Hating myself for loving alcohol more than my family

Posted , 11 users are following.

Here I am

0 likes, 26 replies

26 Replies

  • Posted

    The post is a little short on detail.
  • Posted

    Sorry for short post - i registered on my phone and couldn't see the post correctly. 

    I will explain why i have come here. I split up from my husband 7 years ago and have beeb giubg from one relationship to the next. I didnt drink that much when i was married but, started drinking very heavily over 7 years ago. The last year has been the worst. I've gotten into trouble with the police, have a conviction for drink driving, drug taking, got into trouble with my jjob but not directly related to drinking at work (which i never do) Ive been in trouble with the police more recently for not paying a taxi firm. I've been in trouble with a friend for urinating on her sofa while drunk. It's just an appalling catalogue of problems. I am also suffering from a hand tremor that really worries me as I need a steady hand to do my job. It is very noticeable for a couple of days after a big binge. I had two bottles of wine last night and it is very twitchy today. I also feel very anxious most of the time and find it really hard to motivate myself. I feel like I want a fresh start and have put my house on the market and want to relocate. I'm worried I'll be even more lonlier than I am now and that could make things worse not better. 

    I've just been to the shops and resisted buying more wine but I know I could easily sit here and drink another couple of bottles but I also know I hate how i feel right now. I am ashamed, guilty, angry, pathetic, unmotivated, lazy, all of these things. 

    I don't know how I am going to stop drinking because all I need is one then I am off until I black out, dont remember much the next day. It's horrible, but yet this is still not enough to convince me that I have to stop drinking for my own sake if not for my beautiful children. 

    I do apologise if theyre any typos or spelling mistakes my left hand shakes quite a lot and my eyesight is not great. Many thanks if you have read this far and any advice or personal experience will be very gratefully received. 


    • Posted

      The hand shake is probably down to a combination of the central nervous system and peripheral neuropathy.

      Suggested medication for this, apart from stop drinking is, Thiamine,Vitamin B compound strong/Complex and folic acid, all of which are available OTC. Either a chemist or H&B.

      I am unsure whether you are alcohol dependent, in layman's terms that meaans can you go a couple of days without alcohol or not.

      There is medication that can help, nalmefene/Campral, but there is always an underlying caause for excess drinking. It can be, anxiety, stress, boredem or loneliness and these need to be looked at, otherwise you will alway revert to alcohol.

      I have a concern that if you are moving away to somewhere and shutting yourself off from the world and human contact, you will be come lonely and end up withdrawing into a world of alcohol consumption.

      Being lazy and unmotivated, exceept to get yourself down the shop to get alcohol is quite normal, it happens to all of us. There are ways to come off alcohol and enjoy life again, some of us have managed it, don't shut yourself away and retreat into your own little world.

    • Posted

      Hi rosie

      thats some story, but I've heard worse. We've all been where you are, some of us don't drink, some enjoy controlled drinking and some of us drink too much every day, weekend whatever. I will keep my reply brief.

      First off before anything, I would go and see my GP. You can't deal with this on your own. I know that might sound frightening if you have small children. Believe you me, your GP will have heard it all before. The fact you've admitted you've got a problem is half the battle and proves you want to change.

      I think you need a detox ASAP with the help of either chlordiazepoxide (Librium ) or diazapam (Valium) to enable you to detox safely. Whatever you do, please don't think you can just stop, you can't, it's far too dangerous, you could have a fatal seizure, you need professional help and sooner rather than later. Your dr will want you to have blood tests, full blood count, liver function tests, you may also be short of vitamins, especially vit b and thiamine. You can get them over the counter at most chemists and health shops.

      There is loads more I could add, but other members will give you all the help and support you need.

      See your GP first, he/she may well refer you to an alcohol recovery service, but my advice would defo be your GP first with the amount you're drinking and the physical symptoms you've got. You've nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about, in fact just the opposite.

      take care and keep posting. There are some lovely genuine people on this forum who know exactly how you're feeling as we've all been there

    • Posted

      Thankyou RHGB for your reply. I am going to contemplate stopping drinking altogether but as I was comatosed last night it is indeed early days. I'll get the vitamins to see if that helps with the shaking. It worries me alot but not enough which sounds rediculous. I can withdraw from alcohol for a few days without having major withdrawal, except a hangover and shaky hand but, all I need is an excuse for the first glass and then I just can't stop until i black out. Went out Sunday afternoon for lunch with a particularly hard drinking friend. The session involved taking drugs, letting someone without a licence drive my car, and ended at 10pm on the Monday. I didn't drink on Tuesday because I felt too ill but by Wednesday 3pm I was drinking with a meal out then polished off a bottle when I got home alone, then went round the shop for another bottle. Must have fallen asleep around 8pm as was awake early this morning at 6am feeling severely hung over. 

      I am sitting here feeling the urge to have a glass of wine and always in my mind I say to myself 'this time I can just have one' which has happened once in recent weeks every other time is drink until i drop. 

      I know it has to stop before I do more serious damage to myself. please help..


    • Posted

      Thanks vickylou for your advice. Unfortunately, I cannot go to my GP and ask for help with alcohol dependance. I have a conviction for DUI and I have told my GP recently that I have no problems with alcohol and had to make a declaration of that to my employers. I risk losing my job if I go to the Dr and ask for help with this problem. Infact, the really heavy drinking this year statrted because of the stress surrounding the DUI and disclosure to my employer. Stupid really but I realise I dont manage stress very well. I am also bored alot and I have no goal or focus. I wish I didnt feel like this. I wish I could see sense. 
    • Posted

      "I know it has to stop before I do more serious damage to myself. please help."

