Does this sound like someone with bipolar?
Posted , 4 users are following.
I first became different from everyone when I was at primary school. I was about 7 or 8 and really needed to use the toilet in assembly and thought that the teachers wouldn’t let me go and very nearly had an accident. Ever since then I’ve had this phobia that I might have an accident in public and have always avoided situations without toilets and nearly always had panic attacks in those situations. That has cause a lot of bother in my life and has really restricted what I’ve been able to do in life too – no car journeys, holidays, even walking down a street with no toilet along it. I saw a therapist at 18 but he was an amateur and kept messing up and I got annoyed and stopped going.
I failed my A-Levels because I lost motivation and when I did eventually get into university I failed the first year because of a bit of a breakdown and then failed the second year for basically the same reason. I go through a phase of having no motivation at all and a real empty sort of depression where I feel unmotivated, unworthy and I have no interest in anything or anybody and become quite reclusive. My attendance was bad at Uni. mainly because I had a phobia of being in a lecture and needing the toilet and not being able to go and once I missed one I missed the whole lot and sunk right down.
It was my first year of Uni. that I became a bit obsessed with a girl. She wasn’t interested in me but I couldn’t take no for an answer and all I could think about was this girl. It went on for a month or two and became quite annoying for some people, mainly her. When I wasn’t depressed about it I thought it was humorous and used to make jokes about it and didn’t take the thing seriously at all. One day I had a sort of revelation and decided to turn my life around and made my sleeping patterns return to normal, stopped drinking so much, became more sociable, completely ignored the girl (I never did forget her) and was able to exist without her again. I took a great interest in my guitar and went to the gym. I got a girlfriend and was happy for a bit.
I changed course and re-started the first year of Uni. again but soon became unmotivated, lost interest in the course, and went back into myself again. I still kept up a social life and still managed to hand in some very good piece of work, regularly achieving firsts and other good grades but it was a real struggle. I still played guitar but didn’t practice much at all. I did get a band together with the aim of singing (I’d never sung publicly in my life) and playing guitar (I couldn’t play that well). That idea failed due to no real genuinity in it.
I then worked for a boat company on the River Thames and life was great again. The social life was great and I was good at my job and seriously considered a career in that profession but was sacked after 6 months or so due to “laziness”. I’m very laid-back and mostly don’t talk to anyone I don’t think I have reason to. I got a name for being lazy and went along with it as a joke but it backfired. It was also this time that I discovered I failed my second year of university and the two combined sent me into the darkest depression of my life so far. The only thing keeping me going was a beautiful girlfriend who eventually had enough of a depressed and unmotivated boyfriend and left me too, compounding my depression.
I then got a job in an office and for 4 years was just a shadow. I took no interest girls other than thinking about nice ones as I masturbated as much as 5 times a day. I swung from not being remotely interested in my friends to meeting them and being the most conversive and entertaining person they’d ever met (in my eyes anyway), the life and soul as they say. 4 months ago I quit that job with no job to go to with enough savings to live for 4 months independently but nothing more. In those 4 months I haven’t even applied for one job. I haven’t even looked for a job. Now I have to move back in with my family. I don’t feel like I can do any job that exists out there but at the same time feel that I can do anything I want as long as I put my mind to it.
As I said before, I am quite laid-back, patient and good natured but I can experience these real big angry mood swings when things don’t go my way which has got me into trouble in the past. I’m rude to people and sometimes destroy things. For example I was having trouble a few days ago with the photocopier in the library that time and time again was jamming and taking more of my money and just walked out with credit in the machine and the job half-done as I came so close to smashing the thing up and verbally attacking the library assistant. Rudeness and dismissiveness really angers me too. Sometimes, mainly when I was young and in my teens, I have been violent to people then felt really bad about it after.
Another thing I do is suddenly become as if I have had a revelation and try to change my life around in one fell swoop, as they say. I make lists, try to give structure to my life, leave life-affirming quotes and messages for myself, write pages and pages of things to do and learn and really dive head-first into my hobbies like I’m going to become the greatest in the world at that thing (guitar, songwriting, speaking French or Dutch, becoming a genius, creating art, philosophy, learning etc) and do really well in these things until I lose interest, start to question it all (not suicidal, I’d never do that), and go back to staying in bed all day, not washing, not brushing my teeth, smoking weed, smoking tobacco, not wanting anything to do with my friends, being annoyed by their ways and attitudes and stupidity, masturbating and looking at porn.
