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First thought...or craving in 5 weeks (today 5 weeks)

Posted , 4 users are following.

Misssy2
Misssy2

I'm watching a Ray Charles documentary....He was doing drugs...in the begining of his career.  He has a girl in his band..that is in love with him.

​I just started watching 1/2 way thru...so I don't know if he has slept with her...or not...but she called him at Xmas from a hotel room.  His wife was in the room and she shuffled the kids off to another room.

​He tells the woman from his band...NOT to call him and he was not meeting her at this hotel room she had set up...She says " I have a bottle of Boes?"....And he says I will see you in 2 weeks when we are recording again...I am with my wife!

​She slams the phone and takes a BIG swig of the bottle and automatically breathes a sigh of relieve!  I was so envious of that "relief" that she found...and I had a brief thought...yea...just a short relief..I started telling myself...I won't get carried away...I know what it does to me.

​So insane...so scary how quick my brain forgets.  She went on to be singing in the band that night...made a scene...but you could tell it felt good for her to get all the crap out and scream at everyone..without inhibitions.  Of course she is acting and not really "drunk"...but it sparked something in me...that I didn't want sparked today.

 

0 likes, 25 replies

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  • nicole36330
    nicole36330 Misssy2

    Posted

    That ahhh moment.I don't ever want it again but what replaces it?
    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 nicole36330

      Posted

      I think the joys of sobriety are replacing it for me right now.

      ​I am struggling with the "thought" right now.

      ​But, I am trying to assure myself that I feel better sober...I'm clean...well nourished...watching TV...able to share my experiences with other suffering people.

      ​Reading 2 books...

      ​I wouldn't do any of this if drinking...One sip for me and my whole world shuts down...important for me to accept that.   Thanks for responding nicole...people like you who understand are also a big piece of me staying sober.

    • nicole36330
      nicole36330 Misssy2

      Posted

      I've cut my drinking down a lot from 3 bottles a day but I think I've had about 3 AF days in the last 3 years so havnt a clue what to do when not drinking
    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 nicole36330

      Posted

      Its good you were able to cut down!

      ​Now I'm watching Lifetime and Julia Roberts was drunk!

      The only difference is...she got up in the morning and lead a productive normal life.

      I think I should take a ride in the outdoors!

  • vickylou
    vickylou Misssy2

    Posted

    Misssy are you saying you were watching something on tv, a woman had a drink and you thought of that first initial hit being so good. For a split second you could have that exstatic moment?

    Whatever you had, felt or wanted, you know you can't have it. You know that feeling of switching off, the drink relaxing you is only temporary, but the guilt and self loathing won't be temporary, but the start of a binge.

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 vickylou

      Posted

      yes..vicky that split second.....your right...the binge effect always happens and is not worth it.

      ​Thank you.

    • vickylou
      vickylou Misssy2

      Posted

      I get that feeling, like a voice saying "it's ok just have a couple of drinks, you know you'll feel better" then another saying "don't be a prat, it won't do you any good, how will you feel this time tomorrow "

      nine times out of ten I can stick to half a bottle, but on occasions I slip up and have wasted the best part of a week doing absolutely nothing, other than drink. So yes I fully understand where you're coming from X 

    • vickylou
      vickylou Misssy2

      Posted

      I get that feeling, like a voice saying "it's ok just have a couple of drinks, you know you'll feel better" then another saying "don't be a prat, it won't do you any good, how will you feel this time tomorrow "

      nine times out of ten I can stick to half a bottle, but on occasions I slip up and have wasted the best part of a week doing absolutely nothing, other than drink. So yes I fully understand where you're coming from X 

  • Paper_fairy
    Paper_fairy Misssy2

    Posted

    Hey Misssy. I know what you mean, watching those aah moments on tv. Then addiction demon head starts to try and get you again. You just have to tell yourself what will happen if you give in to the demon drink..possible death being the main conclusion xx
  • vickylou
    vickylou Misssy2

    Posted

    Meant to say how well you are doing. You're very positive and are going

    to great lengths to keep well. xx

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 vickylou

      Posted

      Thank you...for putting it that way..."keeping well".  I did go out for a ride in the car and forgot all about it.

