Does anyone else feel like manic episodes destroy their life and cause damage beyond repair?
Posted , 9 users are following.
With my manic episodes, I feel like I'm in a constant cycle of having my life destroyed and having to start all over again. Does anyone else feel like this? Has anyone ever done or said anything whilst they've been unwell that has caused damage beyond repair? Over Christmas I had an episode where I ended up writing horrible things on social media about my partner and now his Mom refuses to see me and won't have anything to do with me, despite knowing I was unwell at the time. It's ruined my life and I don't know what I can do to make things better. It makes me feel sick and like I don't want to be here anymore. Will things ever improve and can I trust people to develop a level of understanding and compassion?
4 likes, 31 replies
Alwaysalone Dizzy88
Posted
Dear Dizzy.
I have this "problem", too, so you aren't the only one who experiences it.
I've done many, many things i've regretted through the years - beyond repair things - that were uncontrollable at the time.
It still happens!
I lost contact with my daughter because of the manic episodes.
It takes a special person to understand it's NOT your fault and happens due to an illness that is out of your control.
I rarely remember my manic episodes, at least not completely, although sometimes i have recollections or flashbacks.
My son is the only one who seems to understand and doesn't hold what i do or say against me.
I have no friends and he is my only family because no-one else understands or tries to understand.
It's horrible, and it's lonely.
I know how you feel, and i'm sorry that i can't say anything to help you.
Have you tried any meds?
Swinging_Sister Alwaysalone
Posted
i lost my oldest daughter, too. thank you for sharing this. i lost a marriage, but the daughter was worse...... i don't know how to friend anyone on here, but i would if i knew how. thank you for sharing.
justine97840 Dizzy88
Posted
Hi,
My partner is the sufferer we have been together nearly 2 yrs the 1st time he had a mania i was left in wonderment at what had happened. This kind caring man I knew had been replaced by "a monster" he said some horrible things made me feel terrible and couldnt figure out what id done to deserve it. The following day he was so appologetic so had to put it down to hed had too much to drink. Over the last 18mth hes been up and down like a yo yo. He isnt diagnosed however ive seen this all before with a family member so put all the pieces together. He follows an 11-13 week cycle so in clinical terms is rapid cycling. Ive tried everything to get him to seek help and will say he will however never follows through. hes been married twice before and can understand why the marriages broke down cause as much as it pains me to say if i hadnt realised what it was i would have left long ago. I just keep telling myself this is not him its the illness the man i know is kind and loving. truth is they are both him and always will be. His manias have caused no end of problems. My belief is if the non sufferers knew how this dreadful illness literaly eats away at the person they would be way more understanding and in some ways be able to help and mentally prepare for it. Sometimes he opens up and tells me whats bothering or has bothered him and we talk it through looking at all sides of the issue or problem and I try to help him see things objectivly, sometimes he does sometimes he doesnt. Trust is a 2 way street you need to trust someone to listen, hear and observe you also need to trust them when they say your behaviour is changing, as from experience im sure you dont feel any diffrent however in my experience there are warning signs on the lead up to mania. They then have to trust that you will listen to observations and then reason when things start to escalate. I know my partner feels so guilty when it happens but he has no clue until its over, and sometimes his memories of whats happened are diffrent from the truth but to him and his bipolar brain his memories really are the truth. I see his frustration every day even when stable. I feel for everyone who both has this illness and has to witness it, its hard for all of us. Although my partner is still somewhat sceptical about my "you need to talk about things" approach I 100% believe that clear effective communication can be the key to much better understanding for everyone. I will always be here for him to support and encourage I love this man with everything I have and refuse to just give up and walk away even though at times yes he hurts me with the things he says. I dont for 1 min believe im the only person who can be understanding and compassionate so try and let people in and hopefully they will suprise you.
Alwaysalone justine97840
Posted
Hi Justine.
Your partner is very lucky to have you by his side and in his corner.
I wish there were more people like you out there. If there were, people like me and many, many others wouldn't be alone.
As you say, bipolar is a dreaful and horrible disease.
Amazing and sensitive are two words that spring to mind to describe you.
Your partner is lucky to be loved so much by you. Except for my son, my entire family disowned me.
