Feeling like im not here anymore

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I just wanted to write my own personal experience with severe anxiety and derealisation. I have suffered from an anxiety and nervous disorder since I was 14. I had a funny turn one day at school and I have never been the same since. I can't remember what its like to feel normal. The worst time was just after I had my son 25 years ago. I became detached and couldn't feel anything for anyone. I had feelings of unreality and at one point thought that jesus was coming to take me away. When I looked outside it felt like it didn't exist like I was living in a dream or a movie and it was so hard to explain. I felt nothing behind me like whatever was behind me didn't exist anymore and my arms and hands at times didn't feel like my own. When I was doing something it was like someone esle was doing the job not me. It was so hard to take care of a baby when I felt like this. I thought I had every disease know to man including schizophrenia and dementia, I literally thought I was going insane and that these feelings that I was no longer here would eventually send my mind to another state of conscienceness and I would never come back. That alone was so very  frightening. I was so scared and so worried that all I could think of was that I could always end my life to get rid of these feelings and that sort of helped in a weird way just knowing that I could do something. I decided to go and see a psychiatrist and he confirmed that what I was experiencing was severe anxiety. I was so relieved and from that day on I started to improve but it took awhile. Over the years I had mild episodes again but not as bad...my anxiety never went away comptelely and I know it never will but I was living with it ok until a few days ago when the derealisation came back with vengence. I am now living in a dream like state again and I don't feel real anymore. I never thought I would feel this way again but I have to keep telling myself that it is anxiety but even that doesn't help. I can't stand these feelings and I think its because i have had alot of stress in the last year and has come to a head. Plus I have sleep deprevation and my diet and water intake is not good. The worst feeling is when I think my mind is going to take me away and not come back. Also when I look outside i can't take any of my surroundings in and it feels so weird its so hard to explain. Sorry for the long story but I just wanted you to know that if others are feeling this way you are not alone and it will get better in time you just have to try and not look for the feelings or see if they are still there . I do this all the time and I know its keeping me in this state but at times I can't help it. Hope this story has helped anyone going through this and ask questions if you want to know anything please. smile

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  • Posted

    Hi rydia thanks for the detailed post im currently having depersonalization and derealization it comes and goes everytime i get it i feel ill fade away. The thing that got me the most from your post was you saying your worst feeling was that your mind would take you away and not come back this is exactly how im feeling i stress and stress that my mind will fade away. Im noticing im getting depersonalization and derealization even fro very small amounts of stress or anxiety were in the past i had massive stress and never had depersonalization and derealization did you find that happened to you once you experience depersonalization and derealization? Thanks
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    • Posted

      Hi allison

      Thanks for your reply. These feelings we are both getting are just horrible and I never thought it would happen again because I didn't think my stress levels were that bad at the moment.  Yes I do believe that I don't need to stress very much for be that anxious to experience these feelings and to me that is a worry. I am now very worried that if this episode passes that it will return with little stress and that in itself if very stressful to me. Sometimes I don't even feel anxious and I get strange feelings from time to time. Though at time I find it hard to even walk in a straight line..even when I go to get petrol in my car..the walk to the shop where I have to pay becomes a nightmare at times..I just feel like I am going to fall down and I get these overwhelming feelings that I can't describe. All these strange feelings that I have at the moment are so hard to describe...sometimes if feels like my hands and arms aren't there..like that have been chopped off..do you ever get that ..I hope that one day soon you will be feeling alot better. But we must keep in mind too..the more we dwell on this and the more we think about and stress about these feelings the longer they will stay and I know that is hard  not to do. I just hope I don't fade away and not come back..I hope I don't go to some sort of other conscienceness...

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    • Posted

      Hi thanks for your reply. I do somtimes feel my arms are not mine like if im usng my arms say chopping veggies and ill shuddering feel as if my arms are not mine. Im also very worried ill go into a total unreality and ill be lost and not come back. I also have been having memorys pops just random memories popping into my head and i get strong feelings attached to the memory even if its a good memory so many strange symptoms ive been having sinse i become unwell again its like my minds broken and im battering to not fully lose myself this is what scares me the most i need to be in control and half of me is not

      I really hope we beat this im.hopeful we will.