      ​I am making chicken..stuffed with ricotta..spinach...garlic...mozzerella cheese..wrapped up with bread crumbs and eggs - butter and spices on top...baking now wink...Will have salad...and mashed potato...better than the alternative.

      ​I am not and can NOT be Julia Roberts...smile

  • Paper_fairy
    Paper_fairy Misssy2

    Posted

    Well done misssy for coming on here and telling exactly how you are feeling. You've coped and got through this difficult moment. You won the battle with the addictive part of your brain.

    Like you the addict brain has nearly taken my life on a number of occasions. To the point that my children had to come to hospital to say their goodbyes. And that was because I got very drunk and had enough of the insanity. I was taking BACLOFEN( re another post praising it). All my organs had packed up( re baclofen it stops and relaxes ALL your muscles( given to patients for cerebral palsy and other disabilities). I was in a coma for several days. Sorry babbling 

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 Paper_fairy

      Posted

      No, I'm sorry that you went thru all of that.  I have put myself thru the ringer too...We can't have too many changes left.  I am told that all the time.
    • vickylou
      vickylou Paper_fairy

      Posted

      Misssy and paper fairy

      i think you both ought to be proud of yourselves for openly admitting what a hold alcohol had on you both and the strength you've shown in coming back from the abyss.

      Luckily I've never been hospitalised through alcohol, and that I never will. It would be far easier for you both to try to block out how desparately Ill you both were.

      I've put drinking before my family, and I could weep when I think back to how frightened my kids must have been, having to go off to school in the morning and not know if their mum would be there when they came home from school.

      I was sorting out some papers the other day, when I came across a letter from my kids. I won't go through it all, it's too painful, but one bit was so sad and showed how much my drinking affected them

      ​Dear mummy

      we are so sorry if we have been naughty. We've decided that we will do anything to help you get better and not be in bed when we come back from school. We will keep our rooms tidy and will do lots of jobs for you. We want our old mummy back, the one who plays with us, makes things with us and makes us happy

      ​I've spoken to each of them, and all three said you were a great mum, and still are. We don't think of those few horrid times, but concentrate on all the happy times.

      I can't change what I put them through, neither can I keep dwelling and thinking of those dark days, reliving the past. I can however make sure my grandchildren never go through the same. Yesterday (Mother's Day) all three of them came over and I had a lovely happy day.

      If I ever get the urge to start on a binge, I hope I'll read the letter and stop myself going backwards.

      Sorry for rambling, but I needed to share my feelings. I think it was paper fairy saying her children came to say goodbye that burst my dam. I've put the letter on my kitchen board, so if the urge to go and buy some booze comes back, I've just got to read it and stop to think a big [u]NO DONT, ITS NOT WORTH IT FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS TEMPORARY RELIEF.[/u]

      Thank you misssy and paper fairy, your honesty in admitting and talking openly and sharing such good advice.

       

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 vickylou

      Posted

      That is a very heartwrenching letter.

      ​And although my kids never wrote down their feelings...I can tell they felt just like that!  My oldest didn't talk to me for year back in 2005 when I quit. 

      On my one year anniversery..he left a drawing in my car with a rose and said...thank you for comning back to us....you are the best mother now...I knew you could do it! 

      ​Psycholigist do say that kids blame themselves....your letter is a testement to that...and a very powerful tool for you to have to keep you from the drink.

      ​Sadly, the drink is more powerful than any words anyone can say...but if you keep that note close by..it just might be the tool to help you win.

    • Paper_fairy
      Paper_fairy vickylou

      Posted

      Thanks for your kind words and comments Vicky and Misssy. It really helps. Like that you're holding on to that letter from kids. Think I will do the same. Best wishes x
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