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Diagnosed MDD and Anxiety, Afraid to take meds.

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michie99
michie99

Hi Everyone.

I decided to join a forum figuring maybe someone out there can say something that will have an effect on my fear of meds. Something I can not do nor my DR. I am 47,I have been dealing with MDD and Anxiety for 21 years. I would say out of all those years I have been on meds for 3-4 yrs total. Have tried atleast 6 or 7 meds over that time. The best I did was prozac 20mg for close to 2 yrs ( 40mg made me take to many risk.) I developed this intestinal illness that the doctors did not think had anything to do with my meds. I was bedridden for 8 weeks lost 30 lbs and decided it had to be the prozac so took myself off it. I did slowly get better that was 4 yrs ago. I take clonazepam for the anxiety but I only take that when I am having a PA because I never wanted to become addicted. Tried a handful of others meds Lexapro Celexa zoloft.. Probably others I cant remember the names of but one side effect or another would make me stop them.

So thats the backround in a nutshell for the most part I live a pretty crappy life. I am a hypochondriac also which is wonderful by itself let alone throwing in MDD and Anxiety. So fast forward to the past few months. I know its time to get on meds. Crying every single day, sadness so deep there is not even a word for it. I can barely drag myself into work. I am so tired all the time. Physically Mentally Emotionally just so fed up.and then every little ache or pain and I think its some blood clot or illness. When I say I am a mess, I mean it And I know it and I know I need something. And yes I have done the talk therapy does no good at all. Anyways my doctor put me back on prozac but day 3 and 4 I swore I was having a heart attack or heart problems. Chest pain rapid heart beat, feeling the blood pumping though my heart. Ughhhh yes I deal with anxiety attacks quite often but 3 in 12 hours, I new it had to be the prozac and I couldnt deal so I went off it. So me and the doctor decide on Bupropion. The bottle sits on my desk. After I googled that drug to death I am to afraid to take it. I know I need something, I think my life isnt worth living.I am afraid to live and to die. I need meds but can bring myself to take them and when I do side effects scare me off. I know this sounds silly but I am amost certain that the depression controls my fear of meds because it doesnt want to be quieted,, it has a life of its own... my life to be exact and it puts the breaks on my attempts to quell it. I know logically chances are pretty slim meds will hurt more then they will help but I cant put that pill in my mouth. 

0 likes, 23 replies

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  • chantal53329
    chantal53329 michie99

    Posted

    I had the same fear, I thought my throat would swell and I would die taking them.. that would make more depressed, manic and lose my mind. I cried for an hour before I out the first pill in my mouth. I had a list other meds I take, the number for the crisis team and everything all ready for my boyfriend incase I lost my sh*t or something happened to me. I am now on day 12 I have made up numerous side effects in my head. Called my pharmacist, crisis team and my psychiatric almost every day to make sure the pills wouldn't kill me. I feel much better now that they have started to kick in. I took it cause I couldn't keep going the way I was and figured things can't get any worse. I feel your pain really it's a real phobia and it's terrifying. Hope you feel better soon

    • ann55375
      ann55375 chantal53329

      Posted

      I feel so bad, every time i try anti deps i get terrible side effects.too.  What have you ended up taking which is helping you
    • michie99
      michie99 ann55375

      Posted

      Hi Ann,

      clonazepam is great for when an anxiety, But as I never wanted to get hooked on them instead of taking it regularly I only take it as needed.

      As far as AD`s go the only luck I had was 2 yrs relief with Prozac. But when I went to start them back up the anxiety attacks were to strong to deal with. If I could grow some courage id give the welbrutin a try but as of today they still sit on the desk.   How long have you been in this mess?

    • ann55375
      ann55375 michie99

      Posted

      Been like this three years. Dr has tried several anti deps. Just cant tolerate side effects.

      like you i have a prescrip for trintillex sitting here but too scared to try it for its side effects.  Is wellbutrin well tolerated?

    • ann55375
      ann55375 michie99

      Posted

      Do you know anything about trintillex - its a newer drug is all,i know.  I read the reviews online but i sometimes wonder if they are perpetuated by drug company reps and such so you dont really get a full,

      picture.  Why are you not trying the wellbutrin?  Is it the side effects

    • michie99
      michie99 ann55375

      Posted

      Hi Ann,

      I have not heard anything about trintillex. I will review it online but another problem I have is if its not been around awhile no one knows long term effects. There reason I am so afraid to take it is I read this. on WEBMD.. Check out the Rare side effects... OMG

      Side Effects

      List Wellbutrin XL side effects by likelihood and severity.