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    • Posted

      Hi I fully understand what you are saying and what you are going through. I to have the memories pop into my head and the feelings attached are not pleasant. I don't find memories happy I find then hurtful because I want to go back and do them again..I want to be back there where I once was and I know I can never have that again and it drives me insane at times. I hate the feeling that I am out of control of everything even my surroundings..I hate looking out the window  because I get such strange almost futurstic feelings and I can't take anything in or focus and my eyes feel strange at times..I just can't understand how I can be pretty fine one day and then the next day I am suffering these horrid feelings again. I did overcome them once all those years ago and I know I will again and I know you will too..just keep telling yourself that you are not going to fade away and never come back..they are just feelings as awful as they are..they will in time ease off and you will come back to some normality although maybe not completely normal but normal enough to be able to get on with your life. I have live with anxiety for so long that I don't know what it feels like to be normal I have just learned to live with it. We will beat this I just know it.
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    • Posted

      Hi rhirhi how are you today hope your feeling better. I saw my psychiatrist

      Today and I told him that ive got the depersonalization back again he said it will come back alot easier now because ive experienced in the past so the brain quickly goes straight to shutting of even after small stresses thats why we're getting it so fast he said its not a sign if losing it or going insane and it will go again but untill the anxiety goes it will most likely come back. I just wanted to reassure you That your not losing your self or going crazy

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    • Posted

      Hi antsy i did put a reply up for you but I now forget what post put it on Lol. It does reassure for a little while but I saw him about 8 hours ago and im now feeling crap again lol never ending
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    • Posted

      Aw thanks smile yeah today was horrible I was home alone it was raining and thundering so the loud thunder was freaking me out sad I almost had a panic attack after that my head was hurting sore and feeling pressured it's kinda ball but again pushing through I thought I was gonna have a stroke my head was tingling too sad
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  • Posted

    I have anxiety, and I'm also, thinking I have depersonalization. Sounds to me like you're struggling with depersonalization. I'm sorry you're going through that. I mean, I have moments where I feel like I'm in a dream, and I feel like maybe, nothing is "real."
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    • Posted

      Hi Kayla that is exactly how I am feeling.  I feel like i am in a dream like state and still asleep or in a movie that keeps playing over and over again. Also when I look outside I cant feel my surroundings or feel anything is real..when I try to think about my neighbours its like they are millions of miles away..I also feel like im coming in and out of conscienceness which is such a scary feeling..I worry that I will just disappear and not come back sad
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    • Posted

      You feel like maybe, you'll wake up and realize it was a weird dream? I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. I have a panic attack at least, every other day. If I'm lucky, I'll go a couple of days with no panic attacks. Just slight anxiety, and depersonalization feelings, here and there. I've noticed that it seems to get bad after I'm very upset about something.
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    • Posted

      I wish when I wake up its all a dream. I have been going through a bit of stress from my neighbour for awhile now and I am wondering if this is whats causing it. Last time I had these feelings was 25 years ago after the birth of my son. I have to wonder if this is hormonal. I have depersonalisation feelings all day at the moment and its really awful.
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    • Posted

      Hi Kayla...I also feel like I am going insane again..the worst part for me is not being able to look outside without feeling very weird and not being able to take anything in...like my brain is numb and it feels like a good hit over the head would bring me bad to normal...also it feels like my mind disappears at times and goes somewhere else then I snap back to reality..but this is over and over and I am so scared once again that my mind will just go away one day and not come back..that is my greatest fear...losing my mind scares the hell out of me..did you ever experience it to this degree?? So glad you are not going through this ..I hope that it will pass for me soon or I don't know how much longer I cant put up wtih this..sad
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    • Posted

