Depression, can't go on much longer

Or go and help at the animal hospital or zoo. Also cool things to do that will give you purpose. 

No I appreciate the advice, I already plan on coming back in a few months if therapy and anti depressants at least change the way I think about my life..

You know the hardest part of this? Wanting to change but not being able to because of how much Crap I have been through.

Have you thought about seeing a doctor while your in Australia.  It might help just to talk to a doctor and tell him your feelings.  

Yes you can that crap cant hurt you anymore mine cant and I can never change what happend to me but I have let that part of my life go its why it doesn't affect me in my day to day life now it only affects me if I have to do something I haven't done or been before then panic attacks can start but I can control them and get through it because im the only one that can and so can you I hope you get the help you need and can move past what has happened and learn to let it go

I have thought about it but I don't want to risk having another breakdown, I was about to completely give up last week and don't want to start feeling like that again if I open up to someone over here

Then find someone to open up to I know easier said than done I dont have that one person anymore it was my girlfriend but that ship has sailed but someone out there will listen

I'm vulnerable at minute so won't change my mind about going home, just how I am.

The problem with me is that it's still ongoing for me, i still have to live with my family who have caused me so much upset and rejection,  I just can't forgive them for what they used to do to me and how little they made me feel.

I understand that soooo much. I want to change more than anything, but just can't find the strength, every time I do it seems someone finds a damn mallet to knock me back down, I so wish to go back to normal, but I can't remember what that was, it's been over a year since I felt that way this time, and even then not sure it felt "normal" at the time. 

My best time in Australia.. to throw in a story... Was when I had almost no money, I had a job there, and I was so hungry, I had to buy a tin of tomatoes for my lunch, couldn't afford a can opener, so had to be pull top, then steal a plastic fork from the Chinese shop to eat it. Then my boyfriend threw me out of the house in the middle of the night.  But within a day, my friends who I had known only a week gave me a room in their house, patched me up etc. it's quite liberating to know that 1. strangers can be very kind and 2. you can deal with adversity rather more than you originally suspected!  I didn't take any money from them obviously, just grateful of a place to stay, and they picked me up from work, took me to spend Christmas with their family. Friends for life those guys. One of my best everChristmases  

Surely you are miles from your family now... Make the best of it.... My family have issues too... Being in Oz gave me a chance to get away and not worry about them or anything to do with them.  It's nice, I know finding yourself sounds cliche, but it's cliche for a reason

It's the mood changes that bother me and I can't seem to control them either. That's another reason why I don't try and make friends. I have so much baggage, nobody deserves to have to put up with me.

I can be fine one minute and then completely change over simple things and be utterly depressed with suicidal thoughts. It's not easy for me.

And that sounds awesome it's those types of moments that you will never forget 

When you say mood changes, how bad? Violence?

No not violence, after going through everything I don't judge anybody and be as nice as I can when I have the courage to actually speak 

I just mean one minute I can be fine... Well coping anyway and the next I can go back into depression.. This could be during a conversation or being with a friend and I just shut down again..

The majority of people don't deal or understand depression so I get worried people will judge me for it, plus most people just want a simple friendship and not a guy who gets really down

Then them people dont belong in your life trusting someone is hard to do but even the people that you think wont understand might have a similar problem and feel they cant open up to anyone it just takes that one conversation and it will all unravel from there 

I told my friend about my recent depression and he didnt know what to say you see im the guy people open up to about there problems and I try give good advice but when I needed advice all he did was get me a drink he didnt know what else to do people have always come to me for help and guidance been told id make a good counsellor so I guess being a chef might have been a wrong choice lol

I think you'll be surprised most people have the exact same insecurities and anxiety (maybe not as bad, but they all have them). You are a young, hot (everyone is hot at 20 so I won't believe y

our not) and from talking to you you seem very nice and interesting to talk to.  So go out, just for one day with that attitude, and believe it, because it's true, and see what happens.  Anyone would be lucky to be your friend

I am a caring person and wouldn't ever judge somebody by how they look or what they do but it's hard when you have no confidence

And how I speak on here is the real me and how I would be if I had any sort of confidence but sadly I don't and you probably wouldn't get a good impression if you met me. I'd be quiet until I felt comfortable being around you which can take a while

Sorry my reply was spread over 2 messages.  

