Down the Rabbit Hole...AGAIN!...ugh
Posted , 17 users are following.
The first time was horrible...the second time is downright scary because I know what's coming. I had two very bad years that almost destroyed both me, and my marriage. This past year has been pretty good...the anxiety diminished, the mood swings weren't prominent. But I'm slipping right back into it now...and I cannot do that again!
My husband told me yesterday that if something doesn't change we won't last. I CAN'T CHANGE IT!!
With all the times he has broken my heart in the past 25 years by never being there...but he is not willing to go through this trip with me again. I think it is because he cannot stand being criticized ... and well, these days I am critical. I am having a hard time even liking him...and I *know* it's hormones. But i can't stop.
I am back to the brain fog...not being able to get anything done at home. Not happy at home. Last week I hooked up my camper and left for a week to "get out of his hair" I told him. But I can't get out of my own!!!
And I will never make it on my own...financially or otherwise. I have always been a stay at home wife. There is no possible way I can find a job in this state of mind...I can't even get done the things i already know how to do! never mind trying to learn anything new.
The only thing I can think of is avoiding home so that *he* doesn't get bitched at. So that *he* doesn't get upset with me. If I am not here when he is, he won't get in trouble right? Avoidance, to save my marriage...who woulda thought?
Ugh...
I just needed to vent. And i'm scared. And i am feeling so alone and confused AGAIN! I hate this.
3 likes, 23 replies
kelly55079 Indifferent
Posted
So sorry to hear this... I know it's tough because really all we want is someone who is kind, supportive and understanding. My relationship is not that great and I only partially blame hormones. We have kids in high school and only do things as a family when we have too. Otherwise, we are basically on our own. I know I"m the rock of this family, just wish it I had a 'rock' of my own. I feel unappreciated!! Just this last week I had a cyst to deal with-- everything is OK but really no support from home. And I still can't exercise so it's really tough to be 'stuck' till it heals. Makes me realize and I get scared about my future if something did happen to me where I was homebound for good. UGH
I do what I can for me and I hope you are doing what you can for yourself. Getting away does help!! : ) I take many supplements, getting out for walks or to swim, talking with a friend or family, I try to eat as many fruits and veggies as I can even thou there are days that I crave junk. And drinking a lot of water helps too. When I feel like I need 'more' I make an appt with a therapist that I see from time to time. I also try to plan theatre with a friend or 2--- this gives me something to look forward too.
Indifferent kelly55079
Posted
Great ideas Kelly, thank you. I do eat healthy for the most part. I got into drinking wine in the evenings for a couple of years. Not every evening, but many. He says i'm better on wine...lol! I am better when i am relaxed i'm sure...but at the same time I am afraid of it becoming a problem. I have decided I am not drinking anymore.
My relationship....well we are great friends, for the most part...but i am alone a lot, like you. Our interests are very different.
Mine has always been emotionally unavailable. It is just who he is and that will never change. If I am having a meltdown, he will find something to do away from me. He really does not have a clue. He has never been a cuddler...and the few times that he has tried for my sake it is just not comfortable for either of us because I know it is not him.
I am doing what I can for me. I do have to drink more water, but summer is here so it will come naturally. In winter it is harder...I want red wine not water...lol!
I have been really considering a therapist.
I have also been really considering just not being home when he is.
Hope you get healed up soon Kelly. I know it must suck to be stuck post surgery along with all this peri crap. Sending well wishes your way.
jacqueline59683 Indifferent
Posted
I'm so sorry we are all going through this, a second time??? WT? But reading your posts have made me smile, cry and take a break from symptom checking. We all have crazy circumstances, this second time I think my trigger this time around was my mom breaking her hip, suffering a stroke(thankfully in front of me) I was fine all through it...then one fine day boom woke up nauseous, anxious, depressed. My husband is very supportive, but while I'm going crazy, he's getting drunk at home. He is a high functioning alcoholic and has always been. Now in my weak moments I overlook his drinking because I need him to take care of life.
