Girlfriend has depression, and I'm finding it really hard

Posted , 8 users are following.

My girlfriend has been suffering with depression for years, since way before we met.

I understand that she can't help what happens in her head, and that when she has her "bad days" that she isn't her true self during those times.

I just find it so hard during these times, and I don't know what I can say or do to make her feel better about it.

I also work away Sunday am to Friday pm, so I can't always be there to comfort her physically.

She's having one of her bad spells right now, and is talking about not being sure if she can handle the commitment, that she doesn't know if her head can handle it, and saying that her life is just a mess.

Yesterday everything was wonderful, we had friends round, we cooked paella together, and it was all smiles and happiness. Then all of a sudden when we got in to bed last night she seemed a bit cold, and this morning when I left for work there were very few of the usual loving comments before I left.

Now she's saying that she doesn't know if we're ok, that maybe she needs space, but she doesn't know.

The problem I have is that when I'm with her, I can see when she's in a bad place. When I'm not, it's a lot harder.

It always seems that she has these bad times when her ex (father of her child) starts acting like an idiot towards her, calling her horrible names etc. This happened on Friday. It's as if we make headway with her depression and then he kicks her back to square one.

I don't know whether to give her the space she's asking for, or to just carry on as normal. I don't want to push her away. But I also don't want to let her slip away. I love her so much, and I know she loves me.

Sometimes it's just so hard, like today. When she sent me the message saying about needing space it felt like I'd been hit square in the heart.

I'm just really confused about what I should do.

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  • Posted

    That is a horrible set of circumstances. I am going through something similar and I unfortunately have no answers. My GF was dealing with extreme stress at work causing high anxiety and depression symptoms then broke up with me a week ago saying she just felt nothing for me after being "crazy in love" weeks prior. I don't know what to do or say or if I should do or say. Long story short. I very much feel for you and I wish you the best. You arnt alone in these feelings. Take care

    B

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  • Posted

    Does she take medication for depression?
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  • Posted

    Awww sad this made me really sad. You sound like one of those rare guys who would do anything to keep their girlfriend happy! And thats great.

    If she is asking for some space, give her some space. If she loves you she will come back when she feels like she is ready. Which im pretty sure she will! Depression really does suck. Especially when you have anxiety. I have both.. Its like living in hell to be honest. Its like this dark cloud is following you everywhere you go.. And you cant get rid of it. As for her father.. This is terrible. I've heard about this many times from a lot of people.. Often they dont know what to do either.

    But like i said... Give her some space. She might need some time to get things straight. If she needs help.. She will come to you! You're not pushing her away by doing this because its what shes asking for.. She wont slip away from you either. Just as long as she knows that you are always there.

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  • Posted

    Dear Worried,

    I am so sorry you are going through this... I admire your kindness and patience and loving attitude, but you cannot and should not be expected to keep putting up with this... I am not trying to sound mean or uncaring... but I have known a couple of people who 'use' their partners to try to prove to themselves that they are still 'good enough'... If I were you, I would very honestly try to speak with a therapist to get things sorted out... Please, please consider this. I would keep this a secret also because I am sure it WOULD threaten her... It would be wonderful if she could also see a therapist... Anyway... good luck to you...and please... please think about doing this for YOURSELF... Please... You are very loving and giving...and you need love and give to yourself.... We pay in the long run if we keep playing the martyr...

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  • Posted

    Hi Worried - sorry to read of your dilemma. What a shame she has an ex - and not just any ex, but the father of her child. She needs to learn to deal with his behaviour and realise that his put-downs of her is all about his own insecurity. He bullies her because she lets him. It makes him feel tough and in control. She must establish boundaries. You don't say if she is the main carer of their child or whether he has that role. A counsellor will help her define things, and she must do something as he is modelling abusive behaviour to the child.

    The second thing is that you need to give her space. She has asked for it. This means letting her contact you when she is ready. You cannot be a crutch for her to collapse on when it suits her. You have to think of your own well-being. Stop worrying about what she is feeling when you are not there. She needs to seek help for her depression, and has that responsibility because of the child. Best of luck in whatever happens.

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  • Posted

    So, she's still in a dark place and has decided to end it. I'm devestated. I also am 99% sure this is down to the depression, and not her. Relationships don't go from perfectly happy to over in a day.

