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Depression so bad making me feel worthless

Posted , 9 users are following.

vicky51471
vicky51471

hi there

Im sorry for this post but thank you if you are reading it.

 I have had depression and anxiety since 14 I’m 40 now.

I don’t sleep we’ll never feel refreshed feel tired all day, don’t do anything really.

I was getting a little better, but it’s beating me again. I try so hard to  do simple things when I don’t do them I feel bad.

ive recently seen a phycatrist Dr last week, who is now changing my meds’ I am also going to be seeing a CPN each week.

 Thing is I’ve nothing left in me. I was married had an abusive husband and was addicted to heroin for 15 years. I am clean off all opiates now just over a year and a half.

I had to flee from him without him knowing and move Back with my mother, she’s 70 now and I really feel for her with me I’m hard work I know.

you see I’ve got nothing to give, I couldn’t have children so no kids that has been hard to come to terms with.

Right now I’m thinking what’s the point? What have I got to offer anyone? How long am I going To feel like this? When’s it going to stop..

 Im on loads of meds wether there working I do not know.

I have been taken advantage of over the years I’ve never put me first. Now it’s time I just don’t know how to start again.

Everything I try to do goes wrong I feel useless and worthless.

Please do not think I’m feeling sorry for myself I’ve tried to “pull myself together” tried to shake my head. As a lot of people I cannot see a way out of this it’s not that easy! If only!

I feel worthless and desperate my life’s on Pause I’ve lost so much how do I start again.

 I’ve always been the one who fixes things but I cannot fix me!

if you’ve read this thank you I know I am not the only one who feels like this it’s just how to cope and what to do when I feel so low and see no point.

 I live with my mother it’s hard for her to see me like this, I also snap and that’s just not on. Emotions everywhere.

every day I cry! I feel lost how do I find me again? Who am I 

 I’m sorry to go on am I the only one who feels they try to get better but gets beaten down again?

vicky

6 likes, 27 replies

27 Replies

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  • ann55375
    ann55375 vicky51471

    Posted

    No there are many of us.  What we lack is a good mental health team who care and can make us better.

    feel for you, better days will come.

    • vicky51471
      vicky51471 ann55375

      Posted

      Hi Ann

      yes I’ve been waiting a long time I hope  it’s not too long to go now!

      i do know there are people who are worse off than me and I understand the wait.

      just want to feel even a little better.

       I hope you are ok

      thanks again,

      just the waiting game isn’t it..

      vicky🌈

       

  • 2chr2015
    2chr2015 vicky51471

    Posted

    Ann is right.  Is there a local support group?
    • vicky51471
      vicky51471 2chr2015

      Posted

       Not any support atm.. waiting for a CPN I’ve had med changes start though.

      i can go to my drs she is very good but it’s aleays the same I feel bad for her I’ve been like this years.

       I know he mental health teams are pushed I really do. I feel it’s the best help I need someone to talk to make sense of things if I can if not box it off.

      Thank you for your reply

      vicky🌈

  • brenda69464
    brenda69464 vicky51471

    Posted

    Hi Vicky,

    Don't apologize,you are struggling with depressive disorder.

    Depression is a chemical imbalance you can not control.

    You do need to follow your Doctor's orders.Please be patient with him/her, depression is a tricky illness to treat. It would also be in your best interest to get some therapy after having been in a bad relationship.

    Congratulation's on ditching the drug habit. That must have been tough ! However YOU DID IT !

    You can do this too! Best wishes and virtual hugs !

    Hope to hear from you soon!

    • vicky51471
      vicky51471 brenda69464

      Posted

      Thank you Brenda for your reply and  kind words.

      i know I’m not on my own but it feels like it at the time.

      I wouldn’t wish this illness on anyone ever. It’s so cruel.

       I will and do listen to the drs it’s just Been soooooo long, I know it will never go I just hope it can get easier.

      I am having the help of a CPN soon and med changes have started so that’s the start I guess.

      Thank you once again

      vicky🌈

    • brenda69464
      brenda69464 vicky51471

      Posted

      It can get easier, and it will.

      I have been living with the ups and downs and round and rounds for over 15 years;but it does get better !

      I know it will get better for you too !

      Thinking about you !

  • deb87510
    deb87510 vicky51471

    Posted

    Thank you for sharing. You are a strong woman... you have kicked a drug habit, left a bad relationship, and are reaching out for help. Go girl. I am 60 and still haven’t been able to take control of depression or my life. You are young you can do it. It is too late for me. 
    • vicky51471
      vicky51471 deb87510

      Posted

      Hi there Deb,

      thank you for your very kind words.

      Althogh it has been hard so very hard,but it’s no to too late for you is it really?

      you said about reaching out for help can you do that.... again as I guess you have before.

      over the years I have noticed there’s much more help out there now than when iwas first diagnosed this will be the same for you.

      Hey look 60 isn’t too late you don’t have to settle I thought that. Things are moving although it’s taken ages it’s been a long waiting game.

      I wish you well

      thinking of you 

      Take care Deb

      vicky🌈

    • ann55375
      ann55375 deb87510

      Posted

      I too am similar age and cant get control,of the depression anxiety and agitation.  Many drugs tried but no further forward.  What do you do to keep going? Maybe you have a better anti dep,than me?  Mine just seems uncontrolled and pdoc is as stumped as me i think. 
    • vicky51471
      vicky51471 ann55375

      Posted

      Hi there Ann🙂

      really feeling for you and Debs! Such a horrible illness isn’t it cruel and never ending it seems.

      please it’s just my opinion but is it too late for you ?