When I’m on what I think is an up phase I think I’m great. I think I’m handsome and am better than everyone else and have more of a right to things than other people. I get caught up in a hobby and amaze myself at the dedication I give it and construct a great plan to become the best the world has ever seen at that hobby. I’m constantly looking out for things that might help me get to that level including spending money on books and things like that. I don’t go on massive shopping sprees that cost a fortune but always go to charity shops and buy 4 or 5 books that I think will get me to that level but never read them. I’ve got hundreds of books I’ll never read, even if I did have time. I’ve never had any money so that sort of spending spree is quite bad even though it might amount to only £10 or something similar. That moment has passed. I’m rarely interested in something when the moment’s passed. Quite often I get depressed from failing at one of my grand plans.
One of the worst things I do is try to reach such a high that it will eclipse that previous record. I got to the stage where I was smoking weed, drinking alcohol, sniffing poppers and masturbating over internet porn to get that high and was all I did night after night for weeks.
I’ve never got on well with alcohol. If I’m depressed it makes me more depressed and if I’m feeling good it makes me feel very good and I used to ring people in the middle of the night looking for conversation, until my list of friends diminished. The next day even if I’m not hung-over I feel rotten. I feel really guilty and cringe-worthy even if I haven’t done anything to be guilty or cringe-worthy about. I feel let down by my behaviour in a way. It’s a feeling I find hard to express. When I smoked that just made me feel lethargic, down, drained and sh*t. No-one I’ve spoke to will admit to feeling like that with smoking.
I’ve never felt inclined to commit suicide (I’ve thought about it rationally and rejected it as a viable solution) and my depression manifests itself more in amotivation than anything else. Having no motivation is the story of my life. I think because when I’m feeling good I no what’s its like to really feel alive and see how much opportunity there is in life. I’ve always been quite level-headed and intelligent so have rarely done anything foolish or burnt my bridges. I haven’t really spoken to a doctor about any of this and have only just really started reading into bipolar disorder. I don’t like doctors and see them as self-interested amateurs and my experience of them seems to back this up. I’ve used anti-depressants in the past for my anxiety but only for a week or two as they interfered to much with my all-important sex-life by making me unable to orgasm.
Socially I’ve never really been able to keep up. No sooner to I meet people and get a good crowd of friends but I start rejecting them and either looking elsewhere for more stimulating interaction or sink into myself. Being up and down shares similarities with each other for me. When I’m down I don’t want to interact with people and when I’m up I can’t be bothered with them. They don’t do enough for me. When I’m down I masturbate a lot. When I’m up I masturbate a lot. When I’m up and down I’m very insular and mainly exist within.
I’m always being told I’m extremely intelligent and I agree. They tell me I should be doing more than I do and I’m holding myself back but that makes me feel bad because I know that but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve tried and failed many times. I can’t hold educational course down and really abhor authority. I’m not shy and I’m not outgoing. I seem to be both depending on how I feel that day. I’ve never really understood how you can be one and not the other all your life.
Another thing is I’m really into ideas (History of Ideas and Philosophy was my Uni. course) and once I get started on a subject I know about (quite a few) I can talk for hours but most of the time I think people aren’t worth wasting my time on so I seem rude and arrogant. I seem to have a head-full of ideas, solutions and explanations that I need to do something with them.
I started myself on St John’s Wort a few weeks ago and the same day I started I started feeling much better and quite high and determined. Since then I’ve been studying song-writing, sight-reading and playing guitar like its going out of fashion and have been a lot more sociable and positive. All I want to do is succeed and create something to be proud of. My appetite has basically vanished or at least is well bellow the point when I’m down and eat too much and put on weight.
