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EXTREME self aware obsessing/ruminating, help?!

Posted , 16 users are following.

bri_46992
bri_46992

Sorry again, but I honestly don't know how to get out of this. I just have this constant habit of over analyzing and paying close attention to everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, I do. I even pay attention to how I think and the thoughts I get. It's horrible, and I honestly don't know how to escape this. I honestly can't even think anymore because of this, because I'm always so fixated on my thinking and how it works and all of that. And it's not just here and there. It's all. Day. Long. I can't stop focusing on when I'm thinking, what I'm thinking, and how I'm thinking. For example, if I go downstairs to get something to eat, I'll ask myself, "was that me wanting to get something to eat? Or was it just my brain telling me to?" That probably doesn't even make any sense but that's pretty much the best I can explain it. I'm just overly, overly obsessed with watching myself, my thought process, how it works, etc. Its seriously debilitating. And honestly, I can't even think of anything else anymore, because I can't understand how thinking works. Sometimes I can't even tell when I'm thinking, because I'm so obsessed and overly aware with catching myself thinking about something, and how it works. And sometimes I wonder, "is it me thinking the things I think about? Or is it just my brain reacting to things and processing information?" Or, "how do thoughts happen? What makes someone have a thought? Do they just pop into your head without you noticing, or does the person really want to think about what comes into their mind?" It should make sense, but for some reason I just can't make sense of it, no matter how much I think about it. It's really, really bad. It's like I don't even remember what it's like to actually think and be focused on something else, and be totally invested in something other than this crap. I can't even talk anymore, because whenever I go to talk to someone, I'm overly aware of the very act of me talking and responding. It's the weirdest thing. I'm also aware that I used to have social anxiety, and whenever I would talk to people, I'd be overly aware of myself. Not in the same way of course, this self awareness is a lot different, but I'd just always be overly self conscious. Now, I can't understand how that works. Like it just feels like I was never aware of myself being self conscious, if that makes sense lol. I mean I was, like I knew I had social anxiety, but I never actually analyzed it while it was happening, if that even makes sense. And now, whenever anyone talks to me, it's like I EXPECT myself to be that way. I've just been in this funk for so long that I don't even remember the way I used to act, and how I can even be the way I used to be again. It's like I haven't been a properly functioning human being in so long and now my brain is stuck in this completely disoriented mindset. And I can honestly say that I have never, EVER thought like this in my entire life. I've been kind of off for the past three months, but this really started about maybe a month ago or so. And it's not really just thoughts, it's also the act of just being aware, constantly, all day long. It's like I don't know how to BE anymore. I don't know how I'm going to live on like this, because if I'm constantly overly aware of myself, even my thoughts, then how am I going to effectively communicate with people and be in a relationship and all that if I can't even function? It really terrifies me that I'll always be like this and never get better. It just feels like I'm in too deep and that I can't unthink these things. It makes me want to kill myself a lot because I can't live on like this. Please help. Any advice would be appreciated.

1 like, 26 replies

26 Replies

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  • Aquin
    Aquin bri_46992

    Posted

    Hi Bri,

    It sounds like you have "pure O" OCD. If you have a Google you'll be able to find some helpful info. I'd go and see your doc for a referral to a psychologist/psychiatrist for an evaluation to work out the best treatment. You're not alone! I have the same OCD. Its extremely debilitating. Take care.

    • Swinging_Sister
      Swinging_Sister Aquin

      Posted

      wow, aquin. i am new to this forum and i had no idea that OCD could be the cause of my thinking ruminations, but it indeed was. did you get on a med?  if so, do you mind me asking what it is?  i was put on low dose prozac. it seems to be working, i didn't know if there was anything else out there that helped instead.....you are right. it is extremely crippling. it messes with your entire quality of life...

    • bri_46992
      bri_46992 Aquin

      Posted

      That's what my dad thinks I have too. It's just weird because all my life I've had OCD, but it's never been like this. When I was little it was pretty bad, with non mental compulsions consistently. I think I had mental ones too, but not as much as touching compulsions and what not. Then when I got to high school, it gradually went away for the most part without me noticing. But, I still had it just a little bit. I never even noticed it though until now. I thought I just had social anxiety, but I still had OCD thoughts here and there now that I think about it. They weren't crippling at all though, they were just annoying and I was always able to shake them off. Now, it's a whole different story lol. It's not just thoughts anymore, its also now the obsession of being aware of myself, all the time. Its like its almost automatic now. But I am taking Zoloft, and I think it is helping a little. Hopefully in another week I'll feel like myself again. Thanks for ur post.

