Feeling like im not here anymore

I just wanted to write my own personal experience with severe anxiety and derealisation. I have suffered from an anxiety and nervous disorder since I was 14. I had a funny turn one day at school and I have never been the same since. I can't remember what its like to feel normal. The worst time was just after I had my son 25 years ago. I became detached and couldn't feel anything for anyone. I had feelings of unreality and at one point thought that jesus was coming to take me away. When I looked outside it felt like it didn't exist like I was living in a dream or a movie and it was so hard to explain. I felt nothing behind me like whatever was behind me didn't exist anymore and my arms and hands at times didn't feel like my own. When I was doing something it was like someone esle was doing the job not me. It was so hard to take care of a baby when I felt like this. I thought I had every disease know to man including schizophrenia and dementia, I literally thought I was going insane and that these feelings that I was no longer here would eventually send my mind to another state of conscienceness and I would never come back. That alone was so very  frightening. I was so scared and so worried that all I could think of was that I could always end my life to get rid of these feelings and that sort of helped in a weird way just knowing that I could do something. I decided to go and see a psychiatrist and he confirmed that what I was experiencing was severe anxiety. I was so relieved and from that day on I started to improve but it took awhile. Over the years I had mild episodes again but not as bad...my anxiety never went away comptelely and I know it never will but I was living with it ok until a few days ago when the derealisation came back with vengence. I am now living in a dream like state again and I don't feel real anymore. I never thought I would feel this way again but I have to keep telling myself that it is anxiety but even that doesn't help. I can't stand these feelings and I think its because i have had alot of stress in the last year and has come to a head. Plus I have sleep deprevation and my diet and water intake is not good. The worst feeling is when I think my mind is going to take me away and not come back. Also when I look outside i can't take any of my surroundings in and it feels so weird its so hard to explain. Sorry for the long story but I just wanted you to know that if others are feeling this way you are not alone and it will get better in time you just have to try and not look for the feelings or see if they are still there . I do this all the time and I know its keeping me in this state but at times I can't help it. Hope this story has helped anyone going through this and ask questions if you want to know anything please.

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