All the best for your future, altho it sounds like things will work out well for you both.
Best regards
karin65289 Dizzy88
Posted
Yup. I'm doing everything I can to control the mania. 7 years ago when I totally alientated m adult sons I decided to take Lithium. As a result I don't have the scope of high (and lows) and am taking more responsibilty for my actions. I really wish you well. Someday I might feel brave enough to count the friend and family I lost beyond repair.
Dizzy88 karin65289
Posted
I think there's still a big lack of understanding that's to blame for people's reaction to things. It's sad that people can be compassionate and understanding when it comes to other illnesses but lack empathy with mental illness. I do think people can change though so maybe one day people will come round and judge you on what they know of you as a person rather than the short periods of time when you weren't yourself.
Swinging_Sister Dizzy88
Posted
BadNewsBrain Dizzy88
Posted
Bipolars are such a small group (less than 1% of population) that most people have little experience of them, and those that do have little sympathy, eg. 'you may have been manic but you didn't have to say/do the things you did' etc.. I've been cold-shouldered by my son for a year while manicly telling his partner that she was not suited to the job she had just got (turned out she wasn't and resigned fairly soon afterwards, but that counted for nothing). I apologised to my daughter for my lack of attention to her and my grandkids, at last getting round to telling her I am biplolar, and the response I got was: 'why didn't you tell me this before? This could affect my kids!". I've been banned from a local shop for staring silently at a store assistant while my mind locked, I can't get past job interviews because my weirdness comes out, and I have several convictions for drugs which I used in my desperate attempts to control my own moods when the meds didnt work - making work even harder to get. Mania: the gift that is a curse.
karin65289 Dizzy88
Posted
Dear Dizzy,
I share your problem, you are not alone. Sometimes I think that I've done so much damage that no one could understand except, perhaps another BP. My two adult sons (32 & 41) don' have anything to do with me, the youngest hasn't talked to me, for 11 years. I can hardly believe that whatever I said or did was that bad. I guess for them, over the years it was that bad. No competion here, just letting you know that you are not alone. How does one even begin to rectif
karin65289
Posted
begin to rectify things? Over the course of life I've done things I would never want to tell another person. Maybe for family members and ex-friends it's all just too much to deal with. All you can do is to do your best, make ammends - if possible and go forward. I can be a very painful road.
Alwaysalone karin65289
Posted
...How can or do you make amends if no-one will allow you to?
...How can or do you make amends for things you don't or can't remember doing or saying?
Altho i have tried to apologise, make amends and break the barriers for things i can't recall, i also wonder why i should have to..? - unless what has been said or done is unforgivable to anyone but myself.
People don't apologise for having cancer or some other horrible illness, and that's what bipolar disorder is.
It's not my fault i have it;
It's not my fault it has symptoms and problems that i am unable to control;
It's not my fault people refuse to see it as an illness;
But it breaks my heart that it destroys relationships and ruins lives.
It is a horrible thing to be afflicted with and a horrible thing for others to have to try to deal with.
It causes so much pain and isolation.
I HATE IT!!!
(as i'm sure all you guys with it and connected with it do as well).
It IS a painful and horrible road of absolute hell...for everyone involved!!!
Alwaysalone karin65289
Posted
...How can or do you make amends if no-one will allow you to?
...How can or do you make amends for things you don't or can't remember doing or saying?
Altho i have tried to apologise, make amends and break the barriers for things i can't recall, i also wonder why i should have to..? - unless what has been said or done is unforgivable to anyone but myself.
People don't apologise for having cancer or some other horrible illness, and that's what bipolar disorder is.
It's not my fault i have it;
It's not my fault it has symptoms and problems that i am unable to control;
It's not my fault people refuse to see it as an illness;
But it breaks my heart that it destroys relationships and ruins lives.
It is a horrible thing to be afflicted with and a horrible thing for others to have to try to deal with.
It causes so much pain and isolation.
I HATE IT!!!
(as i'm sure all you guys with it and connected with it do as well).
It IS a painful and horrible road of absolute hell...for everyone involved!!!
