Fiancee has gone of sex due to menopause symptoms - not sure what to do?

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Hi There

I am a 40 year old healthy male and i have been with my finacee for a year and a half, our 1st year was amazing and since the start of this year she started getting loads of illnesses and have supported her through these, our sex life was always problematic, i have a higher libido than her and it has always caused tension but we decided at the beginning of the year that scheduling it was the best option to relieve tension between us and it helped for a while but over the last few months she has been struggling with menopause symptoms and has been ill a lot and the times she has not been ill she is not in the mood, she has been having irregular periods and generally really distance with me, we have good communication and she has said to me that it is nothing personal and she still finds me attractive but her symptoms are making her agitated and uncomfortable and she has to put our sex life on the back burner until she gets these symptoms under control, she also suffers from depression and was on fluxetine for 15 years and this also did not help her libido but we went to the doctors together and it was decided she try coming off them which she did, she has been off them for 3 months now and has not had any depression come back apart from the odd down days, ever since she has come off them she has been different and emotionally distant, she says its not the depression but its the menopause symptoms, am trying really hard not to take it personally and she assures me its not me and she loves me very much and is still attracted to me and wants us to have a healthy sex life but she has put it on hold now indefinitely until she finds a solution, she recently has blood tests taken and they have highlighted she is in premenopause stage, she has the doctors next week to she what can be done and her symptoms can be quite bad and she is not sleeping very well. its been 2 months since we have had sex and am struggling with the lack of intimacy as its a struggle to even get a cuddle out of her or a kiss, i love her so much but am a very emotional person and am finding it very hard to deal with this, have even thought there was a deeper meaning to the lack of intimacy but she assures me there is not, am at my wits end, i have even got the point where i have contemplated leaving but that sounds selfish and unsupportive but we all have emotional needs and i have started feeling anxious all the time now and its getting worse, i bring it up all the time and she tells me she feels pressured, i know she is trying with the doctors to sort it out but am getting to the stage where i don't think things will ever be the same between us, any ideas what i should do, am i being to selfish and impatient?

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  • Posted

    1st off can i ask how told she is.

    Yes you are being a little selfish and impatient, you have to work 100% with her through this, it could take years.

    I know us men have needs but were not going through the all the crap our woman go through, hold on in there, support her and get through it together

    Good luck

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    • Posted

      She is 46, i know am being impatient and a bit selfish but its really difficult, ive supported her through loads of issue and am finding it really hard not to take it personally, i know am coming across as completely selfish but i dont want to, i want to keep supporting her but at the same time and finding myself increasly isolated and becoming more like friends, it difficult for a guy to understand what she is going through, from my point of view am still very much attracted to her and its difficult to understand why she has no interest in sex any more
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    • Posted

      YES ! You are being very selfish give her a break she's told you how she feels about you if men could just live in a women's shoes for a few months they would understand what a nightmare the problems we face that men have no ideas about if you love her be there for her it ei come good in time you pressure her for sex will make matters worse and another thing she's come off antidepressants that she took for a long time it going to make a difference even if she thinks she's ok be there for her be a real man

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    • Posted

      I know i am being really selfish, am so used to us being really close and affectionate with each other, its a bit of a shock, my natural assumtion was to take it personally and sometimes i still do, she is the love of my life and we get on great but lately because of this issue i find myself picking on things and i know its annoying her, i just feel emotionally detached and its difficult, again i know when i think about it i feel selfish and i know am very impatient, i always think things can be fixed quickly which am beginning to realise is not the case, not meaning to come across as all about me again but what is the best way to deall with my own feelings and support her at the same time, any help would be appreciated because i want to be there for her and support her and hopefully we can get back to normal
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  • Posted

    Wait to see what the doctors give her. Maybe she can go on HRT, Hormone replacement therapy which can bring a woman back to her old self again, or any number of therapies available for those going through peri-menopausal symptoms. It does take patience on your part though and a lot of understanding. Continue to be supportive and it will all work out.
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  • Posted

    It is good that you have come on here to ask how to help your relationship. 

