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Feeling like im not here anymore

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RydiaMoone
RydiaMoone

I just wanted to write my own personal experience with severe anxiety and derealisation. I have suffered from an anxiety and nervous disorder since I was 14. I had a funny turn one day at school and I have never been the same since. I can't remember what its like to feel normal. The worst time was just after I had my son 25 years ago. I became detached and couldn't feel anything for anyone. I had feelings of unreality and at one point thought that jesus was coming to take me away. When I looked outside it felt like it didn't exist like I was living in a dream or a movie and it was so hard to explain. I felt nothing behind me like whatever was behind me didn't exist anymore and my arms and hands at times didn't feel like my own. When I was doing something it was like someone esle was doing the job not me. It was so hard to take care of a baby when I felt like this. I thought I had every disease know to man including schizophrenia and dementia, I literally thought I was going insane and that these feelings that I was no longer here would eventually send my mind to another state of conscienceness and I would never come back. That alone was so very  frightening. I was so scared and so worried that all I could think of was that I could always end my life to get rid of these feelings and that sort of helped in a weird way just knowing that I could do something. I decided to go and see a psychiatrist and he confirmed that what I was experiencing was severe anxiety. I was so relieved and from that day on I started to improve but it took awhile. Over the years I had mild episodes again but not as bad...my anxiety never went away comptelely and I know it never will but I was living with it ok until a few days ago when the derealisation came back with vengence. I am now living in a dream like state again and I don't feel real anymore. I never thought I would feel this way again but I have to keep telling myself that it is anxiety but even that doesn't help. I can't stand these feelings and I think its because i have had alot of stress in the last year and has come to a head. Plus I have sleep deprevation and my diet and water intake is not good. The worst feeling is when I think my mind is going to take me away and not come back. Also when I look outside i can't take any of my surroundings in and it feels so weird its so hard to explain. Sorry for the long story but I just wanted you to know that if others are feeling this way you are not alone and it will get better in time you just have to try and not look for the feelings or see if they are still there . I do this all the time and I know its keeping me in this state but at times I can't help it. Hope this story has helped anyone going through this and ask questions if you want to know anything please. smile

6 likes, 66 replies

66 Replies

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  • emanuel78400
    emanuel78400 RydiaMoone

    Posted

    I'm 23 and I have the same problem, please help someone anyone.

    • barbara_15503
      barbara_15503 emanuel78400

      Posted

       I’m sorry that you’re going through this. There is help out there. I am going to my Christian congregation, I’m one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Being with the friends, reading the Bible, praying, and reading Christian publications has helped immensely . Maybe give it a try. 
  • janharris0306
    janharris0306 RydiaMoone

    Posted

    I notice that the responses are from 10 months ago, have you had responses newer then that?
    • RydiaMoone
      RydiaMoone janharris0306

      Posted

      Hi Jan. I havent been responding to the messages because I have not been in a good way mentally and when I feel this way I just shut everything out because I dont feel anything. I hope you are doing ok
  • rachel54235
    rachel54235 RydiaMoone

    Posted

     I have suffered from an anxiety and nervous disorder since I was 13. I had a funny turn one day at my primary school and I have never been the same since. I can't remember what its like to feel normal. It is now over 27 years ago. it feels like I DON'T exist and like I am living in a dream.  It's so hard for me because even when I am sick I always feel like it's not real.  This has really affected me and I CAN'T even drive even after acquiring my driving license 8 years ago. I have kept this to myself and even my husband don't know about it.  My parents too don't know. Please help.....

     

    • sharon78529
      sharon78529 rachel54235

      Posted

      Hi yes I do know how u feel - I feel sometimes I can't cope and just want it to stop - I know I'm making it worse by worrying - I've had a couple of traumatic months so that has not helped - have u got any advice which might help me

  • keeli42171
    keeli42171 RydiaMoone

    Posted

    I feel the exact same, I'm only 17... I left high school when I was 16 because I was constantly feeling sick to my stomach from nervousness and it all just started making me depressed, when I left I had a panic attack one night and woke up the next morning feeling completely out of it. And writing this gives me panic and sends me into the thought. My only escape was the thought of just killing myself so I knew I atleast had an out. I have a mom who suffers with anxiety... but I don't think she quite understand. I feel gone, like everything is unreachable. And I am a loving person I am a person who wants to be around people and this just kills me.... and I feel like it'll always come back and it's always hovering over my shoulder. I feel like dying half the time and I am only 17.... I've ruined my education, I can't have a love life because I run every time, and when I think of fixing my future it sends me into a panic attack. I just want to be normal... my teenage years are almost over... but it helps to cry at night no matter how depressing that sounds, I always cry at night and get my feelings out or go online and read others that have gone through the same thing as me just so I don't feel insane and alone.