You've had the confidence to go all the way to Australia. That took some doing. There are plenty of people who have travelled on their own who are feeling vulnerable.  Just try talking normally to someone. It doesn't have to be a crowd of people. 

I'm the same, or I certainly was at your age. I think you would be surprised about the impression you think people have of you and the actual impression they do have. You're probably way to hard on yourself, just remember everyone you talk to is worrying about how they are perceived too. 

It's just hard after shutting myself off from most people since I was 15, that's basically most of my life I can actually remember so I know nothing else.

And I'm hard on myself because I know how cruel people can be, I used to be made so little and to the point of despising everything about me and being told I'm useless.. You'd think after 5 years I would get over that but I still feel just as affected by their words after all this time.

You can come on here anytime. This is a friendly forum and you will be able to chat to people who understand. Depression is an awful illness. We know how you feel. 

Thanks I do feel better letting all of this out, been building for a few weeks now and was about to completely break down

There words cant hurt you anymore id look into how to let things go and how to move on it has worked for me and many others 

It really sounds like you need some type of therapy. I do hope you can try and calm down. We're all here for you.

I know I have arranged to see my doctor when I get back and go from there, just worried about having to be here for another 3-4 weeks but I have got a lot out of my system talking to you guys on here and I thank you.

No problem mate if I was you I would go and enjoy them few weeks just try and make a point of enjoying it while your there 

No problem mate if I was you I would go and enjoy them few weeks just try and make a point of enjoying it while your there 

I still remember my fathers words to me now from when I was a child... He used to call me stupid... However my reports from school, exam results all tell me he was wrong. It hurts when someone you love and care about says nasty things. I'm in my 30s and still don't know how to make the nasty things people say go away. Funny thing, he's always called me a liar (I am a stickler for honesty, ask anyone of my friends) and he said I lied about him calling me stupid! Around 2 months ago he was angry, and said the exact phrase I remembered all these years. I pointed that out, he still hasn't apologised. If I ever query the man he comes back with "ad hominem" responses. Essentially having no argument to give. 

Parents and family members are all flawed too. 

Don't get me started on family, I have never known my dad and hasn't bothered to try and talk to me.

My mums depression is worse than mine and she left me and my step dad on Christmas and didn't talk to me for a whole year, she's deeply in denial about everything and doesn't accept I suffer from depression and offers no help.

Apart from my step dad everyone else suffers from depression in my family and they all hate each other. My aunty has just been admitted with heart failure, I don't really know her but it's just caused more drama. 

I know you can't choose you family but I dream of the day I can start my own and forget about mine

That is so true! And it's great you want to start your own family, l

Thinking to the future is good... And if you ever met my sister's children, they are incredible and so much worth sticking around for.

It's honestly what gets me up in the morning.

The chance to love someone like I never was and the chance to raise a kid and give them the life i never had... 

Seeing my son born was incredible so emotional when I held him for the first time I cried and when he held my little finger was just amazing I thought before he was born how could I cope but seeing him just lifted all of that away I wouldnt be without him now being a parent is the best thing in the world its just unfortunate that we are only human and we make mistakes so easily and that includes people with children

I can imagine I can deal with anything with the hope of that happening to me one day and finding someone I truly love

I hope it does for you one day but love is something I have been truly unlucky with but it works for others 

Well I have never actually loved anyone, not even family.. but the thought of a family Is what keeps me still trying to fight my depression

Being in love is the greatest feelng in the world if there is anything better I haven't felt it but it comes at a price to completely give your heart to someone to trust them never to hurt it is so easy to do but when your heart gets crushed it can take some time to recover and I unfortunately have had to do such a thing recently through no fault of my own I did nothing wrong I thought I found tlhe one and I will always believe I had because of how I felt no one will make me feel like that again because ill be to scared to let go but it wont stop me looking for someone else and hopefully over time I can 

Sorry to hear that

I won't be rushing into anything and it certainly won't be until I am feeling better about myself, I don't think I could take being depressed and having my heart crushed at the same time.

At least you have your kid, someone you will love unconditionally until the day you die

Anyway I'm gonna head off to bed it's 2am, I'll probably come here to vent again which will most likely be tomorrow at some point 

Thanks all of you for your help, means more than you think take care