    Try not to bring it up all the time as this may push her away. Take time to show her how much she means to you by little gestures. A cup of tea and cake when she isnt expecting it. Breakfast in bed with no ulterior motive! Offer a foot massage, agian with no ulterior motive. Little unexpected gifts, a scented candle, flowers, chocolates. Nothing expensive, it's the small thoughful gestures that count. This may then help her to relax and feel loved but without the pressure of sex. When she realise she can have a cuddle or a kiss without it leading to sex she will relax more.

    It is great you are asking for help, don't give up.

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    • Posted

      Thanks, i have always been like this with her, i help with the housework, buy her gifts, even make her gifts, i always show her love and effection even when i know sex is not on the table, she is just feeling very irritable and uncomfortable with insomnia, hot flushes and other symptoms such as stomach upsets, i spoke to her last night, had a calm conversation about how she was feeling and she was being honest that with all her symptoms she is not feeling like it, she keeps reassuring me that she still finds me attractive and its nothing to do with me, she says she has noticed a decline over the last 6 months and now with the irregular periods (1 every 3 months) and now the menopause symptoms which she is getting a large number of them they are getting her down, she said it makes her feel insecure me always going on about it as if she came down with a long term illness she thinks i would leave, leaving is the last thing i want to do, Have done a lot of research on it and i know it can be quite hard, i know i am being selfish but i have supported her through many medical issues and have always been there for her, people find it hard to understand what the impact emotionally it has to the partner as well, not just the sex but the closeness such as cuddling, kissing and general affection, its isolating, am struggling to find a way to cope with it and still support her, i go through this mental thinking every couple of weeks and realise i need to stop it and support it and stop being selfish but then it builds up and my anxiety gets really bad and i cant sleep thinking about it, am running myself down with worry, have even thought multiple times about leaving but then i dont want to lose what we have
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    • Posted

      I don't think you are being selfish, it sounds like you have been very patient. And I can fully understand your need for cuddles and affection. I hope that the doctors can help soon, it sounds like hrt is what she needs and hopefully this will make her feel like her old self and you can continue your good relationship.

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  • Posted

    Also if you have any joint activities try to continue with them. If not try something new, together.  My husband and I enjoy short walks to country pubs. get a book and plan together. or take up badminton or similar. Decorate a room in your house. Use up some of your pent up energies!! You'll be too tired to worry about sex.

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    • Posted

      Thank you, your the first person that seems to understand how difficult it is for the supporter, alot of people seem to look at it from the woman is going through and nothing about how it effects the relationship in general, i guess i do need to be at least a little more patient understanding and put my needs on the back burner just now and see what the doctor suggests as she is trying to make an effort with trying to get help, i really dont know what the future holds any more, i hope we can get through it but i cant carry on like this indefinetly, at the end of the day we all have emotional needs and if they are not being met it can build up resentment and i dont want it to get to that stage, i would rather leave than cause untold misery, am just hoping we can sort things out
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    • Posted

      Hi, David,

      I do believe that you are trying to understand.  But I wonder how you would feel if you were the one unable to perform?  Would you fear your partner's desire for a kiss and a cuddle, because it might end in something that would only frustrate you both and call attention to your inabilities?  

      There is an old addage, something like "men need to have sex before they can demonstrate affection, and women have sex so that they receive that affection from men."  To most, having sex means that your partner finds you desirable.  However, there is much contact during sex, holding, touching that may be more important than the act.

      Your partner is experiencing an upheaval in both her body and her emotions.  To some women it feels as if their body has literally turned on them.  Things that used to work don't, sex becomes painful, tissues tear, emotions come and go, unchecked.  Nothing is the same as it was.  I believe that men who suffer from impotence and declining testosterone also feel horribly depressed as they watch their youth slip away. 

      As your partner experiences this life-changing event, you must feel completely left out.  A little voice cries out, "But what about me?"  Does having sex mean that much to you?  Are you willing to destroy a relationship that you value because of the absence of a physical act?

      I think that the bottom line is, "Do you love her?"  In that context, believe me, being able to be with the one you love, can be enough.  

      Hope this all works out.  Please accept my best wishes.   

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    • Posted

      I am sorry, i dont think it sounds like you are cut out to offer this woman the support she deserves. I believe you said you have been with her for a year and a half? And that you have supported her theough so much? In a yeat and a half? Most wonen go through meno for years. Its not a quick process. Perhaps she wont want to take hrt? There are some nasty side effects. Will that upset you? I dont really see that you are in this for the long haul.
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