runs in my family which you think would be good but it isn't when they are all in denial.

I now suffer from extreme anxiety, social phobias, severe depression and the list goes on..

I'm posting here as I'm past the point of trying and wanting to even deal with this anymore, nothing has helped me, I have a dysfunctional family which cause me more hurt every day and no friends or anybody who even begins to understand how I feel. 

I deal with it by totally shutting off my emotions, to the point of where family members have died and I show absolutely no emotion towards their death and almost don't care? I have no absolutely  no motivation towards anything and find myself just laying down all day..

The only thing that is keeping me alive is the fact I want a family of my own that I can do my absolute best for and give them the life I never had.. Without that idea in my head and doing well in college I think I would have totally given up by now and probably have been committed..

I have overwhelming thoughts of suicide everyday which is about the only thing I am able to control, it can ruin my life but I won't let it take it. My mood changes are becoming more extreme to the point of where something as simple as somebody looking at me in a smug way could put me into depression for weeks.

You know what's worse? I have travelled all the way to Australia in the hope I could snap my self out of this but now find myself stuck half way across the world more alone and depressed than I have ever felt in my entire life, I have a visa to stay here for a year and I've barely lasted a week.. I had to force myself to be able to fly out here and it has made my fear of talking even worse even though I thought it would help..

I just need any advice or hope of how I can deal with this, I lived with the idea that time is a healer but it is most certainly not in my case, sorry for the long post but thanks for reading if you made it this far but I needed to get it off my chest..

I plan on therapy when I get back but having another month of being alone and being as low as I feel is going to make things worse..

5 likes, 162 replies

162 Replies

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  • louisthin
    louisthin jake12070

    Posted

    Stay in Oz, at least another 3 weeks, don't book a flight home. Make a plan for tomorrow, one day at a time.... One foot other foot.... Tomorrow/ later today go snorkelling.,. No people required... And after have a nice coffee in a cafe, and see if you can start a small conversation with the barista, just hi, I'm travelling, what is good to do  for fun here... There CBT. goal 1
  • jake12070
    jake12070

    Posted

    Back in the same mood I was yesterday sadly, I think I'm going to just post on here when I am feeling like I do to get out what I need to. Even if nobody reads it does actually help typing it out as it feels like I am releasing how I feel.

    Maybe I'll use this as a bit of a log of how I'm feeling day to day.

    • kat50
      kat50 jake12070

      Posted

      Sorry to hear your feeling the same. I'm here to read and listen. Your not alone. 
    • jake12070
      jake12070 kat50

      Posted

      Thanks I'm just having trouble dealing with the mood changes today.

      Woke up more positive after speaking with you guys but as usual went back to feeling low, just been for a walk along the beach listening to music trying to relax a bit x

    • kat50
      kat50 jake12070

      Posted

      Walking along a beach is a lot of people's idea of heaven but when your depressed it doesn't make any difference does it. It's good that your out of your room though and making an effort.  
    • jake12070
      jake12070 kat50

      Posted

      Sadly not, everyone seems to be so happy and I'm just lost when I walk about.. At least I feel better than being alone in a room though sad.. Getting lost in music also helps me a lot.
    • kat50
      kat50 jake12070

      Posted

      Glad that you can listen to your music to take your mind off things. 
    • jake12070
      jake12070 kat50

      Posted

      Yeah it really helps me forget about it all, thanks for listening smile

      Helps more than you think

  • louisthin
    louisthin jake12070

    Posted

    Sorry you're feeling crappy again today. But well done for going for a walk. You should feel good that you did that. You've got one up on me for today smile do you swim? A swim might be good? Xx
    • jake12070
      jake12070 louisthin

      Posted

      :D what have you been up to? And yeah I do but I usually just relax to music as it's very peaceful smile
    • jake12070
      jake12070 louisthin

      Posted

      Decided earlier to post on here how I feel everyday, last night when I was feeling that low coming here and knowing that someone for once will listen and understand how I feel without mocking... Heartwarming and I thank you again
    • louisthin
      louisthin jake12070

      Posted

      It will be nice to hear how you are doing everyday. I have done nothing today, but planning a more productive day tomorrow... Here's hoping smile
    • jake12070
      jake12070 louisthin

      Posted

      Just felt horrible to the past hour but had someone talk me down a bit on here, glad you are going to do something smile I plan on going for a long walk later on today when the heat isn't so crazy to relax a bit xx
    • jason31256
      jason31256 jake12070

      Posted

      Hey mate you go enjoy the day take this time for yourself and dont worry about what troubles you have in time with help you can be who you want to be it will make you feel better if you can just relax and enjoy the time you have left over there nothing that has happened to you over here canot affect you when you are thousand miles away there you are away from it all you can take this opportunity to be you call it a trial run of who you are where nothing can affect you try it nothing to loose have you
    • jake12070
      jake12070 jason31256

      Posted

      Not actually slept as I got really bad earlier so will probably fall asleep at some point but gonna go for a walk when the heat cools down, how are you?
    • jason31256
      jason31256 jake12070

      Posted

      Not to bad a little emotional day so I sat at my laptop just writing my thoughts down listening to music while my son was on the xbox some days are better than others I got told im to nice today how can anyone be to nice lol strange but ill get through it 
    • jake12070
      jake12070 jason31256

      Posted

      Yeah that's what I'm trying to do here, just express how I feel when I go into one of my low moods, music also works really well for me too. loud with headphones and it's impossible to think about your problems.