    • Aquin
      Aquin Swinging_Sister

      Edited

      Hey actually just starting prozac today. Glad to hear it's helping you a bit. I have xanax as well to take as needed and it really helps to slow down the obsessive thoughts. But I avoid taking it unless im having a really bad day because of its addictive properties. What dose of prozac are you on?

    • Aquin
      Aquin bri_46992

      Posted

      Hi Bri, i totally get what you mean. After being diagnosed with OCD i now look back and can see I've had OCD tendencies my whole life, to varying degrees but its always been manageable until now. I've been going through a rought patch of health these past 10 months which has brought me a lot of anxiety which in turn has caused my OCD to get out of control. Maybe you've been under a bit of stress or slowly been changing your thought patterns without noticing which has progressively been worsening your OCD. How long have you been.on zoloft for? Im start prozac today. Looking forward to seeing some mental health improvements smile

    • Swinging_Sister
      Swinging_Sister Aquin

      Posted

      i am on 40 mg but i think he is just seeing how i do, then i will be put on 60. my doc says there is a fine line where it works well for you and when you can get too much......   i could tell a difference though in about 10 days. a little relief. 
    • Swinging_Sister
      Swinging_Sister

      Posted

      bri, i upped my prozac today to 60 mg. supposedly it is going to work or i will be worse.......frown

  • lee12629
    lee12629 bri_46992

    Posted

    You must be exhausted,sounds like your brain is in overdrive. You are obsessing about thinking. Try and let the repeat thoughts go. You should talk to someone,especially if you are suicidal. Please take care of yourself. Find someone to listen. Tell your parents. Too much for you to have to deal with alone. Xx
  • tess33005
    tess33005 bri_46992

    Posted

    Hi Bri,

    There are many people suffering in the same way as you are. It sounds like OCD but if I were you, I'd have a chat with my GP about this.

    I really hope you get some help soon.

    Love Tess xx

    • Swinging_Sister
      Swinging_Sister tess33005

      Posted

      yep, OCD with ruminating thoughts. gets worse with anxiety. I think they are right. at least it was for me.....
  • PJoy
    PJoy bri_46992

    Posted

    Hi honey, you really need to talk to someone, There are medications to help with that. I went thru that for a long time - always in your own head. I also went thru the sociial anxiety thing too. When someone would talk to me i would like quiver when they looked me in the eye- almost like they saw inside of me- some times i would wear sunglasses - i was always inside of my head so analytical of self i think and so critical of self and yet not really knowing who self was or is. You have to get involved and that takes you out of your own head the more ME time you have the more you dwell on it. My social issues and all did pass and i am ok. I also found once i had kids a lot of that passed because i was so focused on them. Then they grew up and were out of the house and i was worried it could begin again but all in all i am ok- But def talk to a doctor, get on meds maybe, keep busy and remember everyone single person goes thru some of this stuff, even the ones who look so pulled together you get to know them and find they have some type of issues. good luck! 
    • Swinging_Sister
      Swinging_Sister PJoy

      Posted

      Thank you PJoy. All of the above is exellent advise. thank you....

       

    • bri_46992
      bri_46992 PJoy

      Posted

      I actually am taking Zoloft at the moment, and I think it is helping a little bit. Hopefully it continues to help, and then maybe I can come off of it overtime. I have tried to keep busy but my extreme self awareness and pure o OCD always get in the way to the point where I can't do anything at all. But, I will keep trying. Hopefully the medication will make it easier.

  • Swinging_Sister
    Swinging_Sister bri_46992

    Posted

    bri, i relate to this entire post. don't even know what is a normal feeling or not.........  my doc told me i could have a form of ocd which is obcessing with thoughts only, not acts. he told me to research PURE O. this was me to a T. ruminating thoughts until i would be making up stuff that never hapened. he prescribed me a low dose of prozac and it took a m onth or so, but it has started helping. i also constantly tell myself that " my thoughts are not me, they are separate, they are just my thoughts. after the prozac, these types of exercises were easier for me to do.......   

    • bri_46992
      bri_46992 Swinging_Sister

      Posted

      Yep, pure O OCD is pretty terrible, especially when it involves yourself and your own thoughts, because you feel like since it's yourself, you'll never be able to escape them. I also tell myself that too, that they are just thoughts, and it does help. Sometimes more than others. Gotta keep trying though. Thanks so much for your post.

    • meredith81598
      meredith81598 bri_46992

      Posted

      Hi Bri,

      I am going through the same thing! How are you doing? Is it better and what did you do to get back to normal?

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