So hopefully you’ve made it through all that. Its long but I’ve had some beers, I’m feeling good and its 3 in the morning and I want to get it all down while I feel like I can. The basic question is – does this sound like someone who has bipolar disorder or someone with long-term depression or what? Or am I looking too much into it after having read about bipolar disorder? Maybe I’ve subconsciously made it sound more like its bipolar than it is. Also has anyone else experienced similar things to what I’ve just written about? If you want to reply to this message please feel free to do so or email me at gig88888 hotmail com
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Guest
Posted
I keep this stuff to myself, try to hide the way i really am with most, so i need the 007 identity i guess.
Gig, I apologise for grabbing the thread. Ms Tears, i guess i must be careful not to try to try and be the expert, i know much of what i have to manage, and have done the research, but you may have more to deal with and there are different ways to sort differect problems. There is always more than one reason why you feel the way you do.
Without doubt it does help if you can get the chaos in your head out someplace else. Writing stuff down is useful, it helps you put it in some shape, it helps you work some stuff out i feel. Dont do any harm neither i feel, just so long as you dont put too much detail 'out there' for others to feed off, who may not have the good intentions you'd wish for.
The other thing that seems to work is getting my day, life into a routine. easier for some than others. The sleep you have seems to be all over the place and your whole system is dependant on a good sleep wake cycle. Many with mood problems, dont/ cant get the right sleep. They sleep too much, too little and thats as bad as the wrong meds. The Alcohol also affects the type of sleep you get so you knock yourself out and dont get the type of sleep you need to recover from the way u feeling. Plenty of ways to feed the choas, but there a re a few ways to calm the stuff down too, if you look for them.
I fully appreciate this stuff is real tough for people to deal with, i know how difficult it is on this rollercoaster we didnt pay a ticket for. However,
for sure, you can get off it, and with help you can get on the level. Its hard work most of the time, but take 5 and have a good day if you can.
Many will not get the peace of mind others take for granted, but trust me its worth working for. If the help you get at the moment is not helping you, ask what you can change to help yourself. You are not on your own even if some days it feels you are. Take care
Guest
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My head is killing me- such a bad headache , thought I was going to throw at work. Then and OMG - ive made just a little mistake and my boss was not happy with me. But recovereed. this is the thing, when she was telling me wat I had done it was( well like I was at priamry school,, like I had murdered someone and I just felt like crying buckets. But then , thinking...sod that for a laugh dont do it. blinking back the tears and thinking , how come mother of 2 cant cope in a shop job. Thats depressing|!!!!!
Anyway, walking home and could not help but laugh ( yes, laugh hysterically all the way home, all the way home....thinking jesus I take life far too seriously.) I must have had a side track thought the last time I was there and started to throw things in boxes (Whoops!!!) This is the thing, though regardless of my sore head, and the fact I had little over 2 hours sleep last night I am still wide awake. But this situation just makes me think OMg - will I ever be able to hold down a job?
Then I came home, binged for Scotland. thinking that would knock me out. Nope it did not, and now I am sitting here typing jibberish on my computer. I duont know, i know for sure its more than just alcohol and I know for sure I dont know where to trun. Then there is the stigma, can I really be bothered to get the correct diagnosis, if thats what it is, and then once I get recognition, will have the fight left to battle through it. Am I too old to be thinking this way? Is it too late? Will I ever be able to change? Anyway, popping out for some Night Nurse, I am sick of feeling that I make mistakes due to alcohol, or that I cant cope due to my intake. Ill just use NN until I am ready to sleep properly. I am sick of this . Its a mess. if I dont get it sorted Ill end up dead , young and my children need me. What am I going to do? i am so frustrated by the system - even if I were to try and get my point acrooss ( which In my view and with my disorganisation a pretty impossibility) I would not know if I would be making myself clear , being understood, or waffling a pile of waffle that no one really cares about. What if its not bipolar ? What if its schizophrenia? Can the bipolar state turn into this? OG Ive had ebough thinking about it. Really maybe I should just stick to my guns and stay with the Yup I am an alcoholic, and Ill be fine once I am off the booze.
If I do that Ill never get of the stuff - coz I hurt and cant cope withit.Not one little bit, Or I can ditch the hurt and be completely hyper and lack any kind of empathy. Live in cloud cuckoo land to escape. I dont understand . Right , okay after another waffle I will go google that Dr Amen.
What meds do you take? And how did you get round all theses issues?