I hate feeling so messed up and my gyno gives me the reassurance she won't let me reach 59 with my
jacqueline59683
Posted
Period, I'm almost 56.
God please help us.
Thank you ladies for posting it is the only thing besides God that is helping me.
Indifferent jacqueline59683
Posted
I think my trigger this time is "party planning" a 50th anniversary party for my parents home I love very much...and I have not even been able to get it together enough to have dinner guests these last few years. I felt the craziness coming on and couldn't figure out why I was so low and loopy...then I woke in the middle of the night suddenly in tears...ranting about how I COULD NOT do the path! And then I knew where it was coming from. But I have enlisted the help of a few family members now and have had to throw a lot of the responsibility thier way.
So sorry about your mom, it must be so hard on you and her. I am having a hard enough time taking care of myself these days without the stress of having to care for anyone else.
On a good note...my husband used the washer and dryer for the very first time in 25 years, the other day. Did his own laundry...because I wasn't here to do it for him all week
LOL!
Nancy2121 Indifferent
Posted
WOW! Please vent away!Thank you for posting this! Sorry you're scared, but I know JUST how you feel. My husband and son are my main concerns. I took Lupron in my 20's, so I went through drug induced menooause and felt the same as I do 30 years lalter. I too cannot do household chores, etc. , and can't work outside the home, as I had done until the last couple of years.
My husband and I had known each other for 23 years or so, but married almost a year ago next month. We started dating right about the time my peri symptoms began. I didn't realize it was peri, cuz I was withdrawing from Ativan at the time. Anxiety has always plagued me. Now I see what was happening. He tunes it out, or gives very brief, very angry responses when I criticize him. He doesn't like conflict, lucky for me! But we don't communicate very well. Never have really. Now sex is an issue for me also. And avoidance does seem like the only way to stay together, which is crazy! He is the love of my life and deserving of so much better. I told him any other man would've been long gone.
Hoping that talking here with like minded women will help us all. This was a cruel thing God did to us!
Hope to hear back from you. Hang in there! You're NEVER alone!
Nancy
Indifferent Nancy2121
Posted
I am having a terrible time with focusing enough to get household chores and anything else I need done. I did ok for a long time, and now it seems I am right back in it. I feared this would happen and I am SO hoping I can handle it better this time around but I don't know. It's like it takes control...and leaves me in a state of complete confusion.
The lack of communication is tearing me apart in itself. Mine is the love of my life as well...but not lately! Any other man would have been long gone here as well, in fact I would have left them...lol! I have this huge need to be on my own right now but at the same time, not! So confusing.
I just feel like I have to hold so much in. Just keep smiling or something...maybe just keep quite, but then it leads to explosive outbursts that I can't control.
And you know...I can wake up in the morning just angry. It's like I spent the night going over every little thing that he doesn't do right...all the things he has ever done in our many years that ticked me off. And I KNOW I am off in my mood...and I TRY to just get out of bed and change my thoughts and go to the kitchen happy...but it's like a big cloud follows. UGH!
And I wake up like that sometimes angry at a certain couple of other people in my life as well, and just avoid them as much as I possibly can. They don't live with me so it is easier to avoid...lol! Craziness!
I am sorry you are going through the same...I hope our marriages can survive this.
We have a few friends who have separated in the last year over the same thing. The men are out there buying themselves motorcycles and my husband is sitting here wishing he could do the same! It is definitely scary!
And it is the wives that left the husbands. I know exactly what that is all about.
I married till death do us part...for better or worse...but it is much harder than I ever dreamed it would be to get through this and keep your marriage and relationships in tact.
Nancy2121 Indifferent
Posted
EXACTLY how I feel! And it's SO good to read these posts. Good therapy. Gives me hope. ? My hubby is the kind of man who would go to the store for ice cream in the middle of the night if that's what I craved. I feel SO bad sometimes. Hoping my gyn has some answers. Seeing him in a couple weeks. All the women in my family have encouraged hysterectomy for years now. Didn't think HRT was the way to go, but somethings got to give! I told my hubby this must be the "worse" we vowed to stay through.