      What I found that really helped me, was accepting that what you're going through is REAL and a lot of people go through it everyday, just like you. Laugh and smile more, at the things that scare you. You have to face things like this head on, or else it can take a long time to get rid of them. You might find yourself feeling halfway descent. And as long as you keep telling yourself that this can't kill you, and it's only uncomfortable, things will probably get better. Maybe not completely right away, but they could get better. I'm not sure that I'fve experienced the "mind disappearing" thing. One of my friend's pointed out to me that I zone out a lot. My mind goes somewhere else, like..A LOT! You can be talking to me, and I'll be listening, but as you're getting halfway through or something, something snaps in my head and I just stare into nothing. I don't even remember what was being said. Sometimes, I don't even remember what was going on in my own MIND. That scares me, tremendously!
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    • Posted

      All these feelings are so uncomfortable and weird..so weird that they are hard to explain. I just have to remember to try and not bring on normal feelings cause this just makes it worse..because normally I wouldnt be looking out the window to see how the outside world feels..but i keep doing this all the time..I know this wont kill me but it may just cause a mental breakdown and I may just lose my mind and never come back. Yes the not remembering what was said or done is scary.
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    • Posted

      I wasn't trying to upset you, over the whole "this being normal" thing. I know a lot of people tell me that. It helps a little, knowing that it is. You know? There's nothing worse than not knowing if what you're going through is normal, or not... I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but have you been reading a book, or looking at something, and it looks like a wave of colors are moving in and out? I'm not sure how to explain it. It feels like I'm losing my vision, and sometimes makes my head hurt. Now, my vision isn't exactly GREAT (I'm suppposed to be wearing glasses, but mostly to read books), but I don't think that should be happening...
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    • Posted

      Oh no you didnt upset me at all..I think you may have misunderstood what I meant..sorry ...I as just saying that I have to try not to bring on normal feelings while i feel like this if that makes sense?? Yes I have vision problems too when I am suffering anxiety..when I look at words they seem crooked and some parts look like they are missing. I hate anything going wrong with my eyes..really scares me..even when I am wearing my glasses it happens or when I am driving that is the worst..things look bright and people dont look real..what you are experiencing is most likely part of your anxiety just like mine.,
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    • Posted

      I'm tired of having to deal with this stuff everyday and every night. It's worse at night... And I've been having nightmares, more than ever. My whole family thinks I'm a hypochondriac. They're always annoyed by me. They think I'm just complaining, and that I'm lazy. Yesterday, I cleaned the entire house, because I got so tired of feeling useless. I also, have type 2 bipolar disorder.
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    • Posted

      I hear you...I am tired of feeling weird all the time..I cant remember what feeling normal is anymore its been so long. You are not a hypochondriac and is just people are naive and cant possibly know what you are going through and the worst part is because it a mental thing and they can't see it they assume you are putting it on which is so unfair. You really shouldnt need to justify how you are feeling to ignorant people..sorry if that was a bit harsh but its true ..they are afraid of what they know nothing about.
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    • Posted

      Yeah, I understand. I just wish they could see everything the way I am, and feel all of what I'm feeling. One thing I forgot to mention, is I have harm OCD and other mild parts of OCD. I can't stand watching crime shows now. It really sucks.
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    • Posted

      and I also have OCD and it is do hard to explain how you feel when you've got this derealisation/ detachment - I sympathise with you - it does help knowing I'm not the only one and it's anxiety bringing it on .

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    • Posted

      Hi Sharon I am so sorry that its taken me so long to reply. I havent been well mentally and I feel like I am barely hanging on. Right now I have the feelings very strong and its so hard . I even have these weird attacks when I am driving. Its like my whole surroundings are caving in on me and they are going  to just envelope me and I will disappear into some black hole. I try to just breath and hope I make it to where I am going. Happens more on my way to my parents house. I have good and bad days but more bad days and I am just coping the best way I can. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better of out of this world as I am not living I am merely existing sad
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