      Its just my dear dear mum of 70 years had depression all the years when I was growing up it was so sad and upsetting too see.  In her  teens  20s 30s we got older ( three of us) it lifted she is a happy old dear now...... she never thought she’d get better.

       when I asked her how it went ?when it went?  she said it gradually lifted nothing changed that she can think of. just her story to say to you, as at 40 years myself I’ve have gotton where I don’t know what will help me but I guess I’ll kerp trying. I see her and think maybe! Although mine is much worse than mums was as she has said. She hates I have it thinks it’s her fault not at all, she is my rock. One person the only person who I love unconditionally. She feels helpless for me but she helps me without knowing!

      i wish there was a miracle cure to stop this misery we feel!

      it can feel so lonely but knowing people know how you feel is a comfort although it’s not in another way as Others are suffering. 

      We can share and help and that’s s good thing

      thank you for reading.

      Take care

      vicky🌈

      p.s you give such great advice to others let’s hope you can get some to help you....

       

    • vicky51471
      vicky51471

      Posted

      Hi there Ann🙂

      I’m a little confused but I think you wrote back to me. this is how i was taught to live that I try my best every day not to upset anybody, not to hurt anyone and treat people the way I expect to be treated myself. this doesn’t always happen. Meaning I’ve been let down badly both men in my lîfe, My Dad did something years ago, horrific it’s affcted me as If it was still yesterday. Forgive me but i cannot say! its broken our family, weve no Dad. he was there one day and gone the next. As if he had died but hes not.

      My huband well we were on heroin he was doing it behind my back then i found out but did not leave i used! stupid girl! addict for 15 yrs. husband had 8 affairs! got another lady pregnant knowing icouldnt have children.

       well i got clean and i got rid of him... but it was exhausting draining i dont know how i did it.

      so this is why i say i feel worthless and uslessI do try but have been waiting to reconnect with a CPN. itsthe waiting i think thats got me.

      I am currently on 45 mg of mirtazapine and 75 mg of venlafaxine they are my antidepressants I also take diazepam to for my anxiety.Along with pregabalin for the Aniety aswell.This illness is horrible it’s controlling and it takes a hold  and it's strong stronger than me! when its really bad its overwhelming.

       I take time out in a room on my own. i never have caffine  at all i noticed my heart races so much less now. It helps a-bit with getting offto sleep aswell.

       i think talking is the key... for me along with the medication. ive got this long with it that that has to be a start and worth a try.

      Ive gone on.. sorry!

      we all have our own stories heartaches and pains if we can help one another even in a  small way that can only be a good thing hey

      once again thank you for talking and listening to me

      take care

      vicky🌈

       

    • deb87510
      deb87510 vicky51471

      Posted

      Thank you for your kind words. You are right things were different 30 years ago there was no where to turn. My family turn a blind eye to all I was going through there was no one to share my pain with so I just lived with it best I could. I hurt my children in the process so I am living with that consequence too. 

      You seem more optimistic in your last posts, I hope you keep communicating and moving forward even baby steps. 

      Your mom sounds like a fine lady. 

    • deb87510
      deb87510 ann55375

      Posted

      I was on pristiq for years just when off it this summer. I was feeling like a drug addict and never feeling any joy. It has been hard but I don’t feel any more depressed so guess it wasn’t really working. My anxiety is worse tho. I do take Ativan sometimes for that. Also have many sleepless nights   My mind just won’t stop. I wish I had a magic wand. 
    • ann55375
      ann55375 deb87510

      Posted

      Yes, i guess my anti dep mirtazapine wasnt working either as ive dropped down and now im wracked with anxiety all the time.  Dr gave me diazepam to deal with it but its not ideal.  I just want my life back. I dont know if this med has changed me but i cant do normal things anymore without anxiety and some days that brings me down.do you thinkmin timemthis can resolve, or will pdocs give out more meds?
    • ann55375
      ann55375 vicky51471

      Posted

      Oh dear you have had a hard time.

      all we can do is hope that something will help the recovery from all of this.

      i am sending my best wishes to you for a good recovery, it just takes time.

      always here to,listen.

    • vicky51471
      vicky51471 ann55375

      Posted

      Hi ann

      yes I guess day by day somtimes it’s hour by hour.

      i know I’m not the only one, it’s sad others are suffering.

      yep life’s thrown me some massive hurdles but I’m still here! Fighting this every day.

      going to enroll in sewing classes.. that’s if I keep to it.

      ann thank you I’m sending you a massive virtual hug and best wishes to you

      takecare

      vicky🌈

    • vicky51471
      vicky51471 deb87510

      Posted

      Hi Deb🙂

      how are you today just a post back"..

      yes  I agree there is definitely more help out there now than before for sure it’s been 26 long years for me. I have seen massive changes in the he mental heath sector so many therapy’s for sure.

      i am sorry to hear it’s affected you and your children I hope you can find a resolution I’m sure you never set out to hurt them,you were hurting yourself by the sounds of it. I don’t kñow the ins and outs so wouldn’t want to comment ánymore but I hope you can work things out with them.

       Optimistic well i try to be but the black cloud dictates how I’m gonna feel.

      Yes I’ve got a wonderful mum I have been a nightmare really but she says not. She suffered herself for years, she feels sad a sad she knows what it is like.

       I tel” her all the time she helps me without even knowing! I snap though and it’s not nessesary not all the time but if I’m anxious it just happens then I feel so terrible she is not physic!

      im sorry you had to live with people who have turned a blind eye that very sad to hear. 

      Do you have any help friends or groups?

      take care

      vicky🌈

       

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