      You are a nice person you helped me a lot yesterday smile

    • louisthin
      louisthin jake12070

      Posted

      Sorry to feel you've felt bad again, it's nice to have some caring people to chat to. I only found this chat thingy yesterday! I know it's probably completely unhelpful to say, but trying to regulate your sleep is supposed to help. Although when I first got over there I would wake up at around 4am and spend hours pacing up and down the beach.. Did lose weight though smile that was jet lag though I think. Now I sleep quite regularly, and try to go to bed early, my tablets do make me sleepy though. I do tend to wake up panicking every day though, which is a pain. Funny thing I woke up Sunday panicking it was Monday and I hadn't done enough work over the weekend, then realised it was Sunday. So it was like a do-over... However I still didn't do any work... But convinced myself it didn't matter so didn't panic as much when I woke up Monday. The one good thing about these tablets is they do give me awesome dreams, sleeping is sooo much better than being awake! On the downside they have made me fat... I hate being unattractive and fat! 

      Anyway I'll stop ranting x

    • jason31256
      jason31256 jake12070

      Posted

      Im glad I helped its kinda what I do when people need it I wanted to be a doctor when I was in school so helping is just something I like to do but just dont think about it just do it weather it is my friends or strangers a month ago I was talkiing to someone who I had never met she was having cold feet about getting married I kinda opened her eyes a bit she hugged me said thankyou she needed to here it to reassure her it would be a good thing to do in her life 
    • jake12070
      jake12070 louisthin

      Posted

      I'll always listen smile

      I only found it yesterday aswell but found I was already signed up and found out it was from when I fell off my roof and thought I'd done something do my foot so posted a picture of it lol.

      Yeah I have lost about half a stone from how bad I was the first week here, I just slept all day in my hostel room and couldn't bring myself to move.

      And yeah I used to do that, I woke up thinking it was Monday once and walked to college and then realised it was Sunday, 3 miles to walk there aswell.. Xx

    • jake12070
      jake12070 jason31256

      Posted

      Yeah I think one day I would like to maybe do part time trying to help people going through depression, of course if I ever beat or at least be able to manage my own problems first.

    • louisthin
      louisthin jake12070

      Posted

      Are you planning on travelling around Australia? Or just the one place?
    • jake12070
      jake12070 louisthin

      Posted

      If I come back my mate has someone out here who's gonna rent a camper van with us because you have to be 21 and then just go where the wind takes us..

      Hopefully I can at least get myself under control and sort out the mood changes so I can go back.. I'd love to stay and do it now as they are doing it soon but I can't afford myself to get any worse as it's been getting worse the past few weeks x

    • louisthin
      louisthin jake12070

      Posted

      It might be better to do it now! It's difficult to get a second working holiday visa... I really think you should do it now. Meet back up with your friend, honestly, being busy is probably the best thing. You also said your family is a bit complicated. This is the perfect opportunity to do something away from them and any stress they cause. I really think giving it a go out there could be great. I have to go to bed now. Will check in on you tomorrow smile 
    • jason31256
      jason31256 jake12070

      Posted

      You can beat it you can you already have taken a huge step in opening up on here you already know you want to beat it that in itself is a big step it is just gonna take time nothing is an overnight fix when it comes to depression it will and does get a whole lot better when I got over it the first time I do still have the scars but I know I can handle anything that time may bring back up but it doesn't happen often my last time was when my son was born and I had a panic attack when going to the shop but I knew I had to push past it and get on with it so forced myself to do it
    • jake12070
      jake12070 louisthin

      Posted

      Id love to but nothing is going to change my mind as I never want to feel how I did last week, to the point of thinking about actually considering doing stupid things.

      I need to get it sorted before I do that but hopefully I can make it back with a few months left to have fun..

      Goodnight and take care xxxxx

    • louisthin
      louisthin jake12070

      Posted

      I understand, it's terrifying when you plan to do, or think about doing the unthinkable. But.. Can I ask one more question, then I swear I will drop the subject... Will it be that different to feel crappy back here? If you're with your friend over there, I just think even if you tag along for a while and feel miserable you might accidentally start having fun... Anyway, I don't know, just a thought. Stay safe whatever you do, and definitely if you think staying might lead to you hurting yourself then definitely don't. And we're here for you whatever happens. Goodnight xx
    • jake12070
      jake12070 louisthin

      Posted

      I was very close to it and it's probably just a defence mechanism but I can't go back to feeling like that and I've associated being here with feeling that low so I need to get away, probably sounds weird but how Its how I feel sad

      Oh and Im not going back for my family, purely so I can start getting help, I live with my step dad about 30 miles away from any of my family so luckily can stay, I hope x

      Night though, speak to you soon xx

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