      I still don't know whether you are alcohol dependent or not, because you can go a day without alcohol, but I'm not so sure that your system is so overloaded with alcohol, it is still in your system, it does make a difference to how you go about stopping.

      People black out when they drink too hard and too fast and overload the system, it can't cope and basically keels over. It isn't just how much you drink, but the short space of tme you drink it in.

      There is medication that can take away the craving of alcohol, but if you deicde, sod it, it's Friday night and I'm bored, I'm off out for the night, you will override it. There is another medication that slightly dulls the effect of alcohol, but still lets you drink, but you don't want to drink so much, at thise stage, I would guess that would be the better way for you to go.

      At the moment I don't think you are in the right frame of mind or in the right place to give up. You have to want to give up, to really have had enough to say, okay, I'm going to work with medication to stop. That psychology has to come first before you will succeed.

      Not that I would laugh at any misdemeanors, but peeing on your friend's sofa made me smile.

    • Posted

      You're lucky you weren't a lot over the limit, because then you get classified as an HRO and you have to pass a medical (not with your GP) to get your licence back.

    • Posted

      Yep, I was a HRO because i failed to supply !

      Had to go through the medical with DVLA appointed doctor and a carbohydrate type blood test (detects heavy drinking) I abstained from drinking for about 3 months before and a couple of months after (this was may 2014) and got my licence back. It was all good until feb this year when i had to declare the conviction to my professional body ( i had told my employers at the time of conviction) it was a hell of a stressful time. And i haven't stopped drinking since. 

      I can go a couple of days without drinking, sometimes even four, but the compulsion to drink is strong. I dont drink at work, though. I think it's because I resent my job and know it is very stressful for very little thanks that I reach for the bottle because i think I deserve it. 

      It is quite therapeutic, though. Writing this stuff down. Even the tremor in my left hand feels to be dissipating. Thanks for getting back to me. I do really appreciate the time you have spent replying to me. 

    • Posted

      yep I was HRO as was done for failing to supply. 

      I had to have a full medical with a DVLA appointed Dr and have a carbohydrate blood test that shows up heavy, persistant alcohol use. I abstained from drinking for 3 months before and 2 months after and passed the medical with no problems. My recent disclosure was for my professional body and they could have kicked me off the professional register for the offfence so they required notification from my GP that I had not had ANY treatment for alcohol dependency. Which I haven't. And therefore, if that is what gets me kicked out of my job by asking for help then its best I dont go to my GP for help. 

      I have found it very therapeutic writing all this down. The tremor in my left hand seems to be dissipating too. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me. I do really appreciate the time you have taken. 

    • Posted

      I got done for drink driving about 20 years ago. The five months between being charged and the case coming to court were the worst five months of my life, so I know what your stress level must have been. Aren't dr's supposed to respect patient confidentiality ?


    • Posted

      You wer elucky with the DVLA medical, because sometimes they write to your GP.

      Yes, I can understand you not wanting to let your GP know. That also rules out any of the alcohol recovery charities, where you would perhaps obtain medication, because they would write to your GP and let them know you were seeing them - I know this for a fact, as the one I was at told me and my GP confirmed it. Although it was not a problem for me, as my GP already knew the situation - but I wouldn't have told them if they hadn't already known.

      You can buy the medication from abroad, but it costs about £120 a month rather than an NHS prescription charge.

      The fact that you can abstain when needed, means you are not alcohol dependent, it's only as you have posted more that I have been able to work that out. Your issue is probably psychological, boredom, and you only get so far, before you say, sod this, I'm going to have a drink.

      You're going to have to work out a way to change your routine, where you don't have dead time on your hands, which leads you to think about having a drink. It's a shame about the medication, I think it would have helped you, are least broke you out of your routine for a while.

      Oh, and please eat properly and keep yourself rehydrated, people who drink a lot, are notorious for not eating well and not drinking enough water.

    • Posted

      HI Rosie..joining  a bit late and you have had great responses I notice..medical check up and stadning in front of the mirrior asking yourself some questions....how long can this go on...you get the idea...do try hard and will be worth it...total stop for you but not quickly and gradually in my opinion..regards Robin
  • Posted

    Hi rosie lovey,, we all know exactly how you feel, we have all been there, luckily I do not drive, so that is one blessing....

    Have you tried ALL ANON...they can help in complete confidence...the fact that you can stop for days....is a very, very good sign, you can get past this...

    You are not...bad....mad....or sad...you have done nothing wrong, nobody chooses it....please get some help lovey, you should not have to face this on your own....have a look in your local phone directory,,,you should find....confidential NHS Help....

    Also, try and confide in a close friend..who does not drink....

    Big warm hugs....It can get better...( i was an absolute utter mess for ten years ) xxxxxx

    • Posted

      thanks Deirdre, what a lovely kind comment. 

      It is true that the GP should be confidential but they cannot lie for me. 

      So, I could refuse to give the information but they will then jump to their own conclusions. 

      I've felt ok today - a little jittery earlier but its 24 hours now since I had a drink and I've just managed to eat. Feel a little irritable though. I am otomistic that I wont drink this evening but I know the danger that tomorrow I will wake up feeling good and I will want a drink of wine by lunch. It has been a very useful day writing down my behaviour and getting lovely comments in reply. I just so wish I could stop letting myself down. Ive just come across the use of baclofen for alcohol withdrawal and realise that I was prescribed this last year when I tore the ligaments in my knee. I will do some more research and give that a go to help reduce the cravings that I constantly experience. 

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