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Detaching with love.

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greg11776
greg11776

So, long story but my friend( I say friend but we were more at times, big feelings there on my part and I thought his) went into rehab in June for 6 weeks and it really helped him. We were in contact for a week after he came out by text, but one day after I asked him what I thought was a normal question he said, we need to have boundaries around what I can ask and basically said we should stop contact. Said it wasn't healthy for him or me because it brought back memories of when we would drink. That was 7 weeks ago. He said he would be in touch when he was doing the making amends part of AA programme.

I suppose I'm still struggling with it. I've being doing some self care work on myself, looking at codependency traits I have which have helped, but I still find it hard that in the last 7 weeks it hasn't crossed his mind or had a weak moment and texted.

To give bit of background, before he relapsed, he would text me many times a day and ring as many. All the effort was coming from his side mainly. I hadn't drank for months to support him, yet he says contact with me brought back memories of us drinking( earlier times perhaps, or my most recent visit when he relapsed on alcohol and cocaine).

So I'm wondering am I deluded, did he just bin me as that was convenient or could he still have feelings but ignore me?

1 like, 23 replies

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  • Misssy2
    Misssy2 greg11776

    Posted

    I did this a really long time ago (13 years ago)....to my X husband (husband of 20 years)...who I did end up trying to reconnect with but "sober" with him did not work for me.  When I got home from rehab I TOLD him...If my feelings didn't return he was going to have to leave...When I was a year sober he left.

    He left because I was sitting here crying and he asked what was wrong...and I told him I realized I could NOT be sober AND be with him.

    It wasn't about HIM it was about ME not being able to stay sober and be in "that" relationship.  

    I knew it the second I called him from rehab and told him I was doing WHATEVER it took to stay sober that we were not going to last...I all of a sudden had a voice to my feelings and commitment to being sober.

    I feel for you as I felt for HIM at that time. It doesn't seem fair.  But like I said..there was a big change within me and I knew he wasn't going to fit into my world anymore.

    When in recovery it is told to you over and over that sobriety is your number one priority and focus especially in the first year...and I BELIEVE if he has not contacted you by now that he has "changed" everything about him as changed...he is not the same person...he does not have the same feelings and behaviors as he once did and he for his survival has to hold on to his sobriety and leave everything else behind.

    I do not think he is coming back gregg...I am sorry...If you truly loved this person you will find a way to let him go..and please realize this is NOT YOU....its just that he is focusing on what he needs to survive to stay sober.

     

    • greg11776
      greg11776 Misssy2

      Posted

      Thanks for explaining it from your point of view. I hear what you are saying. Where do the feelings go then? I know he had them as I did?

      Letting go of him I get. I pray for him daily and for me. But where do his feelings go.

  • Misssy2
    Misssy2 greg11776

    Posted

    I don't know your relationship...so I can't tell you exactly what HE is thinking.

    I know that when I made the choice it was because I knew there were certain times....certain ways my X husband spoke to me that would trigger me...I just all of a sudden felt like I could ONLY focus on being sober....I had no "feelings" left because alcohol had almost killed me.

    I was just so grateful to be alive I was willing to do anything to stay alive...and I knew staying with "him" was not making me happy.

    So your mate..had feelings for you I'M sure they were strong and JUST AS REAL as yours.

    The difference is his feelings and focus have changed...where yours have not. sad

    His feelings I don't know what it was about your relationship..but it was something that he obviously feels he can not withstand and be sober at the same time.....and he is choosing to be sober.

    Im sure he thinks about you...how could he not?  But, I still think about my X also....but I do not want to be back in a "relationship" with him.

    Have you heard the Reason, Season, Lifetime theory that goes something like this?

    People are in our lives for a Season, Reason or a Lifetime.

    If he does not return that means that he was either a "Season" or a "Reason".....there was a purpose for him to only be in your life for a short time...something you have learned...something maybe he needed to learn...but if he does not return he is not a "Lifetime".

    You can not hold on to someone that is not giving you what you need in return.

    If you need answers....I think I have given you the answer.....He is chosing sobriety over a relationship...with "anyone".  I think it will be highly unlikely that he will enter to another relationship anytime soon.

    People who have the life scared out of them by the effects of alcohol on their minds and bodies CHANGE...and it has nothing to do with how good or bad YOU are...its all HIS INSIDE JOB.

    (Hugs).

     

    • greg11776
      greg11776 Misssy2

      Posted

      Thank you for explaining it so well. It's hard to hear that I may be triggering him but it's obvious I was.

      I too have a feeling he will not be back.

    • greg11776
      greg11776 Misssy2

      Posted

      Also, when you said people who have the life frightened out of them by the affects of alcohol change. That really resonated with me. My gut instinct tells me he got the holy crap frightened out of him by this relapse in June. He's been on many binges before and drugs for days but I think this one frightened him. He went into psychosis. I pray daily that he is strong and doing well which I've no doubt he will, all I can do is self care and work on surrenderring it all. We both had things to learn here and I'm sure one day he will see it too when he's over his anger. As for will he ever come back, sounds like from what you say, no.

  • Misssy2
    Misssy2 greg11776

    Posted

    gregg..you and I can't know if he is coming back.

    I don't know if you yourself drink at all...but if you do...than I would put my money on he would not be coming back if he is going to remain sober.

    I say that NOT because IF he does not drink ever again..he is going to become a totally different person than he ever was....think of it this way..you might not even like him sober.....I know I completely changed...to unrecognizeable I became so righteous...and preachy...and sickening...I see that looking back....but that is ok...it took all of that to get me where I am today.

    I started drinking again after 8 years...(this is just FYI)...so I'm not writing to you as a "sober" person....I drank for 4...I was just sober for 10 months..but drank again a couple weeks ago and have drank about 4 times in the last couple of weeks.

    I just know when I first got sober 8 years ago...NOTHING and NO ONE was going to stand in the way of the "time" I needed for recovery and for AA....nor would I let anything other distraction (love, sex) interfere...my life was on the line..and it sounds like his is as well.

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2

      Posted

      The sentence that has the big NOT in it...remove the NOT and read it..I started to word it differently and then did but left the NOT in there..sorry if its confusing...lol...I'm sober...today

    • greg11776
      greg11776 Misssy2

      Posted

      I drink occasionally but over the last 9 moths I've cut alcohol out drastically mainly due to what I saw him go through, and for 6 months before I went to visit him in June, I only drank couple times to support him I suppose and he would ring every day so didn't want him to see me with a hangover, I'm at stage myself where I will give it up completely I think.

      Yes he would be a completely different person I understand that, his life is on the line and has to work his program. I could handle it because I love him and I've made lots of changes as it was to help support him.

      That said I can only do me now. I think unfortunately he associates me now with his relapse in the summer when I went to visit. I tried to stop him but as I now know I couldn't, no one could.

      He knows the type of person I am, I know he loved me, I know now his sobriety has to be first. As for the rest it's in the hands of the universe.

      Thanks for being so honest about your own life.

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