Swinging_Sister karin65289
Posted
Swinging_Sister Alwaysalone
Posted
Swinging_Sister Dizzy88
Posted
Alwaysalone Swinging_Sister
Posted
I am not necessarily ashamed of things i have done as my manic episodes took/take me beyond people i know, so i am aware nothing i do or have done in those times is known to anyone except for those i was in contact with at the time; and because i am in the company of strangers and most times am unable to recall the entirety of the episode, i quietly dismiss those episodes.
There are and have been times, tho, where things have been said or done to those i was closest to, things i would give anything to take back; times i wish this disease didn't show a glimpse of its capabilities.
These are the times i regret.
Yes, i know i will "pull out of it sometime", but whilst waiting for that sometime, a lot of damage can be done.
I also go on a day to day basis, and have minimalised my circle of friends to zero so no more pain is administered.
My family has dwindled to singular because the rest can't accept and don't want to deal with the fact that i am unwell in the sense that i will never be normal.
My singular family member has seen me at my best and at my very worst, and everything and everywhere in between. He has seen me locked up, hospitalised, shot so full of anti-depressants and calmatives whilst tethered to a bed, and curled up in a cupboard corner sobbing and hiding from this wonderful, caring society.
The other family members saw none of this, heard nothing of what i semi-recall screaming, and neither did any of the friends i once had.
It takes a very special person to stand beside and love someone so unconditionally, especially where bipolar disorder is involved.
I accept i will never again have friends or family to spend special times with, or a partner to take the edge off being alone and lonely when i need a hug or just need to know someone is there if i need a chat or just to watch a movie with.
Being bipolar is hell...in so many ways, and for so many people.
If we're not hurting others with our "outbursts", we're hurting ourselves with what is left.
karin65289 Alwaysalone
Posted
Hi A-alone
I went to send you a private email and discovered that I accidently deleted your e-address. I am happy to write everyday, it's nice to get mail and especially nice to know that someone might come close to understanding this challenging illness. KIarin
Swinging_Sister Alwaysalone
Posted
Thank you for this response. i think on these sights, i ( we ) try to remain positive for others, but sometimes it is our true experience that helps others. i also have dwindled my friends to zero. literally. i had no idea any one else did that. it has become necessary for me at this time because it takes
so much pressure off of me. i cannot take the constant judgement.
My famiy, ( siblings) have done nothing to try to understand me or this
illness and so when i am around them i am just not ever myself and
it is seldom. i don't know how old you are, but i am starting to try to
take the pressure of of me, that i should be out in the world doing
what othes are doing. i just need to accept myself and what i can do
on any given day. sometimes i say that if is so hard to wake up in the
morning every day and not know which way the wind is going to blow for
me. i don't know anyone that can understand this concept. thanks for
your honest reply.
Alwaysalone Swinging_Sister
Posted
Hi swinging sister.
You're welcome for the response and i'm glad it helped you see you are not alone in some of the points you brought up.
I used to think i was odd for having no friends but i realised it was better for them, and myself, to sever the ties.
Without them, altho i'd like some every now and then, i no longer have to watch what i say and/or do, and i don't have to go AWOL every so often leaving them wondering why i've disappeared.
I didn't so much as dwindle my family down as them cut me off. However, over time i did cut down the gatherings i was invited to.
Like yourself, i got sick of being judged, always watched and judged, then discussed.
I am late 40's and want nothing to do with the world outside my door.
Sure, the manic times beckon like the moon to a werewolf, but now i feel that i am too fat, too old and too out of touch with what goes on out there. I fight off the "callings" as best i can and look to my son to keep me indoors...and out of trouble.
I understand your concept of thought. One day at a time seems the easiest way to get by for me but even then it's not enough.
Some days i want to join the society that shuns me but on those days i remind myself of certain traits that pull me back to what i have found works best for me - being alone.
People are unforgiving, as with my parents and siblings, and daughter as well, and as i was never lucky enough to find an understanding and unjudgemental partner, i go it alone with the unconditional love of my son.
If you feel you want to get back out there, do it in your own time.
Check the wind direction and take it from there.
All the best.
Swinging_Sister Alwaysalone
Posted
Swinging_Sister karin65289
Posted