Guest
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Am I dyslexic then?
Really, i feel sick. Does this mean Ive probably passed this onto my youngest !!!??? Oh no....thats so not good so not happy. All the characteristics of ADHD were me as a child. I was very clingy with my mother, Bed wet, Its just about all of them except for the raging part (Id never be allowed to rage) Id get frustrated and cry and cry and cry as Id want to rage but id get too scared. Sh....t it all fits and some then thers the rest , the rest of the stuff I have to deal with and now my head is banging and I am going to have to have a drinK ( I not going to have a drink - nope!) . there is the other aspect the lack of social ability ( thats me) and it was all aprt from one that have all been reported. Am I just in a panic? Please someone teel me I am ....this is not fair!!!!!
More than anything, I am concerned about my gal safter reading all that.. Hopefully , it was all to do with the way i was put on this planet, rather than genetics!!! Okay, I am in a blind panic for fear that my children are at risk. I wouldnt wish my crazy messed up head on anyone.
Had I gone for help earlier, do you think my relationship would have stood for longer? I no longer fear shouting ( like Iused to ) Not with my partner for some reason, but I am still a little whimpa round my parents. What is all that about, yet hehe has done more harm than my parents have done ( I think) I dont know , I am really very confused. so confused. i think, hmm maybe I should not read anymore into this, I knpw only to well of how when you study such stuuf you think , yuop thats me, and so far I think I could safely say I pretty much cover my degree- :lol: :lol: :lol: Ive got it all :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Well , I did say, did I not? It is a all or nothing thing with me.
Guest
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Maybe its a bug.
Anyway, read a bit on this condition. I dont know if i am . I do definately have all the symptoms, but definately steer towards the depressed side of things 75% of the time. feeling so alone. Just wanted to chat. Fed up having headaches like these and todya Ive drank my weight in water.
Guest
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For me with DNA i inherited, i just have a different brain to most. Its just the way it is, and i do my best with what i have.
There are high achievers in this world who could be described at boarderline hypomanic and they do great things. Most of us can do great things i believe. A great thing for one person i guess is different to another. I think folks with mania can get spoilt in a way thinking some days that they are jesus christ, or some changer of the world. But if you can aim for something more realistic, there is more achievement in the long run i feel in lowering the greatness aspiration.
IMO try to aim for no hypomania. (What goes up... )Aim for finding a treatment which levels you off whithout switching you off, there are good meds out there if you are careful, and take your time. Be it Lithium, Tegretol, Valporate, Lamacil, there is usually something that works, but its often very different for different people. You dont need a qualified professional to make your own diagnosis, but to get help a qualifieid professional is exacly what you need to take a full history, work out whats wrong and give you advice based on experience, knowlege and insight.
You can never have enough advice i feel.
Ms Tiny, if you could quit the booze it may help you a lot, maybe more than you'd know, but its not as simple as that i know. Anti depressants can make you worse not better, so maybe ask doc, cpn re your options for a mood stabiliser, see what they say. Can do you no harm to look at alternatives.
I appreciate is all very easy to say, easy for me to give advice, but i read the other day that depression is a state that you have to feed to maintain it. Sounds crazy, but if you feed the depression with booze, bad sleep, lack of excercise etc then you dont feel better, and you cant get better. What's so hard someties to get out of that downwards spiral. I know it aint easy! I know all too well how difficult this stuff is.
Guest
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What if my eyesight is connected to my brain thinking/structures - I guess it must be.
Yeah, Sylvia Plath, ben Stillers, Vincent van Gogh Sting and more ( Not sure about ted Hughes :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ) all have somesort of dipolar condition, so it cant be that rare. Note how there is a common ground among all these peole, they are all creative creatures.....okay well, its definately got something to do with it. So we just all have big imaginations then? Even Beethoven. (That does not help with the grandiose ideas- though eh?)
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Its more tahn drink , its pure emotion exhaustive emotions takng over my existence. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!
Gig
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Now Ive got to go to work and worry about wtf to do all day. I will stop the crying coz I have to , because I am a mature adult. Grown ups should not cry like this. Then I ll do my shift, - then Ill think god of I can do that , I can do anything.
And what - astress class to sort this out- they are having a laugh?????
