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Okay. To cut a long story short, I've been through a lot in the last 20 years.
I have complex PTSD. My daughter is disabled. I was raped and have experienced suicide personally with people I loved.
I never drank. I could go months without even having a glass of wine. And then my mum got Alzheimer's. She is my best friend.
Thinking 'one glass of wine won't hurt', I started drinking a year ago.
Now I'm at the point where I get up in the morning and tick, tick, tick until lunchtime when I feel it's okay for me to have 'a glass' of wine. This has gradually turned into two bottles a day.
I pass out at night, thankfully. No dreams, no flashbacks. I'm grateful for that. And then I wake up at 3am on the dot with the dreaded shakes and palpatations. I've usually had a nightmare. I don't know where I am. Sometimes I get up and have a glass of wine just to calm myself down.
I am on medication for the PTSD but it doesn't work. I can't have counselling because I'm scared of being alone with a person in a room who I don't know.
I've started to put on weight. I still eat one meal a day, healthy meal, and I drink lots of water. I'm scared that this fat around my stomach is my liver?
I want to give up. I really do. I've read so many horror stories about alcohol withdrawals and I'm scared that I will have a fit or cardiac arrest. Is it normal to become so scared?
My other half says I've put on weight because wine is pure sugar. I've told him that I will give up once my mum is okay. She's not going to be okay. I'm still grieving for my dad, so I know that this is only going to get worse. I can't let this beat me though.
Please, any help would be appreciated. I don't have anyone to speak honestly with, so I'm hoping this might work for me.
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