      The following side effects are associated with Wellbutrin XL:

      Common side effects of Wellbutrin XL:

      Feeling Restless Severe

      Abnormal DreamsLess Severe

      AnxiousLess Severe

      Cannot Focus ThoughtsLess Severe

      Chronic Trouble SleepingLess Severe

      DiarrheaLess Severe

      DizzyLess Severe

      Dry MouthLess Severe

      Excessive SweatingLess Severe

      Feel Like Throwing UpLess Severe

      Head PainLess Severe

      Heart Throbbing or PoundingLess Severe

      Incomplete or Infrequent Bowel MovementsLess Severe

      Intense Abdominal PainLess Severe

      Weight LossLess Severe

      Infrequent side effects of Wellbutrin XL:

      Abnormally Low Blood PressureSevere

      ConfusedSevere

      High Blood PressureSevere

      HivesSevere

      infectionSevere

      Altered Interest in Having Sexual IntercourseLess Severe

      Blurred VisionLess Severe

      BronchitisLess Severe

      Chest PainLess Severe

      CoughLess Severe

      Difficulty SwallowingLess Severe

      DrowsinessLess Severe

      Dry SkinLess Severe

      Easily Angered or AnnoyedLess Severe

      Feeling WeakLess Severe

      FeverLess Severe

      Frequent UrinationLess Severe

      GasLess Severe

      Hearing ProblemLess Severe

      Increased HungerLess Severe

      IndigestionLess Severe

      Involuntary QuiveringLess Severe

      ItchingLess Severe

      Joint PainLess Severe

      Loss of AppetiteLess Severe

      Migraine HeadacheLess Severe

      Muscle PainLess Severe

      MyoclonusLess Severe

      Neck PainLess Severe

      NervousLess Severe

      NosebleedLess Severe

      Painful, Red or Swollen MouthLess Severe

      Problem with PeriodsLess Severe

      RashLess Severe

      Ringing in the EarsLess Severe

      Temporary Redness of Face and NeckLess Severe

      Throat IrritationLess Severe

      Throwing UpLess Severe

      UncoordinatedLess Severe

      Rare side effects of Wellbutrin XL:

      A Feeling of Restlessness with Inability to Sit StillSevere

      A Rupture in the Wall of the Stomach or IntestineSevere

      Abnormal Heart RhythmSevere

      Abnormal Liver Function TestsSevere

      Abnormal Movements of Face Muscles and TongueSevere

      Acquired Decrease of All Cells in the BloodSevere

      Behaving with Excessive Cheerfulness and ActivitySevere

      Bleeding of the Stomach or IntestinesSevere

      Blood Clot in LungSevere

      Blood Pressure Drop Upon StandingSevere

      ComaSevere

      Complete Heart BlockSevere

      Decreased Blood PlateletsSevere

      Decreased White Blood CellsSevere

      DelusionsSevere

      Disturbance in the Ability of the Eye to FocusSevere

      DyskinesiaSevere

      Erythema MultiformeSevere

      Giant HivesSevere

      HallucinationSevere

      Having Thoughts of SuicideSevere

      Heart AttackSevere

      HepatitisSevere

      Hepatitis caused by DrugsSevere

      hypersensitivity drug reactionSevere

      Increase of White Blood CellsSevere

      Increased Pressure in the EyeSevere

      Inflammation of the EsophagusSevere

      Inflammation of the Large IntestineSevere

      Life Threatening Allergic ReactionSevere

      Muscle Problems that cause Abnormal MovementSevere

      PancreatitisSevere

      ParanoiaSevere

      Parkinson SymptomsSevere

      Psychosis caused by a DrugSevere

      secondary angle-closure glaucomaSevere

      SeizuresSevere

      Serious Muscle Damage that may Lead to Kidney FailureSevere

      Stevens-Johnson SyndromeSevere

      SuicidalSevere

      Syndrome of Inappropriate Antidiuretic Hormone SecretionSevere

      Thoughts of Hurting or Killing OthersSevere

      Aggressive BehaviorLess Severe

      Bleeding Not Related to Menstrual PeriodLess Severe

      DeliriumLess Severe

      Dilated PupilLess Severe

      False Sense of Well-BeingLess Severe

      Feeling Anger Toward SomethingLess Severe

      Feeling FaintLess Severe

      Hemorrhage from the GumsLess Severe

      Hemorrhage of Blood Under the SkinLess Severe

      High Blood SugarLess Severe

      low blood sugarLess Severe

      Muscle StiffnessLess Severe

      Muscle WeaknessLess Severe

      Numbness and TinglingLess Severe

      Panic DisorderLess Severe

      Problem BehaviorLess Severe

      Puffy Face from Water RetentionLess Severe

      Sun-Sensitive SkinLess Severe

      Swollen Lymph NodesLess Severe

      Taste ProblemsLess Severe

      Trouble BreathingLess Severe

      Urination During the NightLess Severe

    • michie99
      michie99

      Posted

      That is an awful LONGGGG list. Of some awful, awful life threatening issues.
    • ann55375
      ann55375 michie99

      Posted

      My golly there are so many it would put you off.  Maybe its possible to get better without drugs???   I dont know because i feel so awful need something.
    • michie99
      michie99 ann55375

      Posted

      Ann you may be on to something with trintillex, I have only just begun to research this but so far I have learned it has no effect on heart rate, or blood pressure. And the side effect list is much, much shorter.
    • ann55375
      ann55375 michie99