Ive been like this for years, before having children , I remeber taking a benny , coz I could not find a vest, getting really upset and then crying ( and thats without the wine) and , what ? This is just stress?? Fits of rage and anger...and then onto cloud 9 , (glad when its over, nothing is wrong) me. Grrr!!! Wel, sorry , but too stressed to mae it to a stress class, and its too dark and cold, . I just want to cuddle up with my children tonight. Been a bad enough parent as it is, after todays show.
Hope the rest of you are doing better than me. This is ....grrrr!!!!
Guest
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The thing is, by doing this I will beshooting myself in the foot as my cpn will be ready to give up on me, and that will be that.
Really though, I have been like this for so long, what is the point in seeking help? Its too late now!
Guest
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Oh , (Whoops ) I did manage to crack a number of jokes today. But dont think anyone got them.
Like, why the f am I playing with Nuts in a shop window? Have I gone mad?
Or dont be alarmed. The security men are coming.
Or , the screw ins (as they are called)...........(lol) So and so ....can you get me a long screw in? ( Oh dear)
OMG.....did no one get them ? Have Igone barmy? Barney bear , youdont get a look in.......no its me Tiny Tears has gone a lot more purple.
Anyway, must dash. I wonder if I will be able to sleep again?
Or, will it be like this forever??? Am I now addicted to PUK? Is there any othe websites I could go to? I mean really, I have no idea whose reading these. Thats a bit dodgey!!!!Or is it dodgie? Too tired now.
Guest
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You sure seem pretty manic from what you've put here. Doesnt seem to be much keeping it in check and I really think there must be better help you can get. Your mood seems ... all over the place!
Thats no good for you, or the people around you.
I dont think its ever too late to look at what you could do to get this stuff in check. No-one is a lost cause, there are always options for you. It might not seem that way, but there is hope for you.
I would urge you to ask your CPN if they believe you could have a bipolar condition, and if so, talk about what meds would level you off a little. Its for a psychiatrist to tell u probably. They may be able to prescribe something to get you the sleep you need. Often the less sleep you get the crazier you day can be.
On some level you seem to cope, on another you're all over the place. There is no miracle solution but it maybe that with correct diagnosis and meds, you could get a whole lot better. Maybe write them a letter or something, it would help you focus on the key questions you're fighting with.
You take care ok! You need not be like this forever, you can get things into order. You need to work on what changes you can make to get things better. It may be as hard for your CPN as it is for you to see any prospect of improvement, but you need not solve everything in one go.
Its a positive you have some support as some people have nothing.
I dont know if you have a diagnosis of bipolar, or whether if you had one it would help you, but i feel there may be better meds to bring you on the level than maybe what you currenty take. Seems that way to me.
i dont think an addiction to PUK is gonna do you much harm, if you got yourself stable, your future could be much better. Better is worth aiming for, for you, and you kids. I know that for sure.
My life was pretty much screwed for years. Then i found the right meds, and i found the right help. Then i rebuilt my life. I am not you, and you sure have some stuff to deal with, but you can improve things and i wish the best for you.
Guest
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I cant stop eating fruit.......................gums!!!!!
I dont know, still cant get it. I cant switch off. Thinking Ill have some wine tonight as nothing is working. Sister really upset me lastt night and I dont know why she manage s to dig away at me aso badly.
see, its all to do with association. Everytime i see a child now with a security blanket and sucking their thumb , ( I think ...oh oh,,,,,theres another one).
These fruit gums apparently have some sort of pig fat in and the more you eat them the more you crave this type of fat. Apparently, if you are muslim you cant eat them........
Anyway, fee;ling better , now its nearly night time.I am supposse to be at a stress class, but thats far too stressful for me...all the talk off it made my muscles ache, id want sleep a, and then Id come away feeling really muscle achet...on top of everything else (with work and my training nights and my house orderly...(Dont laugh) My dissoraganisation), I find the stress class too stressful :lol: Its not really funny though, as now my cpn is going to be annoyed with me. She did say that she would not speak to me if I didnt go (well , oh dear) If it was a joke then I can take that , but if not (whoops!).
Anyway, I hope you are ok and thank you for your support. TT