Does this sound like someone with bipolar?
Posted , 4 users are following.
I first became different from everyone when I was at primary school. I was about 7 or 8 and really needed to use the toilet in assembly and thought that the teachers wouldn’t let me go and very nearly had an accident. Ever since then I’ve had this phobia that I might have an accident in public and have always avoided situations without toilets and nearly always had panic attacks in those situations. That has cause a lot of bother in my life and has really restricted what I’ve been able to do in life too – no car journeys, holidays, even walking down a street with no toilet along it. I saw a therapist at 18 but he was an amateur and kept messing up and I got annoyed and stopped going.
I failed my A-Levels because I lost motivation and when I did eventually get into university I failed the first year because of a bit of a breakdown and then failed the second year for basically the same reason. I go through a phase of having no motivation at all and a real empty sort of depression where I feel unmotivated, unworthy and I have no interest in anything or anybody and become quite reclusive. My attendance was bad at Uni. mainly because I had a phobia of being in a lecture and needing the toilet and not being able to go and once I missed one I missed the whole lot and sunk right down.
It was my first year of Uni. that I became a bit obsessed with a girl. She wasn’t interested in me but I couldn’t take no for an answer and all I could think about was this girl. It went on for a month or two and became quite annoying for some people, mainly her. When I wasn’t depressed about it I thought it was humorous and used to make jokes about it and didn’t take the thing seriously at all. One day I had a sort of revelation and decided to turn my life around and made my sleeping patterns return to normal, stopped drinking so much, became more sociable, completely ignored the girl (I never did forget her) and was able to exist without her again. I took a great interest in my guitar and went to the gym. I got a girlfriend and was happy for a bit.
I changed course and re-started the first year of Uni. again but soon became unmotivated, lost interest in the course, and went back into myself again. I still kept up a social life and still managed to hand in some very good piece of work, regularly achieving firsts and other good grades but it was a real struggle. I still played guitar but didn’t practice much at all. I did get a band together with the aim of singing (I’d never sung publicly in my life) and playing guitar (I couldn’t play that well). That idea failed due to no real genuinity in it.
I then worked for a boat company on the River Thames and life was great again. The social life was great and I was good at my job and seriously considered a career in that profession but was sacked after 6 months or so due to “laziness”. I’m very laid-back and mostly don’t talk to anyone I don’t think I have reason to. I got a name for being lazy and went along with it as a joke but it backfired. It was also this time that I discovered I failed my second year of university and the two combined sent me into the darkest depression of my life so far. The only thing keeping me going was a beautiful girlfriend who eventually had enough of a depressed and unmotivated boyfriend and left me too, compounding my depression.
I then got a job in an office and for 4 years was just a shadow. I took no interest girls other than thinking about nice ones as I masturbated as much as 5 times a day. I swung from not being remotely interested in my friends to meeting them and being the most conversive and entertaining person they’d ever met (in my eyes anyway), the life and soul as they say. 4 months ago I quit that job with no job to go to with enough savings to live for 4 months independently but nothing more. In those 4 months I haven’t even applied for one job. I haven’t even looked for a job. Now I have to move back in with my family. I don’t feel like I can do any job that exists out there but at the same time feel that I can do anything I want as long as I put my mind to it.
As I said before, I am quite laid-back, patient and good natured but I can experience these real big angry mood swings when things don’t go my way which has got me into trouble in the past. I’m rude to people and sometimes destroy things. For example I was having trouble a few days ago with the photocopier in the library that time and time again was jamming and taking more of my money and just walked out with credit in the machine and the job half-done as I came so close to smashing the thing up and verbally attacking the library assistant. Rudeness and dismissiveness really angers me too. Sometimes, mainly when I was young and in my teens, I have been violent to people then felt really bad about it after.
