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Feel like an absolute useless, worthless, colossal failure.

Posted , 104 users are following.

X99
X99

Right, where do I start?

I'm 26. Male.

Working but on a zero hour contract but usually work the whole week (45 hrs).

That's where the good ends and the real crap begins.

I have no qualifications after getting two C's at A-level. Studying is something I find almost impossible.

I am socially awkward. I'm always afraid of what I said sounded stupid. I actively avoid any form of social activities.

I have zero friends. Yep nobody to hang out with.

Sure I say a few words to work colleagues and I think they genuinely like me but who really knows.

I've never had anything remotely like a romantic relationship and pretty much given up hope of ever finding anyone. I mean who would want to be with me anyway?

I'm boring, stupid, and unsuccessful.

I've tried taking to some girls online but after a a few sentences I can tell I'm being nothing but a boring drag.

I'm a nice guy but that gets me nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. I think I've gotten to the point where if I had a button that would kill every human being on the planet I'd push it.

When it comes to physical work and actually producing visible results at work I'm unstoppable. That's the main reason I'm called in to work as much as I am.

Work is the only good thing going on in my life right now. Without that I don't know what I'd do.

Not a day goes by where I don't think of committing suicide. But I know I won't do it. Not at this moment in time anyway.

My mind often ponders about what would be the best way to kill yourself.

Jump off a building, car wreck, dive off a cliff, hanging, slit wrists, overdose, gunshot to the head (overseas). That's as far as I've gotten.

The topic of death occupies a big part of my daydreaming. I find it fascinating. What happens when you die? Do you just switch off? Do you wake up elsewhere (life doesn't seem real to me, more like a dream). I hardly recognise myself in the mirror. It's more like looking at a stranger.

As if the other day I've started cutting at my arm. Self harm. I never thought I'd end up here.

I'm on anti depressants at the moment. I missed one dose and went very far down hill. Back up today but not fully there. Doubt I ever will be.

I don't even know why I've written all this. It's unlikely posting this here will have any effect for the better.

The best words to describe my current feelings:

Low/down, disconnected/detached, zero self worth, useless, worthless, failure, unwanted.

Of well. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Regards,

X99

17 likes, 161 replies

161 Replies

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  • Blackhole
    Blackhole X99

    Posted

    I can relate to what you have written, I feel just like you but don't like my job. I know how hard it is. I think it would be easier not to be here, but like you said I don't think I could do it. I'm sorry, I know what you are going through!! Like people say to me, stay strong!
  • michael_37726
    michael_37726 X99

    Posted

    Hi

    Well that's defiantly all the Symptoms of depression. I have often thought about ending my life and wonder what happens. I spoke to a spiritual person about it recently and she said that when we die its only our body that dies and our soul and spirit are born again into another life but if we take our own lives because of issues we may have in this life then we will carry that through to the next life. So I suppose the bottom line is that if we are depressed we will be depressed in the next life. Don't really understand how anyone could know that but I must admit it has certainly put me off suicide

  • kristina16197
    kristina16197 X99

    Posted

     I'm sorry you feel like this try looking for something positive think about.. You are consumed by negative thinking  I know because I have been there you feel so low you just can't see a way out but there is you need to take one day at a time sometimes just hour by hour but it does get better  stay strong 
    • X99
      X99 kristina16197

      Posted

      Thanks Kristina.

      Yeah I'm just taking it day by day.

      I've gone off almost everything I once enjoyed doing. Gaming, working on computers, messing about with gadgets. The only thing I have left in the forum of escapism are movies. Can't even pay attention to a TV show anymore, far too slow paced resulting in my mind wondering.

      I've booked a doctor's appointment for next week. Might take up the offer of counciling. I'm a man of very few words so have stayed clear of it but I think it's time now. Gotta try it. Nothing much left to lose.

    • kristina16197
      kristina16197 X99

      Posted

      that's right you have nothing to lose and everything to gain... Everyday when I wake up my heart is racing with anxiety I couldn't even stay in my home because I couldn't sit down what help me was audio book on my iPhone I had to concentrate extremely hard to the words and then in time I was able to love my home again  and watching TV was a problem and sometimes still is but I play games on my phone when the TVs is on and sometimes I can even watch it without playing my games ..... I talk myself into going to the gym everyday because I enjoy it even though the feelings are horrendous I will not let it rule my life anymore II don't know when I will recover but I just say one day it will come 

      you should see a coucellor but you need to find one that works for you remember you can change a counsellor if you don't think the one you are given does not suit you stay focused you can do this 

  • sue99534
    sue99534 X99

    Posted

    Dear X99. I was very sorry to hear how low you are feeling. You say that you are on anti-depressants? How long have you been on them and how long have you been feeling like this? You need to speak with your GP again. You do not mention family, Could you talk to them? Do you live alone?

    No-one is worthless. You are good at your job and that is something to be proud of, There are lots of people out there who feel awkward like you. Maybe try joining a website for shy people, or one that is for people who share your interests?

    You have come to us on here and that is a good move. We all understand and will do our best to help, Stay with us, we are a closeknit group and we care about you.

  • cordelia18473
    cordelia18473 X99

    Posted

    Hi, I read your message and you brought back my life 30 yrs ago. 

    I had 3 small children to look after and a husband that could'ent of cared a dam about anybody but his self. To cut a long story short I was admitted to a psycriatric hospital with acute depression and anxiety, I was there for 3 weeks. I was under a psyciatrist and a psycologist for around 8 yrs. I got divorced and I worked on myself. The feelings you are describing is exactly how I felt, but on top of that I had panic attacks. They were so horrific. If someone had asked what hell was like, I could quite easily explain. But with help from the medical profession and the love of my children and family, I made myself get better and Yes my children are all married and have children of their own and I succeded in going back to college and becoming a spiritual healer and a qualified Reflexologist.

