1. Community
  2. Mental health
  3. Alcohol Consumption

Drowning...

Posted , 14 users are following.

taisha61931
taisha61931

I'm a 40 year old single parent. I have delt with so much in my life that has led to PTSD...and 20+ years of alcohol. The last 11 years, which was "yesterday", I have drank from a 1/2 pint up to a 1/2 gallon of whiskey...every day. In just two years ago, I made Christ my priority. I have tried to stop on my own. I have seeked help outside of medical care. I have recently seeked helped inside of medical care. I was frightened with a diagnosis and relieved to learn that I have nothing no more than a fatty liver. I have focused on my sobriety and learned that I can't last a week and a half before I break down and have to have at least a pint again. I came to these forums and read and learned that I was so close to detox and had so much more to look forward too that I have yet to experience. I have the wrestless nights, the sweating, shaking and irritability. But i will not go further.

I'm scared. I want to be done. I have so much good going for me and my children. I don't want it but every time I try, every reason, every help I seek, car accidents, arrests, name it... I still find myself hiding at home, with a glass of whiskey.

0 likes, 25 replies

25 Replies

Prev
  • monique_93857
    monique_93857 taisha61931

    Posted

    Hello I'm here to share with you my sister was the same God rest her soul I buried her in July due to her problem drinking daily like you 1/2 gal a day she had the fatty liver also that caused her kidneys to fail her body to swell she only weighed 160lbs but when her kidneys went bad her body held the water she would get as heavy as 300lbs I took care of my sister for over two years she suffered in and out the hospital until she passed away when she was at dyalis her blood pressure bottomed out they rushed her to the hospital only to send her to another hospital because of the lactose she was taking to keep her ammonia levels down that kept her from going lala loopsie well when we got to the other hospital the doctor came in and told me and her we had two choices 1 keep her comfortable but 9/10 she would pass by the next day or 2 put her on the surgery table but 9/10 she wouldn't make it off the table so you see either way they were telling me my sister was gonna die by the next day so for what it's worth please read my story over and over because not only did she suffer so did we and I am now raising her two beautiful little girls God bless you and I will be praying that you choose to let go and let God put the bottle down spend precious time with your family your children and everyone that loves you

    • Bangleina
      Bangleina monique_93857

      Posted

      So sorry Monique for your loss it's tragic and happens all too often 😥 Wishing you love light and peace xxxx

    • taisha61931
      taisha61931 monique_93857

      Posted

      That really hits me to my heart!!! It also hits home with my sister and mom. I try so hard. I will definantly take your advice and read it daily, keeping you all in my heart.

      Since I'm so scared of the DTs, health failure and being an escape goat for my daughter (14), I'm going to use my time off for Christmas and New Years (with my sister assisting for emergency and while my children are gone), and get pass two weeks at least.

      I'm so happy in our life (for once) that I really don't care about dying now.

      I'm alone, barely any family. No companion for late hour support...but because of my ambition in life for my children, I feel like Job. Everything is so great now. Once I was loosing everything, to giving my life to Christ in a jail cell. Now my children are set for life and I want to enjoy it with them.

      But then, I'm so happy right?... am I really?

      I remember my sister passing in her cancer stages, I remember the last days of my mom to the time she passed in my arms, my crippled months, car accidents, life long abuse, and I still get damned from my ex and his wife... up to my daughter damning me too.

      I've tried everything I can think of. I'm lucky that I'm not as bad as we thought. But in a week and half, I'm so angry, sweating and shaky that I give in.

      This time, my daughter said, "since your not trying, since won't quit, I think I don't have to."

      I was taking her to Celebrate Recovery with me which she has learned to use against me. I really was trying. That killed my heart and I really had to make her leave the room.

      11 years. A new home. A designer room. And because I'm not glamorous...im not trying. My heart broke and I bought a bottle. 2 in fact in 3 days.

      I requested to her father (the only ex I can get along with) for her to stay with him during the holidays and all this next summer just so I can get through this.

  • taisha61931
    taisha61931

    Posted

    Update: I'm still struggling but cutting down and my doc is tough. Which I need that.

    My liver isn't inflamed as we thought and there is no scarring.

    I can go days without drinking now but not to long.

    One of my docs told me that stopping cold turkey will land me in the hospital And that I'm on the right track.

    My favorite/hardest (liver) doc said "You say your happy alone... People go to church to keep from being alone or they hide at home in their addictions to avoid being alone. If you want God, go after him. But if you truly think you're happy alone, then let your addiction go, and if you can still say that after a year... Then I'll believe you."

    The battle is on with this tough doc. I'm gonna nail this.

  • Robin2015
    Robin2015 taisha61931

    Posted

    Great update! Alone is great since nobody checks up on how much you drink. That is what I used to do for 30 years. Guess what? No good. Just being honest and cynical today. Rethinking your life IS important. Keep trying to scale down. 😁 Robin

  • BTGB01222017
    BTGB01222017 taisha61931

    Posted

    Hi Taisha - I can sense and relate to your desperation.  I have been on a hamster wheel of alcoholism for 20 years.  I was a single mom too. My daughter is 28 now.  I have so many regrets for choosing alcohol to cope with a terrible trauma when she was 12.  Ever since then, I have had serious problems with depression and PTSD.  

    I had been a heavy drinker before that...even got sober for 2.5 years with AA.  After the event in 2002, I sunk heavily into a bottle.  It has been my solace.  I had terrible grief over the loss of a baby.  I got baptized last Spring which was such a blessing and I went to some healing retreats to deal with the losses.  

    But, I have continued to medicate with alcohol.  I have tried every which way to try to control it.  Naltrexone.  So many quits.  Two other serious attempts in AA.  And, each year my depression seems to get worse...duh, alcohol is a depressant.  

    I have a similar problem that every time I try to quit, I come to a day when I think I can drink again and just quit later.   Also, in two fairly long periods of sobriety I relapsed because I thought I was not really an alcoholic.  

    I woke up yesterday with a terrible hangover and terrible guilt about it.  I didn't go to Mass which is the most healing and wonderful thing in my life.  I just sat with my self-disgust and realized this is exactly what I needed.  Since the new year, I have been thinking about quitting and have said "I want to want to be sober".  I meant I know I should be sober but I don't want to try again and fail.  So I wanted to WANT to.  Yesterday, I truly wanted to be sober.  Alcohol took my faith and my comfort away from me.  It took away my ability to be an awesome mom to the daughter I had.  It took away self esteem and money and security.  

    So, in my prayers yesterday and all night long, I asked for help from my Creator and Savior.   know my prayers are being heard and I know Jesus will help me...I have felt it all day today even though it was truly a Monday from Hell.  I really want to be sober.  It is hugely scary because I know there is going to be one of those days where my alcoholic brain/body is going to say it will be ok.  It is not.  I am journaling and writing about things.  

    So, I will have to deal with my trauma as a sober woman.  I'm going to need some help with that but I am trusting that the help will come and life really will be sweet as a happy, sober woman who is seriously in love with Jesus.  

    I'd love to be a support for you if you want to stay in touch.  Today is my first day!

  • Margusha
    Margusha taisha61931

    Posted

    How are you doing? A comprehensive treatment plan for alcohol dependence should consist of the following components:

    Drugs that block the craving for alcohol

    Detox medications

    Medications that restore liver function and cardiovascular system

    Brain enhancing drugs

    Psychotherapy

    Blood irradiation therapy

    Biofeedback Therapy

    Treatment involves good nutrition and abstinence from alcohol.

Back to top
Prev

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.