Another thing I do is suddenly become as if I have had a revelation and try to change my life around in one fell swoop, as they say. I make lists, try to give structure to my life, leave life-affirming quotes and messages for myself, write pages and pages of things to do and learn and really dive head-first into my hobbies like I’m going to become the greatest in the world at that thing (guitar, songwriting, speaking French or Dutch, becoming a genius, creating art, philosophy, learning etc) and do really well in these things until I lose interest, start to question it all (not suicidal, I’d never do that), and go back to staying in bed all day, not washing, not brushing my teeth, smoking weed, smoking tobacco, not wanting anything to do with my friends, being annoyed by their ways and attitudes and stupidity, masturbating and looking at porn.
When I’m on what I think is an up phase I think I’m great. I think I’m handsome and am better than everyone else and have more of a right to things than other people. I get caught up in a hobby and amaze myself at the dedication I give it and construct a great plan to become the best the world has ever seen at that hobby. I’m constantly looking out for things that might help me get to that level including spending money on books and things like that. I don’t go on massive shopping sprees that cost a fortune but always go to charity shops and buy 4 or 5 books that I think will get me to that level but never read them. I’ve got hundreds of books I’ll never read, even if I did have time. I’ve never had any money so that sort of spending spree is quite bad even though it might amount to only £10 or something similar. That moment has passed. I’m rarely interested in something when the moment’s passed. Quite often I get depressed from failing at one of my grand plans.
One of the worst things I do is try to reach such a high that it will eclipse that previous record. I got to the stage where I was smoking weed, drinking alcohol, sniffing poppers and masturbating over internet porn to get that high and was all I did night after night for weeks.
I’ve never got on well with alcohol. If I’m depressed it makes me more depressed and if I’m feeling good it makes me feel very good and I used to ring people in the middle of the night looking for conversation, until my list of friends diminished. The next day even if I’m not hung-over I feel rotten. I feel really guilty and cringe-worthy even if I haven’t done anything to be guilty or cringe-worthy about. I feel let down by my behaviour in a way. It’s a feeling I find hard to express. When I smoked that just made me feel lethargic, down, drained and sh*t. No-one I’ve spoke to will admit to feeling like that with smoking.
I’ve never felt inclined to commit suicide (I’ve thought about it rationally and rejected it as a viable solution) and my depression manifests itself more in amotivation than anything else. Having no motivation is the story of my life. I think because when I’m feeling good I no what’s its like to really feel alive and see how much opportunity there is in life. I’ve always been quite level-headed and intelligent so have rarely done anything foolish or burnt my bridges. I haven’t really spoken to a doctor about any of this and have only just really started reading into bipolar disorder. I don’t like doctors and see them as self-interested amateurs and my experience of them seems to back this up. I’ve used anti-depressants in the past for my anxiety but only for a week or two as they interfered to much with my all-important sex-life by making me unable to orgasm.
Socially I’ve never really been able to keep up. No sooner to I meet people and get a good crowd of friends but I start rejecting them and either looking elsewhere for more stimulating interaction or sink into myself. Being up and down shares similarities with each other for me. When I’m down I don’t want to interact with people and when I’m up I can’t be bothered with them. They don’t do enough for me. When I’m down I masturbate a lot. When I’m up I masturbate a lot. When I’m up and down I’m very insular and mainly exist within.
I’m always being told I’m extremely intelligent and I agree. They tell me I should be doing more than I do and I’m holding myself back but that makes me feel bad because I know that but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve tried and failed many times. I can’t hold educational course down and really abhor authority. I’m not shy and I’m not outgoing. I seem to be both depending on how I feel that day. I’ve never really understood how you can be one and not the other all your life.
Another thing is I’m really into ideas (History of Ideas and Philosophy was my Uni. course) and once I get started on a subject I know about (quite a few) I can talk for hours but most of the time I think people aren’t worth wasting my time on so I seem rude and arrogant. I seem to have a head-full of ideas, solutions and explanations that I need to do something with them.
I started myself on St John’s Wort a few weeks ago and the same day I started I started feeling much better and quite high and determined. Since then I’ve been studying song-writing, sight-reading and playing guitar like its going out of fashion and have been a lot more sociable and positive. All I want to do is succeed and create something to be proud of. My appetite has basically vanished or at least is well bellow the point when I’m down and eat too much and put on weight.
