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I've been scouring this forum and although there's a lot of helpful stuff on here I could still use some help.
Context: I've been sufferening on and off with bouts of depression for about 5 years now and never really done much about it because it generally seems to be triggered when past relationships have ended and tends to sort itself out when I meet somebody new or start a new job or get stuck in at university... when I become preoccupied with things/people that I enjoy. So I never really took it that seriously. I often dip in and out of low moods, cry for no reason, fell numb and apathetic but I just always pt it down to a bad day or hormones or just generally being an emotional human being.
Since finishing university in May I began to feel that no matter what I did I was losing motivation and felt pretty low most of the time. I became more needy and demanding of my boyfriend because I felt like I needed him to be there all the time to feel happy, like he was the only thing that I could feel anything about. I now know that I should have seen a doctor at this point. Ultimately this dependancy led to him feeling trapped and frustrated at my inability to make myself happy and he ended the relationship.
This sent me over the edge. I fell further into depression than I've ever fallen before. Initially, I felt extremely numb but then suddenly began having terrible anxiety attacks (the "oh my god I am dying of a heart attack" kind). Slowly these subsided and I haven't had one for about a month and a half now. Since then I've been generally apathetic towards life, unmotivated, crying every time I wake up, unable to eat very much etc.. your standard depressive episode. I referred myself to counselling and cbt but it's taking ages to actually get to see anybody so I've been trying to carry on, applying for jobs, getting up everyday and making myself go and see friends etc whilst I wait. But the constant repetitive thoughts became too much. I feel like I have a constant dialogue in my head and sometimes it gets so dark that it scares me. I don't really feel happy about anything anymore and I cannot concentrate. So I saw my GP to get some help with that.
They put me on Cita, 20mg, and said next to nothing about it. My mum is currently on it and she said it had worked wonders for her. I took my first dose last night, right before I fell asleep because I had read that it can affect your sleep so I thought I'd pop it into my system and nod off before it had a chance to dissolve into my system.
This morning I woke at 7am with a general feeling of nausea, headache and that something wasn't right. I felt like I was hung over and I spent the next few hours waking up feeling sick and then willing myself to go back to sleep, to sleep it off. I eventually gave in and got out of bed, feeling truly terrible. That's when the anxiety started. I felt what I haven't felt for weeks, hands shaking, tight chested, sense of impending doom. I'd read about the nausea, I'd read about the dizziness and light headed, I'd read that it can make you lethargic but I feel very scared of continuing at this point. I feel both simultaneously exhausted and restless. I tried practicing guitar and my fingers just didn't respond to anything I willed them to. I ate about three mouthfuls of my dinner and then just didn't want any more. I walked a few steps away from my house and felt like I was going to collapse in panic. I went on cita to help with depression and now not only do I still have constant repetitive thoughts and numbness to everything, internally I am in a constant state of panic. Is it really worth it to suffer this? I thought I'd have no side-effects, like my mum, and tomorrow I'm going to visit friends in a different city, the day after I am meeting with my ex to tie up some loose ends and then on wednesday I'm starting my new job. I feel like I can cope with these events in the state I was in yesterday before I took cita. I don't feel I can cope if these anxious side effects are going to mean I get a panic attack on a train, away from home or on the first day of a new job. Therefore I'm not going to take another for a couple of days at least.
So, guys? Anybody got any advice? I've read that a couple of people have taken smaller doses initially so is that the way to go? I would ask my GP but I cannot book an appointment to see them for a couple of weeks (not great, is it really?). Or do I just need to wait until I have a couple of days to just take the plunge and feel awful in bed? I feel stuck between two evils right now and trying to decide which is the lesser one. Somehow I'd kind of gotten used to depression and though (of course) I want to recover and I realise I need to take cita to help that, I feel like if it's actually going to debilitate me further it's going to be impossible to carry on with daily life.
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