      Posted

      Look forward to hearing if you find anything else positive, thats good you did find something.
    • ann55375
      ann55375 michie99

      Posted

      I am in a bit of a mess because i had pulmonary embolisms and now on warfarin.  This reacra with many anti deps so my choice is linited anyway.  All i know is that i am now depressed, anxious and wake every morning almost crying and very upset till i get eyes open to face another day.   I have rejected most friends approaches to see me i feel so bad.  I just need something to give me a will to live.
    • michie99
      michie99 ann55375

      Posted

      Its an awful feeling. Just keep talking to your doctor. The list is much shorter for side effects but giving your other health issues I can understand your worry for starting it. 
  • michelle1015
    michelle1015 michie99

    Posted

    This sounds sooooo familar....Anxiety since I was 19....some years were better than others....my 1st and 2nd child things were pretty good, but after my 3rd whichnis now 18 months...Ive been dealing with PA that take me to the ER with extremely high BP. I just got my ECHO back and I read it said mild regugitation of the tricuspid and pulmonary something...A cardiac ICU RN said that during my PA my heart works harder and that so when Im ok (hahah) then my hearts fine.....see how this spirals out of control?

    Either way I just order Tranquil it has niacin, ashagwanda, magnesium, and other amino acids because I cant bear the thought of the "worse before it gets better" and side.effects from meds....I currently have a RX for effexor, I told it as a teen but things are much worse/different now. I tried zoloft which was unbearably the first 3 days. Im sure this was no help beside I am with you on all accounts!

    • michie99
      michie99 michelle1015

      Posted

      Hi Michelle,

      Im sorry you know what its like. Maybe in a warped way it does help, atleast you know your not all alone even though you wouldnt wish this type of living on anyone. I have no kids, just pets but it helps to have liviing rely on ya,, I guess. I used to live at the ER just certain they was missing something. Now its just wait it out and hope its never really something that is going to do me in. 

    • lisalisa67
      lisalisa67 michelle1015

      Posted

      I have that tricuspid thing. Your born with that i have a mitral valave prolapse as well. That isnt from anxiety. Thats just you how you were born. I dont know about the rest just saw that and was like oh wow i have that tricuspid thing.never gave it a second thought. Haha ,meanwhile i get anxiety so who knows but never was noted as an issue by any cardio dr.some shmptoms woth mvp mimic anxiety but they feel different ao you know it isnt. No fear attached to it and its fast like two minutes then gone.
    • lisalisa67
      lisalisa67

      Posted

      ooh so sorry about the typos
    • michie99
      michie99 lisalisa67

      Posted

      Lisa, you did read the hypochondriac part right? LOL. Jesus now im readin up on that. I had a bunch of heart test done when I was younger nothing came up that concerned the doctors. But that was like 15-20 yrs ago. From what I am reading it doesnt sound good. At all.
    • lisalisa67
      lisalisa67 michie99

      Posted

      Google is so useless. They give you the prudent response and way too much info and neither what was noted effects much of anything. No one is 100 percent perfect inside of them. Look according to dr. Google you go to the go and they give the mist thourough exams and run tests galore. And soecialist are knowledgable and oerfect medical professiinals. I havent run into any if those have you. It would take three or four hours a patient to follow dr. Google and bankruot the averga givernment in no time, you cant really believe all that you read. I have xanthelesma some plaque junk had it removed i see it returning. You know dr. Google told me its very rare in the usa.very rae and mistly asian. For oetes sake i dint know who write that crap. I think that was actually webmd. Stuoid and its false. Theres eye surgeon all over that see it all the time. So personally dr. Google is not so bright to me, 
    • michie99
      michie99

      Posted

      update. Echo is normal so no leaky valves. Also had am arm that just decided to start swelling last week, docs thought a blood clot, and because my arm was sore they also ran a bunch of heart test. Nothing wrong.. fit as a fiddle. Hey aleast now some of my symtoms are actually visual so this time I didnt get treated like the hypochondriac I have become. But still the ending sentence from the ER doctor was, its not your heart or a blood clot so whatever it is your doctor will have to start ruling things out.. Lupus, MS.. bla bla bla. Then I tell all this to my Doc and when the echo comes back normal I get a call from the assistant saying your echo is normal..........  Nothing else. I say well whats next? Something must be causing me to swell up? and I get from her.. that he didnt schedule any more test or an apt.  I say so he is not interested in helping me figure this out?  She said Ill get back to you after talking to him.

      So the moral of this story.. I have had health issues for years mainly ones that arent visual and doctors dont care to fix them, now they are visual, in their face, and they still do not care to figure it out. and we want them to fix mental problems they cant even see? We just got to be strong and try to deal the best we can with the cards we have been dealt. Years ago I was  diagnosed with MS but when I went to get a second opinion I refused a spinal tap so she refused to diagnose. Maybe many of us have a very slow progession of a disease that doctors just cant figure out. Maybe in some ways even though its hell we are lucky because we are still here and its not bad enough to end our lives. Maybe

      we are luckier then fell.

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