So hopefully you’ve made it through all that. Its long but I’ve had some beers, I’m feeling good and its 3 in the morning and I want to get it all down while I feel like I can. The basic question is – does this sound like someone who has bipolar disorder or someone with long-term depression or what? Or am I looking too much into it after having read about bipolar disorder? Maybe I’ve subconsciously made it sound more like its bipolar than it is. Also has anyone else experienced similar things to what I’ve just written about? If you want to reply to this message please feel free to do so or email me at gig88888 hotmail com
0 likes, 70 replies
Guest
Posted
Horrible note on litchen table.
Had a hilarious time at work today, oh my , now back and oh heck you should see what my partner has written about me ans now so down. this is rubbish!!!!!
Laughed so hard was crying and had to lock me in a toilet to...and then (mind you, so did pretty much the rest of us)
now , gulp, put it this way spiralling down and dreading the downer.
Guest
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I am getting the blame for this financila mess. and I am getting this and the kids have trashed the house and he does not help me, not ever, The vhildrens bedroom is the worst it has ever been and it makes me more upset and all I get from him is \"I am angry enough!!!\" Excuseme, but he has no idea and i can feel me boiling in anger.
Id be more careful if ihe would not point the finger and watch me drown.Why do I care?? How is it that I can be so hyper one minute and the nest my neck has ceized up and I cant bloody move. Apparently it is me that spent all the money. ( I didnt spend any ...then I start to blaim myself, feel guilty , dreadfully guilt. In the note he has stated that I need to pput money into the account. Only to discover that out of the blue he has put money in. Oh well I could gradually keep doing this so that he cant save anympore, and then Ill know all our financil business. (Anyone think that a good idea?). He he,
Okay, electical man asks. \"Have you got any more electircal goods?\"
Me says ;\"Yes, there is the steamer in the toilet...( the steamer ......steamin in the toilet :oops: :lol: but watch it. Iycan be a bit violent!\"
Then friend asks; \"What are ya bringin up to the meetin tonight\".
me says: \"Ma kids!:
Giggle giggle. (15 trs later)
....Ma dinner. :shock: :P :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Oh and some of the conversation s we have in that place......honestly! ( You could only understand if you worked ther but it was fab today, Cant believe I nearly wet myself. Shame itss over. Ah well ,nothing good ever lasts for ever.
He is in such a fowel mood with me, and me with him. He started work at 130pm this afternoon AND WILL be home expecting tea, (Which I am not going to make) Then he will leave me the mess to clean when I come home ( I say f off MR) and then there are the dishes now and the kids room top clean and its just sh....t ( and he has a cheek to be in a bad mood with me. I am the one that ( or get up at 7ish with kids and responsibly get them there) I then come home , grab a codffee go to work. Leave work to collect kids to clean everyones mess, to be shouted at , to be hassled. Honestly had enough of this, I dont think anyone else could live like this. Now I sound like a pure nasty bitch...maybe its my hysteria taking over ( I dont know ) still not slept much ) but what is going on? There is no level here, and I cant fathom it out.
Its like :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :wah: :yikes: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :x :x :x :x :x :?:
Guest
Posted
Even the banter with the puble was good1
But then ..........Had such a laugh, (Whoops!) , I dropped those nuts, in the window :lol: :lol: :lol: (Oh, maybe youd only understand the full value of this joke, if you have had myy life experience.But god, it was funny!!! And then ........could not get a grip....( Oh how fitting :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ) and was on a hypo/am on a hypo . Its good, but not when you come across imature and just flying as high as high as can be, that people suspect you are on drugs. It also does not help that my bladder is as about as strong as a new born ant.
Came home and ate loads. And not evengoing to feel guilty about it. Nope.....I waonder if anyone is going to talk to me heree. Its getting a tad lonely!
Had my numerology report , it was very interesting and so far has reported exactly what I am like. Except according to this report I will have serial partners :lol: :lol: Well lets hope that doe not make me a serial......! (Fill in the blanks yourself.