    I just don't know what to do now. I asked her not to make this decision while her head is in a bad place, and told her I love her. I guess that's all I can do for now, and just give her some space to get her head sorted.

    I'm hoping she comes back and changes her mind, and that it was just the depression talking.

    Her reason for the split was "because her life is f*cked up and and her head can't take it". That sounds like depression talk to me.

    I'm just going to give her some time and pray she changes her mind when she's herself again.

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    • Posted

      I'm so sorry. Believe me in that I am dealing with the same. Almost 2 weeks ago now since the break up. I don't have answers but you are supported by us and wish the best for you.

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    • Posted

      Yes, Worried, it certainly does sound like depression and I hope she seeks help for it. So sorry you have had to suffer because of it. You are doing the right thing - giver her space and time. Meanwhile you need to keep yourself busy and try not to worry about what might happen. Best of luck to you - we're here if you need support.

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  • Posted

    Thanks for all the support and kind words everyone.

    Everything is looking up. We are still together, and moving forward. Her medication has been increased and she has started counselling this week.

    She was in a very bad place in her head but she's almost out of it.

    It's been a hard week, but we're coming through it.

    We sat down at the weekend and made a "Black Dog Day Box". It's full of photos of us and her daughter, and other things that make her happy. There are some positive words and compliments in there too, as that helps her when she's down. We'll keep adding to it as time goes on.

    Just making it helped loads, so I'd recommend it.

    Thanks again for your support ???

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    • Posted

      Well, I'm truly sorry to say it's happened again. This time she says it's for good. I'm devestated. I can't sleep properly, I can't eat properly, nothing that used to make me happy does any more. I can't stop thinking about her, and that sends me back down whenever I think I'm climbing the ladder.

      The worst thing is I don't think she's being honest. With me or herself.

      She told me she loved me before she went to work, then when she got back said there aren't the same feelings there any more. Now she said she'd being trying to convince herself the feelings were still there from when we split the first time, and that she just couldn't find them again, but I honestly think it's the opposite.

      With all the problems with her ex and what he did and is still doing to her, a job interview coming up that will get her back home and in a better job, a potential move, her daughter, our relationship, I think everything just piled up and she couldn't cope any more. I was the only thing that could give way.

      It just makes no sense to me. I have a video of the two of us from the night before and you can see the love in her face when she looks at me.

      When she ended it she was in tears. I know she found it so hard to do, and I'm sure she didn't really want to. Which is why I know her feelings are there. I understand though that she must have felt she needed to end us to concentrate on getting through everything else. I just don't understand why she can't see that I was going to be there to help with it all.

      The worst thing is is that I have so many questions, questions I need answers for so I can get my head straight again. So I can get better. She just refuses to answer them. She says she wants to remain friends, but she needs some time for that. I think she's trying to reduce communication as much as possible so it doesn't hurt so much. But in doing so it hurts me more.

      I'm desperately in love with her, and I know she needs time and space to sort her life out, I'm just scared that if it takes too long she'll never feel she is able to reconsile things between us.

      I just wish there was something I could do, but there isn't. I can do nothing and it's tearing me apart. Even though I know nothing is what I need to try and do.

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  • Posted

    Gosh this just broke my heart because I suffer from depression and I do the same thing to my hubby he stuck with me for twelve years because he knows it's just my illness I had issues with abusive violent father but I keep my distance hang in there it gets better and it's very much the illness take. Are and pray

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    • Posted

      She says it's not this time. I know it makes everything else harder to deal with, even if she doesn't admit it or realise it.

      I just hope in time once some of the things she's dealing with are done, she realises she's made a mistake.

      The problem I have is I don't know if it's just "real world things" like the new job, abusive ex, moving house, or if there are other "emotional things" that she needs to deal with. I just wish she would talk to me and be honest and open about everything

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    • Posted

      I am so sorry for your situation. I am very much in a similar one. It has been just over a month my ex broke it off saying she cares but couldn't feel love anymore. WHen she had said it and showed it two days prior. She and I are are talking more now and are meeting for dinner as friends tomorrow. It is hard thing like you said. The back and forth is horrible with my emotions as I assume it is hard on yours. I wish I could tell you what will or won't happen. But regardless you are not alone.

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