    I have a Nephew who has been in the exact place where you are at the moment. I have had a chat with him and he said he would be glad to chat with you. He has asked me to forward his contact so this is his message.: Use the 2 websites and tell your story. But the biggest thing is not to hide away. It seems like the best thing but it really isn't. Tell him to look on mhf site and look for magic touch and add him ( thats me ) maybe I can help a little. Xx. He also advised to get in touch with MIND. I jope this might help you, NO ONE should feel so alone and un-cared for. So yes start with your GP and maybe get a referral to see a psyciatrist. Or try MIND or go on google and find out what groups you could attend and see how you go.

  • suzzie_67433
    suzzie_67433 X99

    Posted

    I do not have any friends. I am all alone. No one calls. This is my last resort. I cannot go on without anyone.

    it is so lonely. I do not have insurance to pay for help. 

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 suzzie_67433

      Posted

      Suzie..I'm not sure X99 is still here or active on the site sad...so I will respond to you both..

      I was young at a time and felt the same way you both do in the present.  GOD (and I'm not a bible thumper)...will always take care of you and give you what you need as life goes on.

      I was going to kill myself at 20....I am 51 now.  I have been thru alot of stuff....bad stuff...not much good since then. But, I have had good days.  I read books to like myself more and build my self confidence.

      The reason I didn't kill myself was because I had ONE friend and that friend answered the phone that day and talked me out it....it was a Thanksgiving and I was basically homeless and alone. This person invited me to their dinner and picked me up.  Otherwise, I do not think I would be here.

      Life can continue and get better for you.  Something that helps me now...seems strange...but I watch all these murder shows on TV....Dateline, 48 hours, Snapped...and I always SEE that many people have worse lifes than me.

      So I keep going and TRY VERY HARD to be grateful for the life I do have.  Maybe take a course at your local college or something to build your self esteem?  They have funding available if you do not have funding....That was also a step I took when I was younger...and it did make me feel like SOMEONE.

      I also met people at the time in class to talk to....I am not still friends with them...but I have gotten by one day at a time.

      I'm lonely much...but dying I'm now afraid of....so God has taken care of me...I get what I NEED and not always what I want.

      I'm going thru ALOT of different stress related issues right now, very depressed...and I read this post...and NOW...I am grateful I don't feel like you currently do...please hang on for some miracles.

    • suzzie_67433
      suzzie_67433 Misssy2

      Posted

      Thank you for replying. I am sorry you have had the same feelings. They are awful!

      I am 62, divorced. He martied his secretary and threw me out. (After 32 years of marriage.)

      I needed to move, I thought it ould be a new start. I joined a bowling league, church choir, etc. I don't go any more.

      Still I don't fit with anyone. Peopke are nice, but they go back to their lives and then I go home to no one. I do mot have anyone to go out for coffee with.

      I really can barely hang on.

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 suzzie_67433

      Posted

      That divorce was a heck of a bombshell. Of course you are depressed. But you are NOT worthless...You are HERE for a reason.

      Maybe look to local charities and see if they need help...like feeding the homeless....working in shelters or going to hospitals (I know elderly people in my area...walk around as volunteers talking to patients stuck in beds).

      I'm also very lonely at this time in my life. I do have a significant other..but sometimes still feel very alone...my kids deserted me...my parents are elderly and we don't talk...its horrible...but I keep going. I'm also going to look for volunteer work if my state disability gets approved.

    • Nick_2
      Nick_2 Misssy2

      Posted

      hey misssy2...

      I am 20 years old male...

      I don't know if you or anyone else gets on this discussion anymore. but I need people to talk to. I have been depressed for awhile I have thought about ending it all a lot recently. I have literally no life I don't go out ever... I have 0 friends... I am actually crying as I type this cuz I know how pathetic it sounds... can anyone talk to me... I just want friends and a good conversation... that's something I haven't had in a long time.

    • scott95535
      scott95535 Nick_2

      Posted

      Hey Nick i can relate to how your feeling as im feeling the same way myself.Been battling depression for many years def feel like im drowning and have no life jacket to safe my ass.

       

    • mkoss342
      mkoss342 Nick_2

      Posted

      Hey nick.

      I can definitely relate to you. I feel pathetic and embarrassed to even exist. I see others living a better life than me and I feel too stupid and worthless to even try. I know it won't work. I don't have any friends either but if you'd like to talk I'm here

    • bobby890
      bobby890 mkoss342

      Posted

      Hello. I have a plan in my head but I don't want to discuss it publicly. Can i inbox you?

    • Ashley025
      Ashley025 mkoss342

      Posted

      Dont do it. You are not pathetic. Please get help urgently. I've been there too. I struggle with these thoughts all the time. Try to push yourself to go out. Get a therapist.👍

    • Ashley025
      Ashley025 Nick_2

      Posted

      Hey Nick

      Its been four months but I hope you didnt hurt yourself. It's not the solution. It never is. Please get help. 🙌

    • Ashley025
      Ashley025 scott95535

      Posted

      Hey Scott

      I am battling depression too. Please get help. Talk to someone. A family member, a friend. Reach out to them👍Time heals. Let a day pass by it will get better. Change your thoughts. Self affirmations, exercise, go outdoors if you don't already. smile Sometimes you just have to ask and people will help you. It won't be right away it takes time. 

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