Guest
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The thing is I might feel tired but I know I want sleep. Hmmm, I am fed up with me its al so erratic, I used to say that mum was a bit manic, but now I actually think she was and I am now 100xs worse!
Guest
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So, where do I go from here? Anyone?
katie.k.
Posted
It's really quiet on our forum too! I think maybe everyone has gone on a fantastic outing somewhere for the day, and haven't told us! :shock:
Guest
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I feel so ooooo out of control!!! Ate loads this afternoon, and then found my legs really sore, went for a sleep ( actually slept , for ...when was the last tiem I visited puk?), and now I feel sad and desperate, and wondering wth is going on?
Got really angry at his dad. Tried to get myself up enough to make everyones dinner. his old man walks in to the kitchen , has not said anything to me ( accepy, I dont like them ) in a squeaky voice. partner realy upset me, as had planned a different meal and took over, so walked out the kitchen and I aint getting involved. I cant handle the facts that there is no communication, Everything is sorted out by \"Set fashions\" Every Monday, every Tuesday.....apart from his rota, the money that comes in, andmy sleep pattern.Then I cant get me in a routine, because I have his families routine to organise. Usually I am the one dealing with things like dinners, but if he is off he now COMPLETELY takes over. I find it so annoying Previously I HAVE SCREAMED, IN FRONT OF MY MUM , IN FRINT OF MY DAD, IN FRONT OF HIS DAD, due to him being so god dam set in his ways. He want eat a pepperif its cut into strips, iT has to be a tiny unidentifiable shape. Tomatoes have to be cut a certain way and oninions finely chopped. Grrrr!!!! No wonder I ve gone mad!
I cant stand the facts that I let steptoe and son pick up my children there is no communication of when they are coming home, and then when they do he is all snappy and I am on edge and then I get scared and have to hide, and now I want some wine as I cant handle thi. Then he will either be extremly nice, or incredibly scarry and he has no clue as to anything of how I feel , ( Mind you I have no idea on how he feels as I cant face speaking to him). Is this relationship breaking down because of my selfish analysis on things, or is it mthe way I handle the given situations. I meanone of the girls was so shocked to find out my age, in fact nearly fell over laughing. Could not believe I was double her age.
Doubled up in laughter , clenched her privates and laughed for Scotland. Then kept up the banter, It was quite a compliment though. Then we both sneaked outside to wash the windows and boy did we have a chuckle. I could not/did not want to stop as like JB stated ( what goes up....) Its sooo true. Once I giggle endlessly and really feel the excitement ( probably the best aerobic exercise, heart racing and feeling really excited) It drops, almost like a switch, but then when I go back there I am laughing out loud in the streets now. Yes earlier on in the year i reported to someone of crying in the streets and shaking . Well today ( on no meds , and ubcontrolably laughing)........Now ...hmmm, just basically ON EDGE!!! sCARED! Worried! AND Confused. Isolated alone, and just want to get that quality time back with my kids,
I also get really [b:1461884f0d]paranoid!!!!! Was thinking , does someone know someone, and set this job thing up for me? Or, is that soemone following me? Or do ya want a picture? And OMG, if someone looks at me.......grrrr!!!! Help! Well, looks like I am out on a limb here!!! I think I am going to have to bring this up with my CPN- maybe ill be surprised, maybe she allready knows. God- who knows. If she does not beieve me should I send her here? Then again I have over 1000 posts on puk, so I dont know. Right I am off, Take care everyone.[/b:1461884f0d]
Guest
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Everything , all the chaos , I cant handle this chaos, but yet cant seem to tidy it up without a rant. THE FACTS'
!) i simply cant go on like this.
2)Think I am mad.
3) Fed up screaming the odds.
I do I feel, that he mocks me in front of the children, Goes off does his thing, Then comes back to peg me down a few more, I go have a few drinks, trying to control me at the best of times is hard enough, Pins me down a few more ( huh) and then I cry get wound up. hed odes not even care, not a jot, then I get more wound up wishing he would. Then tthink why? Why do I care? then want to throw up. Cant believe the only place I turn to is here. My children dont even like me anymore. Poor kids. They want be able to see it, They just see mummy upset and angry al the time. Thats not fair! So , Katy, how is he protecting your children?????/ GET OUT!!!!!!!