    • RydiaMoone
      RydiaMoone keeli42171

      Posted

      Hi Keeli I am so sorry its taken me so long to reply to you. I have not been in a good way and have shut myself off from everything and everybody. When I feel this way I have no feelings for anyone or anything. I am sorry that you are going through this and it sounds so much like me. It does really help to read that you are not alone and knowing its anxiety in some way  helps. I always thought I was going insane and my mind would disappear and not come back. I listen to music and watch movies to take my mind off everything. I just have to try and stop over thinking and trying to see if the feelings are still there. A very bad habit of  mine but sometimes I cant help it. I hope you feel better soon. Just try and distract as much as you can.
  • laura795
    laura795 RydiaMoone

    Posted

    I totally get how yous are feeling, I'm only 18 and this is ruining my teenage years and has been for a long time now. I suffer badly from severe anxiety, ocd, depersonalisation and derealisation. It's super scary as I constantly feel like I'm not me, I feel as if everything is not real and I don't feel like myself at all, feel so detached from myself and my surroundings. I hate talking because when I do my voice sounds strange as if it isn't mine. It's scares me so much i feel as if I'm loosing my mind. Even when I try to distract myself I feel like this too. So draining

    • sharon78529
      sharon78529 laura795

      Posted

      Hi Laura - I feel exactly the same - I don't like talking because I feel the same as you - it's scary you feel like your going mad - I need reassurance too that were not going mad - I've been told just to accept it and not worry but it's hard.

    • sharon78529
      sharon78529 laura795

      Posted

      Hi Laura - I feel exactly the same - when I'm talking to someone it doesn't feel like me who's talking - I just don't feel like me anymore - my mind is foggy and when I look in the mirror I feel like I'm not looking at myself - I'm trying relaxation and mindfulness - I've had this detachment feeling for a year now and you d think you would get used to the feeling but I'm still panicking when I feel detached so in a way I'm feeding it - I feel the menopause brought it on and my sister passed away about 2 months ago so that's not helped - it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one going through it as I thought I was losing my mind.

  • Hulky
    Hulky RydiaMoone

    Posted

    Hey Rydia, not all hope is lost. If I were you I would start combining moderate excercise with healthy nutirious meals. Fruit Veggies, lean meats, nuts, water,tea etc.

    I would also try too contact your GP ASAP for an appointment the sooner you nail it on the head the better, the faster you can commence recovery.

    I hope you are feeling better, and remember you are not alone. smile

    • RydiaMoone
      RydiaMoone Hulky

      Posted

      Sorry for the late reply. I havent been well. Thank you for the suggestions. I know exercise and a better diet would help but most of the time i just cannot get motivated. It is reassuring to know I am not alone.
    • barbara_15503
      barbara_15503 RydiaMoone

      Posted

      Hi Holly,

      I’m very sorry for what you are going through at such a young age.  I’m feeling much better. I’m taking Prozac, whisper doll, Trileptal, and trazodone to sleep. I’ve also started going again to my Christian congregation. This helps a lot along with reading the Bible and praying. I know this is not religious forum but I have to say it helps when you have good friends, and  and God to go to.  I’m a Jehovah’s Witness and I study all the publications and I feel so much better. I have a hope for the future. I hope you can find it too. PS  i’m glad you’re homeschooled. 

  • Hollyxanarchy
    Hollyxanarchy RydiaMoone

    Posted

    I'm so glad other people are experiencing this. When I'm anxious or at random times it feels like I'm not here or floating in a way. Like my body is doing what it needs to do but my brain is foggy. I'm only 15 years old and have been dealing with severe anxiety and OCD for 4 years. Last night I had to go to the emergency room because I was so dizzy and was having a severe panic attack. Now I am absolutely terrified that it is going to happen again. I was recently prescribed Xanax, along with other meds that I already take. The Xanax seems to work a little bit, but I still feel foggy and my thoughts still race. Does anyone have any advice/feedback on this?

    • Hollyxanarchy
      Hollyxanarchy

      Posted

      Hey, 9 months later and still dealing with this problem. I have severe OCD which I'm trying to find a medicine to help. I'm currently on xanax, cymbalta, Luvox, seroquel, buspar. Yes a lot Ik lol. I did find that wearing a hat to block lights has helped with derealization. Also try to focus on something. I do a Rubik's cube to help. Hit something hard, write draw. Just something to pull you back into reality. I'm now 16, homeschooled, but i have agoraphobia, GAD, ptsd, OCD, panic disorder, and severe anxiety. 

    • RydiaMoone
      RydiaMoone Hollyxanarchy

      Posted

      Hi Holly so sorry for the late reply. I havent been well mentally again. I am sorry that you are going through this and it can  be quite scary when you dont know what it is. I try and distract as much as I can too. Watch movies or listen to music and the  memory of an attack can bring it back on when you revisit that same place. I once told my dr i just want to feel normal and she said...this is your normal. Guess that means I am always going to feel this way. I hope you get some relief soon. I am sure the meds will help
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