Cant stop crying.. Please, someone help!
I need a flippin holiday away from EVERYONE. Id like to sign myself in at the zoo, the tigers could eat me.
Guest
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Is anyone going to talk to me. JB- I am alone! So alone ( and I am not( alon alone, nbut I am alone on this!!
Guest
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So, can someone please chum me to my solicitors Monday- I know Ive said it before, but he has just stated that he will go.He came in and stuck hids fingers in his ears and did that blah blah dee blah stuff. Crikey!!!!
Anyway, :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :bubbly: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle:
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I feel so drained, but then when I manage to get out of it, I am fleeing. and thats without booze!!
Ive been bullied all my life ..Ive had enough! Does no one understand where I am coming from? I feel absolutely drained tonight, like someone zapped all my energy, i am still shaking and sweating and really want to just hide!
On your day off work , are you not supposed to relax?. the only reason I like my work is coz I meet people that make me laugh then |I make them augh and then (whoops ) it all goes pear shaped Then I get into real trouble, god I hope my boss does not find this, But I when I can do, work hard ( when I feel like it) Sometimes its so meaningless to me. I mean, I need some meaning some sort of purpose.
Ive not managed to lay of this computer , its about theonly place I have. right now, I am so alone, cant believe I am this age and this is how my life has turned out despte my mum putting me under so much pressure as a teeneager , I cant seem to get a grip and nothing feels like nothing. I swing from being completely suicidal and dont speak to me anyone, to sod that lets have a laugh, i dont hitnk you can blame half a bottle of wine on that foks - do you? Sorry to dribble on , but Friday night used to be my night, Id drink or nearly drin ka entire bottle, then |I stopped and now I can drink a bottle and want more. But ive not been doing this as often because I want to get better, but without the required hekp I am at aloss. Sorry to go on, but i have to have a drink to even get into my bed. Sometimes I fear he will come n my room and that petrifiesme, hes not as bad as I make out beacuase me has driven him to it.
Ive always been shy, or extroverted. thats me. if I am upbeat, I am very lively. though recently noticed that I cant quite reach out to others in the comical sense like I used to. So now back down, fed up! Really do not want to socialise and isolated and confined to this computer.
Do you know what I feel lke? A used duster! Some stupid idiot has tried to ut me in the wash, but the dust want come off and instead I have gathered the dust from everything else that is dusty. Dont know if any of you understand, dont really care, seem to be out on a limb here? Though I say I don tthink I care if you care, i dont mean it,. I am incredibly good at saying things that dont make any sense to anyone. Part of my dissorganisation I guess.
Oh cant explain me......just drained and emotionally feel exhausted. Really I should not care less what he does anymore, but I still do, even though no man could hrt a woman more, than what he has done . Is that mad , or what?
If your ead about people who have this kind of disorder you realise, wel l for me Holding down a relationship , is one of the difficulties, In a way I am probably blessed as my children probably have helped. This is the thing, when I was a t college there was this yuckie boy who at first I did not like, but he had grown an interest in me, and for the life of me, no matter how hard I tried to stay away I eventually got sucked in. The as he had stated , that he treated woman like sh1t, I did not deserve him. weel he did treat me like that and I got completely depressed. then met someone else also on the rebound, and he whent back to his ex and then again I got suicidal took lots of pills and drank , and got really obsessed, It did not help that everyone thought the sun shone out of his arse and that he was the coolest dude in toen. Though , now lokking back when we were dating etc we had a lovely time to gether an dits about the only reltionship I have had that I can pull out of a chocolate bos and say to myself \"remember this\" Coz he did spoil me, and look after me, and I think we had such a greta laugh together, I was very shy and frigid at the tim ethoug, When he finished it and I found out he had gone back to his ex, I got completely obsessed, like why? why ?why? why?Mind you he finishe